BIL threatening DB

[practicallyperfectinmyway]

Picture the scene-

My mums 80th in her house - 10pm
All close family members, 8 adults, 5 kids
All chatting in living room in pairs, small groups, v social
BIL (v drunk by now) wanders in & out of the room, doesn't take a pew when offered, prefers to stand and hover with his drink in hand.
BIL comes in a 3rd time empty handed and holds DB in a headlock with his arm around his neck and fist to his cheek muttering close into DBS ear.
I jump up to separate the 2 of them, get BIL out of the room.
DH then has to stall BIL in hallway to stop him going back for more, DH is now blocking his passage back into room.
BIL is told to go to bed, disappear and off he goes.
DB shaken up, sats he feels threatened in his own house.
DB then goes out for a walk to get some air
Party draws to a premature close and off we all go.

So this now leaves a problem whereby DB doesn't want to see BIL ever again which is understandable. BIL has a drink problem and a total hatred of my DB - doesn't like his lifestyle, that he smokes (presumes he must do drugs), which he doesn't, that he's loud (he has a hearing problem).

I haven't yet brought what happened that night with DS. She's most likely embarrassed but thinks oh well, he was drunk etc. But I'm more annoyed of how he was so intimidating and threatening to DB - why he did what he did, I don't know. DB never wants to see BIL ever again. Nor do I either.

Any ideas as to how I now broach this with DS now that the dust has settled?

Tbh I'd have called the police on him as it was assault & let them deal with it. The police may have the desired affect of shocking your db or may not. But it will send a clear message to him that you're not going to be intimidated by a drunken yob. Your sister is enabling her husband's drunken abuse by minimising it to 'well that's what he's like after a few'. No don't put up with the drunken arsehole, stand up for your brother.

You need to consider the safety of your sister. Can you speak to her alone before talking to him, not about his behaviour with db, but please ask her of she feels safe at home, and check twice. If you confront Bil you could be setting her up for an awful time. He absolutely should be confronted but after you've made sure that she will be ok, shes living with a violent man.

@Justilou and today's posters, thanks for the messages, lunch isn't for another 2 weeks. I'll be talking to my sister this week ahead of lunch to express my concerns, lack of his presence at all future events, and most importantly that she's ok given his newly presented thuggish behaviour.

Thanks all.

If you let it go -it will get worse. That much I'm sure of.

My ex in laws were abusive -apologise and then move on -each time it escalated.

I'd suggest you email Sister and BIL to tell them why you are going NC and go NC. Any event he is there -don't go.
Sh&t it -no way my kids are witness to abuse -you have a duty of care to them.

I wouldn't be attending the dinner if it was me.. I'd get your mum and other close relatives to do something separate so she can see the family and grandchildren. If your sister gets the hump then at least she knows you have an issue and you can address it. I wouldn't be anywhere near him, in case it all fires up again

Sorry! Misread your previous post! You have a couple of weeks to brace up to it and practice what you’re going to say to him. I hope he behaves, but it sounds like his behaviour has been escalating up to this stage. You have my empathy.

How did your chat with your sister go?

Blonde, sadly my aunt passed away last week so circumstances are such that I've not had a chance to talk to her yet. We've been preoccupied with funeral and supporting my mum just now. It's still brewing in my head and I'll be standing my ground. I just need to bide my time for now.