to ask how I talk about my traumatic birth experience?

[HarmonyMiles]

I gave birth to my beautiful baby on Monday. It was a horrible experience that has really affected me psychologically. I'm struggling to get my head round it.

I want to talk about it on mn and get some opinions but as it's quite a specific birth story, not sure how to go about it. The chances of anyone recognising me are quite slim I guess. Would it matter if they did? Probably not,

I just really need to voice what happened and learn to let go of any resentment that I hold towards the hospital staff who well and truly screwed up.

I am a bit of a mess and don't know what to do. I want my birth experience back. I know I can't have it. I'm just all over the place and I know the birth is weighing on me :(

[GunpowderGelatine]

Ask your midwife if your Trust has a postnatal listening service. A designated midwife will talk you through how you feel and will discuss your baby's birth, and will take as long as you need. I can't recommend this enough

[emss55]

Hi HarmonyMiles I'm so sorry to hear of your traumatic birth experience it sounds like you laboured extremely quickly which is overwhelming both physically and mentally not to mention very frightening. We expect the usual build up of contractions becoming stronger and more frequent over a period of a few hours and when this process is escalated it is extremely difficult to cope with especially when nobody seems to be listening to you. You mention you have had a debrief with the hospital but didn't feel you gained much from it. Please please call the hospital and ask to talk through your notes again. It is usually always a senior midwife who will go through this with you and she should be able to give you explanations and reasons for actions taken by midwifery staff and also actions not taken. Have a list of the questions you wish answers to and let them know how it has left you feeling as this experience can have implications for future birth experiences. Again I am so sorry you have had this experience no woman should be ignored whilst being induced and in pain. Midwife actually means with woman and it saddens me to hear that you did not have that bond with your midwife as she is there to reassure and care for you and your baby. If the debrief clinic does not help then maybe counselling may offer you support though I really hope by having a further debrief you can get the answers you require to get past this experience. I hope you are enjoying the joys of motherhood and wish you all the best for any future pregnancies.

[GlitterRollerSkate]

I had a bit of a terrible time too OP. The midwife I had was horrible and wouldn't listen to me. It was only when the consultant came that they realised how serious it had become. Was in theatre immediately. The midwife even tried to argue that his examination was incorrect and hers right and that I wasn't as dilated as he said. My lo was born very poorly. I think because of her but never took it further. I wasn't up to it.

Sorry back to the point. Give yourself time. Everything is so confusing and you will have been in shock. I felt shell shocked for a bit afterwards. It's all very traumatic. You have a plan in your head and that didn't happen. I wanted a natural birth and ended up with Emergency C section. It hadn't entered my mind that's how it would go.

But do you know what? You slowly piece things together and it slowly fades away. I've just had number 2 and it was a good experience. Birth number one is a distant memory now.

Enjoy your little baby x x x

[womenmatter]

I feel you.
I’m still suffering nearly a year later.

No one believed things were moving as fast as they were for me (which to be honest wasn’t anything fast and out of the ordinary.. breathed through contractions quietly for a few hours first)
I think because I was so calm they thought I was moving slow? So they constantly tried to speed me up. Telling me to go walk and try the ball etc and I just wanted to sit and breathe. Then she got the essential oils out to “speed things up” which I didn’t want. They gave me a headache and left me feeling sick.
I got in the water and started pushing right away before I had time for pain relief. I became animalistic and couldn’t control the noise. My waters hadn’t gone and baby was born in the sack. Despite begging to have the sack burst they refused to even check.

I felt like I was dying. The pain was indescribable. To be in that pain and have people staring at you, all calm, when you genuinely feel like you are dying is terrifying.
I ended up with bladder issue and a fourth degree tear and haemorrhage. watching the bath turn red around me after thinking I was dying was awful.
Surgery was worse.
And I still have nightmares and issues.

I don’t know how to advise but the best I can say is don’t do nothing, like I have. Because it won’t go away. Seek help. Wish I could take my own advice.

[RedBlu]

I had a sort of similar experience in that the midwifes wouldn't listen to me and sent me home despite my contractions being very close together and I was in a lot of pain. I was told to go home and get some sleep  and that it could be 24 hours or more before anything "happened". I stupidly believe they knew what they were talking about.

We got home at 7pm, I gave birth in our bathroom at 3am. No pain relief, no midwifes. Just myself and my partner who delivered our baby.

An ambulance took over half an hour to arrive, so we were sat on the bathroom floor not having a clue what to do. Midwifes arrived about 20 minutes after the ambulance.

I complained to the hospital and I was fobbed off, they lied about the timings of my contractions to make it seem like I wasn't close to giving birth and basically said they couldn't have known it would happen as most first labours last a long time.

Due to the lies they wrote in their response letter, I refused to attend "birth reflections".

We are now 18 months down the line, both me and my partner suffered quite badly with PTSD and depression in the early days but things are better now.

