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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's parents are too kind

86 replies

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 12:48

My partners parents have just retired, paid off their mortgage and got their first two grandchildren (one being our 8mo DS) they are fairly well off and we are fairly poor, but have always got by and been happy.

DP's parents inherited a fair bit of money - guessing about 70k - about 6 months ago and they are set to inherit more shortly (way more than that) and they've always been generous towards us but recently they've gone overboard and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

They paid off all DP's debts and gave him 1k spending money. Then they bought us a new car (second hand) then offered to pay our car insurance for the year. We accepted because we're broke and wouldn't have a vehicle otherwise - offered to pay them back monthly but they would not hear of it. Recently learnt that they've actually paid the insurance for 2 years, tax and AA recovery too. They are constantly buying clothes and things for DS and even bought a brand new car seat for the car. When we showed them what we wanted to get DS for Christmas (a rocking horse) they immediately declared that they would buy it! I had to fight hard for them not to go out and get it that instant.

Now they want to buy us a house... not even joking. DP's mum wants to buy it and rent it out to us at a minimal cost... This would help us so much but AIBU to think its too much support for two grown adults with a child to accept? It makes me feel bad, like we can't look after ourselves or our DS.

OP posts:

Angharad07 · 22/10/2018 13:33

Well, what background do they come from? Did they ever struggle financially in their younger days? Some people like to give, especially is they know hardship themselves.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2018 13:35

They are trying to make sure that there son and grandson are in a secure position - perfectly normal and perfectly fine

You need to swallow your pride here a little OP I think

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 22/10/2018 13:35

Pretty much everyone I know who is well off have had considerable financial help from their family.

TurtleCove · 22/10/2018 13:36

What lovely in-laws you have OP.
I can understand the independence bit, but it'll come as such a help to you if you accept.

FleetwithPike · 22/10/2018 13:36

Accept their generosity. Rich folk set their kids up for life all the time, no reason a normal couple can't take care of their own.

possumgoddess · 22/10/2018 13:37

My mum gave me half the value of a house when she downsized after my father died. I know she also helped out my siblings. By that stage I was already in my 50s and would have no chance of getting a mortgage without that huge deposit. I accepted it gratefully as I knew she could afford it. We talked about what would happen to it when I eventually popped my clogs, and agreed with my husband that we would make our wills so that he had a lifetime interest in it but after that the value would go to my children alone, as he also had children.

Ngaio2 · 22/10/2018 13:37

I think this sort of assistance is what most parents dream of being able to give to their adult children and that it has been ever thus.
Most of us have to die before we can pass on sufficent funds for a house
If your. PIL aren’t normally controlling then there’s no problem. Accept with gratitude. Have a clear understanding about upkeep and maintenance of the house. A rental agreement would be helpful in case you ever need an accommodation benefit.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/10/2018 13:38

I would be thinking they prefer to spend it on making their family happy rather than drop down dead tomorrow and the Tax Man gets half of it.

DanglyBangly · 22/10/2018 13:39

Well, I'm going against the grain here and say I wouldn't agree to that. It's fine while everyone is on good terms but if anyone falls out down the line (including you as a couple) it could get very messy. You'd essentially be entering into a business arrangement with family, which a lot of people would be wary of.

It's nice they want to help you but there's other ways they can do that that aren't as fundmental as your living arrangements.

ineedabagformyhippo · 22/10/2018 13:44

They sound very generous and if you have a good relationship with them then take the help and be grateful and enjoy.

But I agree with a pp, they are definitely not buying you a house, they are making an investment for all their children's futures and their own. So as long as you plan on the deal coming to an end future (ie sold to fund care, or to be split between siblings when they die) and prepare to buy your own place or go back to renting then go for it.

Rarfy · 22/10/2018 13:46

Enjoy it. If you were in the position to do it for your child when they are older i'm sure you would love to.

Getting in the housing market is so hard these days. If this is your only chance i say grab it with both hands. We have just bought a shared ownership with the help of dfil. It feels so soo good! Our living standards have improved hugely and we pay and extra £10 a month. It's amazing.

ineedabagformyhippo · 22/10/2018 13:47

Also - if they wanted to help you with no strings attached they would offer you cash, the fact they want the house in their names suggests that they think they may sell it later (maybe to then help your DH's siblings?). As long as you go into the arrangement that you are tenants and it is not your house that's okay, but personally I don't like feeling beholden to anyone.

