BIL threatening DB

[practicallyperfectinmyway]

Picture the scene-

My mums 80th in her house - 10pm
All close family members, 8 adults, 5 kids
All chatting in living room in pairs, small groups, v social
BIL (v drunk by now) wanders in & out of the room, doesn't take a pew when offered, prefers to stand and hover with his drink in hand.
BIL comes in a 3rd time empty handed and holds DB in a headlock with his arm around his neck and fist to his cheek muttering close into DBS ear.
I jump up to separate the 2 of them, get BIL out of the room.
DH then has to stall BIL in hallway to stop him going back for more, DH is now blocking his passage back into room.
BIL is told to go to bed, disappear and off he goes.
DB shaken up, sats he feels threatened in his own house.
DB then goes out for a walk to get some air
Party draws to a premature close and off we all go.

So this now leaves a problem whereby DB doesn't want to see BIL ever again which is understandable. BIL has a drink problem and a total hatred of my DB - doesn't like his lifestyle, that he smokes (presumes he must do drugs), which he doesn't, that he's loud (he has a hearing problem).

I haven't yet brought what happened that night with DS. She's most likely embarrassed but thinks oh well, he was drunk etc. But I'm more annoyed of how he was so intimidating and threatening to DB - why he did what he did, I don't know. DB never wants to see BIL ever again. Nor do I either.

Any ideas as to how I now broach this with DS now that the dust has settled?

I was stunned to read their ages. Honestly thought it would be 21ish.

Your BiL should be banned from your home for now really. This needs tackling.

Thanks for the feedback & replies - lunch is taking place in a restaurant and DB won't be there (he's genuinely unable to attend but wouldn't anyway due to what happened).

The fisticuffs incident happened as my mums place and BIL and Ds were staying overnight (we stayed in a hotel, not enough room for all of us). Kids were in the room but maybe were not aware of what BIL was up to. My DD was and was a bit "rabbit in the headlights"

I spoke to my dB the following morning and he basically said he never wants to see BIL again (even if he does apologise).

I'm going to talk to my Ds before the lunch to say what he did is not acceptable and that if he's in my company then he behaves. I'm not inviting to my house ever again nor any social things I arrange. I'm only going to the lunch as my elderly mum will enjoy seeing her grandchildren. She also didn't realise what BIL did as my cousin did a good job at distracting her with her chat at the party.

This will mean less family events especially around Christmas but I can't have him think alls well that ends well. Ds & BIL have no kids together - I did wonder if she might split up with him, I shall see how she reacts to the conversation.

If I were you, I would not be attending the upcoming lunch. And I would tell your mother and sister why

Most definitely this.

If mother and other family members want to knowingly support a violent thug, they could do it without me (or my immediate family). I would never speak to any family member again who supported BIL.

All I would add is that you attend with the proviso it’s only for your mothers sake you’ll leave WITH your children if he proceeds to drink. He’s a thug anyway but if the drink brings it out in him you can’t have your children round that.

It's wrong that your DB now can't go to family events because of BIL being there. BIL should be excluded until/if it can be sorted. To be brutally honest if one of my siblings where treated like that, all hell would be set upon the BIL. Not a chance would he be coming to see anyone in the family, nevermind going for lunch. He'd have been locked up for assault and made to sleep it off in the cells. I worry for your sister.

Just read your comments. I would be furious and I'm a little perplexed at how calm you're being about it. I couldn't sit at the same table with someone who had behaved like he has towards my own brother. If that were my family, avoidance wouldn't even be considered, extremely strong words and clear and explicit exclusion is what would happen as the aftermath. If my sister wasn't on the same page, she'd get excluded too (providing she isn't in an abusive relationship with him). I certainly wouldn't be tolerating any kind of civilties with him, and given how I'd react to him, he wouldn't want to be there either. Your poor brother, I bet he feels quite alienated by the whole thing.

You are seriously underreacting to this. You should never be exposing your children to this man again. Show your daughters that violence is unacceptable and shouldn’t be to,erased because, family.

I’m sorry but it is not on to take your children to a meal where this thug will be attending! Your dd was terrified and quite rightly has said that she does not want to be in his company! What on earth does that teach your children if you ignore their wishes and brush this under the carpet.

It is not your or anyone else’s job to hide or minimise your bil’s behaviour, doing this is pretending it didn’t happen! If anything, all of the family need to take a stand and make it very clear that bil’s behaviour is completely unacceptable and as a result he is no longer welcome in your company/ homes. I would also be saying that he is not to be around any of your children.

This man is clearly a thug with a drink problem! If you all attend that meal pretending that nothing happened, then you are making a huge statement saying that you condone his behaviour! It sounds like this thug has got you all too scared of him to actually stand up and defend your brother or any of his other victims! If my brother was threatened like that, as well as physically assaulted, then I would have phoned the police!

Could you give bil the option to apologise, and agree that he can't have any alcohol at family events? I would ambush him and ds at the family lunch. Let them know that there won't be any more family get togethers unless he agrees and sticks to it.

What have the rest of the family said about this? Why is he still invited for lunch?

Sounds like your BIL has some weird, sick kind of jealousy of your DB? Some sickos struggle with their partners having siblings of the opposite sex

i'd be more concerned about my sisters safety than anything and i sure and shit wouldn't be having lunch with him.

