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Original poster

To ask the pros and cons of having a 3rd child

82 replies

Scottishgirl85 · 20/10/2018 20:33

We have two lovely daughters, 3.8 and 6 months. We've always talked of having 3 children and I'm finding myself packing away our baby's outgrown clothes, moses basket etc into the loft for another potential child... But I'm really interested to hear from those who have 3, what's it really like?

I just don't feel done yet, but is it an odd number for sibling fallouts, too far to stretch attention around all 3, etc?

For background our two daughters were not easily conceived and we'll need ivf again for a third so it may not even happen.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Escolar · 21/10/2018 07:39

I have three. I wouldn't say I regret it, as DC3 is fab, but it has been much harder than I expected. DC3 was the most difficult baby/toddler by far (none of the "the third one just slots in" here!) - a terrible sleeper and a very stubborn toddler.

Now they're late primary / early secondary age, and they're great kids but it's just very busy! They're all really active and sporty, which is great, but it means that DH and I seem to spend all our weekends driving around to sports matches and training. I don't want to give them fewer opportunities just because we chose to have three. I work three days a week which helps - whenever I think about upping my hours I feel overwhelmed!

And I haven't even had to deal with three teenagers yet Shock.

NoUnicornsToSeeHere · 21/10/2018 07:42

I’m 12 days into having 3, so not exactrly the voice of experience. But I have had so many people say “oh, you’ve got your girl now” (I didn’t know in advance and I didn’t mind at all).

Teenageromance · 21/10/2018 08:03

Mine are teenagers and I find it’s the constant busyness on a daily basis over a lot of years that is the downside. Three creates much more work than 2 plus one because there is always someone needing you for something or a job to do. Hard to explain this if you haven’t experienced it.

PedunculatedPolp · 21/10/2018 12:10

I'm a middle child and I love It. I have 3 (5, 2 and 10 months) and I always think that it is funny that when people meet my 2nd who is a boy and 3rd who is a girl at playgroup then they always assume my 1st is a boy when in fact she is a girl! I wanted 3 children and actually think 3 is easier than 1 as you worry less as you have less time. No one will offer to look after 3 but we are 5 hours from extended family so it wouldn't happen anyway and it didn't when we had 2 or 1 so no difference.

3in4years · 21/10/2018 22:44

3 children to love.
3 sibling relationships instead of 1 (between 2 siblings), plus the 2+1 combinations (between siblings + parents).
So the dynamic changes a lot.
It's so much richer, more interesting... imo
Of course it's busy and tiring and expensive but I can't think of anything better to spend my energy and money on.
3 is wonderful.
Mine are 4, 2 and baby.

GreenMeerkat · 22/10/2018 05:00

It is annoying though that people assume we only wanted a third to get a boy (have two girls) which is completely not true. We tried for another baby because we wanted another member of our family, not a particular sex.

Exactly this.

Also being asked if we were going to 'try for a boy' after having two girls. Would love to know exactly how you 'try for a boy'!

MrsGB2225 · 22/10/2018 05:16

I think people have different experiences of being one of three; I was the middle child and I loved it. I never felt neglected at all!

IdaBWells · 22/10/2018 05:18

We have DD1 18, DD2 15 and DS12, so although our son is not a teenager is feels like it as he is already 5’ 8” and moody! I am really enjoying the teen years with them, we have had no issues and they are all hard working at school and in their chosen sports. I am finding 3 teens much easier than when I had 3, six years old and younger, like the Duchess of Cambridge but with no nanny and grandma to help! (Although I did have part-time help at home when they were very small).

Our family would not be the same without our son and I love our family dynamic, the girls get on great with their brother. He is very similar in personality to our eldest and yet he is very close to the sister closest in age. Like people say, we are more of a crowd and it would be a different dynamic if we had stopped at the two girls. I love us all lounging on our sectional sofa watching a good movie or a comedy and sharing a really good laugh. Our eldest with be off to Uni next year (hopefully) so I’m glad to still have two at home for a few more years. My husband and I would happily have had 4 or 5 but it wasn’t to be.

