Porn at dinner

[userwtf]

Just found husbands phone open on incognito mode. Not the first time so knew from previous experience (over a year ago) that he had been watching porn.

Problem is we had just been about to sit down to a takeaway and baby cried on the monitor. Went up to settle her. Only gone 10 mins. By the time I was back down he was mostly finished his food so he spent those 10 mins eating dinner and watching porn. Could he not just have watched tv or browsed Facebook??

I'm not a fan of porn but it's not a LTB situation. If he had been alone and wanted a wank fair enough. But watching porn while he ate dinner. What does that say about him. I'm angry. Really angry.

Am I totally over reacting?

He admitted it straight away. Wanted to talk about it. We're not having enough sex. That's true. I know that. But we did have sex a couple of nights ago. And would have this weekend. But this feels off. Why watch porn while you're eating dinner. When I was clearly only going to be gone a few minutes.

Not even sure why I'm so angry but I am.

He sounds pathetic

TABBYCAT.

it's no3 that I'm angry about.

Our sex life isn't great. We both talk about how it needs to improve. He works long hours in a stressful job. I'm on maternity leave and have a full on toddler. Both kids bf and still bf dc2. Don't have any alone time. Us sitting down to dinner together is an effort to spend time together away from the kids. Didn't go to plan tonight.

I don't have an agreement for porn watching. He's previously admitted that he watches it occasionally. I told him I find it seedy and gross. I don't want to know anything about him watching it. I'm assuming that he doesn't. But obviously he does.

I can't decide if I'm angry because he had such a small window of time and he chose to watch porn or just because I caught him.

I only know he was watching porn because he told me. When I saw incognito mode I handed him his phone and walked away. He knew I was angry. He called me back and said we need to talk about it. But he had no explanation.

I'd find it a bit odd given the timing, but who knows, he might have just been feeling horny and thought, oh might as well... Especially since you said life has been very focused on your young DC recently, he might have just used the small time-frame available. Porn definitely wouldn't be a dinner entertainment for me but I can imagine my DP not having a problem with it to be honest...

If the last time he did it was a year ago I wouldn't think much about it but if it turns out it's something he compulsively does every time he's got 10mins on his own it's a different story. Maybe just let it rest for today and talk to him about it again tomorrow when you're feeling calmer?

How do I know?. I asked him if he watched porn every time I was out of the room and he said of course not. I asked him what was wrong with watching the tv for 10 mins and he just looked unsure.

I've seen no sign of porn use. But I'm not with him for most of the day.

I'm almost more concerned that it was something fucked up to get him in the mood. Sex was on the cards. But I find that repulsive. He knows that. Well he certainly does now. We were talking about potentially having a dc3 and as soon as I walk out of the room he's watching other women on his phone??

The more I think about it the angrier I am.

Yep think you need to sleep on it. But I totally understand the rage

Generalising but I don't think men think of it as much of a big deal as women do tbh
esp with smartphones these days
But I think they do know that lots of women get p-d off by it

And I'm sure he's now feeling v guilty maybe you can talk properly & that could be a good thing in long run

Just saw that you said you've only seen his phone in incognito mode a few times over the last year and you often share his phone, so I wouldn't assume he does it that often.

Obviously I don't know your DP but from what you're saying he sounds quite reasonable and honest (he was honest about watching it and asked to talk about it straight away). I get that you're not okay with him watching it and it's good that you've made that clear to him. However my advice would still be not to worry that much about it and try to distract yourself with something else for now. He might have been stressed or tired but since you've both previously talked about improving your sex life he really wanted to get in the mood for you (in a way that you disapprove of, but obviously that wasn't on his mind)? I'd see how you feel about it tomorrow as I always find myself getting worked up about things way to much the more I think about them and after I've had a break I realise they weren't actually that big of a deal. I hope you can talk it out and/or find a solution.

I'm a big overreactor. If he hadn't told me to talk to him I would have walked out and went to bed and raged. I've already planned how to avoid him this weekend. I'm so angry I don't want to spend any time with him. I'll calm down but I'm not there yet.

He knew that I knew it was porn on his phone. That's why he admitted it. There was no mention of it until I saw incognito mode.

It has only been a couple of times in he last couple of years. I don't approve of it. I'm not going to start.

I'm even angry that I'm awake posting about this. I should be sleeping. I'll be tired tomorrow. Baby will probably wake up for a feed soon.

I don't know what he can say to explain it.

YANBU. I would hit the roof to be quite honest. I know some think its fine and dandy, but I detest porn completely and tbh, the watching it during dinner makes me feel a bit ill.

Agree with @artio, maybe he really wanted tonight to be 'the night' and especially with children crying worried he wouldn't be able to get in the mood.

Tbh I find it hard to get out of mum-mode and into sexy-person mode. That's one of the reasons I and OH share porn links, as inspiration that there's more to us than just tired out parents.

Okay, you hate it- did he even know you hated it, or just that you weren't that into it?

