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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is my sister a CF?

61 replies

Jess910 · 19/10/2018 20:00

Currently planning a VERY small wedding - as in small register office job with a few people, and a few more people for a small tea in the afternoon.

I would have preferred to invite no one (tbh I'm not keen on most of my family anyway), but I get on well with DP's family and his mum made it known she'd be very upset if she wasn't invited so I felt guilty.

I've spent agggges researching into how to do this on a small budget. Atter a lot of research, we have settled on a buffet tea after the register office with a view to invite most people just to this rather than the ceremony. This costs about £35 per person, plus money for booze etc. We also have to pay £100 venue cost.

We have a guest list of 15 people, this is parents, siblings, grandparents, and a couple of uncles (only the ones we are close to). We am not inviting cousins, extended family, friends, or plus ones (boyfriends, girlfriends of guests).

I haven't sent the invites yet, but my family know it's next summer.

Getting on to the subject of the thread, my sister is currently living in New Zealand, and has been seeing a new man for about 3 weeks. She says they are now a couple, and she's pretty head over heels with him. Fine, good for her.

But now she messages me and asks if he can come to the wedding. I said it's small and even extended family aren't coming, she says she's already asked him to be her plus one. She then says I would really like him. Maybe so, but I don't want a stranger at my small, intimate wedding, especially when we are paying per head. I don't want to be crass and make it about money, but these costs are all adding up and I don't know him!

Am I being mean/miserable or is she a CF? Are plus ones just expected nowadays? How do I handle this without awkwardness?

OP posts:
Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 19/10/2018 20:12

I think if you want her to be there you should invite her boyfriend. It'll still be a small wedding.

rainbowtrain · 19/10/2018 20:14

OP I understand, we did that because I knew there would be drama, also I have family abroad.
I put my foot down and was lucky that DH hates crowds 😁

RandomMess · 19/10/2018 20:15

If you are paying £35 per head just book a table at a restaurant...

On the DSIS boyfriend front I guess I think it's too soon to know if he'll still be a stranger or not!

theworldistoosmall · 19/10/2018 20:16

Honestly shop around more. Don't mention the wedding. £35 per head for a buffet is shocking even more so without booze.

eddielizzard · 19/10/2018 20:24

Restart. Have your tiny wedding. Do it next week.

eddielizzard · 19/10/2018 20:24

OK maybe not next week.

FFSFFSFFS · 19/10/2018 20:29

I was going to say if she's coming all the way from New Zealand with him must for the wedding you're bing pretty unreasonable.

But if they're both just travelling and would in any case have been back in the UK by the time of the wedding then that's very different. Fine to say no. And if by the time the day comes it actually feels right to invite him then you can do that!

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 19/10/2018 20:30

I think that asking when she's been with him for 3 weeks is cheeky as fuck.

I'd say that if they're still together by the wedding and come over together, yes, but right now, ha ha ha, way too soon!

Do you have another sister/brother who can tell her to get a grip?

BrendasUmbrella · 19/10/2018 20:36

If she brings him they may dominate the wedding reception with New Zealand anecdotes. Plus nobody knows him so you may get his life story over lunch too. Fine at a normal lunch, but not on your wedding day.

pigeondujour · 19/10/2018 20:41

If she brings him they may dominate the wedding reception with New Zealand anecdotes. Plus nobody knows him so you may get his life story over lunch too.

Duh. How could one forget the cardinal 'don't invite anyone who has ever been on holiday or had a life to your wedding' rule?

Merryoldgoat · 19/10/2018 20:45

What a ridiculous cost for a buffet - I had a caterer do a 3 course sit-down catered meal for that!

It’s one extra person. You’ll have a chance to meet him beforehand by the sounds of it. I’d just invite him.

Dollymixture22 · 19/10/2018 20:45

I can understand not wanting a stranger at your wedding. But I can also understanding your sister summing that she would get a plus one - being so close to the bride.

And I agree it’s not about the money.

Although - is it worth falling out over. Will,the relationship even last to the wedding

bringbackthestripes · 19/10/2018 20:47

How is it even an issue now if the wedding isn’t until next summer? See where the relationship lies by the time you send the invites out. Bit odd of her to expect you to invite him at this stage tbh

Tinkobell · 19/10/2018 20:52

No she's not a CF. in fact you are a CF refusing a guest when she's traveling from the other side of the world for £35! How embarrassing.

LadyBrienne · 19/10/2018 20:52

I wouldn't create a storm in a teacup - well, not yet

given they will both be back living in the UK, and not traveling specifically for the wedding, there is no issue

just say "we'll see what happens closer to the time"

assuming they will be back before the wedding and if they are still together, you can get to know him before hand - he won't be a stranger - he'd be the partner of your sister

then if they are together, makes sense to invite him, and if they are not together, no issue

DaisyYellow · 19/10/2018 20:53

You don’t want a stranger, who your sister herself has only known for three weeks, at your intimate wedding? YADBU!

Antigon · 19/10/2018 20:55

@Tinkobell

RTFT. The sister is travelling home for good.

TwoBlueFish · 19/10/2018 20:55

I had a very small wedding, parents and siblings for me and parent and 3 friends for my DH. Probably 25 people total (including us and kids). One of the friends brought a plus one who we hadn’t met, it wasn’t awkward at all.

Jlynhope · 19/10/2018 21:00

I don't think it would be awkward at all. Presumably you will have met him by then anyways. I would say yes because they'll either break up before then or be serious in which case it will be right for him to be there.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 19/10/2018 21:03

I'd just say a firm "No" and keep on repeating it. It's your wedding, it's already bigger than you'd like and she has known him less than a month. But most of all, you don't want to invite him. So don't. You don't need a reason, nobody has a right to an invite.
My wedding was a slightly extreme example, but it started out as half a dozen people and ended up with 250! And the thin end of the wedge was just one family member wanting a plus one. Then everyone heard that they'd got it, and they wanted one, and on it went...

ashtrayheart · 19/10/2018 21:03

If you invite him then others may complain that their plus one is not invited. I would stick to your guns !

DaisyYellow · 19/10/2018 21:04

Quite often I think brides go a bit Bridezilla over the arrangements, but it’s perfectly reasonable to not want a complete stranger, who your sister didn’t even know four weeks ago, at your wedding. I do sometimes think people are, for want of a better word, stingy with regards to plus ones, but this is such a small wedding and your sisters relationship is so very new, that I think it’s a bit cheeky of her to ask. I would try to keep your response light and I wouldn’t mention the money side of things, she would possibly just think you didn’t want to invite him because you were being tight.

Azure83 · 19/10/2018 21:09

It would be a 'no' from me.
A few years ago a very close friend was getting married, not a small wedding but limited seating. Dh and I were only dating for a month or so when she was finalising guest list & sending invites. I knew he was 'the one' and we were making plans to go to other weddings that summer but that particular friend hasn't even met dh yet and as I said, space was very limited. It would've been nice to get a +1 but I understood completely why he wasn't invited.

EK36 · 19/10/2018 21:13

Just say no otherwise he will be in your photos!

timeisnotaline · 19/10/2018 21:16

They will have been together for a year by then. So I can see her standing there quite bitter that her partner isn’t there. I’d say yes and make it clear it’s on that front, not a standing plus one invite in case she has 6 boyfriends between now and the wedding.