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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let dd let her friend down

64 replies

BumsexAtTheBingo · 22/10/2018 22:15

Ok group of 4 girls all been friends since early primary now all in high school together. Recently dd has become less close with one of the girls due to drama queen behaviour. On a couple of ocassions she has hit dd in school and then cried when she got detention and tried, unsuccessfully, to get everyone to feel sorry for her and turn them against dd. Other times she will refuse to join in with things with the others but then make out that she’s been left out and become upset with one or all of them. Basically she’s pretty immature but most of the time doesn’t actually behave like this and dd says she’s very careful not to do things she shouldn’t in front of teachers so I don’t think there are any sn involved. If she ever does get told off (very rarely) she cries. Maybe it’s hormones who knows? But dd hasn’t been mixing with any of the group much recently in order to avoid this one girl despite the fact she likes the other 2 (one of which dd thinks is scared of her and the other is so laid back she’s horizontal so just goes with the flow). Dd wouldn’t ask either of them keep away from the one she doesn’t like though so she’s just been hanging around with other friends.
Now to the problem. Dd has been invited to do a birthday activity for laid back friends birthday and initially said she would go but after another incident with drama queen friend before the half term (she kicked her as a ‘joke’ and slammed a door on her head then, as usual, acted like the wronged party and turned on the waterworks) dd doesn’t want to go (it is only the 4 girls going). Dd would rather do something with laid back friend separately but laid back friend has said she really wants her there and it won’t be the same. My feeling is that if she does go there will likely be some silliness that will spoil the celebration. This may well happen even if she doesn’t go but at least dd won’t be involved.
So there’s the essay. Anyone got any idea of how to avoid drama and not spoil friends b’day?

OP posts:
placebobebo · 23/10/2018 06:57

Laid back friend needs to understand the term if you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
She is experiencing the fall out of putting up with poor behaviour. If she won't distance herself from poorly behaved friend then she will miss out on things because of her. This is just one of those things.
As you say Little Miss Drama Llama won't be able to let laid back friend enjoy the event and hog the limelight because then it won't all be about her and she will cause a scene and try to ruin things.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/10/2018 07:02

At 12 I think your DD is old enough to make a decision. That said I would encourage her to avoid drama girl like the plague.

Ohheyyy · 23/10/2018 07:04

I agree with whowants , make the adult decision to not let your DD go due to the nasty girl's behaviour.

Laid back girl is enabling the bullying and needs to stop sitting back when another friend is being abused. Nasty girl is way too old to be kicking and punching and god knows what else, is there any way you could also speak to her mum about the bullying?

RhK88 · 23/10/2018 07:12

I'd speak to DD about not just avoiding the drama queen but speaking to her about her behaviour and why she doesn't want to be around her. Did seems quite mature and It may set the boundary enough for drama queen to feel the awkward one and not want to go if DD is rather than the other way around. I had similar issues at her age my best friend was a bully. Would say horribly mean things that effected my confidence and be as sweet as pie when anyone else was around. I really couldn't see it for what it was my mum could and it was a big factor in me moving schools even though I kicked up a huge fuss at the time I can see and understand now. I even wrote an English piece at school in later years called the Private Bully about it!

Snitzelvoncrumb · 23/10/2018 07:13

I'm in shock that a 12 year old girl could be so mature! I think your daughter should be honest, tell the birthday girl she doesn't want to spend time with the annoying girl. Hopefully the friend understands it not because she doesn't want to spend time with her.

ArabellaUmbrella · 23/10/2018 07:17

I personally think its time to step in as a parent and raise these issues with the school. The girl's behaviour is bullying. She's been getting away with it and will continue to do so unless someone is brave enough to speak out. If the girls won't, then you have to. I would not be allowing my DD to attend the party knowing that she could be physically assaulted.

Whereismumhiding2 · 23/10/2018 07:22

As nearly 100% PP said, support your DD to decline invitation. I think @Merryoldgoat's suggested text is rather good.
It is bullying btw.

