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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to no longer buy Christmas presents for these relations

96 replies

ChocoPoppy · 19/10/2018 11:16

First time posting a question so will try to be clear and please forgive any cock-up's! I am an aunt to six nieces and nephews and have bought gifts for them every year since the first came along, oldest is 15, youngest is 6. Every year I spend the same amount on each child and try to suss out with parents what they would enjoy. The spending is now in the hundreds every Christmas and it takes a bit of legwork to find stuff to suit everyone.

For context I live pretty far away from them all and make it home a couple of times a year, try to deliver the presents in person where possible and check in with all the kids. So far so normal, so the issue is I never get a Christmas card back, a thank you text or even a thank you in person when I hand over the gifts, just grunts and comments of how they would prefer the cash or something more expensive, bear in mind I spend hundreds every Christmas on them. I have had a tough two years with health issues (not major but draining physically and emotionally all the same) and my family have made the effort to only visit twice in the past five years, it is a very one way family relationship, I am to travel to them, I am to spend on them, I am the one to stay in contact. The feeling in general is that as I don;t have children my time is not as important as theirs and I should always be doing and spending more for them.

Would I be the biggest Christmas grinch if this year I just did not bother at all? I am thinking of getting a box of biscuits, a box of sweets and small Christmas decoration for each household with kids and no longer get individual presents and leave it at that. I know it is not the kids fault, it is up to the parents to nudge them to say thanks for gifts, but I am just really fed up of being the one that always "gives" with no thanks. So tear me a new one Mumsnet and tell me I am a big, old meanie!

OP posts:

Roussette · 19/10/2018 16:02

I've followed this thread and I'm not sure the OP has said she lives abroad.

I can't believe they don't even send you a card. When I say that, of course I believe it, but it's appalling.

I wouldn't even explain anything. I would givenothing. Zilch. Nada. If they contact you, I would say you are stopping presents because they're never acknowledged, only complained about, and you've done it for a very long time and never got a thank you or even a christmas card.

SevenStones · 19/10/2018 16:44

I'm surprised some people are still suggesting "something small" or chocolates when the recepients of her gifts have given the OP absolutely NOTHING for at least 15 years, when her first nephew was born.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2018 17:30

Glad to see you’ve got them nothing. The only time I ever heard from sil was when I didn’t send a present one year. I’m chronically ill and was supposed to post ns present except I was far too ill to manage to get to the post office - I had bought the present and forgot to give it to my mother. Sil went ballistic. No compassion, only contempt for my disability.

As a child I was never expected to send a thank you card. I often thanked in person but was not taught to call to say thank you or anything. I was grateful in my own way. Looking back I am appalled but it was the parenting and not my fault so do try to not be cross with your N&ns. With dd we write cards.

Allthewaves · 19/10/2018 17:43

Id put £5 in cards each and post

Didiusfalco · 19/10/2018 17:56

Ooh I’ve changed my mind - they don’t send you anything, not even a card op? They are complete CFs - nothing more for them!

Roussette · 19/10/2018 18:01

d put £5 in cards each and post

Why? They don't thank for anything, the only time they say something is to complain about the expensive presents so surely it can't get any worse can it? Giving £5 is just going to invite criticism. Much better to sort this out once and for all and do nothing.

They can't even be bothered to send a Christmas card!

SevenStones · 19/10/2018 18:06

Id put £5 in cards each and post

Why???

SilverySurfer · 19/10/2018 18:51

YANBU at all - my sister has three children and I sent them cards and money for years for birthdays and Christmas, well into adulthood. Never had a thank you from any of them so I stopped.

Housingcraze · 19/10/2018 18:57

10 in each card no thank you this time don’t bother for birthdays

Roussette · 19/10/2018 19:00

£10 in each card when there's been no thank you's for 15 years?

NO!

Maelstrop · 19/10/2018 19:19

Don’t send them anything!

I live hours away from my family so I send a huge box of chocolates but they send presents in return.

I stopped sending my db’s kids anything because I never heard a word, not even via FB to say got the money ok. I’d change it into their currency, make sure it was sent early etc. I asked if they’d got it, ‘Oh yeah, kids got the money”. They can jack off, no more money going their way.

maresedotes · 19/10/2018 19:26

I wouldn't turn up with any presents for them - not even money in a card. How unbelievably rude of them all. As for your brother saying "is that all?" Sod that.

HippyH0tD0g · 19/10/2018 19:31

How rude the children and parents are. It doesn't cost anything to say thank you. This week I took some donations to my local charity shop and 2 people said thank you to me and they were strangers.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 19/10/2018 19:42

Uggghh, can't stand rudeness. Both the kids grunting they'd prefer cash and the parents for not teaching them to thank people who give them gifts. You don't even get a card back? Nooo! Just no! Stop right now and if they ask why, tell them! Cheeky entitled fuckers the lot of them!

LegallyBrunet · 19/10/2018 19:52

I’m one of six and since the oldest three of us are all in relationships, my Aunty just gets each couple a bottle of fizz and some chocolate and spends about a tenner each on the younger three

Polkasq · 19/10/2018 20:01

An Oxfam goat for each family this year. Then stop sending anything.

penny455 · 19/10/2018 20:44

I wouldn't even give them a £10er each to get no thank you !! I'd get a box of biscuits and tub of chocolates each that's all, how ungrateful

Lunafreya · 19/10/2018 20:56

I've been in this position. I was buying gifts for 5 nieces and nephews for Xmas and birthdays, as I had lived with them all for a time and, I felt, we were fairly close. I decided to go NC when my sister deemed it too much effort to even wish a happy birthday to my kids (long story short, the straw that broke the camel's back). If it's not making you happy, don't do it.

PatchworkElmer · 19/10/2018 21:37

This is so difficult- my cousin is awful for this, but I do still buy for his children because it’s not their fault... We also have friends who never send thank yous, and it’s so annoying.

I think I’d probably do the same as you, and send a token. Then I’d probably send nothing next year.

klondike555 · 20/10/2018 03:15

Don't send them anything! I'm stunned you continued to do so after they were so vile for so many years. I would have stopped after the first time they didn't say 'thank you'/ were rude in other ways. I certainly wouldn't have continued letting them treat me so badly.

They're treating you like dirt and you're letting them. It's time to stop.

PixieBob28 · 20/10/2018 09:55

My mum does this:

They get present or cash up until they are 18. Then they have all have it fair and equally. She sent a text to my aunties and uncles to clairfy they would do the same with us. And it works! I'm 30 now and wouldn't dream of getting something from them but it's nice idea up until they are 18. Suddenly they will start dwindling down.

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