To not want to be around nasty MIL?

[justasecond60]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 with and 11 month old DS. DH's mum has always been a nasty cow to me, and I simply do not understand it as I have never done anything to her and have always been loving and faithful to my DH. She has another DIL who she is perfectly fine with, though I suspect it may be as she has been friends with DIL's mother since their children were babies. She got particularly horrible after I had DS, and has even suggested to my DH in confidence that he should get a DNA test done on our baby because she thinks he looks mixed race and we are both white! It is absolutely ridiculous, I've not slept with anyone other than DH since we got together and I can't believe that she thinks I'm such a slapper (yes, she has said it). DH unfortunately always defends her, he doesn't agree with her claims about me and DS but he has a lot of guilt over her. He says he was extremely vile to her as a teenager and that contributed to her attempting suicide when he was 16, so he does not want to argue with her and spent most of his adulthood so far trying to have a great relationship with her to make up for it. The only thing he has done in response to her snipes at me was "have a quiet word" with her which doesn't change anything.

I am reaching my wits ends and I just want to completely withdraw from his family but he insists that I attend family events with him and DS. Last Saturday we were at Pizza Express with me, DH, our DS, MIL, her other DS and other DS's wife and daughter for the daughter's 8th birthday. She spent the whole meal complaining about DS's nappy. About half an hour in she commented about how I need to go to the bathroom and change him because it was putting her off her food. I knew for a fact that his nappy was clean, he'd been sat on my knee the whole time and I would have felt something, and I would have been able to smell it which I couldn't. I reluctantly took DS to the bathroom, knowing full well that he would be clean (he was), changed his nappy and took him back to the table. 10 minutes later, she commented again and even had the nerve to say "What on earth are you feeding that baby?". So, I took him to the bathroom again and hid in there for a couple of minutes, not even bothering to change him as I knew he was still clean. I came back, acting as if I'd changed him again hoping she'd stop. Of course she did it again while we were eating dessert, and began passively aggressively telling me that I need to change his diet. I rushed to the bathroom and cried as it was clear she was winding me up. She knew full well he was clean and even the rest of the family kept telling her that they couldn't smell anything, but she just had to take any opportunity to get at me.

Me and DH left early, because he could see I was distressed. We didn't hear from any of the family until yesterday, when his mother got in contact to give a half hearted apology (she does this often, it's never genuine) and to ask us to go to the Netherland's with her for a week around Christmas with her other DC's in a holiday cottage. DH is annoyed with me as I don't want to go, and has been quite snappy with me telling me that we are both as bad as each other. Should I really be expected to spend a week around this horrible woman and have her call me a shit mother 24/7?

What an awful woman. I thought I had problems

I've not slept with anyone other than DH since we got together

Why are you even trying to justify her accusations? You don't need to. You really don't.

Tell your DH you aren't going. Tell him you won't enjoy it because HE allows HIS mother to belittle you and bully you.

Tell him not to come back

Bless you OP, what a vile bitch she is. As everyone else has said...don't go! I would not have got up all those times to change the baby. You must have the patience of a saint. I would have seriously lost the plot with her by now. Sit them both down and tell the bitch, she either respects you or she loses access to her grandchild. You really do have a DH problem. I get he has had it tough, but he has to stand by you, or ship out. Good luck. X

Stay well clear of MIL at Christmas. If your DH wants to go then let him go on his own. The best thing to do at Christmas is often to stockpile food and drinks, turn on the central heating and simply stay at home with the kids.

When our children were young we often made a lot of effort to travel and spend time with parents and in laws. We did this so that they could enjoy their GC, without having to put themselves out too much. My parents and in laws did not like to travel far from home and seemed to expect us to visit them.

Eventually we came to the conclusion that Christmas was more fun for our kids in our own home. We invited the outlaws and the inlaws to visit and surprisingly they did not put themselves out to do this.

The reason you are around MiL is because of DH either he stops his DM from this behaviour or you are not going to put yourself through it.

No holidaying together. Your next contact is xmas for a couple of hours not the whole day and if that goes well you’ll consider Easter.

Your DH needs to love you enough do something to ensure that you are not put in these situations. You and DS are a joint package. If she wants to see DGS then she needs not to upset you.

Reading this made me feel so angry! What a vile woman and DH needs to grow a pair. You're put up with a lot from her already and he really needs to stick up for you properly. He seems to think he's to blame for her problems, I'm very doubtful this is really the case, I think you need to get to the bottom of why he's so wrapped round her little finger

I hope that you are ok OP! This thread has really stuck with me, especially having been through similar. I know it is hard hearing that your DH is the problem, unfortunately unless your DH defends you and your baby, then this vile, nasty woman will continue to abuse you and your baby boy.

I hope that the responses have given you the strength to stand up to your DH and refuse to allow your MIL anywhere near you or your little one!

Do you actually know about Christmas in the Netherlands? They have two of them. TWO! First and Second Christmas, where you all sit around all day, stuffing your face. There is nothing else to do and nowhere to go because everything is closed. It would be HELL! Don’t go. Is she Dutch? I lived there for years? They are really great at saying “We’re not rude, we’re direct!” Or “We’re just being honest....” to justify the most horrifyingly rude things you’ve ever heard! Ditto the racism stuff... they’re not racist, they’re “Tolerant”. Don’t know how they actually justify that one, but I have never experienced more open racism in my life than when I lived there. (And I am a typical blue-eyed blonde. I expect they assumed I was racist too. 🤮) Anyway, the MIL is a HUGE issue there according to my Dutch female friends. The Dutch guys seem to be all giant man babies. Thank god mine’s an Aussie and is independent and knows where the laundry is, etc. I would just disengage from MIL’s games and do what I wanted and make sure that DH knew that she was his rot enjoy from now on.