It’s just wrong that your DB feels he must excuse himself from his own family’s gatherings because a BiL is a drunken arsehole. Why should HE trump your DB in attending family dos? For that matter, if your DSis sticks up for him, she deserves to be excluded too.

I understand your mum is 80. It she needs to be told what happened. Family dynamics are going to change and she deserves to know the reason why her own son won’t attend parties, or why her son in law is being excluded. Not to do so may leave her feeling that she herself has done something wrong.

Don't make your sister responsible for her husbands behaviour. Someone needs to approach him directly.
If you approach her to communicate your concerns do it with open arms and ears, not in the way making her the one now responsible for policing his behavior.
As a PP suggested, I think a discussion at the lunch coming up, but be prepared for a bad reception and to have to leave after. maybe even warn your mum.

OP my brother is a violent alcoholic and for YEARS I tried to disentangle myself from him but family members always made sure we were at the same events (they'd lie or go over my head) in the end, I HAD to get away from him after he threatened me at Christmas at my Mums.

He's an utter arsehole and I told my family that this was it. I would not be in the same room as him again.

Sadly they still invite him. I've now emigrated. Not directly because of him but I felt that I was less important to them anyway.

My dad is a violent alcoholic. For the most part my mothers family tolerated him for her sake and so as not to allow him to isolate her from them.

But several times she had the chance to leave him and didn't.

There were also a couple of incidents at family occasions.

After the last one (a wedding over 20 years ago now) mum was told in no uncertain terms that basically "you may be mug enough to stay with him but we're no longer willing to put up with his loutish behaviour. You are welcome at all family events but he isn't"

There comes a point that has to be the case. That it's made clear such behaviour will no longer be tolerated.

Mum has chosen to manage it by telling him X event is "family only" where possible but sometimes she ended up missing out as he wouldn't have believed her (depended on type of event) and now he's bed bound anyway.

You or someone else from your family needs to speak to your sister (who's the eldest? Unfortunately that's who it usually falls to) say you're there for her while she's still with him and WHEN she leaves him, but HE is no longer welcome in/around your family while he is still drinking.

I know it's not a popular opinion on here but she DOES have a choice and clearly has a supportive family regarding leaving this twat! She is ultimately choosing to stay with him. But she doesn't get to decide that you all spend time with him.

Frankly given my experiences I'd have had the drunken fuck lifted and encouraged bro to give evidence re an assault. Might have been the wake up call your sister needs AND made clear to him your family won't tolerate such behaviour.

At the wedding I mentioned my 3 uncles basically manhandled my dick of a dad out of the venue, got one of my aunts to tell mum she could stay but he wasn't getting back in. The uncle who's child's wedding it was as you can probably appreciate was livid!

Mum and dad left. To hear them tell it dad was "tired" was why they left early - bollocks!

As I say, unpopular opinion on here but pussyfooting round these numpties helps nobody long term.

OP I'd also consider that once DB is NC with BIL who will the next target be for his drunken anger. This sort always needs a whipping boy.

I'm going to speak to both of them at the lunch (aside from my mum). I'll be telling him that he's no longer welcome in any social events that DB and me (and kids) are at. I'll direct my opinions at him but DS can witness what I'm saying.

DB is over it and his personality is such that he never wants to see BIL again. He doesn't take confrontation well and felt sad that the 80th ended as it did and he didn't get a chance to say farewell to everyone else (he had gone out for air by then).

I think BIL has taken it upon himself to manifest a hatred for DB. I get that some people just don't get on but angry that it's been brought out for all to see. As a PP said, I think he's a major problem with jealousy perhaps. Also, my DS is the eldest, in the middle, DB youngest. Perhaps he sees my DS as a potential liability / threat to DS. He's v disapproving of the fact that my DB doesn't work (he's looking after my mum just now), has had a hobo lifestyle, moving about the country doing different temporary jobs. He's never caused me a problem.

Thanks all for helping me firm up my thoughts, I'm going to make it known that I disapprove of his thuggish behaviour, drinking and dark opinions on DB.

I'll repost Sunday week after the lunch. I'm making a contingency plan as well in the event that there's a walk-out by him/DS/or me.

@Graphista - how are your family get-togethers now?

To add, my family is v small (just my mum, uncle, 2 siblings and me, OH and 2 DCs) and this incident has now created a fracture which we've never had before.

Family get togethers now my arse of a dad isn't there to spoil are much happier fun events.

Just wanted to wish you luck today. My family get togethers were always hellish due to my drug addict brother’s aggression. Unfortunately my mother thought the sun shone out of his backside and looked at him rather like a Labrador looks upon their master despite being repeatedly kicked. It was nauseating, really. I had to go NC with both when I had kids. I hope it goes ok.

Fuck that. I'd quite happily tell my DS that her vile DH isn't welcome at family events any more. If she doesn't want to come either that's her choice.

Why are you waiting until the lunch that might just create another unpleasant scene for all concerned. These things should be discussed beforehand. That just looks as if you are creating a drama of your own making which may well backfire on you.

I’d make it VERY clear that his behaviour was totally unacceptable. I’d suggest anger management. I’d also not let him around my children until he has done this. Can’t believe he thought that behaviour was ok, especially around children and elderly relatives