Or is my sister a CF?

[Jess910]

Currently planning a VERY small wedding - as in small register office job with a few people, and a few more people for a small tea in the afternoon.

I would have preferred to invite no one (tbh I'm not keen on most of my family anyway), but I get on well with DP's family and his mum made it known she'd be very upset if she wasn't invited so I felt guilty.

I've spent agggges researching into how to do this on a small budget. Atter a lot of research, we have settled on a buffet tea after the register office with a view to invite most people just to this rather than the ceremony. This costs about £35 per person, plus money for booze etc. We also have to pay £100 venue cost.

We have a guest list of 15 people, this is parents, siblings, grandparents, and a couple of uncles (only the ones we are close to). We am not inviting cousins, extended family, friends, or plus ones (boyfriends, girlfriends of guests).

I haven't sent the invites yet, but my family know it's next summer.

Getting on to the subject of the thread, my sister is currently living in New Zealand, and has been seeing a new man for about 3 weeks. She says they are now a couple, and she's pretty head over heels with him. Fine, good for her.

But now she messages me and asks if he can come to the wedding. I said it's small and even extended family aren't coming, she says she's already asked him to be her plus one. She then says I would really like him. Maybe so, but I don't want a stranger at my small, intimate wedding, especially when we are paying per head. I don't want to be crass and make it about money, but these costs are all adding up and I don't know him!

Am I being mean/miserable or is she a CF? Are plus ones just expected nowadays? How do I handle this without awkwardness?

Photos. My ex sil came to a family wedding in a white dress. So not only is she in every family portrait, she stand still out like a sore thumb!

We know now they were already separated but just hadn’t told us yet - which might explain the white dress!!

There will be a good chance that people in family wedding snaps will not be in the family forever. Make sure you get some photos without him

I'd say yes now to keep the peace. We had this as well, bil wanted to invite someone he fancied to our wedding and basically said he'd not come if she couldn't be there. I'll never forgive him.

I met her for 30 minutes a week before the wedding, on the day and once afterwards. 

Surely a grown man can spend a half day being a tourist while his partner attends a wedding? You can meet him any other day they are over.

Since they will both be in the country by then, I would tell her you think at 3 weeks it’s too early to tell but you’ll see closer to the wedding, if they are still together and once you’ve met him. She’s your sister so it’s possible, if they’re still together next year, that you’re talking about a BiL to be. That’s worth a) getting to know him for and b) 35 quid.

If he is British and they will both be in the country by then I would say no unless things have progressed and they are still together maybe planning a future together. At 3 weeks I don't think it is worth making an issue of it now. Just say you will decide nearer the time. Adding one more to the catering won't make any difference with a buffet and you may have met him by then.

£35 a head for yes it's quite a lot. We did registry office and small afternoon tea as the legal bit before we had our big wedding abroad. The initial plan was parents, sibling and grandparents only then go for lunch. MIL invited all of DHs aunts and uncles and cousins, do then I had to invite mine. We ended up with 45 people. We hired a very pretty village hall, decorated it in a vintagey way, bunting, floral cake stands, pretty paper plates, wooden cutlery etc, bought cases of prosecco from Tesco when it was on offer, and bought platters of cakes, sandwiches, wraps, scones, clotted cream etc from costco as well as a big centre piece cake. Borrowed teapots from various people, it was so pretty, lots of people commented on how nicely done it was. It cost around £250-£300 and we had more guests than you and there was food and drink left over.

Thing is, once you invite one plus one, you open the floodgates.

she says she's already asked him to be her plus one .

After seeing him three weeks, for a small family wedding next year? She is mightily presumptuous and therefore, a CF.

If I were him, I'd be thinking too keen, too soon.

Are any of your other guests (especially your or your STB DH's siblings) bringing plus ones? If so is there some line like live with, been with for years, friends with them too type thing?

I just think if others have +1s it's hard to leave her new fella out, but if no one else has them then it would be unfair to invite this guy who's been around for a few weeks and not other's.

I can understand what you're going through. My small intimate family wedding is getting bigger and bigger.

"I haven't sent the invites yet, but my family know it's next summer."

So your wedding is about 9 month away. Your sister could be in a very committed relationship with this man by then (and you are likely to be aware of the situation, well in advance of your wedding, either way). She may even getting married herself a year from now. How would you feel if she doesn't want to invite your husband?

I understand the cost factor, but I would invite him, perhaps asking her to help with his cost if it makes a significant difference to your budget. Just, as a PP said, make it clear that the invitation is for this one committed relationship, not for one of half a dozen casual boyfriends between now and then.

Duh. How could one forget the cardinal 'don't invite anyone who has ever been on holiday or had a life to your wedding' rule?

It's great to hear about your loved ones holidays (sometimes), but who wants to risk getting a strangers life story at their very small family wedding?

Anyway, point is - she doesn't want him there. It doesn't matter why. It's her wedding.

If she is still with him in a year then surely the family should be getting to know him, not excluding him from family weddings. I could never be so rude as to tell my sister that she could not bring her partner t my wedding. And if I was told that, I wouldn’t go, sister or not.