Porn at dinner

[userwtf]

Just found husbands phone open on incognito mode. Not the first time so knew from previous experience (over a year ago) that he had been watching porn.

Problem is we had just been about to sit down to a takeaway and baby cried on the monitor. Went up to settle her. Only gone 10 mins. By the time I was back down he was mostly finished his food so he spent those 10 mins eating dinner and watching porn. Could he not just have watched tv or browsed Facebook??

I'm not a fan of porn but it's not a LTB situation. If he had been alone and wanted a wank fair enough. But watching porn while he ate dinner. What does that say about him. I'm angry. Really angry.

Am I totally over reacting?

He admitted it straight away. Wanted to talk about it. We're not having enough sex. That's true. I know that. But we did have sex a couple of nights ago. And would have this weekend. But this feels off. Why watch porn while you're eating dinner. When I was clearly only going to be gone a few minutes.

Not even sure why I'm so angry but I am.

[Bootanicbanshee]

He sounds quite selfish, immature and not terribly bright. His “needs” don’t come before looking after your child. Does he take his fair share of turns at settling the baby too? No wonder you don’t feel up for having sex with him.

[Italiangreyhound]

Chalkhillblu3 "I think all men look at it at least a bit now it's so easy on the internet. "

You cannot conceive of a single male who chooses not to watch just because it is eaay and cheap?

[Italiangreyhound]

tamzinro "Unless men are asexual they are going to be watching porn"

This is a lie. Please do not promote this lie, it's depressing and assumes all men are unthinking, unaware jerks. They are not. Plus how could you know! Perpetuating this lie leaves women thinking this is normal and acceptable. Some people think it is normal. Some people think it is acceptable. But either way, not all men watch porn.

[Chalkhillblu3]

Then again you were eating takeout. Porn is to wife like dirtyburger is to steak.

[chocolatebox1]

I don't think it's necessarily a terrible thing but I think watching it whilst eating dinner is very odd. Most men watch it from time to time or maybe often, but for obvious reasons. I don't know if there's something I'm missing in his reasoning, but I find having a little browse whilst dining to be quite bizarre. It would certainly put me off my food, but maybe other people don't feel like that?!

[Chalkhillblu3]

I've had a man tell me I looked like a porn star during sex. He was trying to be complementary, the idiot.

I think all men look at it at least a bit now it's so easy on the internet. Webcams are worse - I'll pay you 50p to finger yourself.

[Rixera]

Your- both of you- life sounds exhausting. Cut him a break. You're tired, he acted thoughtlessly without realising it would upset you, he wants to talk about it. You know you wouldn't leave him over it. It doesn't need to be a big deal. Nobody is perfect.

[tamzinro]

@NotTheFordType haha !4 years single and love life !

[tamzinro]

@userwtf what sort of porn was it?

[tamzinro]

@TallulahWaitingInTheRain Bit OTT . Unless men are asexual they are going to be watching porn ..

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I'm with kids 24/7. He works hard and has a two hour commute each way. We talk about finding time for sex but are putting little effort into it. Both tired and feeling disconnected. But this doesn't help. The last thing I want to do now is be intimate

If you barely have time for each other and rarely have sex why are you both considering another child? 3DC under three would put your already fragile marriage under even more pressure.

[BoomTish]

I’d think porn addiction too.

Like, what was in it for him? If he’s having a wank and watching porn, there’s a pay-off. But sitting at the dinner table? Was he masturbating?

[userwtf]

Thanks for the kind words.

I'm struggling to understand because he can't explain why. I don't think he has an addiction. I think he made a stupid choice and is highly embarrassed to have been caught.

We need to work on our marriage. We do loads of things together with the kids but little or nothing alone. Nights out yet aren't possible due to breastfeeding. Nights in are the best we can manage but we are both tired.

I'm with kids 24/7. He works hard and has a two hour commute each way. We talk about finding time for sex but are putting little effort into it. Both tired and feeling disconnected. But this doesn't help. The last thing I want to do now is be intimate.