HereForTheLineEyes · 22/10/2018 05:19

3 feels less civilised, much more chaotic, but in a good way. I love it! Yes the days are crazily busy, but also so full of lobe and cuddles.

We make a concentrated effort to spend 1 on 1 time with each of them. I really think "over-looked middle child" is really just crap parenting.

Yes more expensive, but as PP so brilliantly put it, there's nothing I would rather spend my time and money on.

We tend to do eurocamp for holidays or air b n b or rent a house/villa. We find young kids in cramped hotel rooms with set dining times and none of our own outdoor space isn't very relaxing or enjoyable, so most of our accommodation choices can handle a larger sized family anyway.

I'm expecting number 4 in May.

Jenny70 · 22/10/2018 06:09

You're outnumbered, if ewach child has a commitment at the same time, you can't always cover it yourselves, takes more planning and juggling.

The car is always jammed full, even when big enough to have one in front, school bags, sport bags, random stuff they need is always making the car full. If your family goes for a drive (or holiday) there is bickering in the back seat as they are crammed into each other's personal space.

As soon as they are old enough to need a bed, holidays are a pain, as they are always 2+2 setup, and getting a separate room for one sibling is expensive (and sets up may arguments). Family rooms mostly cater to 2+2.

But they often seem to be larger than life (I guess to compete for attention) and are usually hilarious, observant of others and generally switched on by having already watched 2 siblings go through the same things.

They are the icing on the cake, but similar to icing not everyone should be eating it and sometimes if you do you wish you hadn't (but know that you'd do it again if you had your time over). And if you're going to have cake, why not have one with icing??!!

SoyDora · 22/10/2018 07:29

Also being asked if we were going to 'try for a boy' after having two girls. Would love to know exactly how you 'try for a boy'!

That’s what I always thought too! Do you have to do it differently to get a boy?! Ridiculous!

BarbarianMum · 22/10/2018 07:37

I really wanted 3 but dh wanted to stop at 2 so we did. Getting over that was hard, it's taken me years. However, the increasing costs as they're approaching their teens have for the first time made me glad we didn't add a third. Everybody would have been fed and clothed and housed but it would be so much tougher than it is now and fuck knows how we'd have managed uni (contribution to living costs, I don't mean tuition fees) if all 3 had wanted to go.

Oly5 · 22/10/2018 12:54

It’s amazing - don’t let the cons out you off! Ours are 6, 4 and 1 and it is completely mental and hard work.. but there is so much joy! The eldest two adore the youngest, our family feels complete, I think we’ll manage when they are teenagers (people just do!).
I could think of a million reasons why it’s not practical.. but it’s barely practical to have any kids at all.
I don’t regret it at all

Moneypenny007 · 22/10/2018 13:02

I'm afraid to go for no 3. The last pregnancy was physically tough and I ended up with pnd for ages after (still not 100%). I've also ended up with physical issues also as a result of the pregnancy which would get worse with another.

Financially it would be tough for another 2 years.

frogsoup · 22/10/2018 13:28

More mess, more washing, more chaos, fewer offers of babysitting. But I wouldn't change it! Two felt too tidy, too quiet. I love the extra complexity of the dynamics between us all (though they all get on exceptionally well so we've drawn the winning ticket in that respect). I also love the feeling of knowing that our family is definitely complete!

helloooomeee · 22/10/2018 15:25

I'm just going to tell you my story. It's not quite what you're asking about but I would have thought twice before going for number 3 if I had even the faintest idea how it would turn out.

DP and I wrestled with the idea of number 3 for well over a year before finally deciding that when DC2 qualified for 30hrs free childcare we could just about afford number 3. It would be tight for a couple of years but we'd manage.
We're now 17weeks pregnant with twins!! Whilst I don't regret it, I have no idea how we're going to manage as we can't afford the childcare necessary for me to stay at work but can't pay the bills if I don't work. This is our 6th pregnancy (3 miscarriages) but our first multiple with no family history so very unexpected!

