To not want to be around nasty MIL?

[justasecond60]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 with and 11 month old DS. DH's mum has always been a nasty cow to me, and I simply do not understand it as I have never done anything to her and have always been loving and faithful to my DH. She has another DIL who she is perfectly fine with, though I suspect it may be as she has been friends with DIL's mother since their children were babies. She got particularly horrible after I had DS, and has even suggested to my DH in confidence that he should get a DNA test done on our baby because she thinks he looks mixed race and we are both white! It is absolutely ridiculous, I've not slept with anyone other than DH since we got together and I can't believe that she thinks I'm such a slapper (yes, she has said it). DH unfortunately always defends her, he doesn't agree with her claims about me and DS but he has a lot of guilt over her. He says he was extremely vile to her as a teenager and that contributed to her attempting suicide when he was 16, so he does not want to argue with her and spent most of his adulthood so far trying to have a great relationship with her to make up for it. The only thing he has done in response to her snipes at me was "have a quiet word" with her which doesn't change anything.

I am reaching my wits ends and I just want to completely withdraw from his family but he insists that I attend family events with him and DS. Last Saturday we were at Pizza Express with me, DH, our DS, MIL, her other DS and other DS's wife and daughter for the daughter's 8th birthday. She spent the whole meal complaining about DS's nappy. About half an hour in she commented about how I need to go to the bathroom and change him because it was putting her off her food. I knew for a fact that his nappy was clean, he'd been sat on my knee the whole time and I would have felt something, and I would have been able to smell it which I couldn't. I reluctantly took DS to the bathroom, knowing full well that he would be clean (he was), changed his nappy and took him back to the table. 10 minutes later, she commented again and even had the nerve to say "What on earth are you feeding that baby?". So, I took him to the bathroom again and hid in there for a couple of minutes, not even bothering to change him as I knew he was still clean. I came back, acting as if I'd changed him again hoping she'd stop. Of course she did it again while we were eating dessert, and began passively aggressively telling me that I need to change his diet. I rushed to the bathroom and cried as it was clear she was winding me up. She knew full well he was clean and even the rest of the family kept telling her that they couldn't smell anything, but she just had to take any opportunity to get at me.

Me and DH left early, because he could see I was distressed. We didn't hear from any of the family until yesterday, when his mother got in contact to give a half hearted apology (she does this often, it's never genuine) and to ask us to go to the Netherland's with her for a week around Christmas with her other DC's in a holiday cottage. DH is annoyed with me as I don't want to go, and has been quite snappy with me telling me that we are both as bad as each other. Should I really be expected to spend a week around this horrible woman and have her call me a shit mother 24/7?

Your MIL is an evil, narcissistic racist! She clearly is disgusted by her own grandson and I am absolutely disgusted that your dh would allow his Mother to treat you and even more importantly your son that way!

Your little one does not deserve this treatment, as he gets older, he will realise that his Zgrandmother hates him and his Mummy and that Zdaddy thinks it’s ok for her to do it! Your child does not deserve this kind of treatment and neither do you!

I would go NC! I would tell your DH that you will not stand by and allow his Mother to treat your baby like he is a disgusting creature! You will not allow her to continue to be nasty and toxic to you and your baby. Unless he stands up for you, then throw him out! You have to protect your baby from that sociopath and her disgusting abuse! If he refuses to protect your son then you need to protect your ds from your dh too. I would end my marriage and insist on supervised contact if your husband refuses to defend you and your baby.

I suggest that you read the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and if your Husband actually stands up to protect you both then I would suggest he read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I also recommend looking up narcissistic Mothers and Mother in laws.

Unfortunately I have been through similar and my dh stood up for me and our dc. We have been NC with his family for 6 years and blissfully happy since making that decision!

Where was your DH while all this was going on?! I'd have said to him, you have a look/change him etc. Don't give in to this bullshit. She's winding you up and succeeding. Pull her up on it. Every single time.

Your DH has to support you on this. I can't believe he just allows his DM to treat you like this?! Bizarre.

Send your H back to her, he doesn't respect you.

Iam DrWho has it , my MIL was horrific (used to refer to me as "that tart"and "the scarlet woman") she never came to our wedding and wouldn't let FIL come either.
She would wait until DH was out of the room then mutter insults to me under her breath.
I was not bothered by it in fact I used to find it amusing in its way as it was so blatant, I used to smile indulgently at her and say "lovely to see you again" when we left.
Took about 3 years but she gave up in the end when she realised she wasn't upsetting me, and we had a polite vaguely cordial relationship after that.

Op she is not worth your angst, if she wants to know why you don't want to go to the Netherlands with her say because you don't want to spend a week dealing with her hostility towards you, said , of course very calmly and in front of everyone. I would imagine that the rest of the family have noticed her behaviour and attitude towards you and are probably waiting for you to either ignore or bite back.

