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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's parents are too kind

86 replies

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 12:48

My partners parents have just retired, paid off their mortgage and got their first two grandchildren (one being our 8mo DS) they are fairly well off and we are fairly poor, but have always got by and been happy.

DP's parents inherited a fair bit of money - guessing about 70k - about 6 months ago and they are set to inherit more shortly (way more than that) and they've always been generous towards us but recently they've gone overboard and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

They paid off all DP's debts and gave him 1k spending money. Then they bought us a new car (second hand) then offered to pay our car insurance for the year. We accepted because we're broke and wouldn't have a vehicle otherwise - offered to pay them back monthly but they would not hear of it. Recently learnt that they've actually paid the insurance for 2 years, tax and AA recovery too. They are constantly buying clothes and things for DS and even bought a brand new car seat for the car. When we showed them what we wanted to get DS for Christmas (a rocking horse) they immediately declared that they would buy it! I had to fight hard for them not to go out and get it that instant.

Now they want to buy us a house... not even joking. DP's mum wants to buy it and rent it out to us at a minimal cost... This would help us so much but AIBU to think its too much support for two grown adults with a child to accept? It makes me feel bad, like we can't look after ourselves or our DS.

OP posts:

TheOud · 22/10/2018 14:08

I also agree if you have a healthy, loving relationship with your PILs, accept their offer.

If I could I would do just the same for my DC. I know how bloody tough it is to be in a position to buy a house and how expensive everything is now and with less job security. One of the great pleasures of parenthood is doing your best to help your children have a better life then you especially as it now seems a lot harder to achieve the same goals as we had, these days. It probably makes them very happy to be able to help fund the really hard to fund things. Enjoy.

Juells · 22/10/2018 14:08

There is no way we would be approved for a mortgage - low earners not to mention bad debt history, ccj's etc.

I wondered why PiL were considering buying a house and renting it to you, rather than giving it to their son, but that explains that decision.

But... having said that, the reason middle class people are usually more comfortably off is because they inherit or get given a leg-up. I don't see anything wrong with parents helping their children.

BMOT · 22/10/2018 14:09

I'd love to be in a position to do this for my boys when they are older and hope that they would receive it with the love that it would be given.
At the moment (Ithink) you are renting anyway so what's the difference in renting from them? Especially if it allows you to get some savings together.
If it was me I would thank them for their amazing offer and then maybe broach the subject of you taking over the mortgage when you are in a position to do so.
And for all the doom and gloom "what if he cheats on you and you split up brigade". Shame on you!! I'd hate to be in a marriage where you look upon financial choices with a view to what happens when you split up. Kind of puts a mockery on the whole concept of marriage

Beamur · 22/10/2018 14:11

DH's parents are a bit like this, they've given us cars, recently helped out with a big household bill we were struggling with - no strings.
I'd do the same for my kids when they're older too.

3timeslucky · 22/10/2018 14:16

Is it possible that they feel it is more useful (to you) to help you out now than to keep the money and have you inherit it when they die? (I know I would). Maybe it is more tax efficient too (I know nothing about UK inheritance laws so that may not be the case).

holycityzoo · 22/10/2018 14:19

Think about how you would feel if it was your baby when he was older and you were the parent?
If you could afford to and he wasn't flush would you not do it?
I know I would do if to help my kids and grandchildren if I could.

TatianaLarina · 22/10/2018 14:34

They should be investing it for their old age - care fees etc.

MrsJBaptiste · 22/10/2018 14:46

I would be thinking they prefer to spend it on making their family happy rather than drop down dead tomorrow and the Tax Man gets half of it

Totally! My parents and grandparents are doing this (although in much smaller amounts than the OP's in laws) for the same reason. Why not give your money away whilst your alive to appreciate the enjoyment it gives others?

There are no strings attached when monetary gifts are given in my family!

DevonshireCreamTea · 22/10/2018 14:57

OP it's fine relax and enjoy it. Normal people help their children out financially lol!

anniehm · 22/10/2018 14:57

Look, as much as it hurts your pride I would let them. Some years the only "proper" gifts my kids got were from my parents, I was so grateful for that, they also lent us £1500 to buy a car but refused to allow us to repay.

Fast forward 15 years and money isn't a problem for us so we are repaying them, not in cash but by treating them to things they wouldn't splash out on.

As long as they are no issues with other siblings then just count your lucky stars - they will still own the property too, so it's just a lower rent being charged. Best regards

Belina · 22/10/2018 14:58

you are so ungrateful its a joke.

Rebecca36 · 22/10/2018 14:59

I think it's wonderful, especially as you say they are kind which means they give unconditionally. Enjoy! When you are very much older you will be able to do similar for your children. I'm happy for you. Quite comfortably off now but was hard up for many years and would have loved parents who gave so much.