Cliveybaby · 22/10/2018 16:34

I'm the oldest of three and always felt like the odd one out. Nothing mean but my brother and sister are just much more similar personalities, and share interests etc. Also as they are only 1 year 11 months apart they are only 1 school year apart, whereas I am 2 years above my brother, so they had some mutual friends with each other but not me.
I'd rather have 2 or 4 I think.

singswithitsfingers · 22/10/2018 17:05

I'm the youngest of three so would always advocate going for a third! When we were growing up, things were cheaper, I suppose, so there wasn't the financial pressure. It's a long way ahead for you, but now as my parents are in their 80s, I am the 'silly young one' who is sorting out all their care. I am not sure what would have happened if they hadn't had the third one.

Cornishclio · 22/10/2018 17:07

I am the oldest of three but there was a large age gap between my younger sister and brother, 8 years. That meant that there was no middle child syndrome as such but my brother almost grew up as an only child. By the time he was 5 I was 16 and my sister 13 and I had left home by the time he was 9.

Although I loved my brother he was a pain the neck as a child and my mum was busy with him and had little spare time for my sister and I as teens and I determined to only have two and I in fact had two girls. My DD has done the same. I think I spent and still do spend more time with my girls as young adults than my mum did with me and my sister.

I think the biggest con is needing a bigger house, always one odd child out, less one on one time with parents, expenses of three kids, bigger car needed and noisier household with usually more arguments. I am glad I stuck to two.

desperateforsleep2 · 22/10/2018 17:26

After much deliberation, now pregnant with dc3. Regretting it already.

biscuittime · 22/10/2018 17:41

Being the eldest of three I’m so glad I have two other siblings. It helps so much to have that support from being part of a bigger family.

I am now a mum of three by accident and we thought two was great, but three is amazing. We love having our little tribe, our family feels complete.
The boring things like expense, laundry, are manageable. Time is an issue but currently manageble.

I definitely have no regrets about having three.

Senac32 · 22/10/2018 18:36

I have 3, and as others have said, we were outnumbered - I used to love that TV series.
Then re-married and a 4th was added. The teen years were certainly difficult, as they had all been born within 6 years. But all grown now TG and helping us out.

Serin · 22/10/2018 19:03

We have 3. Ages 21, 17 and 16.
21 yr old has just finished uni and moved home. House is quite full and noisy (esp with all our pets!) But we love the bustle.
We helped the eldest 2 so much with exams/sports/music etc and DC3 didn't get anywhere near the attention they had. He is very quiet! however it hasn't done him any harm at all. His GCSE grades were the best of the 3 and he is a calm, focused chap. I love that they get on so well. Hearing them laughing playing daft games like Risk is great! And they have all been enriched by the others interests. For instance there is no way the boys would ride horses if DD had not been so obsessed with them and DS1 would never have sat through choral recitals had he not had to come along to watch his brother.
The downside would probably be the cost of the extension to the house 😯

beclev24 · 22/10/2018 19:32

We recently took the plunge after agonizing for ages- DS3 is 10 months.

DH has been dead against. I was desperate for a third. He came round but nervously and I’m sure if it had been wholly down to him he would have stopped at 2. He was v worried about the extra work/ lack of sleep/ starting again. I just wanted another baby / bigger family and felt we were not complete. It was quite irrational. Tbh we were both right.

The extra work/worry/ exhaustion has been pretty mind boggling. Also some unexpected third order effects. Both of the big ones love DS3 but there was limited attention to go round and they ended up fighting horribly with each other for first few months which they hadn’t done before- we think almost certainly due to less attention/ exhausted parents/ big transition. Also individually they each became more challenging and attention seeking after birth of DS3.

But....DS3 is my heart’s delight. Our family feels abundant and chaotic and fun and wonderful.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/10/2018 19:40

it's doable to ask dh to sort 2 out so I can have a break / rest, 3 is doable but more of an "ask"

Can I just say: sod that!! They're his kids too!!