AIBU to feel inferior to my childless friends

[vimtosweets]

Since I had my DD a year ago I have moved out of London and have decided to be a SAHM for the time being due to my old job being stressful and inflexible with part time hours. I meet up with my old group of friends in London every few months and have realised that whilst they are all being promoted and living seemingly glamorous and busy lives travelling and eating out, I am spending my time in oversize clothes, not going out and with very little spare cash now we are living on my DH's salary. I now realise that if I were to return to work part time I would have to take a huge pay cut and simply cannot afford to do the things I used to do with them.

I realise this is very normal in my position but I feel like I now have nothing to talk to them about when I see them and wonder if they think I have a very boring life! Anyone else feel this way when they see their childless friends with amazing careers?

It depends on your friendship. I was a SAHM for 10 years, now working P/T.

I've kept 6/7 friends that I met pre kids. They each have amazing careers and a lot more disposable cash than I do! But over the last decade some have kids now, some have stepchildren, and some have decided against having children or have been unable to have children.
I love them (and their various families). I don't feel judged for my choices and I definitely don't judge theirs. Our lives are very different but we've adapted. I can't join them at every restaurant or weekend away but we generally find ways to meet in the middle.

By all means look for new friends - but don't ditch your old ones. They were friends for a reason (hopefully ).

Thank you to all who sent helpful and supportive posts, much appreciated!

Don’t know why some people are getting annoyed with a couple of PPs saying life has no meaning pre-kids. They’re clearly only speaking from personal experience and we should pity them. We’ve all met people like that at school who were only ever interested in getting married and having kids and did drudge jobs to mark time until they could achieve their one goal in life which was to marry Gary up the road.

Many of us, however, had a life pre-kids, have one with kids and will have one once they’ve flown the nest.

I certainly had a life with meaning pre-motherhood, it was just different. I also had a good job in my 30s and although it wasn’t always great, it wasn’t drudgery either.

I feel sorry for the type of woman who’s life lacked meaning pre-kids. What a waste of youth, it actually sounds really depressing.

Wow there is a lot of very worked up people reading waaaay too much into a what was a quick comment designed to make the op feel better.
No one said life without kids lacked meaning. No one said life pre kids lacked meaning.
Calm down! I was just saying to the op enjoy what you’ve got now rather than fantasising over a different life.

And it’s certainly not my personal experience either - pre kids I got a first from oxford, travelled the world and lived abroad, volunteered for charities, achieved a sought after professional qualification, ran marathons and lived a very full life in London. However, whatever I’ve had to give up, however life has changed, nothing compares now to little pudgy fingers cuddling my neck or the sound of my eldest laughing away. I value that, I appreciate that.

It’s just about appreciating what you have, rather than what you don’t have - as others have said.
FWIW I do wish I had appreciated being single/pre children more too when I was those things.

Ugh threads like this depress the fuck out of me. Got childless friends? Ditch ‘em! They’re probably jealous of you and their lives have no meaning, tee hee!

@Cautionsharpblade Every.single.time!

'I bet they're looking at you and wish they had what you have'.

saying life has no meaning pre-kids. They’re clearly only speaking from personal experience and we should pity them

Except they didn’t say that.

OP I think there is more to having an 'amazing career' than money. Personally I wouldn't have wanted to be a SAHM, I found 'mummy friends' difficult to find as I had a lot less in common with most SAHMs than people I met at work or via hobbies (who are often mums too anyway but not always, I still have plenty in common with people who don't have kids)

I think this is about finding your niche. You've had two massive life changes - moving and becoming a mum. YOU need to work out how you will now be happiest. Don't listen to the 'children give your life meaning' brigade - it's judgy shit, not just on women who don't have children but also those who do but actually need/ want stuff in their lives outside that. Perhaps you'd be happier if you went back to work, maybe you need mum friends, maybe you need hobbies only you can find the answer.

I went through a stage like you, being broke because I had a business that went wrong. Lots of weight gain from my baby, comfort eating through stress and tiredness, became very frumpy and felt world’s apart from some of my more glamorous friends. Some of them actually fell by the wayside but others were supportive and kind and would bring dinner to my house and watch TV with me when I couldn’t afford to go out etc. Fast forward 5 years and I have got a good career again, have made an effort to lose weight, started running, have more money and nice clothes again. My daughter is 9 now and life isn’t easy but it is more how I want it to be and I am lucky that I do love working too. I suggest trying to meet some local Mum type friends who you have stuff in common with, but also working a little on your self image and making some quality time for yourself if there is any possible way you can, as it might make you feel more like your old self. Am sure your London friends love you for who you are, but if they don’t, there is no harm in winding down the amount of contact you have with them either.

Look at it from a different perspective. I am the only person out of my friendship and work group without children. I also shift work
No one ever wants to come have drinks in the evening. The will only do coffees at certain times due to naps/daycare etc. Everyone has kids sports, swimming, playdates and parties on weekends. I am rarely invited to the above events as they think I woudn't want to as I don't have children. So because of NOT having children my social life is non-existent, my friends have other friends now and I feel like the one left out.
You cant stay friends with the same people your whole life. Maybe its time to move on and find friends with similar interests and lifestyles.

And yes I should take my own advice but I live in a very small town and there are practically no women my age without children.

Think of it this way, whatever it looks like on the outside, no matter how amazing or interesting someone's job or life might be I'd say the majority only do it because they have to not out of choice.

Realistically how many of us would keep the same lifestyle if we won the lottery? At the end of the day, most of it is stress and drudgery.

Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life

I think that anyone who believes you need to have kids to have ‘proper meaning’ in your life is insecure about their achievements before kids. There’s no other reason why you’d tell yourself that the particular achievement you happened to manage is the only truly meaningful one.

OP - it sounds like being a SAHM maybe isn’t for you? While it’s true that this might just be ‘grass is greener’ feelings, it’s worth you considering whether you would be happier and more fulfilled if you worked. I know that if I have kids I would return to work full time after mat leave because working is so important to me and such an essential part of my identity.

Just remember, there’s no wrong choice - whether you work out or the home or are a SAHM, you’re still a great parent. It all comes down to what is best for you. You aren’t inferior to your friends by any means - you’re doing something really important! But don’t feel guilty if working is an important part of your identity and something you want to do.

I don't feel inferior to anyone these days, I find that I quite honestly couldn't give a shit.
Content of mind is worth more than attempting to give people perceptions.

"Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life if not much glamour right now

I completely agree with this - it's what people with children think but aren't allowed to say (or think, actually).."

So people with children believe that their children's lives are miserable and meaningless until they have children of their own? Or does it only apply to other people?

Enjoy your kids. I go around in old clothes and rarely eat out and I work part time so I really wouldn't worry. Enjoy your kids while they're young. You're no good to them if you're stressed out. You made the change for a reason.

Agreed with previous posters - I don't think the issue here is having or not having children, it sounds like it is having or not having a career.

Personally I would go mad if I didn't have a career which gives me a separate 'life' outside of DD- being a SAHM just wouldn't work for me. Maybe take time to consider different career options to your previous career if logistics more difficult now. Or even interests/volunteering while the children are with your DH or at school?

Thank you everyone - lots to think about! I agree that I need to find some form of hobby or part time work to make me feel more like myself again