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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Night time help

59 replies

Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 21:30

AIBU to stand firm in saying to my husband that he should absolutely help me out with our daughter who is 5months during the night a few days in the week?

His argument is that he is working 9-5 and has to wake up at 7am and he needs sleep and it's not fair on him that he has to wake up to help me then wake up for work.. he also argues that as I am breastfeeding there's not much he can do.

My argument back to this is that how so many other fathers who are directors and have senior jobs help their wives?? And regarding the breastfeeding that is not an excuse just because I breastfeed doesn't mean he cannot help with other things such as nappy change, rocking baby back to sleep, help massage baby's belly when she has a lot of air etc

Furthermore all I expect is for him to at least help with the night care on Fridays and Saturday as there is no work so no excuse??

Please let me know if i am being unreasonable..

Thanks!

OP posts:

Shazafied · 23/10/2018 21:33

My husband works long hours during the week, and we rely on his income, so he only helps during the night when :

A) its the weekend or he has a day off the next day

B) I’m unusually tired / ill and can’t manage without help.

Often I go to be really early , say 8pm and he keeps the baby monitor till about 10-11 then puts it in my room. I try to sleep as much as I can during the day.

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/10/2018 21:34

There is no excuse Fridays and Saturdays, but he does have a point about not being able to BF!

I might be inclined to let him sleep and then make him get up early, make sure there is an expressed bottle (if baby will take from a bottle) and have a nice lie in on a Saturday. Then maybe, let him have a little lie in on a Sunday, as I am sure he is disturbed, even if not actively dealing with wakings.

Shazafied · 23/10/2018 21:34

I should clarify - he sleeps in the spare room when he has work the next day .

Lazypuppy · 23/10/2018 21:34

No YABU for fridays and saturdays however why are you only discussing it after 5 months??

I've never asked my partner to do nightimes, it was easier for me to do it, and since baby hit 5/6 months she has been sleeping through so there are no night feeds anymore

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/10/2018 21:36

Would the baby take a bottle of expressed milk?

EssentialHummus · 23/10/2018 21:37

What is the baby's sleep like?

As PP said, I'd expect him to take on more baby-work on the weekends. But unless you have a particularly bad sleeper there's no need for two of you to be up to tend to a BFing baby. It'd be more useful for you to sleep and him to give a bottle of expressed milk if applicable, or to take the baby for a walk on Saturday morning so you can lie in, or to cook so you have a break, or whatever else...

SoyDora · 23/10/2018 21:38

DH has an extremely senior job and always helped out at night when I needed it. I was BF but if I was exhausted he’d do the resettling etc. Worked well for us.

Fireballfriends · 23/10/2018 21:40

OP YANBU - you're a team and if one of you is struggling the other needs to step up in some way. Certainly no excuse at the wknd.

SinkGirl · 23/10/2018 21:41

My DH helped through the night every night once our twins came home. He sort of had to - I was pumping, they woke up at different times and if he didn’t help I wouldn’t have slept at all. They barely slept at the same time in the day so it was impossible to rest then, and I needed to be able to function enough to look after two babies.

Absolutely he can help you, FFS. As if taking care of a baby means you don’t need any sleep!

Biancadelriosback · 23/10/2018 21:41

I EBF. DH would change DS's nappy, pass him to me for a feed, then he would sit with him upright for 20 mins (reflux) after burping him and then put him down. Usually he would do this for the late night feeds (8pm and 11pm) then he would be undisturbed until 5am before jumping back in. He did this every night. We are a team. It's not a competition. He is a sales director and works 9-7pm most days

CurlsandCurves · 23/10/2018 21:42

My DH didn’t help at night during the week because he worked 12 hour days and without trying to sound dramatic, basically if he fucks up, people could become ill or die.

But on the weekend we both took it in turns to get a lie in and he would take the kids off to the park during the day so I could grab a nap. And I’d do the same for him. So we both got a fairly decent sleep and a nap which made all the difference.

He also helped at the start of the night, especially with our non sleeping second. Is there any chance he could do the bedtime routine, then over to you for a feed before bed?

Racecardriver · 23/10/2018 21:44

So basically you are going to wake up anyway and unlike him you are not working (?) but you want him to wake up several times a night for the sake of it? Honestly I think that the sleep deprivation has gotten to you. There is absolutely nothing rational or reasonable about your demands.