I don't want him to feel ashamed but I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy with casually watching porn.

He's adamant that it's only occasionally but I'm still wtf about last night.

[LeftRightCentre]

I can't abide people with no self-control.

[Beaverhausen]

By the sounds of it OP your partner might have a porn addiction.

[Italiangreyhound]

"He said he was embarrassed and I made him feel small. I said good."

It sounds like this has bothered you a lot and maybe you need to be able to articulate to him why, if you want him to understand.

You have said you are breast feeding a toddler and a baby and are contemplating dc3 yet your sex life is not great, which does seem to bother you both.

Was it date night? If so, I think the porn use on date night as soon as you left the room should be a massive red flag to turn your attention (both of you) to your marriage. Get some help if you need it. Is it ppssoblr he is having erectile problems?

I might start by asking him how he would feel if he went to sooth the baby and when he came back you were watching a gyrating naked guy on Big Dicks R Us (I'm not a porn user, I know they do more than gyrate, - Big Dicks R Us might exist!)

I think your reaction Is rightly telling you that you are not happy with the way things are. He said you made him feel small. But watching porn on a night in with your loved one the minute she leaves the room is a small act. It drives disconnection. But empathy drives connection. So if he can see your side, and explain his, you could begin to re build trust. IMHO.

[TenForward82]

Ignore @busybarbara, they're either a troll or a nut bag.

It's infuriating that while women are looking after the babies men pretend they want, that they're having a cosy little sit-down, stuffing their gobs and storing up misogynistic material for the wank bank. I'd be disgusted at this sad little excuse for a man.

[QueenDoris]

Were you having sausages for dinner?

[Italiangreyhound]

ToeToToe "Shocking how many men are addicted to porn these days. I know many women who make similar complaints about their husbands.

One came home from the (10 minute) school run, to find her husband's lap top left open on the table with quite nasty hardcore porn showing on it. The morning school run.

He was a Deputy Head too."

This is one of the many reasons I detest porn. The fact the bus driver, shop keeper, colleague or guy driving me home by taxi might have filled his head with images suggesting women are always up for it, and even when they are not they end up liking it, don't mind being verbally abused or throttled or whatever else the male fancies doing!

[Chalkhillblu3]

I think it's the casual opportunism of it that's getting to you. Like maybe it signals that he is casually opportunistic about other things.

[safariboot]

If you didn't see the screen, it could be anything. Might not have been porn at all. Gambling, online dating, Googling "what to do if I've been sacked", whatever. Anything he thinks you think is worse than watching porn at the dinner table.

If he was watching porn, then I suspect addict territory and he's on it far more often than you think.

[busybarbara]

He said he was embarrassed and I made him feel small. I said good.

Your relationship is over if you've got to that. If he were on here telling this story I'd be telling him to leave. The overreaction is alarming.

[lynmilne65]

Bit unfair on 15 year olds

[stopitandtidyupp]

Things are tough with kids. They really are but if you start to lose respectit is a slippery slope.

An open an honest chat is needed when he is less defensive.

[userwtf]

That's what I said. Watching some stupid funny video is totally not the reaction I got from him last night. He was embarrassed that I knew. He knows I disapprove and think he feels like I'm judging him and it makes him feel small. I can't argue because I am.

Why link it to our lack of sex life if he's only watching a stupid video.

He's had since last night to think of a story that doesn't make him sound like a prick. He knows I don't believe him. But he still isn't explaining why.

He had sent me a message asking if I wanted him to bring the dinner upstairs. Baby is bf and can sometimes take ages and ages to settle. It's not unusual for me to settle the baby then go straight to bed myself. Baby co-sleeps.

I'm wondering if he thought I wasn't coming back down. Sex was on the cards for last night as we're both trying to make an effort. I've no idea how much he watched. It could have been just switched on then off again when he heard me coming back down. But he's not explaining that.

He's acting very much like a school boy caught watching porn. He's embarrassed and defensive.