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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel inferior to my childless friends

69 replies

vimtosweets · 26/10/2018 16:16

Since I had my DD a year ago I have moved out of London and have decided to be a SAHM for the time being due to my old job being stressful and inflexible with part time hours. I meet up with my old group of friends in London every few months and have realised that whilst they are all being promoted and living seemingly glamorous and busy lives travelling and eating out, I am spending my time in oversize clothes, not going out and with very little spare cash now we are living on my DH's salary. I now realise that if I were to return to work part time I would have to take a huge pay cut and simply cannot afford to do the things I used to do with them.

I realise this is very normal in my position but I feel like I now have nothing to talk to them about when I see them and wonder if they think I have a very boring life! Anyone else feel this way when they see their childless friends with amazing careers?

OP posts:
StrawberrySquash · 26/10/2018 18:20

As my friend who thought it wasn't going to happen said when she was pregnant, 'It's not better, it's not worse, it's just different.' I'm the single one working in London. I appreciate the freedom in my life, I miss having a partner, my feelings about children are mixed. But I still want to see my married with kids friends. Went out with one the other night. We talked about various things happening in our and our wider families' lives. It was all good.

Lavenderdays · 26/10/2018 18:24

Lizzie, we sound similar re our own mothers, closeness (estranged) and lack of support. Plus I am considering a SEN assessment for dc2 (very challenging behaviour) and yes my upbringing has greatly affected my own mental health. Through all of this, compared to what I have known, I too feel blessed and also recognise that regrets are a waste of time (and therefore I am determined to carry on pursuing something that I greatly enjoy, just for me).

scortja · 26/10/2018 18:52

Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life if not much glamour right now

I completely agree with this - it's what people with children think but aren't allowed to say (or think, actually)..

gendercritter · 26/10/2018 18:57

Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life

Ouch. Really?

OP I know being a mum must be really unglamorous and boring and hard at times. As a childless person I don't romanticise it thanks mostly to Mumsnet! But you have no idea how many people in my shoes long for your reality. I do. I'd swap in an instant (despite my life having lots of joy and meaning, just to clarify) I don't believe anyone has a perfect life and you're completely entitled to be envious because I think everyone is at times but you are very lucky and I'd urge you just to look for the positives of your situation. I bet some of your friends are envious of you.

ZackPizzazz · 26/10/2018 18:57

I completely agree with this - it's what people with children think but aren't allowed to say (or think, actually)..

Probably because it's both untrue and really shitty. I had meaning in my life before I had DC and I had meaning in my life afterwards. Nor have I stopped finding my job meaningful.

It doesn't have to be either/or. You can have kids, work, go out socially. If you're really struggling with envy then maybe you need a bit more of that in your life, without going back. I feel I have the life I want, with kids, work, seeing friends, starting to study again soon.

gendercritter · 26/10/2018 18:58

It's highly highly insensitive to say though Scortja. There are lots of people reading who are struggling hugely with being childless along with lots of women who have very meaningful lives and who don't want children. It's not the done thing to voice it for very good reason.

Pursefirst · 26/10/2018 19:06

Keep telling yourself that Scortja, if it makes you feel better Hmm

ZackPizzazz · 26/10/2018 19:06

It's not just "insensitive" though. That rather suggests it's true and just shouldn't be voiced. It's mean-spirited bullshit.

DailyMaui · 26/10/2018 19:07

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Be kind to yourself

This is so true. When I had my kids, I was the first one of friends to have them. And when I went back to work they would only let me do part time if I took the same job title, but a much less interesting job. Pretty much a demotion. I was so out of sorts, seeing everyone around me earning more, getting promoted, going out, having exciting lives...

Except I forgot that the exciting going out life left me broke and unhealthy, I had worked all hours, the promotions were often just in name only etc etc. I just needed to slow down and take in the changes. Now I look back on that time as a period of real happiness. I had time to enjoy my children and what I lacked in money I made up for in so many other ways. I've been back full time for several years now, and my job looks very glam to the outsider. But I'd give anything to drop some days and have more time with my children before they leave home.

Think of the long haul... and embrace what you have today.

