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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel inferior to my childless friends

69 replies

vimtosweets · 26/10/2018 16:16

Since I had my DD a year ago I have moved out of London and have decided to be a SAHM for the time being due to my old job being stressful and inflexible with part time hours. I meet up with my old group of friends in London every few months and have realised that whilst they are all being promoted and living seemingly glamorous and busy lives travelling and eating out, I am spending my time in oversize clothes, not going out and with very little spare cash now we are living on my DH's salary. I now realise that if I were to return to work part time I would have to take a huge pay cut and simply cannot afford to do the things I used to do with them.

I realise this is very normal in my position but I feel like I now have nothing to talk to them about when I see them and wonder if they think I have a very boring life! Anyone else feel this way when they see their childless friends with amazing careers?

OP posts:
3out · 26/10/2018 16:26

‘Amazing careers’ to me means working very long hours, probably socialising with colleagues after work (because you all leave v late) then jumping back on the treadmill the next morning (perhaps literally) and repeat. The monetary reward might be good, but if you’re in London then even a good wage doesn’t get you much property-wise.
It might be fun to live that life for a week, for a break, but generally it’s not a lifestyle I envy.
Your friends may think your life is boring now. Late nights out with friends are now late nights attempting to coax little humans to please just sleep, but you also know how much you love your new life (despite the slouchy clothes and empty wallet!)
Different strokes for different folks. :)

DontCallMeCharlotte · 26/10/2018 16:30

The grass is always greener...

user1473878824 · 26/10/2018 16:41

If it helps I feel inferior to all my friends with kids!

AnotherCareerThread · 26/10/2018 16:42

A lot of people think I have an amazing career.

I get paid a lot, have all of my living costs covered, spend around 5 months of the year in luxury hotels/resorts/yachts, eat out in fancy restaurants a lot, do a lot of big activities like skiing, theme parks, next week we're doing a swimming with dolphins thing.

It IS fab in its own way, but what few people see is that I live alone, in a foreign country where no one speaks English and every single one of my friends and family live thousands of miles away. The job is high responsibility and very demanding of my time and I can't make plans myself, as my job could change any minute.

Dont presume that your friends think your life is inferior. I look at my married friends with settled lives with envy, I would love that kind of stability and sense of moving forward, starting a family etc.
I'm sure they look at my life and see jet skis and private planes.
Comparison is the thief of joy

Yellowsunredroses · 26/10/2018 16:45

Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life if not much glamour right now

RiverTam · 26/10/2018 16:47

are you the first in your friendship group to have children? I think it can be very hard if that's the case.

LostInShoebiz · 26/10/2018 16:49

And do those without children have lives that lack meaning?

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 16:54

Maybe you just aren’t suited to SAHM life? I would never consider the life of your average London office worker, junior lawyer, accountant, whatever to be glamourous. It’s just another form of drudgery same as being a SAHM dependant on a husband’a modest salary. But if you look at that kind of life as desirable then perhaps that is what you should be doing? There is no shame in asking your husband to be the main parent or just hiring a nanny.

SushiMonster · 26/10/2018 17:11

I feel like I now have nothing to talk to them about when I see them and wonder if they think I have a very boring life

Well, yeah, but you have a child now and your lives are quite different!

It may be that you need some new friends (in addition to these friends, not instead of) who are in a similar life circumstance to you.

Are you the first one in the group to have a baby? If so it is always tough if you are the outlier/first mover. Surely you still have things to talk about though, unless your conversations are 100% work focused?

SushiMonster · 26/10/2018 17:13

give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life

@Yellowsunredroses Really? Really??? Did you really say that?

Petalflowers · 26/10/2018 17:17

And they are probably envious that you are a SAHM with a baby. Comparison is the thief of joy (to use a cliche).

We all have moments when other peoples lives seem more exciting, etc, and as others have said, it’s hard if you’re the first in the friendship,group to have a child.

Have you got many friends in your new life? Have you been to any mother and baby/toddler groups where you can chat to like minded people at the same stage of life as you? I’m not saying ditch the old ones, they will eventually have kids etc and be on the same page as you, but expand your friendship group.

Lavenderdays · 26/10/2018 17:18

I 'get' how you feel, had a meet up recently and felt very similar - I actually ended up feeling awkward which highlighted to me that these people aren't particularly good friends. Slightly different circumstances because I have been a sahm for many years and never really had a career as such. I don't have many childless friends but have friends with older children (whereas I have one older child plus two younger ones) and can see these other friends having more freedom/more portable/returning to work/taking up hobbies/more adventurous holidays etc. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change my circumstances (except for having dc younger but that wasn't to be) but I can't help but compare and have certainly had the grass is greener complex. I am where I am and I am trying to make the most of it - perhaps I am not totally suited to being a sahm but these are my current circumstances, for me, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my baby so this is the choice that I've made. Life isn't easy - sleepless nights, challenging behaviour of dc2 but time moves on and I am determined not to wish time away but to try and make the most of things: easier some days, than said.

