AIBU to be a little annoyed with my friends?

[NightOwl10]

I'd arranged to go out with my friends a couple of days ago for my birthday. It was a pretty low key thing, I've just gotten over a bad cold so we were just going to do the Halloween escape room, and I was really excited because I had to move up to Scotland to be closer to DPs family instead of in London where my whole life used to be so I this would be the first time I've seen them or been back to London in almost 6 months.

Anyway, the two friends I was going out with turned up to the escape room drunk even though I'd begged them not to drink since we wouldn't be allowed it. And of course, we weren't allowed in. So they said since they'd been pre-drinking already they wanted to do a bar crawl and then go to a night club. I agreed to it and I tried to be optimistic, but we'd spoken about not having a drinking night out and they'd all said they felt too old for that now anyway.
So, at the bar, every drink I bought for myself they took away and drank for themselves because they said I was a lightweight at uni and they didn't want to have to look after me, even though 1) that was 2 years ago now and 2) I was always the one looking after them. I told them I really didn't want a drinking night out still but i'd also come all that way (10hr drive) and I wanted to catch up with my friends. They kept saying I was boring and that they wanted a night out so they were having one, but they kept taking my drinks so I remained sober the entire night. One of them tried to buy MD so I told them no, it's not safe, not legal and since they insisted and it was 3am at that point and I had to drive to the other side of london to see my parents later that day I decided to go back to the hotel alone. I know it's immature of me to be upset they didn't even acknowledge my birthday, but I just feel like it's been months and I arranged to drive all the way down, left dd in Edinburgh, and I was so excited to do a fun activity and we could have gone out for a little bit after, but we didn't even get to do the escape room because they turned up in an absolute state.

Oh Lordie.

You’re scared of their reactions, their feelings, them dropping you or gossiping about you? You are still contemplating putting yourself among these idiots on a holiday, but concerned you’ll ruin it by being sad?

Your self-esteem is really low, isn’t it. Far far too low.

Find a different holiday for you & your dc. Enjoy every second. Stand by your decision, however wobbly you get. Don’t engage with them. Stop second-guessing your actions, and start believing that these friends don’t care much about you. Find a good therapist and just show them this thread as a starting point.

Begin your new life as a carefree, confident woman who attracts equally lovely people to her. People-pleasing is getting you exactly nowhere. You’re miserable, and your ‘friends’ aren’t pleased either. Try another approach. Good luck to you.

Dear god, don’t go on holiday with them. They‘ll be tearing up the town and leaving you with the kids. It‘ll be another miserable event chipping away at your confidence. Edinburgh is a fab city, so much to see and do, you‘ll make some better new friends there.

This holiday sounds like a bad idea, I'd sack it off.

You deserve to be treated better than this.

How low is your self-esteem that you even need to discuss whether you were being unreasonable with a bunch of strangers on MN? Surely you can see their behaviour was appalling without needing us to validate it? Most people, if this happened to them, would call them out on it and tell them to fuck off and have fuck all to do with them again without wasting any angst as to whether they were reasonable to be annoyed.

These people are NOT your friends. Not one bit.

Do not go on holiday with them. Do not have any further involvement with them. Find actual decent proper friends.

Please tell them how you feel, they need to know how much they upset you. Their reaction will tell you if you should continue the friendship or not.

Honestly, I had a girl group of friends at uni very much like them. I ditched them when I turned about 25 and have not even thought about them since. I now have a lovely group of girlfriends that I made in my 30's and they are lifelong friends.

People change and move on, I really like the PP comment about friendships being seasons. If they don't contribute anything to your life, don't waste your effort.

Nice friends. Lose them, they don't like you or value your time and company. Find something better.

They are not your friends don’t go on holiday with them it’ll be miserable. I know it feels hard giving them up if you’ve known them for a long time but you have nothing in common and they don’t care about you.
Having no friends is better than having friends who bully and belittle you.

Sure, message them.

"Train down to London: £X
Escape room I wasn't allowed into: £Y
Buying drinks for everyone else: £Z
Figuring out this friendship is over: priceless"

The holiday sounds like a bad idea, is the friend with the son one of the ones who got drunk before the event and nicked all your drinks? If so, I have visions of you looking after both children whilst they drink.
You sound as if your self esteem is low and you're letting people walk all over you because you're afraid of losing them. I'd seriously back away from this group, they sound thoughtless as best. Maybe some sort of counselling could help you to build your self esteem and form better friendships where you live now? Good luck!!

“Dear xxxx, I have been reading your group chat, and reflecting in what happened in my birthday and I would like to have an honest conversation before we proceed with the holiday. It is your choice to focus your socialising in drinking, but for me I was looking forward to Escape Room, and once that fell through, I didn’t enjoy having my drinks taken off me, or since then being mocked as a lightweight. I’m glad you enjoyed your night out, but it wasn’t what I was looking forwards to when I drove 10 hours down.I have such great memories of you all, but we don’t seem to make the same choices now, and it feels pretty horrible to be joked about as the odd one out. So best we go our separate ways. Wishing e eruonr the best for the future, OP”

Oooof, I would be dropping them like hot bricks as I think even if you tackle them with it, they will still be defiant. I think no friends is better than bad friends.

If you must go away with them I would make it clear to them at check-in: "Just lay off my fucking drinks bitches!" No, I can't imagine you doing this either

Personally, I would go with ThePants999's rather brilliant riposte.

Send what @VenusInSpurs said, it's brilliant!

I know it's hard and scary to think about calling them on their behaviour, OP-particularly as you have had previous experience of bullying (me too). But think about how you felt on the tube back to your hotel-real friends do not make you feel like that. It feels daunting now but there really are better friends out there. VenusInSpurs' suggestion is a good one, polite but firm. Who do you have around you - do you have a supportive DP?

Thatstheendofmytether said it best really.

You’re so scarred from your past you can’t see these women are bullying you now. If my friends stole my drinks, called me boring and left to go buy drugs they wouldn’t be friends anymore.

Do you honestly think it’s safe and wise to expose your daughter to them? They’re going to be a nightmare on holiday surely? Or they’ll be lovely as your friend will want to dump her kid on you so they can all go out and get shitfaced knowing you won’t say anything anyway.

If you don’t have the confidence to tell them how awful they behaved, just leave the friendship group, block them on your phone and social media and work on your confidence and finding some new friends in Scotland.

You need to ask yourself whether you like being around them, whether you look forward to seeing them, whether they are good friends to you eg are they there when you need them? If not then I wouldn’t gonon holiday with them.

YANBU as seen as they both still live in London they could have done that night out anytime, this was meant to be a trip out for your birthday, they ruined it and then wouldn't even let you have a drink! Do not go on holiday with them and tell them exactly why. Let them get pissed off, they are not your friends. You know you will be used as childcare to look after your friends DS whilst they drink the holiday away. How old is your DD? Can you not do anything with her to get you out and meet new friends? I am social anxious and very much the same as you, but persisted going to groups with my DD and made some really good friends that way. I am slowly starting to stand up for myself more now as life is too short to be pissed about.