Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.

When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...

What the fuck do I do?

I'm sorry you have to make this choice at all.

I have no idea how clean natural hair can really be deemed unprofessional. U less there are offensive words shaved onto it I think people care far to much about hair styles and not enough about what they really should worry about (talking about work places/other establishments here )

I'm so sorry you are treated so negatively just because you won't spend hours or put up with the risks/pain of braids etc Its your hair and your choice.

"I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this."

I wouldn't dream of telling you that you're imaging this. I absolutely believe you and think you have summed it up in a nutshell.

I don't know what the answer is. Am worried now, in case there isn't one. It is very hard to be brave, to be one of the few, when that bravery affects your life, your career, the way you are perceived and the way you are treated.

And you are smote (smite, smitted ) by a double edged sword, in that women the world over are expected to conform to unnatural society standards of what is pretty, professional, fitting, and so on. A man of any cultural background can give himself a number 2 and be accepted as a lord or a lout, professional or casual, styled or natural, anything! Not so a woman.

So, one way or another, not a very helpful post of mine, sorry , except is that you in the photographs on your post at 14:01:10? You are beautiful! I would love to see your hair in a more natural style, but in fact you could shave it off or wear a swim-cap all the time, cause nothing is going to detract from that stunning face!

Have you seen Chris Rock's documentary 'Good Hair'?

I think natural hair always looks lovely and I am sorry that you are discriminated because of it. I KNOW it is not the same but I feel that I am discriminated at work because I have alopecia and my hair tends to look awful. I would just love to have hair that nobody commented on!

Your post is the post of someone making changes, a revolutionary. You're doing a good thing setting an example to your daughters. The world needs to catch up with you.

Besides, I'd have thought the juxtaposition of smart clothes/natural hair would be creating a frisson of interest, hence why people stare/comment. It's the kinda thing they'd go for on the catwalk, I think?

I have curly hair. I had a boss in the past who asked me if I couldn't 'do something with my hair'. Everyone else in the office had sleek shiny straight hair. I don't work there any more. Some people are just horrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit in your life.

It’s outrageous in 2018 you have to give this head space.

I think it’ll affect you on the way up in your career but then when you are suitably senior you can do what you want.

If it were me I’d suck up the expense/hassle/ utter ridiculousness of the situation until I was in a position where I could call the shots a bit more.

Not cool but that’s what I’d do.

Feel for you OP, life’s just not fair.

It's terrible that natural afro hair is considered 'unprofessional

I agree, I had read another article stating the same and think it'd ridiculous some people think this.

I've never seen my SIL's hair natural, It's her choice how she wants it but it's sad that people think you need to conform to some kind of straightened version

I grew up in the 60s and 70s when black women in this country had to have natural Afro hair as wigs/straightening products/weaves weren’t available. I loves the natural look

Like so many fashion trends the current vogue for weaves etc will probably pass soon. Young women growing up now will see their mums and grans doing it and see it as old fashioned. You should take this opportunity to be ahead of the zeitgeist

where on earth do you work to be told its unprofessional?

I think you should stay with what YOU want. I wonder if some of it might be you project differently if you are uncertain how you will be received - a confidence in your true self sort of thing - not that you should but I know I do a bit about my weight for e.g. - I feel unconfident of my reception (cos being overweight is also looked at as unprofessional) therefore that is how I come across and how people react to me.

Whatever there is alot of psychology going on but if more people went natural maybe the overall culture would change. It seems to have over dyed hair in un-natural colours and tattoos for e.g.

I say this as a black woman.
Afro hair is difficult. time consuming and costly to maintain.

I have tried it but I had to go back to relaxing my hair.
It is painful to comb (Fact) unless you buy and apply different products to apply on it EVERYDAY.
I'm sorry, but I don't have 30 minutes every morning to make my hair look like Lupita pictured above.

It looks rough and unkempt if not tended to in this manner.
I would rather relax it every six weeks, comb and style it every morning (5 minute job). I don't have to use wigs, weaves or make corn rows.

If this makes me a sell out to my race, so be it.

Any well cared for hair regardless of race or hair type OP looks lovely. Have a look at Shenillia26 on Instagram - her natural afro is stunning! There is loads of hair inspiration on Instagram in general especially for Afro type hair right now.

