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Original poster

BIL threatening DB

58 replies

practicallyperfectinmyway · 23/10/2018 21:18

Picture the scene-

My mums 80th in her house - 10pm
All close family members, 8 adults, 5 kids
All chatting in living room in pairs, small groups, v social
BIL (v drunk by now) wanders in & out of the room, doesn't take a pew when offered, prefers to stand and hover with his drink in hand.
BIL comes in a 3rd time empty handed and holds DB in a headlock with his arm around his neck and fist to his cheek muttering close into DBS ear.
I jump up to separate the 2 of them, get BIL out of the room.
DH then has to stall BIL in hallway to stop him going back for more, DH is now blocking his passage back into room.
BIL is told to go to bed, disappear and off he goes.
DB shaken up, sats he feels threatened in his own house.
DB then goes out for a walk to get some air
Party draws to a premature close and off we all go.

So this now leaves a problem whereby DB doesn't want to see BIL ever again which is understandable. BIL has a drink problem and a total hatred of my DB - doesn't like his lifestyle, that he smokes (presumes he must do drugs), which he doesn't, that he's loud (he has a hearing problem).

I haven't yet brought what happened that night with DS. She's most likely embarrassed but thinks oh well, he was drunk etc. But I'm more annoyed of how he was so intimidating and threatening to DB - why he did what he did, I don't know. DB never wants to see BIL ever again. Nor do I either.

Any ideas as to how I now broach this with DS now that the dust has settled?

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 23/10/2018 21:20

I dont think you should broach this with your sister, her husband is an abusive arsehole. I'd be concerned for her well being and safety.

Original poster
practicallyperfectinmyway · 23/10/2018 21:26

I think she's blind-sighted sadly and doesnt realise how badly he behaved. My 16yo DD saw what he did and doesn't want to be in close company again.

My DM is visiting next weekend (cue family lunch on the Sunday, DB won't be there) and he will be there. I think he will try and breeze on through it.

Up until now, I just thought he was a social drunk, but he's shown a v nasty side sadly.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 23/10/2018 21:29

Why did your BIL have your DB in a headlock? I am assuming your DB is an adult?

Poloshot · 23/10/2018 21:32

Perhaps he did or said something.

Original poster
practicallyperfectinmyway · 23/10/2018 21:38

We don't know the reason why - I'm surmising that DB said something he didn't agree with. Even if he did disagree, surely a room full of old people and family members isn't the scene to settle your disagreement.

OP posts:
Original poster
practicallyperfectinmyway · 23/10/2018 21:39

Yes we are all adults, DB is 48, BIL in his 50s

OP posts:
HidingFromMyKids · 23/10/2018 21:55

BIL has a drink problem and a total hatred of my DB - doesn't like his lifestyle, that he smokes (presumes he must do drugs), which he doesn't, that he's loud (he has a hearing problem).

Your BIL who has a drink problem doesn't like your DB because of his life style Hmm

Smoking and being a bit loud through a hearing issue is not OK but being drunk and violent /aggressive at an 80th of all places is OK. Wow how can your sister think this is acceptable? Is she scared of how he'd react if she confronted him? Can you offer her support to leave him? Kids involved?

Rainbunny · 23/10/2018 22:06

This episode SHOULD NOT be swept under the carpet, can you imagine what might happen next time? I also don't buy the "blind drunk" argument for excusing his actions, he clearly hates your DB and under the influence of drink wants to act on it. Your DB was threatened physically (actually assaulted legally speaking) and he should not have to suffer this man in his own home ever again.

It sounds like there were several family members present for this why isn't there some general outrage about this? Is everyone scared of your BIL? If this happened in front of my family there would be a unanimous response to call the BIL to account for his behaviour.

Leeds2 · 23/10/2018 22:11

If I were you, I would not be attending the upcoming lunch. And I would tell your mother and sister why.

reforder · 23/10/2018 22:15

Yes of course all those factors come into it. Although I wholeheartedly believe if a working class child has a very good parent behind them they'll get there in most cases though. It's mostly down to parental expectation and support in my experience.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 23/10/2018 22:15

Will next week's visit take place at your house?
Could you take a stand and say you don't want BIL to be there after the way he behaved?

As others have said, this is too serious to be swept under the carpet - it is horrible behaviour and shouldn't be tolerated!

reforder · 23/10/2018 22:15

Wrong thread!

Thatstheendofmytether · 23/10/2018 22:17

Why on earth is you bil going to the family lunch and your db isn't, surely it should be the other way around?
Does this man get to do whatever he likes all the time and no one says anything?

TeaByTheSeaside · 23/10/2018 22:18

You should all avoid BIL from now on. He sounds proper nasty.

Jamiefraserskilt · 23/10/2018 22:27

The more avoidance you employ, the more this will continue.
Being it up face to face with ds.
Your husband got drunk again and assaulted our brother....in a room full of family including kids and grandparents. DH and I had to discreetly defuse the situation.
This is not acceptable under any circumstances. It frightened and disturbed those that witnessed it and because of that, we will not be hosting him at any family gettogethers until a)he apologises to those he upset and b)he learns to control his behaviour when drinking . You, on the other hand, are welcome but it is best of He finds somewhere else to be on this day.

Andro · 23/10/2018 22:29

My DM is visiting next weekend (cue family lunch on the Sunday, DB won't be there) and he will be there.

How are you going to manage your DD's (understandable and reasonable) disinclination to be around your BiL during this?

Raising this with your sister won't be easy, I think all you can do is make it clear that her H isn't welcome in your home and you are uncomfortable being around him.

MrsMoastyToasty · 23/10/2018 22:34

5 children witnessed this? Totally unacceptable.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/10/2018 22:53

I'm surprised that you are not putting up a united front about this, BiL needs to be told that his actions are not acceptable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/10/2018 22:54

Dont go next weekend. I know it will upset your mum but FFS someone has to stop this shit. Make it clear to her and your DSis that you will not be attending if he is there, and the same applies to all future events. Encourage your DB to take the same stance but get together and invite your mum to join you both.

MamaDoGood · 23/10/2018 22:55

Why are you pussyfooting around your BIL? It was unacceptable behaviour, especially around children!
Confront him and talk to your sister.
She may be suffering in silence.
Your BIL has no respect for your family, especially your poor mum.

awful.

PerspicaciaTick · 23/10/2018 22:55

I'm not 100% sure, but it sounds like your DB live at home with your DMum and DBIL is staying overnight at DMum's too ( as you told him to go to bed rather than to leave). Did your DB make it home OK from his walk? Is everyone, most especially your DMum, going to be OK tomorrow morning when they meet up?

Sarahjconnor · 23/10/2018 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 23/10/2018 22:57

I would tell dsis the her fuckwit aggressive husband is not welcome at lunch

Inertia · 23/10/2018 23:00

I think BIL needs to be uninvited from the family lunch if it's at your house.

If it's elsewhere, I wouldn't go.

You need to make it absolutely clear that threatening behaviour and assault won't be tolerated in your family- don't allow him to breeze on through it in your company.

Your sister may also be suffering at his hands and might need the offer of support, even if she's not ready to take it on board yet.

VillanellesBrownWig · 23/10/2018 23:04

Ban your BIL from your house. Stick up for your brother.

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