AIBU to have taken DD (11) to get her legs waxed?

[toobusytothink]

They were very hairy and she has been begging me to let her shave for ages

Well, I can understand you doing it, but I have observed that in any other situations, the she would be told or you would be advised to be proud and to ignore and to stand up to them and their teasing!

Look different? Embrace your differences.
Too tall? Be proud of yourself!
Too short? Be proud and certainly don’t complain, because you have your health etc
Too fat? Embrace and be proud. Don’t even suggest losing weight because you’re being teased - they shouldn’t be teasing you.

In other situations, it would be counted as victim blaming/ shaming and be told never to bow down to pressure.

I wonder why this situation is different.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun: Mixed feelings here. I do think it's a shame that our society makes girls feel their bodies are somehow wrong as they are. Boys don't feel like this do they?

You seriously don't think any boys or men have body issues? Not about height, muscle size, appendage size, premature hair loss....

Laser hair removal doesn't work for everyone though @extrastrongnosugar and it's a very expensive endeavour - more so if it ends up being a total waste of money. I'm arguably a 'prime candidate' (pale skin, dark body hair) and it didn't work on me at all! (Could be down to the PCOS, but the OP would be unlikely to know if her daughter has that given that she is only 11 - so it would also be an unwise investment perhaps for this reason.)

Thx so much everyone. I feel a bit better now about taking her!

My teenage sons worry about excessive body hair, height and six pack issues.

Get her to try the epilator again on the regrowth. I epilate and it does hurt like hell. But if you keep on top of it it will be a lot less painful.

Yanbu. Lovely mum!
I was a teenager in the nineties and my mum wouldn’t let me do anything about my body hair. “You don’t need to”she’d say.... I did sneak her razor a few times but it was one with proper blades so did cut myself a few times in my rush to do it before she tried to burst in the bathroom( there was lock but she’d laugh at me for being prudish when I used it). Made me feel disgusting and so embarrassed, especially in PE.

DD (age 11) has quite hairy legs and it was clearly bothering her. About 6 months ago I used hair removal cream on her and she was so delighted. We've done it once more since (when it bothered her again) - I think knowing there was a solution made it ok, rather than having to have completely smooth legs all the time iyswim? She's quite clumsy so think she'd cut herself to ribbons shaving, and too scared of pain to wax but it made so much difference to how she felt.

Definitely the right thing to do.

The only thing I wonder is where does it end? I mean you hear in the media all the time now that girls feel immense pressure to look and behave a certain way due to porn standards that young people imbibe. So when she's starting to get intimate with boys, will you take her for a Hollywood because otherwise she'll get teased? Would you get her a boob job if she's flat chested because she's getting teased?

I know there are social norms, but those norms are shifting all the time and for the young especially standards for women to look nothing like their natural state are getting ever more extreme and eccentric. Women and girls actually do have leg hair. It's supposed to be there. It's not unfeminine, by definition it is not because there it is, growing out of every woman. If she, personally, wants it gone that's one thing; if she wants it gone so others won't mock her, is the lesson we want to teach her that she must adapt her body to assuage the mockery/arbitrary standards of others? That she is the one who should change, not them?

On the individual level yes, I get that people don't want to crucify their child for the sake of a principle. But in which case, what on earth is the use or application of the principle?

It's sad that society encourages such young girls to feel they have to alter their appearance, but equally if she feels that bad about her hairy legs then much better to help her than not. She'd only go off and find a scuzzy razor!
But waxing is expensive and takes a lot of time, getting appointments etc. Is it worth trying hair removal creams she can use at home now she's had the first wax so it's easier?

And I do think it's different for boys. There's no part of a boy which is just outright rejected and they're told "that shouldn't be there", even though it is a natural part of every boy. It's a total headfuck to tell a whole sex that "Your sex shouldn't have hair there" when manifestly every member of that sex does in fact have hair there! It's Orwellian control, a totally arbitrary demand for visible submission to an artificial false 'rule'. Not the same as having unrealistic expectations of standards of beauty for everyone generally (which boys and men are also subject to, it's true).

@ThereWillBeAdequateFood you're not exactly selling epilation!! How is it supposed to be quicker and less painful than waxing?!

I think it's fine: I was shaving my legs at 11 (though I'd wanted to do it earlier) but doing it secretly using a dry razor...inevitably I cut myself. When DD wanted to shave hers at about 11, I showed her how and got her her own razors but after a few months she had them waxed like a few others from her dance troupe.

I guess hair removal IS a feminist issue, but it's long-established, and if going along with shaving legs gives my girl confidence and makes her feel accepted, it's OK by me. Takes a few minutes, only moderately invasive and cheap: Quite unlike dieting, having early sex or a boob job IMO.

How is it supposed to be quicker and less painful than waxing?!