Although the Netherlands is a lovely country, I went in December once and it was jolly cold with winds straight off the North Sea, so you would want to stay indoors all the time.

Being cooped up in a holiday cottage (I just know MIL would be in the master bedroom with ensuite while you and your DH would be either in the smallest bedroom furthest away from the bathroom or worse still on the sofa bed in the living room) with people who do not hide their dislike of you would be a nightmare.

You would have to cart all the baby paraphernalia with you, worry about feeding/bath and making sure your toddler were safe all the time and never know when MIL would kick off about nappy whiffs!

The others would go out eating and drinking (or worse still smoking wacky baccy) in the evening while you were stuck in the cottage with your baby.

If WW3 erupted you would be stuck there.

No - stay at home and have some peace while they are away!

I'd have tackled this head-on by now, even if it ultimately cost me my marriage.

With regard to the holiday I'd have on question for my 'd'h:

Why do you think I ought to spend a week with a woman who insults me, belittles me in public and very obviously detests me?

If need be Id follow it up with:

Do you really think that your difficult teenage years give your mother carte blanche to bully me?

You have a serious DH problem, he has a very severe case of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Oh and isn't olfactory dysfunction an indicator of Parkinson's disease?

WW3 = MIL going apeshit

Do not go. Tell your DH that he needs to see a professional and the next time you MIL makes a comment about your DS's clean nappy tell her there is the bag and the changing room is over there.

Ask him how you are as bad as each other. What does he think you have done to her?

I wonder if he was particularly vile when he was younger - especially to the point of driving her to attempt suicide?! Maybe she's been playing mind games with him all his life and doesn't appreciate him having a life outside of her? Maybe he's the golden child and she wants him all to herself. Or maybe she can't stand him and wants to break his family up? But I would guess that this whole mess started before you were in the picture.

And don't kill her with kindness. Kill her by cutting off her access to mess with you.

I agree with Andro. You do have a DH problem. And unless he seeks counselling he is never going to change. Your MiL absolutely will never change and it looks like the rest of the family back her up too.

Is this how you want to live your life? Is this the life you want for your DS?

You need to make your DH see that he has to choose. He either gets help and backs you with his mother or you're out of there.

A holiday with this woman?? HAHAHAHA what planet is your DH living on? No way!

I think you need to sit your DH down and tell him that you have no intention of putting up with his mother's treatment of you anymore and that he has four choices; 1-he tells her in no uncertain terms to mend her ways, 2-he understands that you will no longer bridle your tongue and he can deal with the fallout from her, 3-you will no longer be around her, nor will your child(ren) effective immediately and he can explain it to her, or 4- he can leave and go live with her.

I was very lucky in my MiL as she was an angel. But it was also her opinion that a spouse's first loyalty is to their spouse not their parent. The only time we had a spat and he went to her, she sent him back to me with a flea in his ear about disloyalty and told him that we needed to work it out ourselves.

Your family is you and the baby. I'd be considering whether dh is worth it to associate with his bitch of a mother.

"DH unfortunately always defends her"

"and that contributed to her attempting suicide when he was 16"

These are the problem!

1 he is NOT responsible for her suicide attempt - that is down to her and I'd be strongly recommending he get counselling.

2 you're going to get nowhere until you have his support.

He is deep in FOG I strongly suspect she is a martyr narcissist. As is my mother. Particularly difficult to deal with I think, as with other narcissist types there is more "obvious" nastiness even to the people in your dh's position.

He needs therapy with someone who REALLY understands npd and toxic families.

Also highly likely other DIL is seen as OK because other son is golden child, and your dh scapegoat and your being the "bad" DIL is simply her extending his role as scapegoat to you and your DS (nope not even kidding about DS)

Frankly in your position I'd be keeping DS the hell away from her!

Like hell would I be going on that holiday! Her behaviour at the meal was fucking disgusting! And your dh knows this!

You and dh should look at this site

outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/histrionic-personality-disorder-hpd

Personally I'd have left the meal after the 2nd time she started the nappy nonsense and told dh if he knew what was good for him he'd leave too!

But I'm mostly the other end of the fog now. Plus age means you get less tolerant of other people's bullshit!

Women also are far too socialised to be "nice" in my case it's my parents are toxic and my ex pretty early on had no reservations in not accepting their crap and being clear he expected me to back him up when they were being shitty - which was bloody hard and felt like he was being unreasonable at the time but he was right (for once 😂).

TiredGirly those of us assessing the mil has made him feel guilty for her suicide attempt are probably like me well experienced in dealing with this type of personality (hers). This is classic use of guilt to control.

"Your oh can take the baby to see her, why should you bother." With this particular mil I would recommend NOT doing this, she's already been extremely derogatory to the child - questioning its paternity, decrying it as "dirty and smelly" and with the paternity stuff I suspect she's racist too. Like fuck would a child of mine be dealing with that! She doesn't FULLY accept the child as her grandchild and treats them literally like dirt? Doesn't get a relationship with them!