And DD's Laid-backFriend (LBF) is ignoring DD's feelings & safety by inviting her abuser to same party & expecting DD to spend time with her, when she can already see DD has deliberately distanced herself from UFF at school.

Your suspicion that UnkindFormerFriend (UFF) will target DD is absolutely right. You might as well draw a big circular red target on DD 's dress before you send her, if she goes.

And PPs are also right that if DD is not there UFF will play up and likely target someone else, showing her true colours. There is no adult supervision at this party.

It'd be a big fat No to party with UFF there, from me and I'd be arranging a nice cinema trip or ice-cream/waffle house trip out for DD and LBF for a another time to celebrate her birthday separately. You might want to take DD somewhere special just you two instead on night of party, show how much you support her.

ContessaGoesAMarching · 23/10/2018 07:27

"Sorry, my mom says I'm not allowed to hang out with someone who shuts my head in doors." Not to undermine your daughter's very responsible choice, but to make it clear to the drama queen that adults are watching and know what's going on.

If your DD says this then I guarantee the other girl(s) will come back with "Well tell your mum its ok and that you didn't mind, and make sure you don't tell her what happens NEXT time". Your DD will then get shit from them for not covering up next time it happens. They will encourage her to do this because they're desperate for her to draw idiot girl's fire.

Dollymixture22 · 23/10/2018 07:32

I think your daughter sounds brill - mature and sensible.

If she doesn’t think she will enjoy the party envisage of this other girls behaviour I would trust her judgement. I would, however, explain thi to the birthday girls mum and if there was anything cancellation fee for your daughter offer to pay it,

In return I would offer to take birthday girl and dpd out for something else a few weeks later. Maintain the friendship bit avoid problem girl.

Hopefully problem girl will grow out of this - as you acknowledged hormones are raging at this age and things can become a bit intense.

Biancadelriosback · 23/10/2018 07:33

Have you spoken to drama queens mum about all this? Her behaviour is mad!
I would let DD make this decision

BigChocFrenzy · 23/10/2018 07:34

Yes, better to own the decision and text:
"I don't want to hang out with someone who shuts my head in doors."

BigChocFrenzy · 23/10/2018 07:37

Support your DD so she feels confident in future life not to put up with bullying relationships

It's important she knows it's best not to stay with abusers

Pinkyyy · 23/10/2018 07:40

Your DD sounds like she's got her head screwed on and knows how to handle most situations. I'd let her go and just make it clear that if she wants to leave at any time, you'll collect her. Possibly a conversation between DD and the girl who hits her needs to happen where they both agree not to have any discrepancies (more the other girl really) so as not to ruin her day

Lovemusic33 · 23/10/2018 07:45

Why would you not let your daughter make the choice not to go? By making her go you are teaching her that it’s ok to let people treat you this way, do you want your daughter growing up letting people walk all over her because she doesn’t want to upset anyone?

I wouldn’t want to go to a birthday of someone who feels it’s ok to hit me even if it meant letting people down.

AlphaBravo · 23/10/2018 07:53

Is silly girl 'silly' when DD isn't with the group. Sounds more like insecure jealousy behaviour than drama queen behaviour to me.

Cattus · 23/10/2018 08:03

Not that it’s anythng you could do anything about, but it’s possible that the drama queen girl might have difficulty reading social situations so feels victimisation when it’s not there or reads someone else’s reaction to her wrongly. She might need help with this.
I think, if I was you, I’d speak to school about the accumulation of incidents with this girl.
Re: the party, on balance I’d agree that your daughter doesn’t go, but I’d feel for the party girl who doesn’t get to have her friend there.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/10/2018 08:04

You're not letting her let her friend down, it's not a 5 year old deciding on a whim that he doesn't want to go on a play date because he's busy with his lego!

Dd is 12, heading for 13. She's declining an invitation for good reasons and I think you should respect her decision on that. You've spelled out here just how nasty the other attendee is yet what you're talking about is making dd feel guilty about not putting birthday friends want above her own very valid feelings and her need to not be physically attacked.

