AIBU?
Porn at dinner
userwtf · 19/10/2018 23:40
Just found husbands phone open on incognito mode. Not the first time so knew from previous experience (over a year ago) that he had been watching porn.
Problem is we had just been about to sit down to a takeaway and baby cried on the monitor. Went up to settle her. Only gone 10 mins. By the time I was back down he was mostly finished his food so he spent those 10 mins eating dinner and watching porn. Could he not just have watched tv or browsed Facebook??
I'm not a fan of porn but it's not a LTB situation. If he had been alone and wanted a wank fair enough. But watching porn while he ate dinner. What does that say about him. I'm angry. Really angry.
Am I totally over reacting?
He admitted it straight away. Wanted to talk about it. We're not having enough sex. That's true. I know that. But we did have sex a couple of nights ago. And would have this weekend. But this feels off. Why watch porn while you're eating dinner. When I was clearly only going to be gone a few minutes.
Not even sure why I'm so angry but I am.
Jeanclaudejackety · 19/10/2018 23:42
How can you watch porn whilst eating. In such a open way. Strange
AlpacaLypse · 19/10/2018 23:44
I don't know where to start. LTB? If he can't wait for five whole minutes while you're looking after the result of one of his previous sperm ejaculations then he really is an arse.
YouTheCat · 19/10/2018 23:46
He sounds like a total loser. No way would I want to be near him. He has no respect for you.
userwtf · 19/10/2018 23:48
This is what's annoying me I think. He didn't wank. Just watched it. Like a fucking tv show.
We had been talking about wether we would try for dc3 or just be happy with our 2 dc. When I came down he was totally normal. Ate dinner and watched tv. It's only cause I lifted his phone to google something that I realised what he had open on his phone.
What the fuck was going through his head. I'm so angry. He's in the spare room.
Wearywithteens · 19/10/2018 23:48
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userwtf · 19/10/2018 23:54
He's far from 15. In his 40's.
We've 2 very young dc. Toddler and a baby. Life has been very focused on them for the last couple of years.
We don't have enough sex. Can easily go weeks. Both of us complain about it but don't make the effort to find the time.
If he'd had a wank in the shower or watched porn alone it wouldn't annoy me so much. He has needs. That's normal. But this has made me so angry.
Was it some fucked up way to get himself in the mood? Does he need that? If he does we're in trouble.
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/10/2018 00:07
Well, I think it sounds pretty grubby TBH. But then, I don't follow why you say you're not a fan or porn but it's ok if he watches it.
FrustratedBeyond · 20/10/2018 00:10
Its odd that's the first thing that comes to his mind the second you leave the room... Do you reckon porn addiction?
skybluee · 20/10/2018 00:17
I don't understand why it's any different to watch it whilst in the shower/masturbating as opposed to watching it while eating food. Surely it's the same ethics, morals etc involved as to whether it's OK or not, whether the participants chose to be involved freely and so on. Either it's OK or it's not really - a bit like watching TV or a film - OK at one time but not OK at another? Doesn't make sense to me.
Italiangreyhound · 20/10/2018 00:17
"He admitted it straight away. Wanted to talk about it. We're not having enough sex. That's true. I know that."
To be honest a man watching porn would put me right off having any sex with him. Just sounds so gross. Sorry.
"Not even sure why I'm so angry but I am."
Maybe because it sound gross and disrespectful to you that the minute you leave the room he is watching people fucking on his phone?
TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 20/10/2018 00:19
I don't see this as an overreaction. Although I don't understand why doing it at dinner is worse than at any other time.
The porn industry exploits and harms women. Men who watch porn are messing with their own ability to experience intimacy and sexual fulfilment with their flesh-and-blood partner. There are lots of reasons to have a problem with porn. You're not being unreasonable.
PickAChew · 20/10/2018 00:19
It's only a need if the lack will harm him. Stop buying into this crap.
