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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to let dd let her friend down

64 replies

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 22:15

Ok group of 4 girls all been friends since early primary now all in high school together. Recently dd has become less close with one of the girls due to drama queen behaviour. On a couple of ocassions she has hit dd in school and then cried when she got detention and tried, unsuccessfully, to get everyone to feel sorry for her and turn them against dd. Other times she will refuse to join in with things with the others but then make out that she’s been left out and become upset with one or all of them. Basically she’s pretty immature but most of the time doesn’t actually behave like this and dd says she’s very careful not to do things she shouldn’t in front of teachers so I don’t think there are any sn involved. If she ever does get told off (very rarely) she cries. Maybe it’s hormones who knows? But dd hasn’t been mixing with any of the group much recently in order to avoid this one girl despite the fact she likes the other 2 (one of which dd thinks is scared of her and the other is so laid back she’s horizontal so just goes with the flow). Dd wouldn’t ask either of them keep away from the one she doesn’t like though so she’s just been hanging around with other friends.
Now to the problem. Dd has been invited to do a birthday activity for laid back friends birthday and initially said she would go but after another incident with drama queen friend before the half term (she kicked her as a ‘joke’ and slammed a door on her head then, as usual, acted like the wronged party and turned on the waterworks) dd doesn’t want to go (it is only the 4 girls going). Dd would rather do something with laid back friend separately but laid back friend has said she really wants her there and it won’t be the same. My feeling is that if she does go there will likely be some silliness that will spoil the celebration. This may well happen even if she doesn’t go but at least dd won’t be involved.
So there’s the essay. Anyone got any idea of how to avoid drama and not spoil friends b’day?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 22/10/2018 22:18

How old are the girls? Will a parent be accompanying them that you could chat to and warn?

Lougle · 22/10/2018 22:28

It would be a real shame for laid back friend to miss out because of drama queen's behaviour. Could she agree to go, but you have a quiet word with laid back friend's Mum about dynamics prior to the party? I had a similar situation with DD2's 10th birthday and I decided to invite drama queen, and had to just be completely on top of all the behaviour and there was plenty at all times. It worked out absolutely fine because I intervened every time drama queen started up and reset the boundaries, politely making sure that she knew I was on to her tactics. That way, all the party girls had a nice time.

KC225 · 22/10/2018 22:28

How old are the girls? Will there be a parent or activity leader there? I understand your DD's reluctance but it seems a shame for her to bow out when only three girls have been invited. Could you have a word with party girl's parents? Tell her that your DD has been upset by the recent dramas, and is worried about it spilling over to the activity? Perhaps they can reassure your daughter they will be keeping a close eye on things.

Ellisandra · 22/10/2018 22:32

Time for laid back girl to realise that being laid back when you shouldn’t be, can lose you friends.

Yes, I was thinking what previous replies said about adult supervision.

But... your daughter has said no. She’s old enough to do that. She is no more letting down laid back girl, than laid back girl is letting her down by expecting her to suck up mean girl.

Well done your girl for developing her other friendships.

ProudThrilledHappy · 22/10/2018 22:37

This is going to sound harsh but laid back friend doesn’t sound like a friend if she is trying to force DD to spend time with someone who is obviously bullying her.

Your DD needs to get away from this girl. It may be hard and it may mean losing her other 2 friends but this is not a great friendship group for her.

I say this having had a similar experience at school. It was constant sniping, belittling and hurting me in the guise of playfulness. If I got upset I was called uptight and a wimp. When I finally distanced myself from the group and made other friends, the bully turned on another group member and they all realised that I wasn’t the problem all along, suddenly wanting to be friends again.

That’s my two-pence worth, although I know following this course may well be hard and for a short while very lonely for your DD Flowers

Angelf1sh · 22/10/2018 22:40

Your DD has said she doesn’t want to go and that should really be the end of it. This other girl has violently assaulted your DD and you’re worried about her letting somebody else down? You should be worried about this nasty piece of work ever being around your child again! Moreover, this “laidback” friend has allowed her friend to be violently assaulted and stayed friends with the perpetrator. She’s not your daughter’s friend and she’s do wellto leave the three of them to it.

minivampsmakebloodwork · 22/10/2018 22:41

Replace drama queen with abuser and re read your post.

Would you want your daughter to spend time with someone who physically and emotionally abuses her, because this is what drama queen girl is doing.

Replace the two young girls with (for arguments sake) two people in a relationship. People would be saying get the hell out as no one deserves to be treated like that.

And now your daughters abuser is manipulating the situation so your daughter will be the one in the wrong by declining an invitation and upsetting a mutual friend.

Personally I would allow my daughter to decline the invitation and even explain that she doesn't like DQ's behaviour towards her.

Laid back friend then needs to consider whether she wants to continue to enable an abuser or have a friendship with your dd.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 22:42

They are all 12 - birthday girl turning 13. Birthday girls mum will be dropping off and collecting but not supervising. I’m fairly certain that if dd does go I’ll be getting a text from her to pick her up as drama queen won’t be speaking to them/crying and the atmosphere will just be awful.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 22/10/2018 22:43

Laid back friend needs to stop being so laid back - it’s just a euphemism for ‘fence sitting’ and being cowardly.

Your daughter is taking herself away from an unpleasant girl who is bullying her. She’s 100% right. If she were my daughter I’d be telling her to be entirely honest with ALL of them.

