AIBU to not go?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

My DP's family always have something going on. 18th birthday party of some distant cousin, communion, christening, seems like every other weekend theres something happening that my DP is forced to attend.

Problem is he always expects me to go with him.

The thing is his family are quite draining. None of them know how to make conversation so discussions just revolve around local gossip. I've been with him 2 years, and I've literally only been asked 2 questions in those 2 years, both of which were asked on the first day I met them:

• how old are you?
• when did you two meet?

Since then, nothing. I try and join in the local gossip by asking questions, i ask them questions about their lives based on past conversations, and then i offer up info on what im up to (since nobody seems to really care enough to ask!). Its weird because I get up to quite a lot which they know about, so either they're not asking because they're just not interested or they just never learnt to make conversation. They're not mean people, but its just tiring when there's no give and take and you're just there to fulfil some kind of convention.

Basically im expected to go to these things just because its the done thing, just to be present.

So now I've got a text from his sister inviting me to her son's birthday lunch on sunday.

Part of me thinks - you know what, its my sunday, I cant be fucked with this.

The other part of me thinks i should suck it up.

Thoughts?

That's the thing, I know my DP is going to be disappointed in me, like I'm not making an effort with his family.
Actually we had one of those "not quite a tiff but if we had more time it could have become one" conversations this morning, which went like this:
Him - You know it's X's birthday on Sunday?
Me - Yeah I got the text (...) I'm not sure I'll go actually. I doubt X will be all that bothered!
Him - What are you going to say? That you're busy writing your screenplay?
Me - Ha, maybe...
Him (half joking) - At least come up with a good excuse! Say you're sick or something!
Me - I think writing a screenplay is actually a good excuse.
Him - Well it's a bit la di da as an excuse.
Me - Why? If your sister couldn't come to something because she had football training, I'd see that as a valid reason.
Him (annoyed) - Oh alright, I was just messing around.

Good grief, don't go. It sounds like quite short notice on this occasion anyway.

I'm really counting my lucky stars that a) my in-laws are quite hands-off/don't care if I only visit once a year (because they consider it's my life/decision to make) b) my husband and I feel free to have social lives outside of each other/our families...

Unfortunately, it sounds like the problem is your husband thinking you should be at all events and not being willing to support your decision to not go. Without his pressure you wouldn't be questioning yourself as much.
Sounds like you already do tonnes (too much for me!) with them already, OP.

@ohdogrowup. Surely that should be common in families not inlaws, unless the daughters husbands get treated to 1 on 1 time and not seen as an extension of their wives. Presumably if SIL is at a family evemt every weekend she is spending no time with her own inlaws if that makes sense.

To be fair, writing the screenplay isn't a great excuse unless you have an imminent deadline. Just say you have a prior arrangement to meet friends or something similar. As pointed out, it is short notice and your SIL really can't expect you to be at her beck and call.

How are things with your H generally? Does he see you as a person, care about what you are doing, make conversation with you? It sounds like, as far as his family are concerned, you are 'H's Wife' and have no identity - you're just a prop in the picture of him as a Happily Married Man. He may have dated and married you with the mindset of wanting to forge a life outside his dull, insular, suffocating family, but having grown up in their mindset he may struggle to break out of it. Marriage sometimes seems to reinforce, to some men, the 'values' they grew up with: when the independent, autonymous woman they were dating becomes Wife, she becomes property and is expected to obey.

@ReanimatedSGB
Well that's funny you should mention that because I've been feeling really confused and uneasy about our relationship lately.
Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me, but it just feels like something has shifted but I can't see what. It's making me feel uncomfortable and is kind of inhibiting me around him these days. I mean for some reason I can't seem to be truly myself around him these days which is awful. I don't know why. He hasn't seemed to have changed, I just feel a bit off around him and can't pinpoint why. I think it's to do with having to do too much compromising or something.

Oh that's a good point Sweeney! But, as I said, it certainly isn't all in-laws / families. I do think it's common though.

My SIL, for example, spends a lot of time with her husband's family, especially her SIL, but she has no interest whatsoever in spending time with me. Her husband's family are delightful actually and have shown me more kindness than my actual in-laws, particularly after the aforementioned trauma.

I even think my own family are guilty of this btw. My family welcomed my dh with open arms, but certain family members intensely disliked my brother's ex-wife. Having hated trying to fit in with my own dh's family, I made a huge effort to form a relationship with her and then my brother had an affair, left her for OW and he and ex-sil are now divorced. I'm having to start again now with the new partner, while still in touch with ex-sil, who I consider a friend.

In my family, I'm certain the people who disliked ex sil did so because
they were a bit possessive over my brother, the only boy. I think it came from a place of insecurity. Similar to my SIL and her in-laws; my SIL is probably quite insecure beneath it all, whereas her in-laws are a bit glamourous and confident. They probably never saw SIL as "stealing their brother" or competition, as they are very secure. That's my theory anyway.

But you're right, it isn't all families, but I have seen a few times irl; new women in the family aren't as welcome as men.

Sorry for enormous me-rail op!

What compromises have you had to make that you aren't happy with op?

That doesn't sound good.

@OhDoGrowUp
Thats very interesting you know, my DP is the only son, so maybe you're on to something. And I can relate: his sister's in laws I actually love! Whereas she doesn't like them....

Thanks! I've had 14 years of trying to figure out why these people just weren't at all interested in getting to know me. This is the best I could come up with.

I'm not normally a terribly offensive person, so I was a bit stumped. DH still likes me though, so that's all that matters I guess. And I'm glad they showed their true colours, so I feel no guilt having as little to do with them as possible.

Hopefully you have better success with yours, if that's what you really want?

