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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be around nasty MIL?

100 replies

justasecond60 · 19/10/2018 14:54

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 with and 11 month old DS. DH's mum has always been a nasty cow to me, and I simply do not understand it as I have never done anything to her and have always been loving and faithful to my DH. She has another DIL who she is perfectly fine with, though I suspect it may be as she has been friends with DIL's mother since their children were babies. She got particularly horrible after I had DS, and has even suggested to my DH in confidence that he should get a DNA test done on our baby because she thinks he looks mixed race and we are both white! It is absolutely ridiculous, I've not slept with anyone other than DH since we got together and I can't believe that she thinks I'm such a slapper (yes, she has said it). DH unfortunately always defends her, he doesn't agree with her claims about me and DS but he has a lot of guilt over her. He says he was extremely vile to her as a teenager and that contributed to her attempting suicide when he was 16, so he does not want to argue with her and spent most of his adulthood so far trying to have a great relationship with her to make up for it. The only thing he has done in response to her snipes at me was "have a quiet word" with her which doesn't change anything.

I am reaching my wits ends and I just want to completely withdraw from his family but he insists that I attend family events with him and DS. Last Saturday we were at Pizza Express with me, DH, our DS, MIL, her other DS and other DS's wife and daughter for the daughter's 8th birthday. She spent the whole meal complaining about DS's nappy. About half an hour in she commented about how I need to go to the bathroom and change him because it was putting her off her food. I knew for a fact that his nappy was clean, he'd been sat on my knee the whole time and I would have felt something, and I would have been able to smell it which I couldn't. I reluctantly took DS to the bathroom, knowing full well that he would be clean (he was), changed his nappy and took him back to the table. 10 minutes later, she commented again and even had the nerve to say "What on earth are you feeding that baby?". So, I took him to the bathroom again and hid in there for a couple of minutes, not even bothering to change him as I knew he was still clean. I came back, acting as if I'd changed him again hoping she'd stop. Of course she did it again while we were eating dessert, and began passively aggressively telling me that I need to change his diet. I rushed to the bathroom and cried as it was clear she was winding me up. She knew full well he was clean and even the rest of the family kept telling her that they couldn't smell anything, but she just had to take any opportunity to get at me.

Me and DH left early, because he could see I was distressed. We didn't hear from any of the family until yesterday, when his mother got in contact to give a half hearted apology (she does this often, it's never genuine) and to ask us to go to the Netherland's with her for a week around Christmas with her other DC's in a holiday cottage. DH is annoyed with me as I don't want to go, and has been quite snappy with me telling me that we are both as bad as each other. Should I really be expected to spend a week around this horrible woman and have her call me a shit mother 24/7?

OP posts:

Blatherskite · 19/10/2018 15:48

Whoever said the rhyme did the crime tilly

FannyFanjo · 19/10/2018 15:49

Enough is enough. Cut off all contact and do not let this toxic bitch anywhere near you or your child

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2018 15:49

I honestly couldn't be with a man who thinks it's ok for someone to treat his wife in this manner.
You obviously have the patience of a saint. But you need to step away from the MIL for your own sanity. And at the dinner, I would be loudly telling her every single time that he was clean and there was no need AGAIN to change a perfectly clean nappy.

tiredgirly · 19/10/2018 15:50

guilt tripping her son to think it was his fault that she tried to commit suicide is cruel
Telling your 16 year old he’s responsible for his mother suicide attempt!

eh? are you guys reading a different OP to me? She said her DH feels responsible, it does not say his mother said that he was

IamDrWho · 19/10/2018 15:51

I have spent many years having a MIL who could be described as difficult.

My advice - kill with kindness and make an active decision to not let her comments affect you - it is a choice :-) Over time see less and less often

Juells · 19/10/2018 15:51

Haha what blatherskite said - suggest she see a doctor as she may be having a stroke.

TBH I wouldn't bother dealing with her, I'd cut all contact.

Hidillyho · 19/10/2018 15:53

So he’s happy to put his mums feelings ahead of yours because of something in the past. Absolutely put your foot down to say you are not going and DS will not be going either. He actually cannot he seriously saying that you are as bad as his mum?
Out of interest, why didn’t you get DP to change him? I can’t see that he would have got up multiple times through the meal to change a nappy that didn’t require changing and would have just told his mum so

Missingstreetlife · 19/10/2018 15:54

Say no, and tell her why. When she can behave you might consider a short outing. Your oh can take the baby to see her, why should you bother.

Elephant14 · 19/10/2018 15:54

You don't have a MiL problem, you have DH problem, and quite a serious one. I see there are some lighthearted replies but I think this is a nasty accident waiting to happen, she's just going to ramp this up as years go on and your DH's attitude is damaging him as well as your relationship.

Obviously you will have to think how far you want to take this but I would be very worried about the future. Maybe counselling? Or may you just tell him he needs to get help and in the meantime you will go NC with her.

RoboticMary · 19/10/2018 15:56

God almighty, she sounds absolutely vile.

I’m an easygoing person, but if my MIL had the nerve to treat me that - I don’t know if there’d be any going back. Dreadful behaviour on her part. Like hell would I be joining her on that trip. No fucking way.

FinallytheneedforaNC · 19/10/2018 15:58

Sounds like my MIL.

Do not go. Do not spend time with her, do not entertain lunch of dinner plans, do not share holidays. Say no and tell your husband that for the sake of your mental wellbeing, you will always politely decline these invitations.

OP, I know it's difficult but you need to shut this shit down fast. She's a narc and your husband defo has FOG.

You will need to have a calm but extensive conversations with your husband over a long time to help him realise that her behaviour is not normal and he needs to seek help. Counselling, talking therapies, there are even groups around where I live. These are helpful.

