Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Night time help

59 replies

Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 21:30

Hi

AIBU to stand firm in saying to my husband that he should absolutely help me out with our daughter who is 5months during the night a few days in the week?

His argument is that he is working 9-5 and has to wake up at 7am and he needs sleep and it's not fair on him that he has to wake up to help me then wake up for work.. he also argues that as I am breastfeeding there's not much he can do.

My argument back to this is that how so many other fathers who are directors and have senior jobs help their wives?? And regarding the breastfeeding that is not an excuse just because I breastfeed doesn't mean he cannot help with other things such as nappy change, rocking baby back to sleep, help massage baby's belly when she has a lot of air etc

Furthermore all I expect is for him to at least help with the night care on Fridays and Saturday as there is no work so no excuse??

Please let me know if i am being unreasonable..

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 22:39

It's not just breastfeeding that a baby needs!! There's more to it..

OP posts:
ifoundthebread · 23/10/2018 22:43

I found it to be more of a hassle my partner getting up to 'help' than it was just to power through and do it myself. When my daughter was younger we got into our own routine, I knew what she needed because I tended to her needs every day/night, knew how she liked to be held, had our own way of doing things. When I asked for/he offered help, he'd do it 'wrong' not the way I did and I'd end up doing it myself anyway. Once she got to around 1 year and it was easier for him to get up and give her breakfast etc he offered help alot more.

Lazypuppy · 23/10/2018 22:46

@Mimi2018

It's not just breastfeeding that a baby needs!! There's more to it..

There is?? I used to wake up when baby cried, breastfeed for 15mins or so, burp baby, then put her back to bed. All in all, took maybe 20mins. What else was i supposed to be doing?

Original poster
Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 22:50

As I just mentioned my LO is teething and unfortunately this disturbs her sleep coz of the pain as well as this she tends to get a lot of air in her even though I burp her which as a result makes her feel unsettled until she farts it out and in order to do that I usually cycle her legs and massage her belly which helps - so are you telling me that my husband can't help with this part?

The nights where she feeds and goes straight back to sleep then no problem I don't need my husbands help but the night where she is unsettled which is often I think that's reasonable?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 23/10/2018 22:50

That’s great if you have a baby that just goes back to sleep. My twins went through phases where they’d be up screaming for 2-3 hours plus in the night (one of them still does this and he’s two, but he has various medical issues).

Original poster
Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 22:52

Ifoundthebread - on the other hand I also agree with this point now that you mentioned it that sometimes it is just easier me just dealing with it.. I guess the nights when she's really unsettled it frustrates me that he still uses work as an excuse to help me out..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 22:53

Lazy puppy - I'm sure you can also appreciate that every baby is different and not all babies can go back to sleep in 20mins

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 23/10/2018 22:54

@Mimi2018 have you tried calpol/nurofen for the teething, that has always sorted my LO out, and helps her to fall asleep.

I don't think he should have to help during the week when he works. I've already said weekends he should.

Lazypuppy · 23/10/2018 22:55

@Mimi2018 yes i can but your partner has to work.

You can sleep during the day if you want. Cooking/washing etc can wait

Original poster
Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 22:57

Yes have tried calpol but the trouble I have with that is I can't give it everyday! Her teething happens in waves the best thing that helps her is distraction which obviously I can't always do at night time

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 23/10/2018 23:00

@Mimi2018 you can do it for 3 days with no worry, and that's only for full dats of doses.

Anyway, i'm gonna bow out now as you're coming across as a bit of a martyr. I've given my opinion, as have plenty of other people, but you don't seem to like it. Not sure why you posted in AIBU.

Original poster
Mimi2018 · 23/10/2018 23:09

Thanks for your opinion

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 23/10/2018 23:14

No even either your update your still being unreasonable imho. If you are exhausted from being up you can let some of the housework fall to the wayside and pick it up on the weekend when there is the two of you. You’ve already got up to breastfeed in the night and so what is the point of two do you being up? That’s just two people with disturbed sleep instead of one. Can you express your milk so he can bottle feed at night- if so you would be much more reasonable to say he does a night midweek plus weekends.