My best mate and NDN has her hair in different styles all the time, braids, weaves possibly wigs. She always looks beautiful but by far her best look is when it is her own hair cut quite short.
Not saying you should have your hair cut short, but anything natural tends to look better than over styled.
The first picture is by far the best!

As loads of others have said your natural hair is lovely (without seeing a picture of yours I can say that!) in my opinion it's not even something you should even have to think about never mind dealing with fucking arse holes, racists ramifications of natural hair but ultimately my opinion isn't helpful as I'm not black and can't begin to understand what it is to face what you do everyday and the balance of making life "easier" personally or being strong and standing your ground to show your children that they should be proud because they are obviously perfectly lovely exactly as they are!

I desperately want to tell you to have your hair how you want because fuck everyone else your hair is nothing to do with your professionalism but I understand that is naive and missing the point.

I just can't morally tell you to choose one of the other options (if you don't want) even though that would make your working life easier because for fucks sake this is 2018, it shouldn't still be like this

I am just reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s ‘Americanah’, which talks about this very issue. I find it outrageous that black women have to put their hair through this just to be respected professionally and socially. As a white woman I would never dream of telling you what to do with your hair, but you sound like a great role-model for your daughter. I wish more women would just leave their hair au naturel, as I suppose the more common it is, the more it will be accepted. The attitudes you describe are based on racism and they need to be challenged.

Well cared for afro hair looks perfectly professional!

OP, you shouldn't be having to consider your hairstyle as a factor in your career.

I think it is a disgrace that you are impaired professionally by your choice of hairstyle, that is what is wrong.

Aridane not troll hunting - whatever that is. There are lots of forums for natural hair where all the posters have natural hair. There are lots of dedicated YouTube channels that show various hirstyles including sleek pony / flat look. Even Shan on the xfactor showed a nice sleek look on natural hair.

"OP, you shouldn't be having to consider your hairstyle as a factor in your career."

I would say that women do have to consider points of appearance (other than clean and smart) as a factor in their careers, to a degree that men do not.

I would be really interested if someone (anywhere, not necessarily on mumsnet) could tell me why that could ever be considered to be okay.

It is up to you OP, no one can make that decision for you, of course.

As a white female hiring manager who has seen and heard all sorts of crap on my way up (I fired a woman for racist behaviour this year who was highly surprised to be fired, because she had previously got away with an incident similar to the Ryanair one in the news whilst on company business and during her probationary period!!!), I can only wish to be part of the solution by giving the job to the right person whoever that happens to be, and would be more than happy to give a role to a man or woman sporting their natural Afro hair. I can only do that if they are applying in those conditions.

I'm white so I want to stay in my lane, but

Heart says: natural
Head says: Yeah but I'll have a better chance of career progression if I make my hair "acceptable"

It's a sad state of affairs in the 21st century. But as usual black women are at the absolute bottom of the pile.

My BFF is black. I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with the shit she gets.

KnitWit101 my (white ethnicity) hair is tightly curled and at the least sign of moisture it’s frizz city. Think Monica in Friends when they visit Aruba. It’s shoulder length but I always pull it tightly back at work. Lots of smoothing products. I only wear it completely loose if I’m going out.

Thinking of the effort I have to go to even to not look unkempt, I totally get RandomUsers. It’s all very well saying Lupita looks incredible but a. She’s stunning b. Even with her genetic advantages she had a whole load of stylists making her hair look “natural.”

I think natural Afro hair looks great and in no way unprofessional. But I know what you’re up against. I’m white but naturally curly and I refuse to straighten my hair. I would never get ahead in a job with a dress code but I know I’m privileged not to have racism on top to deal with.

If you have the energy to stay natural and say FU to anyone who judges them I would be right behind you.

Wear it how you want. Time consuming hair is not just the bane of Afro women. My hair is thick, has unruly waves/curls and is frizzy. If I want all day straight hair I too have to have it chemically straightened. At the moment it’s in a pony tail but I have a halo of fuzz. Other than a pixie crop, all short hairstyles are time consuming too, as I have a double crown and the hair at the nape of my neck grows with a diagonal slant. God knows what I would do if my hair had to look professional and polished all day, every day.

I’d do what you personally like best/find easiest to manage.