Sarahjconnor · 22/10/2018 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedabagformyhippo · 22/10/2018 13:51

Ooo yes I like that idea!

wonderandwander · 22/10/2018 13:54

Doesn’t seem ott to me at all

All items listed before you mentioned buying the property are £100s of pounds.

The house purchase they aren’t buying for you, are they? They are buying and renting out.

Kind but not jaw drilling. Exactly what I’d do for mine if I inherited

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 13:56

Once again, we don't know whose name will be on the deeds. The person I know who did this bought the house in the child's name. It was done that way to avoid stamp duty, IHT, liability for care home fees and income tax on the "rent".

Lookingforadvice123 · 22/10/2018 13:56

Agree with PP, if it's no strings attached and you have a good relationship otherwise, then I would gratefully accept. I would love to be able to do this for my kids one day, life becomes harder and more expensive for each generation, our parents/PILs were able to buy houses for peanuts in their time. Whereas we are all needed tens of thousands of pounds for deposits, huge nursery costs, both parents working full time. It's very different, and I imagine it'll be very different again for our children (which is why I'm desperate to save so I can help them as much as possible, like my parents have helped me)!

Dairymilkmuncher · 22/10/2018 13:57

They sound lovely!

If they are fine in every way, not expecting you to do xyz then go for it and say thank you.

Imagine if you were well off and your DS was a dad and broke, you would want to do everything you to help? I know I would.

HollowTalk · 22/10/2018 13:58

There is no such thing as a free lunch if someone gives you a gift you are in their debt no matter how much they insist that is unconditional, they may never call in the favour but you know that they could anytime if they wanted to

This just isn't always true. I've given my children a lot of money and it's absolutely unconditional.

Dvg · 22/10/2018 13:59

i would do this for my son in a second if i was in a position too, i would get him anything he needs but cant get himself, no strings attached just out of love for him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/10/2018 14:01

I am also fiercely independent and would struggle with this ... but that's more about me than them.

I do agree you'd be left vulnerable if anything happened to DH so agree with the pp who said to treat this as a rent break, something to give you the chance to really save for the future.

BarbarianMum · 22/10/2018 14:02

If you rent from them please, please do it "officially" with a proper contract in both your names, or you will be leaving yourself very vulnerable. Also think about how it would work with them having keys to your home - are you ok with them "popping by"? Or letting themselves in if you're out? How would repairs work? Would you pay for them or would they? Would you be allowed to redecorate? If the kitchen/bathroom/carpet needs replacing who would pay for this? What happens if you pay then they decide to sell?

What you are being offered could be lovely, or it could be a nightmare. In your position I'd prefer a big deposit that you could use to get a house of your own.

wonderandwander · 22/10/2018 14:03

For whatever reason, you have baggage with regard to this issue.

I assure you - when it comes to my children there isn’t and nor there ever will be in any scenario whatsoever any notion that when I give them something it is conditional and a debt.

And the same with regard to how it was with my parents.

MatildaTheCat · 22/10/2018 14:05

I would prefer to help my dc at a time of life when they need it. You can still have boundaries in terms of access to the house.

I would be considering whether there might be scope for them to help you, dh or both of you to improve your earning prospects and allow you to gradually become more independent? That would be a way of helping you in a less overwhelming way.

motheroftinydragons · 22/10/2018 14:06

My inlaws are like this. It's taken me/is still taking me a long time to accept it and trust that there aren't strings attached. In my family, or part of it anyway, there would be and I have always been firmly of the view that family and money don't mix.

However DHs parents are always trying to help out financially. If they find out our car has cost us loads for example, they offer to pay for it (we don't let them).

They can afford it they're quite well off. They've paid for things like our (expensive) travel system for the children and to have some lovely but non essential work done on our house (at a cost of thousands) for example. They also spoil our children (although they do ask before they buy anything bigger than things like books or puzzles and I usually say no, or to put things up for Xmas/birthdays.

Whenever they give us something they give the same to DHs sister and vice versa. As yet, they've never asked us for anything. In fact it's a pain trying to get them to accept any of us doing something nice like taking them for a meal to say thank you.

We're a close family and we see them once or twice a week but we're not obligated to or anything. They're just nice, they love us, they couldn't be more grateful to me for growing them two lovely granddaughters and they want to see us enjoy their money (which they mostly inherited themselves) while they are still here and young enough to appreciate it (they are only in their sixties).

OP if you think it's a 'no strings attached' offer then I'd seriously consider it. However if it comes with conditions, there is no way I'd accept that sort of help.

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