ToeToToe · 20/10/2018 00:21
Shocking how many men are addicted to porn these days. I know many women who make similar complaints about their husbands.
One came home from the (10 minute) school run, to find her husband's lap top left open on the table with quite nasty hardcore porn showing on it. The morning school run.
He was a Deputy Head too.
userwtf · 20/10/2018 00:23
I'm not excusing porn. I don't watch it. Find it grubby and seedy and exploitative. I've told him this before. But it's not LTB level. If anything I almost look down on him for watching it.
I think the main reason I'm so annoyed is that it's not serving a purpose. If he's using it to have a wank while I don't like it, it's like there is a reason. This seems pointless. Why watch it for a few minutes, when I'm obviously coming back.
How do I deal with this. I don't even want to talk to him.
Rixera · 20/10/2018 00:24
I guess it depends on the kind of porn? And your general lifestyle etc?
I regularly have 10 minute browses of a certain fetish community-type site while doing something else. Saving stuff for later, or just interested in having a quick look at a couple of aesthetic photos while the tea brews.
But then I'd often send the links to OH with an 'isn't that pretty!' If it's something I think he would like. How casual is his viewing?
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/10/2018 00:28
Yes, you've said the porn isn't the issue and it's not a LTB thing.
But I don't understand what you want us to say?
He prefers wanking over porn to waiting a few minutes until you get back. It's not that porn isn't service a purpose - it's that the purpose it serves is not being you, isn't it? If he wanted you, you'd have been back in moments. So, clearly, he prefers porn, or he likes to have porn plus you.
I think that's horribly disrespectful to you, and part of a wider issue that starts with him using porn in the first place.
userwtf · 20/10/2018 00:29
I've seen his phone left on incognito mode 2 or 3 times in the last few years. He's totally open with his phone and I use it as if it were mine. I have never suspected a porn habit.
He admits to watching porn occasionally. He knows I find it disgusting. I have been angry any time I've found it before.
beeefcreep · 20/10/2018 00:30
@Rixera same as me, not necessarily turned on by something but just intrigued.
It's situational, porn isn't the be all and end all of all relationships.
I may get flamed for this but watching porn does not equate cheating, if it did then my husband should have left me years ago.
userwtf · 20/10/2018 00:34
I don't want porn to play a part in my relationship.
If he's trying to claim that he's watching porn as we don't have enough sex then surely the answer is to make time for sex. Not perve over your phone.
He couldn't explain why he watched it. Does totally make me feel like shit though.
LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/10/2018 00:35
Yes, the answer should be to make time for sex.
If he isn't, I really think this is an issue.
And you absolutely shouldn't feel like shit! This is not you. It's him. He owes you at the very least an explanation.
puzzledlady · 20/10/2018 00:36
I don’t know - do you have rules for him, for when he can and when he can’t watch it? A friend of mine is a little like you - not happy about it but not ltb situation, he’s allowed to watch it when she’s not around or when she’s away. And not while the children are awake (even if in another room) Could it be an addiction? Watching while eating dinner is a little strange yes, but if you’ve discussed it and you’re on some level ok with him watching it, then maybe this seemed ok to him? Sorry OP - not much help I know.
TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 20/10/2018 00:36
So either he's addicted, or he's so desensitised he watches it like you might check the weather forecast, or he's doing it on purpose to communicate to you that he doesn't give a toss about your opinion.
For me, a bloke watching porn for any reason at all is communicating a disrespect of women so profound that I could not remain in a relationship with him. We all have different boundaries. What I'm trying to say is wherever yours really are OP, you are allowed to assert them.
tabbycat1234 · 20/10/2018 00:38
No yanbu
3 different issues imo
- your sex life
- whether or not you mind him masturbating watching porn
- him casually watching it for 10 min stuffing his face with dinner whilst you are doing the parenting like no big deal
I would lose my shit over no 3....
Wonder if to him it's just relaxing you know like watching wheeler dealers or whatever tf
Do you def know it was porn?
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