We are lucky our daughters birth had no complications as had something gone wrong, we had no help.

Things will get better, the memories will fade but in all honesty, the anger will remain but it will just get easier to deal with.

[SinkGirl]

I totally understand. My whole experience was nothing like you’d hope - surprise emergency section weeks in advance, spinal that went horribly wrong, babies both taken away to nicu before I even got to look at them, separated until the next morning not knowing what had happened. I still cry now when I see photos of people holding their baby after birth. We had two months in nicu and I feel like those months were just lost. It affected me so much that I wasn’t able to bond with them for months and looking back now I did a terrible job as a mother for almost a year because I was such a wreck. Both of my boys have developmental delays / potential disabilities (one definitely, the other likely) and I feel responsible.

It is an absolutely dreadful way to feel and you are very far from alone. I am glad it didn’t happen here as I would be kicking off, but I’m sorry it happened at all.

Please do have a look at the Birth Trauma Association. There are treatments that can help with birth trauma (REWIND, EMDR etc). Your local CCG may offer something - ask your midwife. I would also put in a formal complaint when you feel strong enough. No midwife should be refusing you examinations if you think you feel the head, or refusing you gas and air. There’s no excuse for this. Most Head of Midwives would be very angered by this. You may be able to find the Head’s details on your local hospital’s website, or call the unit and ask to speak to the Head of Midwives.

[scaredofthecity]

I'm sorry. I had a similar (Although not quite as traumatic) experience with my first. It was incredible stressful not to be believed and totally ruined my birth experience. Like you they didn't believe my pain, and I honestly thought I was going to die, and I couldn't hold my baby for an hour as I was shaking so much from the stress.

Time is a great healer. I couldn't watch birth on tv for quite a while but eventually I came to terms with it all.

Fwiw my second was another induction that happened very fast once I got into labour (35 mins ). This time when I said it was coming they believed me and I managed to (Just!) Make it to deliveries! It was a very different experience, probably even more painful, but very chilled and incredibly empowering, and best of all stress free.

[Crunchymum]

If I recall correctly you said on another thread your baby had to be resuscitated?

It sounds terrifying

It's very hard to know if at 4 days post partum you are still very much in shock and still processing it all or if it is indeed something more.

By the sounds of it you had a very fast and un-managed labour and birth? Any birth injuries to yourself?

How is your baby now? Are you home?

I found my quicker labours the most shocking to be honest (last one was an induction and I was moved rooms as I was deemed not being in labour "proper". I of course delivered baby within half an hour of being moved and had to be wheeled naked and screaming to an actual delivery suite as the room they had moved me too wasn't suitable for delivery!!). Can't believe they left someone on baby number 3 in a room not suitable for delivery.

My second was the worst though. I wasn't examined, was told to stop swearing [fair enough!], wasn't believed when I said I needed to push. All but delivered the baby myself. Found it very, very bizarre and strange. Felt like an out of body experience.

Keep in mind the early days are rough but you can mention your feelings to a HV or MW or your GP at any time.

[Mumof1andacat]

Speak to you health visitor. Most have experience of this and a lot were midwives them selves. My local hospital runs something called birth after thoughts. You have an appointment with the midwife who runs the service and go through your notes together. Time will help. My son's birth was horrific but time has helped.

[Nat6999]

Talk to anyone who will listen, sometimes just putting what happened into words really helps. Get a birth after thoughts session booked so you can discuss what happened to you with someone qualified to help you make sense of it. I had an awful Labour & birth with my DS, I wanted to talk about it but everyone who I tried to speak to swept it under the carpet & told me I needed to forget about it & move on. I got really bad PND & blamed myself for everything that had happened, felt like my body had failed me to do the most natural thing a woman's body is supposed to do. It took until my DS was 6 years old to get someone to listen & help me to process what had happened to me, I was having counselling for the depression I had suffered from since my son was born, my counsellor listened to me sobbing while telling her what had happened when I was in labour & how I'd had to have an EMCS & nearly died from the pre eclampsia & HELLP syndrome afterwards, I told her things I hadn't told anyone, like the first night after my DS was born & my husband & mum had gone home leaving me on the high dependency ward, I asked for a drink as I was very thirsty, I was only allowed 10ml an hour to drink as they thought my kidneys were failing, no explanation why, I was terrified, I was on my own, nobody to reassure me that everything would be ok. I hadn't even told my DH that. She listened, she told me the one thing I needed to hear, that none of it was my fault & my body hadn't failed me. She told me that it was totally opposite to this, my body must have been strong or I would have died from everything that happened to me. That day was a turning point, I'd been frightened of everything, frightened to love my son because I thought I hadn't given him the best start in life, I stopped beating myself up over what happened & began putting it behind me, the nightmares & flashbacks started to fade & become less frequent, within 6 months I was off antidepressants & feeling better. There is so much pressure on women to have a "perfect birth" that anything other than that is showing weakness & the pressure to be a perfect mother, that the mothering instinct is bred in us, that minutes after having a new human being ripped out of our body there should be a tidal wave of love for that new human, it's all a myth.