But the point of the maternity leave is that your child needs you for the majority of their care. It is basically your job right now to care for your baby. Not your house. Your partner can pick up any essential jobs in the evening after work or like I said you can catch up with cleaning on the weekend.

Sleeplikeasloth · 24/10/2018 13:47

If the baby is up for hours in the night, then I think taking turns is fair. It's funny how many women say it should be the woman because she's at home, but continue to do all night feeds etc when back at work. If women can work with disturbed sleep, so can men!

If though it's try to settle, breastfeed, try to settle, breastfeed some more etc, so you'd both have to be up, then I think you are being unreasonable. No need for you both to be up at the same time except for exceptionally bad night's.

Also, why are you doing so many nappy changes at night. Most people don't change it at all at night unless there's a night poo.

Laureline · 24/10/2018 14:23

Your husband “only” works 9-5, so it’s hardly long hours. He gets time to think, time to have lunch... YANBU if you are exhausted and need help. He’s working regular office hours - you are on duty 24 hours a day.

My cousin’s husband is very successful, he built a company that now employs over 300 people, they have 5 children - and he helped with the nights! I guarantee he was working more hours than your DH...

Also I just laugh when some of the previous posters cannot imagine that some babies can be harder than others. If you have a bad sleeper, exhaustion can be soul destroying.

PedunculatedPolp · 24/10/2018 14:57

Have you tried putting Dentinox on baby's gums before you feed them? Mine stop eating when they are teething and empty tummy =no sleep. Is your baby on solids as I reckon a big bowl of porridge would help the situation. Teething sucks so you have my sympathy.

LittleOwl153 · 24/10/2018 15:03

Try anbesol liquid - from the pharmacy - for the teeth. It's amazing. Teething small people are hard work.

TeddyIsaHe · 24/10/2018 15:23

It makes me laugh that a husband who clearly wanted a baby gets to do barely any parenting because he has to be at work for 8 hours. 8 hours ffs, parenting is 24 hours, when does op get a break? It won’t kill him to be tired one or two days of the week. Doesn’t sound like he’s in a profession where tiredness can cause a life or death situation.

I’d be expressing enough feeds for a night and leaving him to it tbh. What about when you go back to work? Will he expect you to do all the night feeds and still go to work?

Shazafied · 24/10/2018 15:28

Yes but the baby must nap during the day.... meaning the op can nap too. Housework the husband can do in the evening If necessary.

SoyDora · 24/10/2018 15:37

DD1 only slept in the day if I was pushing her in the pushchair or driving her around in the car, so very limited chance for me to nap.
I’m always glad when I read threads like this that DH wasn’t petty enough to whinge about whose ‘job’ it was to do particular things. If he could see I was exhausted and struggling, he stepped in and helped, even if he did have to work the next day. He has a very senior position in a bank and still managed to help out at nights when needed.

whatsthestory123 · 24/10/2018 15:42

why dont you express and maybe he can do a Friday and you dont have to get up at all

both getting up is ridiculous,you have all day to do housework etc and your dc is not a new born so you should have some routine to work around

TeddyIsaHe · 24/10/2018 15:44

Shazafied dd would only nap whilst being held close to me and I jogged around the room/in the pram/the car. No chance of napping at all. There’s every possibility op’s baby is the same, especially when teething.

Shazafied · 24/10/2018 15:58

The op hasn’t mentioned what the baby’s naps are like during the day.

CC4490 · 24/10/2018 16:22

While I was off work I didn't expect DH to get up in the night.
As soon as I was working again we shared the night times.

SoyDora · 24/10/2018 16:23

I didn’t expect DH to get up either. He did though, because he could see I was really struggling and cared about my wellbeing.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread