to ask how I talk about my traumatic birth experience?

[HarmonyMiles]

I gave birth to my beautiful baby on Monday. It was a horrible experience that has really affected me psychologically. I'm struggling to get my head round it.

I want to talk about it on mn and get some opinions but as it's quite a specific birth story, not sure how to go about it. The chances of anyone recognising me are quite slim I guess. Would it matter if they did? Probably not,

I just really need to voice what happened and learn to let go of any resentment that I hold towards the hospital staff who well and truly screwed up.

I am a bit of a mess and don't know what to do. I want my birth experience back. I know I can't have it. I'm just all over the place and I know the birth is weighing on me :(

[AlphaBravo]

OP probably 8/10 experience the same. It is the horrific side of NHS birthing centres. Women are not listened to, ever.

We're fed bullshit stories about 'birth plans' and self control and 'the birth that we want to have'... when ultimately, we will never get that. When they should be honest and tell you it feels like you're fucking dying and all you want is someone to hold your hand and breathe/die with you in that moment. And that isn't always your partner you want. It's a trained professional to tell you what's happening is normal, or not normal and listen to you.

We really need to talk more openly to pregnant women about how birth really feels, so they can manage their fears and expectations, rather than sugarcoat it, show stupid shows like 'one born' where they're all fucking being induced in a controlled environment and edited beyond the pale!! and end up with women traumatised because they don't truly understand what's about to hit them.

I'm 17m on and can only just start to talk about mine now and mine was a homebirth with a midwife company. But it was the treatment from the NHS prior and straight after the birth that exasperated the trauma to a much higher level.

Women need to be listened to. And we're being ignored.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I think it’s the being ignored and belittled when so vulnerable OP

To be in labour and dismissed in such a way must have been such a mind fuck

I think it might be helpful to move from the birth itself (which happened!) to the fact that when having a serious medical issue you were

Ignored
Belittled

I think that’s the issue and I am not surprised you are upset. Imagine going to Accident with a bloody broken leg and being told it’s not broken

Anyway I have read some horror stories be birth and your tale is slightly different as they completely ignored you

So not surprised you are traumatised . As it could have gone very wrong

Believe me time will heal . It really will .

But I don’t blame you for being shocked and scared and upset as that’s a terrible way to experience being at your most vulnerable

[SnuggyBuggy]

I'm really sorry this happened OP. You should have been listened to. How is your baby doing?

[ethelfleda]

Mine wasn’t as traumatic as yours OP and I’m sorry you went through that.

For me, the night after I had given birth I lay in the hospital bed and just thought hard about it all. I sort of rearranged my thoughts around it if that makes sense. I went from feeling overwhelmed and scared about the magnitude of what had just happened and instead made myself feel proud. Feel proud that I got as far as I did without pain relief, feel proud that I had carried and given birth to my beautiful baby under less than ideal circumstances and proud that I’m a much stronger woman than I give myself credit for

[LarryFreakinStylinson]

Oh this makes me so cross and gives midwifery staff such a bad name. I’m sorry you weren’t listened to OP. As a midwife I’m aware that not everyone is average so some people will statistically labour a lot quicker than others, it’s how averages work!! It’s a shame not all of my colleagues get that.

[Tillytrotter123]

I’m sorry you went through this. I had a bad experience too, I was refused pain relief even though it was in my birth plan and I was screaming for it. I was put in the bath for ages and midwife said I didn’t need examining. She told me to push even though I didn’t have the urge, it was only when the doctor came in because my babys heart rate had dropped that they realised she was in the wrong position. Minutes later I was signing something saying a consented to a hysterectomy and they had to use forceps. Even now I don’t know what really happened but I think 7 months is maybe too late. Luckily we were both ok but it was horrendous. I don’t have much advice but for me the memory is fading and I have a beautiful daughter. Look after yourself.