Sleeplikeasloth · 23/10/2018 21:45

We split t been evenly here irrespective if work, but we're bottle feeding. We stopped doing night changes very early on (never pooed at night), and feeding is such an integral part of them being up in the night, it would be largely pointless for both of us to be up, if only one could feed. For back up on really rough nights, or where a lot of pacing is required, but I think part of bf is that you end up doing most of the nights yourself. If baby will take a bottle of expressed it formula, then there would be a lot more point in sharing IMO.

Shazafied · 23/10/2018 21:46

Are you able to nap during the day ? Is he ?

Blonde87 · 23/10/2018 21:48

You are at home and can chill out on the sofa and nap in the day. He can’t. Maybe he could help on a Friday or Saturday night but very selfish to expect him to get up in the night when he has work all day the next day 😳

anitagreen · 23/10/2018 21:50

No excuse at all my husband when he was at uni 7am getting home at 6pm used to get up in the night and do night feeds. He still gets up with them now if they are ill in the night etc.

bourbonbiccy · 23/10/2018 21:54

I personally never seen the point of me and DH being up through the night when I was breastfeeding, if both of you are organised before hand you can have drink ready, other think that I would see it as him just being up for the sake of it and a bit pointless.
Can you not have a nap through the day when baby sleeps, I completely think he should pull his weight, but the getting up,when your breastfeeding just seems ridiculous when your up anyway.

LeavesAFallin · 23/10/2018 21:54

Personally I wouldn't expect my husband to be up during night - he works, I'm on maternity leave. His job is demanding so I wouldn't ask him to get up even at weekend - plus I'm breastfeeding so very little point in us both being awake

However, we do have other children and if they wake during night, he sees to them. But that's not quite as taxing as a 6 month old!

Notso · 23/10/2018 21:55

DH rarely got up at night with any of our four. There was little point when I was breastfeeding and would be up anyway.
What he did do if I was knackered was take over in the evening mine always had a decent sleep between around 7 and 11 so I'd go to bed then and he would sort the kitchen out, get other DC to bed and bring the baby up with a cup of tea for me when they were ready for a feed.
That stretch of proper sleep without half listening for a cry was really helpful to me.

Feefeetrixabelle · 23/10/2018 22:06

He should be responsible on Friday and Saturday night if he has weekends off. But if baby only wakes needing a feed then there is no point in you both being up. Unless your ill or baby is ill obviously.

Celebelly · 23/10/2018 22:11

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable if you actually need his help; my DP has already said he wants to do what he can to help overnight (and he works 9-5 too). To be honest, though, I'll probably try to do what I can myself as I don't want him getting up unnecessarily if there's no actual need for it, but if I do need some help or am having a bad day/few days then I'm glad to know that he's there and willing and would do it without a word of complaint.

If you don't really need him to wake up to help then I'd probably just let him sleep as it seems pointless two people being awake just for the sake of it. I think Fri nights and Sat nights are a different case and he could maybe get up and take baby for a few hours so you can have a lie in or help how he can.

Oysterbabe · 23/10/2018 22:12

I don't see the point in both of you waking up. You need to wake up to feed and surely the other stuff doesn't take long. It seems like you just want him to wake up because you have to. I'm breastfeeding a 10 month old so I get that it's annoying but that isn't your husband's fault.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 23/10/2018 22:21

I have a bf 9 month old and my husband has never helped at night. He does look after the toddler instead.

I don't understand the point in your partner getting up when he can't feed the baby. Surely there can't be many nappy changes needed during the night at 5 months. If baby was very unsettled/ill then he should help, but not normal night feeds.

crispysausagerolls · 23/10/2018 22:25

Think it’s selfish to expect his help during the week when he is working. Friday and Saturday nights are a different matter.

Original poster

Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 22:39

Thanks for the helpful comments..

I think I left a crucial bit out that my daughter does NOT sleep through the night she wake up almost every 1-3 hours and is very unsettled also on top of this she is teething which is making sleep hard for her - so the night feeds are not smooth sailing as after I feed her she either goes straight back to sleep (which is great no need for help) but most times after I feed her she doesn't go back to sleep as she's unsettled due to teething and also she gets a lot of air hence why this can be a lot for me to handle on my own every night every 1-3 hours!

This is why help with nappy change and just getting her settled rocking her for example back to sleep helps me

As for the comment about me chilling on the sofa during the day is far from the case as she is teething and up and down during the day and I also have to juggle taking cafe of her aswell as doing the house work cooking etc

So that help during the weekend would help even if that's waking up once or twice!

OP posts:

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