It seems to me that dd is attempting to put some boundaries in place and that should be encouraged. Hopefully in 15 years time she won't be one of those women who regularly post on MN about all the obligations they feel they have to other people. You know the ones - they just feel soooo guilty about saying no to neighbours request to cover the school run even though they're pregnant with twins and have a dc at a different school Hmm. Society trains women well enough to put their own needs last, please support dd in her decision.

slkk · 23/10/2018 08:07

My daughter had a similar issue when a year or so older. It also involved fake boyfriends and lots of attention seeking lying. Ultimately the 3 others confronted drama queen about her lies and behaviour. They said they wanted to be friends but DQ had to stop lying and creating drama as it was damaging their friendships. DQ huffed off and became a victim but this time the other 3 didn’t follow and try to make her feel better. They went their separate ways and have never been happier. I think your dd needs to address this issue with her party friend, explain why she won’t go and ultimately tackle this properly with DQ. It won’t get better, it’ll get worse with hormones.

EK36 · 23/10/2018 08:13

I would listen to your daughter. She doesn't want to go. Suggest birthday girl can sleep over the weekend after for pizza and movie night?

TeddybearBaby · 23/10/2018 08:17

How odd that laid back friend is being attacked on here for being laid back 🤔.

I would say something to the girls myself if my dd did go. ‘No arguing today girls. I’ll be really disappointed if laid back friends birthday is spoiled. Have a good time!’

Or she wouldn’t go and I’d actively arrange something else ‘I’ve booked for the two of you to do this’. She’ll get over the disappointment.

God I really sympathise with you 💐

RhiWrites · 23/10/2018 08:26

Laud back friend seems to have an equally laid back mum.

Can you call her and ask if she or LBF’s dad can please supervise the group due to the hitting and kicking?

That’s if your daughter would go to a supervised event. If she says no, then respect her decision. It’s an invitation not a summons. And it’s time for the group to see actions do have consequences.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/10/2018 08:28

I would say something to the girls myself if my dd did go. ‘No arguing today girls. I’ll be really disappointed if laid back friends birthday is spoiled. Have a good time!

Unfortunately Teddy they're not six, someone's mum being disappointed in them won't make them behave at this age.

Re "laid back friend" the thing is that term tends to paint a picture of someone easygoing, likeable, no drama. All sounds very nice until you actually look at her behaviour and then you're maybe starting to see somebody who sits on the fence, doesn't have much loyalty, would prefer to ignore a difficult situation than stick up for a friend. Not so great. Yes, of course, she's only 13 but I think we are all entitled to expect support from our friends and so far this girl (and the 4th) haven't stepped up.

diddl · 23/10/2018 08:33

"she kicked her as a ‘joke’ and slammed a door on her head "

Of course she shouldn't go & if party girl saw this she should be ashamed of herself for inviting the bully, not to mention trying to guilt your daughter into going.

Where's any consideration for your daughter or her feelings?

ZoeWashburne · 23/10/2018 08:40

I would encourage your DD to tell her friend why she isn't going. Be clear this isn't a "me or her" situation, but rather that she is just tired of being hit all the time by this girl. It hurts and it just isn't cool. Therefore she is removing herself from the situation because that is the only way it is making it stop. She would love to go to the cinema on X night (or whatever) to celebrate her birthday"

Are you close with this girl's mum? I would also just mention that DD is sad to be missing the party, but there are some issues surrounding repeated physical violence with one of the girls, and after a recent incident she just does not want to get herself in another situation where it happens again. She loves friend and wants to take her out separately.

MrsSpenserGregson · 23/10/2018 08:43

Your DD is not letting her friend down.

Laid-back friend is letting your DD down by continuing to associate with someone who repeatedly physically assaults your DD.

These girls are 12/13 years old, not 6. They absolutely know and understand the consequences of their actions and inactions. Laid-back friend is being lazy, selfish and uncaring by inviting the bully to her party. High time she learned that (in)actions have consequences.

No way would my DD be going to that party if she were in your DD's position.