You're living in cloud cuckoo land. It's crude but if he wasn't making a big deal out of it, I don't see why you are. Have you never read an erotic novel to get you in the mood? I could have seen myself breaking into a chapter of 50 Shades during a 5 minute break when I was reading it, to be honest. You seem to be very judgy over what floats his boat particularly when your sex life isn't on track.

You do not look at wank material in certain circumstances.
I seriously could not look at my DH with love in my eyes if he sat at the fucking dinner table looking at that, regardless of the state of our love life, which incidentally is fine.

Doesn’t say much about his intelligence level. He needs to evolve. 🐒

Bloody hell, this thread is reminding me why I should never get into a "normal" relationship again

But it's not LTB level

You're tolerant. I suppose everyone has their own pain threshold. Mine would have been off the scale if I was confronted by some random's appendage at the dinner table. Would have put me right off my stir fry.

So you had a takeaway dinner planned for both of you as “grownup time” - and he could’t even wait 10 freaking minutes for you to come back to share the meal with you? He just started esting?
And on top of that he was watching porn on his phone (that sounds grim btw)?

It would put me off sex with that man, for sure. No wonder you’re angry.

I love how "Oh, but I'm sure you have read erotic literature" often comes up on these threads.

Like watching "MILFhardcorethreesome" while you tuck into your shepherd's pie is the equivalent of reading a shitty book.

Seriously though, could people really read Fifty Shades while they were eating? If so how did you get past that feeling of constant nausea?

Agree OP. I hare porn completely but there is something more twisted about just browsing it as he had a sparw few minutes.

My ex used to browse it all day at work. Said it took his mind off the stress. Just sick really.

Bloody hell. I had no idea that porn was such a deal-breaker for so many women! Genuinely quite shocked at some of these replies. Totally fair play though - everyone is entitled to their own opinion on what is a very emotive subject.

I have zero issues with my OH using porn. My OH gets embarrassed if I catch him out watching it, I find it hilarious if he's forgotten to switch on incognito mode and it shows up on his iPad history haha! For various reasons our sex life needs to improve too - special needs children, long working hours, tired blah blah. Your OH has needs - porn isn't a replacement for you in the same way a bag of crisps isn't a replacement for dinner. But all that aside, if you don't like it, you're absolutely entitled to your feelings. I personally don't think it's fair for you to be angry at him for using it when you're not there. Presumably you have things that arouse you too? Very stereotypical but men tend to respond to very visual images which is why porn has historically been so popular. It's quick, easy and takes zero imagination.

However, I do think it's very different him hopping onto check out porn the very second you're out of the room. That would actually really piss me off too - and as I said, I'm totally fine with my OH using porn. I think you need to have a direct and honest conversation with him - ask him why did he switch the porn on. Was he getting himself aroused to jump your bones? Did he not feel able to feel aroused without it? Was he planning on fitting in a sneaky wank? I think using porn in these circumstances is very different than watching a bit to have a wank on his own in the shower. It's almost being used as a substitute to getting fruity with you - you were going to be coming back down, so why put porn on? I would guess that's why you're feeling so angry - it feels invasive and as if he couldn't wait for the real thing 10 minutes later.

You can't help the way you feel about porn and even though I quite like it myself, I do think him whipping it out at dinner is more than a bit sleazy. You're NBU to feel angry - I think an honest conversation is needed about why he did what he did.

I've seen men with it on their phones whilst they're on the bus. Sometimes they've got their kid with them. They watch it everywhere, anywhere, anytime....

On the bus too?
That’s like an addiction basically!

The whole "men are more visual" bollocks has been debunked again and again...

I doubt even the most open-minded poster on this thread would pop porn on to watch while they eat.

This would not be my idea of a good man or relationship. I would not be able to live with something so grubby being part of my every day life (or my life at all) It would tell me that this man has absolutely no idea of the exploitation that porn is responsible for, it would tell me he has a general lack of respect for me and for women in general and I would want out. What kind of father will he be to your children, will they grow up watching porn over his shoulder at dinner/pick ups etc? He his normalising disrespect and the exploitation in your house, and you have allowed him to.

This man has zero respect for you, zero respect for his children. Full stop.

Eeeeeeeeuw.

What a life, living with a man like this.

Cling to denial and cognitive dissonance until you can afford to leave him. It's humiliating to have to tolerate this level of creepy in your own home.

It's really interesting that now men can't force women to put up with them if they beat us or have sex with other women, or go out and get drunk every night, they're coming up with new ways of making living with them unbearable.

Anyone would think they didn't want to live with women.

Spoke to him again this morning. He is saying that a couple of guys at work were talking about something and he watched it. Apparently it was funny.

I told him that was bullshit. He's had all night to think of a story. If that was the truth he would have told me last night. He said he was embarrassed and I made him feel small. I said good. Why did he blame our lack of sex life if he was just watching something the boys in work were laughing about.

He's now angry I don't believe him.
I'm angry he thinks I'm going to fall for that shit.

If it's funny, why doesn't he show you?