Yeah I’m not selling epilation well. IMO epilation is more painful than waxing but it is cheaper.
The thickness of the hair really affects the pain levels for me. So the first epilation of the forest of hair is really painful. In a weeks time there is a smattering of regrowth and that’s much less painful to epilate as there’s less of it.

You won't be able to get laser treatment until she's over 16 in the UK, I believe, and no, it doesn't work for everyone (didn't do much for me), but I have friends who've had wonderful results so I still think it's worth a try if you're dark and hairy because it can be quite a lot of work keeping on top of the situation.

I get what people are saying about why should she need to pander to societal expectations blah blah blah but honestly, I think very few 11 year olds have the confidence to stand up for a feminist agenda! There's so much else to get to grips with - boobs, periods, romantic relationships, academic pressure. It was a hideously difficult process and I know I just wanted to get through it without drawing any more attention to myself than necessary. For girls who are happy not to conform and can defend themselves against the cruelty of other children, that's great and I admire them enormously, but I think they're in the minority and I am happy for my daughter to develop her ideas in her own time without anyone trying to push any other agendas onto her.

I guess hair removal IS a feminist issue, but it's long-established, and if going along with shaving legs gives my girl confidence and makes her feel accepted, it's OK by me. Takes a few minutes, only moderately invasive and cheap: Quite unlike dieting, having early sex or a boob job IMO.

But how do you make that distinction to a 13 year old? How do you parse it to them that some unreasonable expectations should be assuaged for the sake of being accepted but some shouldn't? Where exactly do you draw the line? "Your self-esteem shouldn't depend on others, and you shouldn't change yourself to please other people - oh except that one thing" seems to me a difficult subtlety for a teenager to grasp...

Oh, and I've never found creams at all effective for me, I think it depends upon your hair, same as laser.

what on earth is the use or application of the principle?

I'm happy for my daughter to take on these adult principles when she's an adult. When she's at that awful stage where she's between childhood and adulthood I want to do what's necessary (within reason) to help her through it, because I remember no-one showed any understanding to me at that time and I think the effects have been long lasting. When she's ready to remove her hair I will help her find the best way for her, but I will also explain that it's her choice and she doesn't have to do it.

For girls who are happy not to conform and can defend themselves against the cruelty of other children, that's great and I admire them enormously, but I think they're in the minority and I am happy for my daughter to develop her ideas in her own time without anyone trying to push any other agendas onto her.

But the children teasing her for having body hair are already pushing an agenda on her! It's just the majority agenda, and one which puts the burden on her to conform to their expectations, doing something that will cost her time and money and possibly pain presumably for the rest of her life.

Girls with confidence and self worth so they can stand up to bullies don't just pop out of the womb that way, surely? They need those ideals to be nurtured by their families!

Not unreasonable at all. I was tormented horribly at school, I was called furry legs for years but my Mum wouldn't let me shave.

I just did it anyway at about 14 and then got teased because they'd gone but it wasn't long before everyone forgot it

perfectly reasonable. We used to sit on the stairs at school with scissors taken from the art room and cut ours lol..before we discovered our dads razors

I'm happy for my daughter to take on these adult principles when she's an adult

Would you feel the same about, for example, the principle of kindness or honesty? Or not stealing? Or bullying? If all her friends are picking on the fat kid and she'll be ostracised if she says/does anything to stop it, would you be ok with her joining in because adolescence is hard and you have to get through it as best you can?

I'm only posing the question because intellectually it bothers me. I don't think the OP did the wrong thing exactly, and I don't know what I'd do. But it does seem the one thing we're all happy to backseat for the sake of an easier life for our daughters is feminism, which seems paradoxical to me and possibly a reason why there's still so far to go.

I think it's absolutely fine.

I am hairy, I was teased all through high school. Moustache you a question.... What's your favourite ice cream? Mistachio... I've heard it all!
At 42 It's still something that I find a complete pain. If I could change anything about my body, I'd put up with my stretch marks, wobbly bits etc if I could just be body hair free. My legs constantly feel stubbly. I hate it. And my skin is sensitive so limited choice of removal.

I have 2 dd. One is 11 and has already started removing upper lip and leg hair. She was at least as hairy as me and tbh the upper lip was very noticeable. She deals with it her own way. She has zero pain threshold! We tried waxing and hair removal cream but she has found her own way and for the moment chooses to use a lady shave for legs and similar thing for upper lip. I know that eventually she will probably want to change how she deals with the facial hair because come the boyfriend stage she won't be wanting to feel stubbly! But we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Good for you op supporting your dd. My mum was raging when I shaved my legs for the first time

I’m on holiday this week with my DD and three of her friends. The twin girls (14) who are with us are extremely hairy all over. They shave their armpits and lower legs but, tbh, they really need to wax all over. Their body hair looks like pubes all over and it’s very unaesthetic.

Christ almighty. And there we have it. Would you say the same if they were hairy-back 14 year old lads???