Inmyvestandpants · 26/10/2018 17:18

I felt like this when all my SAHM friends went back to work and I was the only one of our group who didn't. But in the end, you have to focus on what you do have, not what you don't. Why did you decide to have a child and stop working? Was it a lifestyle you wanted, or is there something else you'd rather be doing?

Also, remember that it's only a few short years before you'll start to feel like your old self again, can get babysitters, some nice new clothes and go out once in a while. Your life is not over!

I found that volunteering for a local charity using my legal background stopped me from feeling like I had completely lost touch with my brain. Is there something you could do around your child that will use your pre-kids skills?

ThistleAmore · 26/10/2018 17:22

If it's any consolation, bear in mind there is a 'hierarchy of results' even among CFBC women.

I took time out in my career for mental health reasons and am now about five years behind my peers (crivvens, even some mothers are professionally ahead of me now!), but I did what I did because I had to do it.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
vimtosweets · 26/10/2018 17:23

@Racecardriver my friends all have quite senior jobs so I think thats why I feel a bit inferior.

@RiverTam these are a group of friends I used to see a lot of when I was living a similar life in London. I do have other friends with children but they are scattered around the country

Maybe I need to find new friends who are in a similar situation to me!

OP posts:
Lavenderdays · 26/10/2018 17:23

Inmyvest...good advice. I have a hobby that keeps me sane and mentally stimulated and I am so glad because it is going to be a few years before dc3 starts pre-school and I have a bit more time to myself. Hobby is squeezed in (usually whilst dc3 sleeps) but I am determined to keep it as something for me. It also gives me a sense of identity when I'm usually known as x's mum.

Lavenderdays · 26/10/2018 17:26

I came to a similar conclusion that I need to find new friends/acquaintances that have things in common with me, i.e. young children but there are one or two really good friends that I am determined to keep because they are worth the energy and have stuck by me or share the same hobby outside of children.

BoomTish · 26/10/2018 17:27

give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life

How bizarre. Does this mean you think loads of women are miserable and feel their life is meaningless for the first few decades, and then have a child to fill that void?

What an odd way to think. I’d pity any child born with the “job” of making someone’s miserable life meaningful.

Lizzie48 · 26/10/2018 17:30

I no longer have friends that have big careers, my friends these days are other mums, or their DC have grown up, as I adopted my DDs late in life.

I do sometimes look nostalgically at my life as a singleton in my own flat with my beloved cat for company, a fulfilling job as a legal secretary and great friends. Or my life as a married woman with no DC, when I was fully involved with the Christian charity supporting women from Central Asia, when I was travelling regularly.

But then I remember that in those days, I really wanted to get married and then I wanted DC, went through infertility, failed IVF and then the adoption process.

We all make our choices. I'm happy with the choices I made, even if I sometimes wish that I could do the things I did in my earlier life.

Lavenderdays · 26/10/2018 17:45

Lizzie, I think like you, that I have made the right choice but having no extended family or outside childcare support, I currently don't have a balance in life but I know that will even out a bit more eventually. I had a late loss and secondary infertility so I know how precious my dc's are...but I would love a week off just to do the things I did in my earlier life as you mentioned. If I have any time outside of the home/ not involving the children, I don't take it for granted because it is so rare and I savour it more than before.

krustykittens · 26/10/2018 17:50

OP, I used to feel the same way, but as PP have pointed out, there can be a lot of downsides to the lives we envy, we just don't see them. I am sure my life is very small compared to some people's but it makes me happy. Does YOUR life make YOU happy? If it does, great. If not, change it. But don't waste your time envying others, someone will always seem to have more.

Lizzie48 · 26/10/2018 17:50

And I also don't have family support. I'm not close to my DM (long story), and she's 79 so not really in a position to help. Everyone else is long way from us. Plus, our DD1 (9) has SEN and needs a lot of support. I've thought about getting a job before, but it really wouldn't work. (I have my own MH issues anyway because of a traumatic childhood.)

I have learnt, though, that regrets are a waste of time. And I know I'm very blessed in many ways. 

Racecardriver · 26/10/2018 17:55

@vimyosweets the key word there is jobs. Unless they are in positions with very little supervision/running their own business they will have to do what they’re told. Being at the behest of some strange adult isn’t really any better than your own baby/toddler. At 30 the vast majority of people are doing drudge work. If you prefer the kind they do them just go back to work. You don’t have to prefer caring for young children just because you are a parent. But very very few 30 year olds are living the high life are even able to pursue their own wants and needs on a really fundamental level (unless they live their job/beings SAHM which some people do, not everyone is interesting). There really is no need to feel inferior. It is Horst all unreasonable to feel jealous if you would rather bring doing what they are but don’t feel inferior.

ThunderInMyHeart · 26/10/2018 18:08

Agree with @racecardriver

I’m a young professional in London. I can’t wait to move further out, have babies, and settle down with zero social obligations.

LostInShoebiz · 26/10/2018 18:12

Racecardriver Working in a job you’ve chosen with people who like and respect you for a boss wlthat values your contribution is very different from looking after a demanding toddler. Just because some jobs aren’t all that doesn’t mean you have to do them all down to make the OP feel better.

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