[sourpatchkid]

Do you feel you could put in a complaint OP? That was a horrific experience - I'm so sorry no one listened

[KnitFastDieWarm]

Just wanted to offer a solidarity hand hold my son is about to turn three and I still get flashbacks to his birth and the immediate aftermath. You’re not alone, none of us are, and we all deserved better and to be listened to and respected when we were at our most vulnerable. We were let down by people who were supposed to take care of us and it wasn’t our fault. Xx

[Shortyboo]

[Oblomov18]

I'm so sorry. So many of you have been very wronged.
And worse still, no justice, sometimes lies and ass-covering.
It's not right!

[gizmomonki]

sounds very similar to my recent experience i gave birth on a four bed ante natal ward with no pain relief after being refused and being told i was only 3cm. partner was sent home. i started giving birth on the bed on my own and the midwifes rushed in. it all happened very quickly, it hurt like hell but it was over quickly!!! less traumatic than my previous much longer labour with pain relief.

[Fruitbatdancer]

It sounds awful so for you.
But, and it pains me to say it you are here, you have a beautiful baby, and it could have been a lot worse. I know right now you feel it was awful but I’ve heard (and been through) a lot worse.
During a forced c section due to large baby and GD they ‘nicked’ a major vein with the scalpel and I lost 4 pints of blood on the table. Ducking horrific.
But innhere, baby’s here, we made it.
Honestly hug baby tight and be thankful.

[Evvvve]

Op you sound like an incredible woman dealing with all that and looking after your baby so well during delivery even when the 'professionals' were dismissive and told you that you were wrong
I had my 2nd dc in a NHS hospital and, thankfully there were no big complications, but I wasn't listened to by my midwife and was told I'd be hours yet. I needed an iv for group b strep so baby wouldn't contract it. It has to be administered 2 hours before baby is born for it to be effective. I arrived at hospital 4 hours before he was born, I kept telling them I needed it and kept getting told Id be ages yet. I was given it when I'd been asking for 2 hours, then my baby was born before the 2 hour window was up so dc had to be on antibiotics for 5 days and have spinal cord fluid taken as they thought he'd contracted it (thankfully not)
I wasn't listened to with so many seemingly small things but they could have turned into bigger issues. I think most midwives are amazing but there are a few too many who just don't listen to their patients and it has a big impact.

[Beetlebum1981]

Midwives seem to think they can judge your labour by how you appear and react. I've had two very positive birthing experiences but on both occasions when I went in I was told that they didn't really think I was that far on. They somewhat begrudgingly examined me and I was around 6cm's and they finally took me seriously. As a PP said, women have been giving birth for thousands of years, we know our bodies and it's about time we were listened to. I'm so sorry you've had such a horrendous experience. If you're mentally strong enough I would complain, they need to know that they failed you

[Bananacloud]

I understand you went through a horrible and traumatic birth but I don’t think the midwives give you wrong advice or instructions. They just do what they’re taught to do. So obviously I understand them getting pissed off when women are pushing when they’re not meant to be. BUT I can also understand that sometimes they can be wrong. Sounds like your husband went for quite a long walk though

[notangelinajolie]

Firstly congratulations

Not being listened to is something I have experienced and been traumatised by too (not giving birth but afterwards post natal care). I do hope you find a way to make yourself feel better - I suffered for years because I didn't do anything about it and I still have lots of unanswered questions which I will never know the answer to now because too many years have passed. My advice is strike while the iron is hot and keep pushing to get some answers and maybe some therapy or counselling. Not sure how you go about all this but Mumsnet is a good place start.

Please don't beat yourself up over it. Good luck OP and here's some more flowers for you and your little one

[SinkGirl]

Some of the comments are not helpful. You can’t rationalise away trauma, or know that it could have been worse. You can be grateful your child is alive and simultaneously traumatised by what you’ve been through. If it were just a case of “pull your socks up”, birth trauma wouldn’t be a thing.

