Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go?

55 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 08:06

My DP's family always have something going on. 18th birthday party of some distant cousin, communion, christening, seems like every other weekend theres something happening that my DP is forced to attend.

Problem is he always expects me to go with him.

The thing is his family are quite draining. None of them know how to make conversation so discussions just revolve around local gossip. I've been with him 2 years, and I've literally only been asked 2 questions in those 2 years, both of which were asked on the first day I met them:

  • how old are you?
  • when did you two meet?

Since then, nothing. I try and join in the local gossip by asking questions, i ask them questions about their lives based on past conversations, and then i offer up info on what im up to (since nobody seems to really care enough to ask!). Its weird because I get up to quite a lot which they know about, so either they're not asking because they're just not interested or they just never learnt to make conversation. They're not mean people, but its just tiring when there's no give and take and you're just there to fulfil some kind of convention.

Basically im expected to go to these things just because its the done thing, just to be present.

So now I've got a text from his sister inviting me to her son's birthday lunch on sunday.

Part of me thinks - you know what, its my sunday, I cant be fucked with this.

The other part of me thinks i should suck it up.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 08:10

Also her son is 19 and I'm not a fan. He's a pretty rude kid, and definitely out of all them really doesn't give a shit whether I'm there or not.

But its just i know if i dont go they'll talk about me, not bitching but like "oh how disappointing Bright isnt here for a family event".

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 26/10/2018 08:13

Say you have plans for Sunday.
Tell your husband you plan to go to less of his family stuff, it sounds so tedious.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 08:15

@Ohyesiam
The thing is they are a really close family, see each other every day etc so it will look like a massive snub to them...

OP posts:
Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 08:20

The other thing that bothers me (sorry I'm going off on a massive one now arent I!) is that I've actually invited his sister 3 or 4 times to come into town and we'll go out for drinks and dinner just the two of us.

You know, ti get to know each other woman to woman.

But shes never taken me up on my offer, she always just wants me to go to family things.

Whats that about then?! Am I being paranoid or does that mean that effectively she's not too interested in getting to know each other, but just wants me to take part in some kind of family convention?

OP posts:
redexpat · 26/10/2018 08:29

Full sympathy from me. When I moved to dhs country we used to be invited to everything. It actually prevented me from integrating in the local community - everytime there was a festival or what not, there was a family alternative that we were expected to attend. In the end I wrote a list of all the parties we were automatically saying yes to. 26. That was just birthdays. There were also weddings xhristenings anniversaries etc. So at least every other weekend. They made me miserable. I have notjing in common with these people. They would sit around saying how great the peoples party are and how awful foreigners are. Any time I got upset I was told that I had to respect their opinions whilst they showed absolutely no regard for mine.

In the end I basically had a meltdown. I also pointed out to dh that there were several parties on fb that we hadnt been invited to which helped. We changed who we automatically say yes to and the list is much shorter. Children and direct relations, FILs side (v small). Also we cut down on who we invited starting with ds' christening. There was an initial backlash, and suddenly everyone else has followed.

I would also like to thank the MN collective for raising my self worth. I no longer attend SILs parties because her ILs bitched about foreigners the first time I was there, then bitched and mocked a caseworker at the jobcenter for asking questions she is legally obliged to. Im a jc caseworker. I am not prepared to spend my time being insulted. I deserve better. Nor do I attend parties of dhs cousin as the last time I went the house was so filthy it triggered my asthma. My life is more important than a sodding party.

Self indulgant rant over. Back to you - can you implement a rule for who you go to? Pils and small children? small children only? Landmark events only?

Also can you get people into an activity like cards or boardgames?

redexpat · 26/10/2018 08:32

Answer your second post: yes she has family in a box and what you are suggesting is outside that box. She's not interested in you as an individual, just as another cog in the family wheel. Going out for drinks is not what family do in her book. Going to endless parties is.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 08:53

@redexpat
You so, so get me!!! Reading your post was like reading my life!

No way can I get them to do a board game unfortunately. And thats exactly what it is - being a cog in the family wheel.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 26/10/2018 09:04

What struck me was how strange that a 19yo would have a family lunch for his birthday!

Anyway, you don't need to go. Just say no!

redexpat · 26/10/2018 09:33

There's a few of us on MN you know. You are not alone!

NorthernSpirit · 26/10/2018 09:40

They sound insular and self absorbed. My PIL are the same - only talk about themselves and in the 4 years i’ve been with their son I don’t think they’ve ever asked anything about me or my life. I’ve detached. I attend minimal family events. My time is precious.

Aprilislonggone · 26/10/2018 09:43

I would ask yourself how invested you would like them in your life post marriage /dc.
And act accordingly.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/10/2018 09:45

Just say your have longstanding plans. Why would this be a massive snub? It's quite short notice.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/10/2018 09:45

*you not your

ThePencil · 26/10/2018 09:55

My ILs are the same - lots of massive family events which we're all expected to go to because "we're a really close family". Anyone who happens to be away usually Face Times in at some point.

