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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is my sister a CF?

61 replies

Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:00

Currently planning a VERY small wedding - as in small register office job with a few people, and a few more people for a small tea in the afternoon.

I would have preferred to invite no one (tbh I'm not keen on most of my family anyway), but I get on well with DP's family and his mum made it known she'd be very upset if she wasn't invited so I felt guilty.

I've spent agggges researching into how to do this on a small budget. Atter a lot of research, we have settled on a buffet tea after the register office with a view to invite most people just to this rather than the ceremony. This costs about £35 per person, plus money for booze etc. We also have to pay £100 venue cost.

We have a guest list of 15 people, this is parents, siblings, grandparents, and a couple of uncles (only the ones we are close to). We am not inviting cousins, extended family, friends, or plus ones (boyfriends, girlfriends of guests).

I haven't sent the invites yet, but my family know it's next summer.

Getting on to the subject of the thread, my sister is currently living in New Zealand, and has been seeing a new man for about 3 weeks. She says they are now a couple, and she's pretty head over heels with him. Fine, good for her.

But now she messages me and asks if he can come to the wedding. I said it's small and even extended family aren't coming, she says she's already asked him to be her plus one. She then says I would really like him. Maybe so, but I don't want a stranger at my small, intimate wedding, especially when we are paying per head. I don't want to be crass and make it about money, but these costs are all adding up and I don't know him!

Am I being mean/miserable or is she a CF? Are plus ones just expected nowadays? How do I handle this without awkwardness?

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 19/10/2018 20:02

I would say if your dsis is traveling all that way she should bring him.
And I don't usually agree with a +1!!
Ask her to pay for him if that helps!!

maddiemookins16mum · 19/10/2018 20:02

I think I’d make an exception if your sister was coming from New Zealand.

Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:04

@Aprilislonggone she's only there a few months, she will be coming home next year anyway.

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 19/10/2018 20:04

The extra £35 will pale into insignificance next to what she'll be spending to come over.

Celebelly · 19/10/2018 20:05

How long is it till the wedding? They've only been together three weeks, so I wouldn't exactly call it an established relationship!

Pebblespony · 19/10/2018 20:05

3 weeks isn't very long but if it's still going strong by the time your wedding is on, then she'll probably want to bring him to meet the family etc. I'd invite him. Maybe explain the financial problems and ask her to pay for him?

Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:05

And it's not just about the money, I also think it would be awkward to have a stranger at such a small affair Confused

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/10/2018 20:06

If he's still around by then (which is doubtful) then he'll come back to the UK with her, presumably - it would be really, really mean to say he couldn't come to your wedding.

And try to cheer up about it! It's supposed to be a happy time!

Peacockfeathers789 · 19/10/2018 20:06

I would just invite him, if the wedding is next year and they are still together at that point then it’s obvious a serious relationship and it would be right at the time to have him there. But if the wedding was next week then I’d say no

Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:06

@cornflakegirl she's coming home next year anyway as her visa will run out, she isn't making a special trip, sorry for the confusion

OP posts:
rainbowtrain · 19/10/2018 20:06

This os the issue with mid- size weddings. In my opinion either you go big or you go tiny.
We went tiny. Just us and witnesses.
Because something like this always happens 🤦🏻‍♀️

Aprilislonggone · 19/10/2018 20:07

She may not even be with him then, if you say no now you could be causing a rift for no reason at all. And if they are still together surely you will want to meet him??

Celebelly · 19/10/2018 20:07

If the wedding is not for a while, can you just say yes now - by the time it comes around he'll either have been with her a long time so won't be such a stranger or it'll all be over and it won't matter.

Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:07

@HollowTalk He is British and is also coming back from travelling next year, sorry for the confusion

OP posts:
Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:08

@rainbowtrain that's what I wanted but others have blown it up :(

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 19/10/2018 20:08

I’d just say yes for now as if she’s only in NZ for a few months it will probably fizzle out when she returns but she’s probably enjoying the thought of it all now.

blackteasplease · 19/10/2018 20:08

It's quite good to keep a new partner "waiting in the wings" a bit and not bring them to family dos too early imo . Shows you've got a life and they have to work to be included in it.

HollowTalk · 19/10/2018 20:08

Oh, okay, sorry, I thought he was from there. I still think that I'd let her bring someone - everyone enjoys it much more if they have someone with them.

Feb2018mumma · 19/10/2018 20:10

Husband had 20 guests and I had 20, and his parents took 8 of those of people we don't know and will probably never see! Wasn't awkward for us as we didn't really interact with them but assume was awkward for them! You honestly won't notice on the day :)

Antigon · 19/10/2018 20:10

YANBU. Tell her you and fiancé are having a small wedding so that you only have to have close family with you and her inviting a stranger will mean you're not having the wedding you agreed with DH.

averythinline · 19/10/2018 20:10

It's next year.... either he will be significant or not by then...just tell her that say yeah if they're still together of course he can come....
Not worth falling out so far in advance....

But it sounds like Ur small ideal is spreading ( happened to me started with 4 ended up with 44) wish I'd stuck to 4!

crispysausagerolls · 19/10/2018 20:10

Absolutely would not invite him! Your family can do a nice dinner or something with him another day - he can find something else to do for the few hours of the wedding. 15 people and inviting a random guy? Hell non

lostelephant · 19/10/2018 20:11

Don't invite him. If everybody is very close and he is practically a stranger then it won't be as relaxed as you're probably hoping for. Apologise to your sister but explain you aren't inviting +1's.

NewPapaGuinea · 19/10/2018 20:11

So the fact she’s in NZ is irrelevant as she/they will be back living in the UK when the wedding comes round. I’d certainly say no in this scenario as you’ve purposely kept it very intimate and having a him there will mess with the dynamic, especially if it’s the first time people will have met him.

legofriendly · 19/10/2018 20:12

If she were married herself by then would you want him there ? A lot could happen in that time!

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