‘Sorry LBF - X hasn’t been treating me well for a long time and you’re all aware of it. I’ve decided I don’t want to spend as much time with her so won’t be attending your birthday event. Have a lovely time and we can do something else another time. I understand you’re disappointed but that doesn’t mean I should put up with horrible bullying behaviour just to make you happy.’

shakeyourcaboose · 22/10/2018 22:46

Is it just your DD that mean girl is targeting? If she's not there is someone going to be the recipient of her 'jokes'?..Hmm

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 22:46

Dd certainly doesn’t feel bullied by the way. When I talk of hitting it’s not left an injury. Dd just finds her behaviour pretty odd and draining.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 22/10/2018 22:52

I would consider hitting an assault. I agree with the pp who said it was time to let laid back learn a life lesson. I also wonder if your daughter is the shield without which laid back would be on the receiving end of the drama. Your daughter has the right attitude and it sounds like she's made her point maturely.

NonaGrey · 22/10/2018 22:58

But it is bullying.

At 12 yo she’s far too old to be hitting and kicking other people.

It’s bullying with a side of manipulative behaviour. Why haven’t the school dealt with it by now.

“laid back friend” is standing by while this girl assaults and manipulates your DD. There are consequences to that choice.

Personally I’d be supporting your DD not to go.

I’d also be speaking to the school about the bullying - and it is bullying.

Skittlesandbeer · 22/10/2018 23:02

Looking ahead, it’d be pretty useful for the party to go ahead without your dd. If things kick off, it’ll show everyone your dd has no part in it. Focuses the attention on this bully, so maybe some parents & teachers can actually get involved here?

I’d support your dd’s request to not go, and plan something rather fun with the other two girls straight after. That’ll also cement the ‘who’s the problem’ for the other girls. And show them that leaving bully out isn’t impossible and that the sky won’t fall in. Bully might think twice about her behaviour if she starts getting left out.

Win Win Win.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 23:10

I did ask dd if she wanted me to have a word with her teacher but she’s been happy to deal with it herself. She has spoken to her teacher about the hitting incidents and they were dealt with.
There have been no issues since she has been mixing with different children as she isn’t in the same sets as her so I don’t think the school really need to be involved.
I agree that dd is old enough to make her own decision about the party. I was just wondering if there was any solution that would leave everyone happy but likely not!

OP posts:
BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 23:17

The other 2 girls are very nice and dd mixes with them outside of school. Laid back girl has stuck up for dd when she’s been hit which is when the crying usually starts Hmm I think they hang around with her through a bit of loyalty as they’ve been friends so long, a bit of fear and also because she’s the kind of girl that if she decides she’s hanging around with you avoiding is pretty difficult. So it’s for a quiet life I think.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 22/10/2018 23:23

If there’s no supervising then no, and tell laid backs mum that dd doesnt want to go as other girl has been physically bullying her.
I’m sorry for laid back girl too, 12 yr olds frequently don’t have the tools to deal with this kind of thing, she’s not being a coward she’s just being 12.

Ellisandra · 22/10/2018 23:23

Just an aside? You know sometimes people say “oh I’ll show my friend / husband this thread”?
I’m sniggering childishly at your username and how you probably can’t show your daughter Shock

teaandtoast · 22/10/2018 23:24

'Let her' let her friend down?! Are you serious?

I'd be supportive of my child's sensible decision to avoid a bully by not going to the party.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 22/10/2018 23:28

My DD also went up to secondary school with a long-established group. And as a group (although for different reasons) they struggled and the group eventually dispersed.

I think for the event you're describing (just the 4 of them) then it's likely to be fine. They'll digress to how they used to be before they went to secondary and enjoy spending time together like they used to.

I do understand why no one else would agree with this, though. So do what you think would work best for your DD.

MissEliza · 22/10/2018 23:30

12 year olds are well aware that this is completely unacceptable behaviour. If the other girls are willing to continue to hang around with this girl and expect your dd to spend time with her, they are not your dd's real friends and she needs to disengage. Your dd sounds like a balanced and mature girl. She doesn't need this hassle.

Feefeetrixabelle · 22/10/2018 23:34

Could you talk to laid back friends mum and ask them to have an emergency plan in case drama queen kicks off. Ie. One call from her daughter and drama queen gets taken home. That might reassure your daughter. I would also say if she hits your daughter out of school you ring the police. Sounds like she needs to know her behaviour is throughly unacceptable.

If your daughter really doesn’t want to go then don’t make her though. Laid back friend will just have to miss out and put up with drama queen on her own.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 23:42

The other girls get the occasional dig as well so she’s not just targeting dd. Dd is just less willing to tolerate it!

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 23/10/2018 06:19

In terms of leaving everyone happy OP that’s probably not possible.

The best thing is to be honest with the friend and perhaps suggest a cinema trip (or whatever) with just the two of them to celebrate another time.

WhoWants2Know · 23/10/2018 06:51

As an adult, I would probably take responsibility for any disappointment on the friend's part by saying she's not allowed to go.

"Sorry, my mom says I'm not allowed to hang out with someone who shuts my head in doors." 🙄

Not to undermine your daughter's very responsible choice, but to make it clear to the drama queen that adults are watching and know what's going on.