Acrossthepond - my exmil similar, our first spat after marrying (his laziness round the house) she gave him 2 bollockings!

1 for the laziness "G is not your unpaid maid pick up your own shit! You're an adult?"

2 "and don't be a bloody tell tale! I'm not having you on the phone every time you don't get your own way!" 😂miss her in my life she was ace!

Don’t go. She’s not done with you. She will keep at it because she is a bully. A well-timed “fuck off, Marge” will make you feel better. Then go low contact and be ruthless about it.

This woman is bullying you OP and unless you show her your teeth or go no contact this will only get worse. You need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you are not going to tolerate this anymore and you are definitely not going to spend Christmas with her. He doesn't have to fall out with her if he can't face it but he can't expect you or your son to tolerate this. I know it's hard but you really need to do this sweetie for your own sanity. xx

'guilt tripping her son to think it was his fault that she tried to commit suicide is cruel
Telling your 16 year old he’s responsible for his mother suicide attempt!'*
*
'eh? are you guys reading a different OP to me? She said her DH feels responsible, it does not say his mother said that he was'

I don't think a 16 year old boy would think this was the case without his DM telling him this was the case
*
OP*, you really shouldn't feel that you have to go on holiday with that horrible woman. In fact, I think you and your DH should go NC with her, and it's not something I would ever say lightly. She's toxic and she'll damage your DS in the long run.

Holiday? He must be out of his mind. If MIL treated me like that, she would be very lucky if she even got to see the grandkids. Ever.

You have a DH problem, but you also need to grow a spine. When MIL complains about nappy, just sniff DS's butt and say, no, it's fine. Next time she complains, hand her the baby. Don't race to bathroom 3 times just because she said so, she's not your boss.

Your MiL is vile and your DH is pathetic and although it sounds like he is bogged down in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that is no excuse for him to say/do nothing when she treats you like shit.

I know it's hard OP but you are going to have to toughen up and be the one to put her in her place. You need to tell your DH in no uncertain terms that you will no longer tolerate her behaviour. Then tell her the same thing and that you will expect an apology before there is any further contact. Your DH will probably have a fit - let him. You're his wife and mother of your child not a verbal punchbag for his rotten mother. Oh and that's a no to the Holland week as well.

This sounds a bit woo but it seriously saved my sanity at one point. You can learn how not to allow another person's negative thoughts to remain in your mind. It takes practice but basically the next time she says something horrible, visualise her words written on a piece of paper, screw it up and visualise throwing it back at her. (In my case I 'threw it' it with some force at the person's head). I think she enjoys seeing you upset and you have to put on a face of complete disinterest - fake it if necessary, until you make it.

Find your balls OP and I hope they are big ones

Wishing you the very best.

Please DO NOT GO. You will be miserable and you will be captive with this awful woman. If your DH goes, it tells you where his priorities are and that little will change. Make your own plans for Christmas, invite a friend, go to your parents etc. DO NOT CAVE IN.

I am also interested why he thinks you are as bad as each other. If I were you I would write a list of MILs offending incidents ie Suggesting a DNA test on your son. Comments on the nappy etc. Ask him to prepare a similar one where you have wronged his mother, I think he has a short memory OP.

I agree with the other posters, stop being so nice. Getting up three times to change a nappy you know is not dirty - is madness. What did the rest of the table say when she was making those awful comments? No way would I be able to sit quiet whilst listening to someone being bullied like that.

What kind of person let's a 16 year old think he is responsible for a suicide attempt? Has he had any counselling? That would be blown out of the water straight away.

Refuse to engage with this woman any longer. You have put up with too much for too long. Sorry's don't amount to anything if the same thing keeps happening again and again.

Geez no way would I go

I also probably would have snapped and told her to fuck off by the 3rd time of saying nappy smells.

I probably would have also brought said nappy out and showed her she was delusional.

Mind you my dh would have been behind me 100% and told her to stop before I did

I couldn't imagine letting anyone treat me like that. Tell your DH to fuck off😂 who do they think they are?
Stop bowing down to her and tell them all they're being ridiculous.

Why would you have even gone to change his nappy in the first place? If you knew he was clean why didn't you just check his nappy there and then and say no he's fine, and carry on with your meal?
If she continued say what is your problem? He's fine why are you being so weird?
End of issue?

Your husband is a disgrace and you can tell him that.

The fact his own mother allows him to believe suicide is a force to guilt him is fucking horrendous and also tell him to grow some balls.

Do not go on that holiday.

I would strongly suspect the DH wasn't really vile as a teen, he was just blamed for everything as the scapegoat.

Think @MulticolourMophead may have hit the nail on the head!