This woman is a bully, and she'll go on being a bully until you stand up for yourself. She would hardly have been able to force you to change your DS's nappy; next time just say, 'He's fine' and ignore her, and then she'll be the one who looks like an idiot.

Sometimes it's easier than we think it's going to be to say no. My DM has always been very bossy, and interfered in my parenting, made comments about my weight and the clothes I wear. Now that I've gone low contact with her and shut down discussion, she's backed off. She doesn't have the power to force me to do anything, as I'm an adult and I'm the mum to my DDs and not her.

You need to realise that there's nothing this woman can actually force you to do. It's your DH you need to get on board, he needs to learn to stand up to his mum. It's a hard habit to break but it can be done.

Just stick to your guns about not going on that holiday!

You've had great advice here, OP. Take it.

It won't be pleasant and obviously, life would be much easier if this woman wasn't so horrible, but she is and she's never going to change.

Make your decision now to make your life happier by cutting her out as much as possible. No one needs that kind of shit. It's damaging.

Good luck.

I’d start audibly sniffing when near her and making a wincing face.

Op, could you show your dh this thread? She sounds awful. This isn't going to get better without you taking some sort of action I'm afraid. My mil has the odd crazy moment but does stuff on the sly/more subtly. Sounds like other members of this family can also see what's going on at least.

Don't go on holiday.

Tell dh why.

Tell MIL why.

Sihhest dh get counselling or you go together.

You are not the problem and he needs to be able to understand that. You are not as bad as each other! Whatever happened in the past he needs to lay that butfrn down.

You could go low or no contact. I'm on favour of low because it might be easier to maintain family links to dbil/dsil and dfil (you've not said how dfil acts).

Could any of the om laws be an ally for you. E.g. explain to her she will lose contact with grandson, or would that not bother her?

Please. OP protect yourself! Your dh is not respecting or protecting you.

Fuck no you and your child shouldn't have to spend a moment's time more with her ever.

www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/

You'll find a lot of support there too.

Explain to your husband that you are not going to see his family again. He can take your child to see them sometimes, but you won't be going. If he wants to go on holiday with them, he can go on his own.
He may sulk, but he will get over it.

Echoing what Caledonian said. This is extremely serious for your ds ‘s protection. Please protect him from this abuse.

Don't go. It will be hell and not a fun Christmas for your poor ds or you.
Just say no and tell DH it's not negotiable.
Mil needs to back off. She sounds horribly manipulative and a bit ill tbh.
Most teenagers are vile to their parents sometimes. Mine were and I didn't attempt suicide nor hold it against them now they are adults.
DH really needs to see he is not to blame. He was 16, a child who behaved badly. She needed to parent and not guilt trip him for the rest of his life and try to stop you being a happy family.
Her accusations about you and ds are laughable and hopefully make dh realise what a sick nasty woman she is.

How has the invitation been issued? Ideally I’d want to reply to a group email saying “no thanks MIL, you couldn’t manage to tolerate a baby for a few hours over lunch. I wouldn’t enjoy a whole week of that”.

Ah OP this sounds awful. I really feel for you. First of all YANBU to not go on the trip.

I just wanted to pick up on something else you said, about MIL attempting suicide because of your DH behaviour. This sounds like a horrendous thing to experience and I am sure there is a complex backstory but for her to make him feel accountable for that is terrible. I very much doubt he is. Neither of you are responsible for her (un)happiness.

Absolutely not. No way in hell. I'd be making DH know why this isn't acceptable and if he wants to make the relationship work, then he can go.

Also, holiday cottage in NL in winter? NO. But if you're in the ones near the Efterling (theme park) then message me and I'll drive the escape vehicle and you can stay with us!

Next time she starts that sort of shit tell DH it is his turn to check and eat your meal. She ruined every course for you while he sat there.

You have a massive DH problem. He hasn't got your back. This will only get worse.

Do not go on the trip. You will be a captive target.

OP agreed - don't go!

Is she Dutch? I lived there for years? They are really great at saying “We’re not rude, we’re direct!” Or “We’re just being honest....” to justify the most horrifyingly rude things you’ve ever heard! ... Anyway, the MIL is a HUGE issue there according to my Dutch female friends. The Dutch guys seem to be all giant man babies.

justilou I did have to laugh! That "directness". Extraordinary isn't it? absolutely extraordinary. You learn to give back what you get, up to a point anyway, I can't bring myself to be as 'blunt' as them.

Mind you mine isn't a man-baby, he really pulls his weight.

@SeaEagle- You have pulled off a miracle then! I was utterly gobsmacked watching supposedly intelligent, strong, liberated, Dutch women doing everything and more for their giant, entitled man-babies!

hm, it did take a while to train him tbh. He did start off treating me as if I was his mother. He really pulls his weight now tho. My health is poor tho so he kinda had to shape up or ship out.

Amazing, @Seaeagle!!! (Hope you have good days too!!!)