@OhDoGrowUp
Its stuff like I moved to his neck of the woods because that was non negotiable to him. Got to know his friends and family, whereas mine are much, much firther afield (think 6 hour journey). So he's met the local friends Ive managed to make here, but not my real friends or family from back home. He works 6 days a week so it would be tricky to get up there to see them but still. Stuff like my closest friend came down to visit so we did 4 nights Air BnBing in our local city near where we live, and one of those nights I invited him to come and join us since it was his day off - but he couldn't be bothered. Which I get, so didnt push it, but it just contributes to feeling frustrated.

Also stuff like before we moved in together I had my own flat here, and have always lived like a bit of a hippy I guess. I paint so I did murals on the walls, my place was always pretty messy and had weirdy knick knacks and stuff I'd found, all my kind of recycled furniture and stuff, you get the picture.
But then we moved in together in a new place and we ended up keeping all his furniture bar my couch. The reason being his furniture was actual proper furniture that was more practical. I do get that. But now i just feel like im living in this kind of aseptic flat (i keep it tidy because i know thats important to him) and it just feels weird.

I dont know guys. Im confused.

Hmmmmm it could be just teething problems when first living together? But, it definitely isn't right if you're the only one compromising while he's laying down the "non-negotiable"s. And moving away from family and friends is a BIG compromise.

I know a relationship is about compromise but I feel like I'm losing myself a bit here.

I feel like there's a vibe or dynamic that has changed between us and I cant figure out what it is or why.

I feel myself becoming a little more withdrawn with him now. Like I dont feel inspired to share stuff with him the way I used to. I dont talk as freely or blather on the way I used to. I just dont feel as lively or as free around him as I used to, I feel awkward and uncomfortable sometimes, a little shy even, but for no reason I can think of.

He doesnt seem to have changed the way he is with me.

It just all feels a bit more pedestrian and suffocating compared to how it was before but I cant seem to see how that happened or why or how to fix it. I cant seem to snap out of feeling more withdrawn around him now.

Im laying all this out on here to describe it you but obviously in reality its much more subtle than that - I dont think he would say he had noticed a change in me.

@ohdogrowup I wonder if it's because a new woman is seen as a threat. Most females (not all) that I know tend to gravitate more to their own families than their husbands. So the male family feels more like they are losing a son rather than gaining a dil? I have a wonderful dil who I get on very well with but she and my son still spend far more time with her family than they do with mine. Same with my in laws love them , get on well with them but see my family far more often. However none of us mind or take offence if somebody cant make an event we just enjoy each other's company when we do get together.

Yeah, that may be it Sweeney, although my family live overseas or are dead, while dh's family are a one hour drive away from us. So if that was their fear, it certainly hasn't come to fruition in our case. Funnily enough, it's DH's other sister who has left the country to be with her in-laws.

They wouldn't take offence if I don't show up either, so that is one major thing in my in-laws' favour. They might be cold to me, but they certainly aren't demanding. So, swings and roundabouts!

OP, I have felt a little how you describe at certain points. For me, it was less to do with dh's and my relationship than it was a big adjustment going from being a fairly independent person who was free to do whatever, to then having to make compromises. DH and I have very different taste as well, so it did feel like a huge adjustment and at times I felt as if I was doing all the compromising. Now, things are a lot better though and he is less rigid too.

That said, I have always felt free to express myself in front of DH, even if we disagree. That part doesn't sound nice for you at all.

@OhDoGrowUp
Maybe you're right and its about losing the independance alright. It's not that I can't say how I feel exactly. I think its about what @ReanimatedSGB said and theres an element of guy gets girl and then proceeds to try and unwittingly change girl, if you get me!

Hmm. It does sound like you are the one making all the compromises here - and he sees himself as your boss/owner rather than your partner.
Have you managed to hang on to your financial independence? Do you have a job? I would suggest you start putting your foot down, 'nicely' at first - you are busy, so you are not going to go to all these parties.
And don't, whatever you do, get pregnant. Especially if he is starting to push for babies - that would be a clear indicator of a man who wants to put you in your place - little wifey whose life is about the man and his children...

Just read your updates. The bit about something shifting is worrying. You feel like you're losing yourself. All worrying. Would you consider some counselling? Not necessarily with DH, although that could be good too.

OP it rather sounds like you've just talked yourself out of a relationship

But, if not, as a PP alluded to, I'd be inventing a very imminent deadline (for initial drafts, ya know...).

Right so he gets to duck out of things that mean something to you because he ‘can’t be bothered’ but you get grilled on whether your reasons for not attending things are valid or not? What would happen if you simply said ‘i can’t be arsed love sorry’?

It may be that this is fixable as sometimes good men allow these inequities to creep into their relationships just because of their socialisation and they don’t mean anything malicious by it and are a bit taken aback when they realise they have double standards. Only you can tell if this is a) the case with your man or not, and b) whether you yourself can be arsed with having to do this educating/pointing out etc etc etc - to some people it’s a normal part of relationship give and take this ‘are you aware that you do xyz’; to others it’s all emotional labour that adds up to a burden they don’t want. Neither is right or wrong.

Stuff like my closest friend came down to visit so we did 4 nights Air BnBing in our local city near where we live, and one of those nights I invited him to come and join us since it was his day off - but he couldn't be bothered.

If that’s an acceptable reply from him, why isn’t it acceptable for you?! I would say I just can’t be bothered to go to his nephew’s lunch! See what he says...

It may be that this is fixable as sometimes good men allow these inequities to creep into their relationships just because of their socialisation and they don’t mean anything malicious by it and are a bit taken aback when they realise they have double standards. Yes that happened with my DH.

Update:

I told him and he looked really disappointed. I texted his sister and she was like "that's a shame". None of her usual smileys etc so I reckon she's disappointed too.

So now I feel guilty - but also strangely good! I think I've got a bit of my mojo bacl, weirdly

What reason did you give?