You cannot help how you feel. It’s all still very raw and you may naturally feel better in time, but if you don’t that’s not a failing on your part.

[whitewineimissyou]

Bananacloud midwives should be listening to women.
Midwifery assistants should not be making decisions about a woman’s progression in labour at all.
I’m not a midwife. But none of what the op reports sounds good to me.
It sounds dangerous and neglectful. The midwives assistant should really not be making decisions at all about a woman’s care they are simply not qualified to do so, and midwives should examine women who believe there labour is transitioning.

[SinkGirl]

Even now I don’t know what really happened but I think 7 months is maybe too late.

Tilly, it’s not too late. The Midwives at my local hospital do birth debriefs years after the fact - one woman went in recently 18 years later to talk to them. If you feel it would help you, do it.

[Spamfrittersforeveryone]

I feel like almost every birth story I know has elements of this somewhere in it. Midwives not listening, not believing, women being left on their own etc.... mine had all that and then emergency sections and major blood loss too. In some ways that bit was easier cos finally I was someone’s priority...

It’s terrible really isn’t it. We hardly expect better.

Sorry you’re feeling rough OP.

[notangelinajolie]

Also wanted to add that I don't know a single woman who hasn't got something say about their birth experience. And I'd bet the vast majority would say they found it very traumatic. Not wanting to minimise what happened to you - but giving birth is not easy and even the best laid plans for a smooth labour and birth often go wrong. I think first time round you are very much in the hands of the midwives because you haven't a clue what is going on or is about to go on. Second time round you will be better prepared and much stronger to cope with it all.

And I am sure your husband is lovely but why did he leave you for so long? I think he needs to do some explaining and major grovelling here - I would have bloody killed mine if he'd gone off for a walk and left me on my own when I was in such distress.

[HarmonyMiles]

@notangelinajolie you say you don't want to minimise what happened and then continue to go on and minimise what happened... none of what happened to me was ok.

@Bananacloud the problem was that the midwife didn't give me any advice at all. She was an assistant. Sorry but when a woman is so desperate that she does her own self examination and tells the staff she can feel the head and needs to push, but is met with a 'don't be silly' type attitude then something has gone wrong. I was made to walk between wards with a head in my birth canal and no pain relief then left in a bath on my own to push a baby out.

My partner going for a walk has nothing to do with anything. We were told we had 4/5 hours minimum and my contractions were not that strong when he went. I told him to go.

This thread is so saddening. I'm so sorry for everyone who's been through similar :(

[Olderbyaminute]

In August 2000 I was 30-weeks gestation and had severe right lower abdominal pain which was a gallstone-I had open abdominal surgery and was recovering-I then had an inflamed pancreas and gained 20# fluid and my lungs began to fail and I had an emergency c-sextion with seven doctors attending and was on life support for days. I went on to have a blood clot and MRSA in my gallbladder incision. I first laid eyes on my 3# son in NICU on a stretcher on my way to the surgical ward when he was three days old.I was in hospital for 12 days my son for six weeks. Rolling over in bed was agony and just getting up to walk in the room was a personal triumph. It took three months to care for myself without support.
I feel so bad for you. I don’t know what will help you other than time and space. I felt like I had PTSD at times but all the things my baby endured in NICU and after discharge helped me shift focus onto his survival (I am not exaggerating)
Life changed forever for my husband and I caring for a severely disabled child. Needless to say it feels like I never experienced all the joys of pregnancy and normal delivery experience. But a good sense of humor and joy at life’s little moments helped us. Take care.

[womenmatter]

Fuck off with the comments about her husband. Totally irrelevant and ignoring the issue. There always someone to come along and minimise aswell. Which only serves to make people feel worse.
Just because someone’s was “worse on paper” than the next doesn’t make it any less traumatic

[E20mom]

The same thing happened to me. I knew I was progressing so quickly and no one would check me. The same thing happened with being refused pain relief too. I feel a lot better about it one year on but I was so upset afterwards too.