There is zero actual conversation, just "banter", which is mainly rehashing the same (not particularly funny) "hilarious" stories of their childhoods. It's incredibly tedious.

They see each other virtually every day anyway, so there's nothing to catch up on, and I genuinely don't think they have the ability to "catch up". A few times I've tried doing something with one or other of them to get to know them (eg arranged to take DCs to soft play with SIL who had DCs of a similar age) only to arrive and they've all turned up (including SIL with no kids - why would you endure soft play with no kids?!).

I've just massively cut back on what I go to. DH goes and I don't think I've ever been missed. DH has now realised that nothing bad happens if things are not attended, and has started skipping some of it as well. He's enjoying his freedom.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 10:14

@ThePencil
This happens to me as well.

Like with the sister thing I mentioned above, I decided to invite his mum to this thing that was on, and she showed up with her 13 year old grandson.

Dont get me wrong, hes a nice kid, but again, I thought it could be about getting yo know each other, and that coupled with the sister experience makes me feel like they almost use the kids as a kind of shield if you get me (a shield from what I do not know).

OP posts:
Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 10:17

Also, none of my one on one invites have been reciprocated.

For example his mum knows i love markets and all that kind of thing and she knows i dont have a car. I absolutely do not expect this, but it would have been nice if at some point she suggested we go out and about to something like a market together.

Again, i dont expect this, its just that it really does reinforce the idea of not really wanting to get to know me, which is fine, but then i resent the pressure of having to show my face at stuff.

OP posts:
ThePencil · 26/10/2018 10:19

I've realized with my ILs that they have no interest in getting to know anyone, because they literally don't understand the concept. Their family is based on big events and banter. They don't DO conversation. They rarely socialize outside the family, so they don't really see any other examples of how family works.

They think it's fabulous, but actually when something big happens (eg a death) they don't cope well at all. I'm kind of waiting for there to be a big implosion some day (sadly).

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 26/10/2018 10:25

@ThePencil

Urgh. Also, and I know this is horrible, but mine almost enjoy a good death. Somebody from the very far removed family (hold your breath: the mother of the cousin's ex husband) died, and this became a subject for crying and gossiping for two weeks, despite the family having met her two or three times.

So how can I respond to this text his sister has sent me then? She sent it yesterday it says: "See you for Sunday lunch for X's birthday!"

OP posts:
ThePencil · 26/10/2018 10:28

So it wasn't an invite, it was a summons? I assume you're expected to have known it was his birthday, and kept Sunday free for the party?

I'd just reply with "Oh, so sorry, I didn't realise it was this weekend! I've made plans on Sunday. Hope he has a lovely day!"

Show them that your life doesn't revolve around them (my DH had to learn this).

Monty27 · 26/10/2018 10:31

Sorry, I can't I am doing such and such
Christ it really sounds draining

ApolloandDaphne · 26/10/2018 10:31

Just text back and say 'sorry can't make it. Have a lovely lunch'.

CoughLaughFart · 26/10/2018 10:33

Send back ‘Sorry, I can’t make it because I’d rather shoot myself in the face I have a prior engagement. Wish your son a happy birthday from me!’

As you suggest, it’s unlikely a 19 year-old will be heartbroken his uncle’s partner of two years isn’t there - it’s not like he’s grown up thinking of you as his auntie. The only question is, will your partner be disappointed? You may have to prepare for a conversation about just how much time you spend on family events.

OhDoGrowUp · 26/10/2018 10:34

Oh op - sympathies!

I think this is really common among in-laws (sorry for the sweeping generalisation there - note I said common, not that ALL in-laws do it). They just aren’t interested in getting to know their male relative’s female partners “woman to woman”.

I have known mine for 14 years now and have no interest in me as a human being and never have. They have been deeply insensitive to my feelings when I suffered an objectively very traumatic event. I now think they’re a bit of a shower and I make zero effort. They get nothing from me. Zip. And that’s the way it will stay. Obviously mine is quite extreme, but you do have my sympathies.

Yanbu not to go along, but how to get out of it without causing offence I don’t really know.

With mine I don’t care anymore if I offend them. I don’t communicate with them; they only ever communicated with me through dh anyway tbh. And if dh and dcs want to see them, they go without me.

Holidayshopping · 26/10/2018 10:36

Sounds awful-don’t you already have plans?!

What would your DH say?

Loonoon · 26/10/2018 10:38

Text her back ‘thanks for the invitation, I can’t make it Sunday but hope you all have a great time x’. If she pushes say you have other plans.

You might then be the topic of some gossip on the day but that’s not your problem. You’ll be at home relaxing.