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 15:07

They've got their own house if they need care home fees, Tatiana. They can do what they like with their money.

florentina1 · 22/10/2018 15:08

We are in the same very fortunate position as your in-laws. We do not need the money and have had great pleasure over the years in helping our adult children. We have always given the money in cash and have never had any expectations of how they should spend it.

This is very different to giving a gift with reservations, which is what is proposed with buying a house for you to rent from them. If they should suddenly need private health care or care home needs you might find you have to give up the home that you have enjoyed. Care home fees are between £1000 and £2500 per week. They will soon get through their savings very quickly if care needs arise.

The difficulty is how to refuse. I think it would be more sensible for them to lend you the money for the house purchase and then you pay them back over the years . The equivalent of what they would have charged in rent. I cannot see anyway though that you could have that conversation with them.

For such a substantial gift they really should take legal advice. We had a second charge on my sons first home because we paid for half of it.

Butterymuffin · 22/10/2018 15:13

Also, get them to pay into savings for your DC's university costs etc.

Original poster

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 15:17

Thank you all for all these responses!

I think people have hit the nail on the head when they've said they think they'd rather we have it now when we need it, then wait til later and get it through inheritance etc. Both sets of my DP's grandparents recently passed away and all the finances / wills were left in such a mess.

I think I will just go with it and try to show my gratitude as much as possible through cooking them endless crumbles and pies and mac and cheese

OP posts:

Original poster

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 15:20

@Butterymuffin Forgot to say they also opened an ISA for DS and put £100 a month in. He will be allowed access to it on his 18th birthday.

OP posts:

jeanne16 · 22/10/2018 15:24

We are giving both my DCs some money towards deposits on property. Of course we don’t expect anything in return. It is just what families do if they are able to.

H0tAutumnn · 22/10/2018 15:25

The family have inherited some money (amount unknown) they could spend it all on themselves, they could save it all for themselves, they could give some to charity, they could buy a holiday home for the wider family to use, they could buy a round the world cruise. However, they have decided to be generous and help you out. If you move into their rental property, I agree get a proper contract signed, with rent amount and what you are allowed to do inside like decoration, pets, notice period etc. I also agree that it is good to spend money on family while you are alive, rather than the money going to the tax man. You may need to make peace with yourself about the guilty feelings. Perhaps, you can make them something in return or do something with them, like a family day out. I think lots of people aspire to help their family if they are able. However, watch out for any strings attached.

peanutbutterandbanana · 22/10/2018 15:29

How to avoid IHT.
DP's parents buy a house and immediately 'give' it to DP.
DP takes out a life insurance policy on his parents' lives which pays out the value of IHT over the next seven years. Get independent financial advice to explain how to do this all legally.
After seven years the house belongs to DP and if his parents are still alive there will be no IHT upon their death.
DP and you can make a 'donation' to your parents-in-law throughout their lifetime instead of rent payments. They would pay tax on it as they would if they received rent.

Ilikeknitting · 22/10/2018 15:32

Your parents/in laws sound lovely. Can you afford to say “no, we don’t need your help” and if you do, what actual benefit would you get! Let them help you now if it makes them happy, or tell them to do one and carry on struggling, renting and driving a jalope. (You really need to give them the car back if you seriously don’t want their help)
Sorry op, but your ‘problem‘ sounds like a stealth boast.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 15:44

Another point on IHT: A leaves money to B (incurring IHT) and B leaves to C (again incurring IHT). If B is confident he won't need A's money and will eventually leave it intact to C, it is possible for B instead to do a "deed of variation" so that the money goes straight to C instead, thus only 1 batch of IHT to pay not 2.

Pupsiecola · 22/10/2018 16:18

As someone who never had any kind of financial support from parents (ditto DH) we have said we definitely want to help our DSs (teenagers at the mo) as much as possible. Not at the expense of our own retirement, and not at the expense of their work ethics, but it's really important to us to help our children as much as we can. One is very academic but one struggles. It would give us so much pleasure and peace of mind to help set them up for life. This also includes practical support for (hopefully!) grandchildren too.

Jent13c · 22/10/2018 16:29

While they could be getting market rent that does come with risks. Say they are investing 150k in the house. If they left that in the bank it would grow very little but in theory the house could gain in value while also being usable as a house and they know their close family are in a safe, mould free house. Your (albeit small) contribution to the rent should pay any management costs for the property so essentially it's a pretty good investment for them and they know you so the risk of you trashing their asset is fairly low.

As it has been said this is their property and may not automatically transfer to you. It would be fairly prudent to ensure that their intentions are set out clearly in their will (so for example a certain amount of time before putting the house on the market to split the costs). It is great that you are so humble about all this, no one could portray you as money grabbing but I would ensure your BIL is happy with the plan just in case.

It would be a great opportunity to save the excess rent, get your debts paid off and begin to save for your own property.it sounds like a good plan to me!

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 16:38

OP, because the assumptions on this thread are driving me mad, could you clarify whose name this hypothetical house would be in?

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