[RoboticSealpup]

@HarmonyMiles

I'm so sorry you had to go through that! How horrible! My birth wasn't good (induction, no pain relief for ten hours, nobody believed that I couldn't move my legs after finally getting the epidural, treated like a drama queen for fainting with exhaustion because I hadn't slept for three nights of contractions, midwife so tired that she almost fainted when stitching, etc, etc.) but nothing as bad as yours. I hope it helps to hear that you are completely justified in feeling traumatised.

[Loopytiles]

I’m sorry you went through that. In your situation I would complain.

[Littlemissdaredevil]

What happens to you was unacceptable and it saddens me that you were not listened to

I had almost a very similar experience to you. I had an induction where strong regular contractions started almost immediately followed by a rapid labour. I was left in agony and told I wasn’t in labour and my pleas for any pain relief/examination/stopping the induction were ignored. I didn’t go to hospital to almost a free birth and to have people who could have helped me ignore me and make inappropriate remarks

I would advise you to join the birth trauma association on FB and contact your hospital to see if they have a birth trauma counsellor.

[QueenOfMyWorld]

Op that happened to me almost identical it was horrific,they ended up using ventouse aswell.Im so sorry you went through that

[QueenOfMyWorld]

Also ask for a meeting with the midwife manager that's what I did.

[dingdongdigeridoo]

I’m so sorry OP. Sadly, similar things happened with both of my births. First time round I got to 8cm with only paracetamol. Second time, I went from 4cm to holding my baby in 20 mins, with gas and air only for the last few mins. It seems to be a very common occurance and it’s fucking terrifying to not be in control and to be in that much pain. One of the midwives even smirked at me when I told her I felt something was wrong and said ‘well, you’re having a baby dear’.

Please try to speak to someone in real life about your feelings. Midwife or health visitor perhaps? You will start to feel better as you get further away from the horrible experience, but you need to be able to talk it through.

[Ohhgreat]

Find Birth Trauma Association on Facebook - so many supportive people there

[EvilEdna1]

The OP has already had a birth debrief - it won't help because what went wrong was the fault of her carers and the hospital won't be admitting that readily. Women who feel out of control during labour tend to feel very negatively about their birth experience and you seem to be saying you felt very out of control and scared, understandably. It can help to talk to a therapist who specialises in birth trauma.

[LadyLaSnack]

That sounds awful and really horrible OP. I hope you get some answers and an apology, though I can imagine it wouldn’t in any way make up for what you’ve been through.

Did you post the other day about crying all the time? If that was you you mentioned your disappointment with breastfeeding then too.

I’m not sure what you feel has gone wrong with it, but I just wanted to mention that 3 days after birth is still early for your milk to have come in. Even with relatively easy, trauma free births it can take five days.

[Unicornandbows]

Considering so many women (rl stories and mn) go through labour feeling unheard/ not believed/fobbed off.

Why has nothing been done about this? Why are a lot of midwives so dismissive to a persons pain threshold?

Is there anything that we can do?


Op I really hope that you recover from this and sending you lots of love and hugs x

[TeddyBee]

I felt very angry after a similar story (told I wasn’t in full labour and sent to antenatal with no pain relief only to give birth into my trousers five minutes later). I feel less angry because I have literally told everyone I ever met about it. Im probably known as the annoying woman who won’t stop going on about her labour, but it wasn’t ok. Nobody said sorry. Even the cleaner shouted at me for getting blood all over the floor. But I tell everyone that too and four years later I do find it more funny than anger inducing. So my advice would be tell everyone.

[MarshaBradyo]

That is awful

The woman in a small ward next to me was told not to push - because there wasn’t a room ready

The midwife would not assess her

It was so traumatic for her I felt such anger that she had to deal with that

You are very brave and completely right to feel as you do

[MarshaBradyo]

I feel upset for her just remembering it, so I can only imagine how you must feel

WTH is it with not assessing women in labour, who know they have to push

[whitewineimissyou]

WTH is it with not assessing women in labour, who know they have to push

THIS ^^

200000 years of modern humans on the planet. Existing because women push out babies.....
“What’s that dear, you need to push. No you don’t you’ve got hours”.....

We survived as a species because women push when we need too, you think sometimes we’d get the credit for knowing whether we have an urge or not.

[Hoosey]

What an amazing woman you are and what a horrific experience to go through. You have been horribly let down by the very people who should have been caring for you. Right now keep talking and try to focus on spending some quality time with your beautiful baby who you did something amazing for. When the time is right try writing this down in a letter and send it to PALS or the Head or Midwifery so that it can inform their practice and you can get the apology you deserve. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much from yourself- these early days are hard even without that awful start. It will get better. You will feel better. Sending an enormous hug and I’m here if you ever need an ear or a shoulder