AIBU to let dd let her friend down

[BumsexAtTheBingo]

Ok group of 4 girls all been friends since early primary now all in high school together. Recently dd has become less close with one of the girls due to drama queen behaviour. On a couple of ocassions she has hit dd in school and then cried when she got detention and tried, unsuccessfully, to get everyone to feel sorry for her and turn them against dd. Other times she will refuse to join in with things with the others but then make out that she’s been left out and become upset with one or all of them. Basically she’s pretty immature but most of the time doesn’t actually behave like this and dd says she’s very careful not to do things she shouldn’t in front of teachers so I don’t think there are any sn involved. If she ever does get told off (very rarely) she cries. Maybe it’s hormones who knows? But dd hasn’t been mixing with any of the group much recently in order to avoid this one girl despite the fact she likes the other 2 (one of which dd thinks is scared of her and the other is so laid back she’s horizontal so just goes with the flow). Dd wouldn’t ask either of them keep away from the one she doesn’t like though so she’s just been hanging around with other friends.
Now to the problem. Dd has been invited to do a birthday activity for laid back friends birthday and initially said she would go but after another incident with drama queen friend before the half term (she kicked her as a ‘joke’ and slammed a door on her head then, as usual, acted like the wronged party and turned on the waterworks) dd doesn’t want to go (it is only the 4 girls going). Dd would rather do something with laid back friend separately but laid back friend has said she really wants her there and it won’t be the same. My feeling is that if she does go there will likely be some silliness that will spoil the celebration. This may well happen even if she doesn’t go but at least dd won’t be involved.
So there’s the essay. Anyone got any idea of how to avoid drama and not spoil friends b’day?

Your daughter and friends are 12/13. They are perfectly capable of making their own decisions and your DD has told you what hers is. She sounds very sensible. If she doesn’t want to be put in that situation then I suggest that you/her send one of the several suggested messages. So what if LBF is disappointed?! That’s her decision- you say that they've all been on the receiving end at some point so it’s not like they can possibly think she’s making it up. They know exactly what DQ is like and clearly place a higher value on not upsetting DQ than they do on maintaining the friendship with your DD.

Also can we stop calling her LBF? She sounds more to me as if she just doesn’t care rather than being laid back. No good friend of mine would ask me to put myself in a position where I’d have to be so close to someone who had been so vile to me. That’s not what friends do.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe it would 100% make a difference if I said that to my 12 year old and friends but they’re boys / a year younger, does that make a difference? Plus I know their mums and they’re still really worried about getting in trouble with their parents 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The op said laid back friend defended her daughter and that’s when the drama starts

Follow dds lead.
She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders about all of this.
Its impossible to second guess the outcome but your dd is doinng no favours to drama q or laidback by going along with such negative behaviour.
Good for her.

If my son got to make all his own decisions he’d lay in bed all day playing fortnite / looking on YouTube. He’d eat junk all day and stink. They still need guidance at this age. I’d speak to your dd op, go through all the scenarios / options. I said before that I don’t envy you, it’s a hard situation. Good luck!!

Everyone seems to have missed that LBF has been sticking up for DD... so maybe not quite so laid back! It's a difficult situation, I'm tending to like the idea that you take LBF and DD out a different time and have a chat with LBF mum to explain the situation. Your DD sounds mature enough to explain to her friend and they can plan what they'd like to do for their trip out with you.
For PPs saying "tell the school", as a teacher with pastoral responsibility for this age group, please do make school aware so they can keep an eye out but don't expect miracles! It sounds like they have acted over the hitting but if as you say she's careful never to do it in front of teachers or others outside the group it's nigh on impossible for school to intervene. It's really really hard when sneaky clever kids are being mean to others and we know it but without evidence there's literally nothing we can do. We also can't get involved in any incidents outside of school, that's on the parents. If we try to come down on the perpetrators, 9 times out of 10 their parents get involved and kick up a fuss and say that the other kids set them up and it's their child being bullied. Drives us mad too, but our hands are tied.

Your daughter doesn't want to go, and who could blame her ! The End.

DD has had a similar situation with an old friend - not the physical stuff but more emotional bullying, manipulation, telling lies about DD, telling her who she should be friends with etc. and also lots of drama and tears if DD ever stood up to her.
It got to a point where every day DD was coming home from school upset and crying. I thought to myself, fast forward 10 years, if this was a boyfriend doing this what would I be telling her? To leave him, as it’s abuse! I didn’t want her growing up thinking this sort of relationship is OK. We had a talk and turned out she wanted to distance herself from the friend but felt guilty about it and was worried she’d get in trouble for it! I reassured her that it was OK, friends don’t treat you like this, and that it’s not her responsibility to make the other girl happy. Looking back I think she needed my ‘permission’ to make the break from the girl. I also reassured her that if school contacted me I would back her up (the girl also often portrayed herself as the victim). DD did speak to the friend and tell her how she felt. Then she distanced herself, has made other friends now and is much happier.
She occasionally sees the old friend but only when she wants to, on her own terms. I am really proud of DD.
As women too often we try to be peacemakers, we worry so much about keeping everybody happy, at the expense of our own happiness.

"As women too often we try to be peacemakers, we worry so much about keeping everybody happy, at the expense of our own happiness."

Yes!!!!

So much this!

Your daughter doesn't want to go.

Tell her that that is absolutely fine-no ifs or buts.

That's her decision-support her in it!

I think maybe my title wasn’t the best asking if I should ‘let’ her not go. I’m obviously not going to make her.
Ideally I think she would like to go - just not with this other girl. It’s an activity she enjoys and she gets on well with the other 2. I suppose I was just seeing if there was a way she could go and avoid problems with this other girl but I don’t think that will be possible.
And it is quite an expensive activity as well paid for upfront. I’ll offer to pay for dd but I’m pretty sure the mum will refuse.

As women too often we try to be peacemakers, we worry so much about keeping everybody happy, at the expense of our own happiness

Not everything is a feminist issue. I'm just as likely to tell my ds that he doesn't accept an invitation then not show up and I'm just as likely to tell him not to let his friends down.

And I do get what people are saying about the other 2 friends being bystanders to an extent but tbh apart from the party issue dd is happy with how things are now at school. She sees the other 2 in most of her classes and out of school and in school she has a few groups she hangs around with as well. If the other 2 did decide to take dds side and avoid the drama llama I could only imagine the hysterics about dd having stolen them or them all excluding her. I think dd is quite pleased that she’s managed to slink away quietly!

Is the parent of the birthday girl aware of this? I would suggest having a chat and asking her to attend and keep an eye on things while pretending to read her book. They are still quite young and the bully may well simply be immature and insecure.

In short they need adult supervision to keep things safe. That’s what I would be pushing for so all the girls can attend, have fun and learn to behave like civilised people. If that doesn’t help then again you as parents need to find a way of getting the bully help/ consequences via the school.

It's a shame that almost teenagers need adult supervision because one can't resist being violent

Laid back friend despite having stood up for Ops DD in the past, but in this situation she is now the one putting on the pressure for her to be in a position where she does not feel comfortable.