As for MIL - I suggest you avoid her like the plague and tell your husband to have a great time sustaining their relationship. You are allowed to "check out" of it.

Be consistent, don't buckle and good luck

Leeds2 · 19/10/2018 16:01

I wouldn't go on the holiday. You will have a thoroughly miserable time. If DH wants to go by himself, he can do but he absolutely cannot insist that you and DS go with him (or indeed go to any other family events).

sue51 · 19/10/2018 16:06

I know your DS is only a baby but sooner or later he is bound to pick up on mils negative attitude towards him. I would say hell no and keep my children away from this toxic woman.

Tortoisecharlie · 19/10/2018 16:08

I’ve had terrible trouble with my ILs so much so I’m leaving my DH. He has said he’s ‘just stuck in the middle’ too. I’ve been really clear with him and you should too. It’s your DH you need to really get straight or this could get worse.

Tell him what exactly is your fault?
Tell him you’ve done nothing.
Tell him this is his mother bullying you. It is not a personality difference.

Do not stop saying these things until he gets it into his head. Go to counseling if need be.

Then come to an agreement. You go to family events. Your DH defends every dig. If not, you will. You will leave with DS if it gets too much.

DH will not go round to MILs alone with your child.

Froglette16 · 19/10/2018 16:12

Next time you’re in a group and MIL asks if your baby has filled his nappy, ask her directly whether her Tena Lady pads are working. Best of luck to you. Such people are toxic 🌷🌷🌷

CantWaitToRetire · 19/10/2018 16:12

After you'd been and changed your DS for the first time in the restaurant (unnecessarily), and she insisted on the second change, you should have plonked DS on DH's lap and said "your turn to clean the invisible poo away".

Seriously though, this needs to be stopped now because it will only get worse. If she sees she's upsetting you she'll ramp up her efforts. I agree with PP that your DH could do with some counselling to deal with the guilt he feels about his experiences as a teenager, and he needs to be supporting you and standing up for you.

Please don't agree to the trip, it will be an absolute nightmare and you can't as easily leave when she starts on you.

Goldmandra · 19/10/2018 16:14

He needs to understand that people don't try to take their own lives because their teenaged son is behaving badly. If they are making a serious attempt it is because they are mentally ill.

He sounds scared of being made responsible for another attempt so he's trying to make you tiptoe around her as much as he does.

I agree with the suggestions of counselling. Maybe you could do some sessions with Relate to help him understand that he doesn't owe his mother a lifetime of servitude, never mind you.

If he suggests that you are as bad as her again, ask him very calmly to expand on that. If he tries to put it into words, he may realise how ridiculous that statement is.

legofriendly · 19/10/2018 16:15

You should tell her that she ought to go to the doctors and have tests. Smelling something that isn’t there can be a sign of all sorts of conditions. Tell her you humoured her by pretending to change the clean nanny but that you’ve thought about it since and decided to tell her because you are worried.

Discuss with all other members of the family first so when she says others smelt it also you can say you have spoken to them and they didn’t and they too are worried.

Do not go on that trip. Tell DH that he can go alone nicely and you will be thee when he gets back or nastily in which case you won’t be. His choice.

legofriendly · 19/10/2018 16:16

nappy not nanny

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/10/2018 16:17

OP stop being so nice and accommodating...stand up cause an unholy row and tell her to F**k Off once and for all x It is what she deserves...done right you will only need to do it the once...Get the old bag out of your life and if your husband wants to see her then off he goes to hers..you dont deserve sorry she doesnt deserve to be in yours...she is clearly warped...go on cause a scene put her right in her place..you will feel heaps better if you get it off your chest! x

ASimpleLampoon · 19/10/2018 16:18

I wouldn't bother with the nasty cow at all.

She's a bully and you don't have to put up with this.

Stand up to her . Bullies act this way because people try to be nice.

Don't be nice. Tell her to fuck off. maybe not in those exact words, but not in so many words if you prefer.

But don't take any more of her shit. Good luck and hugs to you, OP!

nokidshere · 19/10/2018 16:20

If my in-laws upset me (actually come to think of it he has by commenting on my weight in the past) I expect my husband to shut him up

If I had a problem with my in laws I would shut them up.

Don't wait for your husband to do it for you. Speak to your MIL, on the phone if you can't say it in person, tell her you are appalled at the way she is treating you and you are not going to put up with it anymore. Ask her to get in touch when she feels able to be civil and/or friendly to you but until then she won't be seeing you again.

And mean it.

If your husband kicks off just repeat the same to him and then refuse to discuss until such time as mil feels able to treat you properly.

eggsandwich · 19/10/2018 16:23

I wonder if your Mil is taking it out on you how your dh treated her when he was a teenager, it seems like pent up anger and resentment and unfortunately your the nearest and next best thing to him.

Put your foot down and say if you want to go to Netherland with her then I’m not stopping you, but our son and myself will be going no where, after all why would you when you know whats going to happen.

If he doesn’t like it tough your an adult allowed to make your own decisions and maybe if he had your corner you might think otherwise.

MrsStrowman · 19/10/2018 16:27

She sounds like a nightmare, but you also have a DH problem, if she ever does anything like that again, hand baby to DH and he can deal with the non existent problem, or suggest that maybe it's her own flatulence she can smell. Do not go on that trip it will be horrific.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/10/2018 16:29

Also to add if your husband does go on the trip and leaves you and your kids at christmas then you know exactly where you stand with him too...If my hsband refused to protect me from abuse the kind you have to suffer then he wouldnt remain my husband either...its time he stepped up and made a choice too guilt or no guilt and if he chooses his mother then you get to choose to be free of all of them...time to get tough lovely lady and protect your own kids from this witch too. Dont let her destroy them cos she will ....

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