TheClitterati · 26/10/2018 19:08

At this time, when we really see our sex impacting on our lives, many women discover or rediscover feminism.

Embrace radical feminism OP - your life will get a lot more interesting 

TheClitterati · 26/10/2018 19:10

And remember comparison is the thief of joy.

Original poster
vimtosweets · 26/10/2018 19:23

@DailyMaui that has really struck a chord with me - actually exactly how I felt when I lived that life most of the time - need to remember this!

I think I need to find friends closer to me who have similar lives and yes I do to stop comparing myself. I think I feel like I having nothing interesting to say to them as all I can talk about is my DD which I don't think they can identify with at this time.

Motherhood can be lonely! I feel like I have lost myself sometimes

OP posts:
Celestia26 · 26/10/2018 19:41

All I can say OP is that I feel the same. In the 7 years since I had my 2 children I feel like I have just got older, greyer, fatter, more unattractive and more boring and with less career prospects as time goes on.

People with older children have assured me that this feeling of inferiority will pass, as your children get older, and you get more of 'your' life back.

Be kind to yourself, enjoy the small things, and remember this feeling won't last forever Flowers

Cherries101 · 26/10/2018 19:55

This isn’t about kids. It’s about you being at home. If you want to work then do it.

DorothyLNaySayers · 26/10/2018 20:06

Bullshit, scortja. I have a Dd, my main job in life now is to take care of her until she can take care of herself. That doesn’t mean my less has any more or less meaning than it does before I had her, or if I never had her.

Unless you count ‘meaning’ to mean ‘continue to proliferate the human race in the exact same way as has been done for centuries and will be done for centuries to come like the animals we are’ then having children doesn’t give your life meaning. It may give it focus, but that’s an altogether different beast.

GoatWithACoat · 26/10/2018 20:07

There is a lot of prpjection on this thread. Saying someone finds meaning by having kids doesn’t mean life has no meaning without them. People find meaning in lots of things. The poster also never said ‘people without kids are miserable’. 🙄

DorothyLNaySayers · 26/10/2018 20:07

*life

Trills · 26/10/2018 20:17

I can see where the impulse comes from, to say "their lives are probably not that great", to try to feel better, but it's really not the case that most people aged 30 are doing "drudge work" or that everyone would prefer to leave the city and have a baby and be a SAHM.

Laloup1 · 26/10/2018 20:22

Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life if not much glamour right now

I’m open mouthed that someone could be so single-minded and heartless to write this

Laloup1 · 26/10/2018 20:24

OP try not to need to benchmark yourself against others’ lives. Everyone is compromising in places. You are living your life. It may have its ups and downs but hopefully overall it works for you.

nokidshere · 26/10/2018 20:33

I've been at home for 20yrs now and love every minute of it (even more so when they went to school) but we were married for 15yrs pre children and I loved every minute of that too. Now my sons are very independent (one at uni, one about to go) and I'm loving this too. I don't do anything exciting. I potter about doing my own thing. But guess where all my working friends come to wind down? Yep mine!

Decide what you want to do and do it. What others do won't impact your life or your feelings, only you can do that with envy, jealousy or comparison. Oh and stop trying to second guess what your friends think of you because invariably you will be wrong.

continuallychargingmyphone · 26/10/2018 20:37

You chose to have children

Darkstar4855 · 26/10/2018 20:39

I had a great life when I was single but I never thought my friends who had kids had boring or inferior lives - I was often quite envious of them as I would have loved to have had kids earlier but just didn’t meet the right person.

PurpleDaisies · 26/10/2018 20:43

Aw give your kids a cuddle and know you have proper meaning in your life if not much glamour right now

I completely agree with this - it's what people with children think but aren't allowed to say (or think, actually)..

Ffs. What a pair of pathetic posts.

Biscuit
Yerroblemom1923 · 26/10/2018 20:46

Get yourself some mummy mates, mums I met from going to baby groups are now my closest friends. I still have friends from other places too but it's my "mum friends " I'm closest to now. Friendships can be fluid and people come along at different points in your life. I'm not saying ditch your old child-free friends but maybe it's time to invest in more relevant ones.