AIBU to no longer buy Christmas presents for these relations

[ChocoPoppy]

First time posting a question so will try to be clear and please forgive any cock-up's! I am an aunt to six nieces and nephews and have bought gifts for them every year since the first came along, oldest is 15, youngest is 6. Every year I spend the same amount on each child and try to suss out with parents what they would enjoy. The spending is now in the hundreds every Christmas and it takes a bit of legwork to find stuff to suit everyone.

For context I live pretty far away from them all and make it home a couple of times a year, try to deliver the presents in person where possible and check in with all the kids. So far so normal, so the issue is I never get a Christmas card back, a thank you text or even a thank you in person when I hand over the gifts, just grunts and comments of how they would prefer the cash or something more expensive, bear in mind I spend hundreds every Christmas on them. I have had a tough two years with health issues (not major but draining physically and emotionally all the same) and my family have made the effort to only visit twice in the past five years, it is a very one way family relationship, I am to travel to them, I am to spend on them, I am the one to stay in contact. The feeling in general is that as I don;t have children my time is not as important as theirs and I should always be doing and spending more for them.

Would I be the biggest Christmas grinch if this year I just did not bother at all? I am thinking of getting a box of biscuits, a box of sweets and small Christmas decoration for each household with kids and no longer get individual presents and leave it at that. I know it is not the kids fault, it is up to the parents to nudge them to say thanks for gifts, but I am just really fed up of being the one that always "gives" with no thanks. So tear me a new one Mumsnet and tell me I am a big, old meanie!

Another one voting for you just to stop.

Good on you op, just read your update, token gift job done. Let a charity who will be grateful for the donation benefit from your kindness.

Stop now.We had this with neices and nephews from one side of the family.The others always sent a lovely card,or at least phoned.We carried on well into early adulthood but felt increasingly resentful.It felt very liberating, and a lot less expensive when I stopped.And I wish we had done it far sooner.I did bottle out and give DH the job of telling his sister we weren't doing gifts anymore,and that we were not always sure if they had received or liked them.They were the children in the family with the most 'stuff ' anyway ,but didnt value or look after it.

I wouldn't even send the money. Just send an email card and that's it.
There will be no change in a feedback coming back to you so why bother?

I had a similar situation a long time ago now. After years of never receiving thank yous from either children or parents, I just stopped. Nobody mentioned it, so I just assumed they never cared.

I don't think there's anything wrong in gently hinting that you might prefer x or y next time if someone goes to the trouble of buying you something that's really unsuitable (you don't want people spending money on things you don't want, that's just caring about the other person), but to not say thank you, especially when the gift giver is right in front of you, is something else.

You don't mention it, but what do they buy you for Christmas? The families I mean, not just kids. Do you receive nice presents?

Also, if they can't be arsed to come and visit me and have only done so twice in five years, I'd be cutting down my visits to once every couple of years too.

Don't even bother with the wine and sweets! Get some treats for yourself instead.

What you've detailed in your description of your family is a bit more than casual ignorance and lack of manners. Your siblings don't even send you a card for Christmas?

Stick to your guns. You deserve better.

It's difficult to call these kind of people out on their behaviour because you run the risk of them withdrawing completely if they feel you have 'wronged' them.

Out of interest do they buy you a christmas present and card?

I would absolutely stop buying them anything. How ungrateful.

If you want to scale it back gradually you have lots of ideas on here that will be ideal. I would also send it, and keep the price to under a tenner. They have chocolate board games that are good fun.

www.jtf.com/monopoly-milk-chocolate-game-144g.html?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=(S)%20-%20Shopping%20-%20Brand&utm_term=4583657819565611&utm_content=All%20Products&gclid=CLHvy5LAkt4CFZWShQodkiwJPg&gclsrc=ds

You can do the games and chocolates in one go.

I would not spend a penny more op! Spend it on a bottle of wine and some bath salts for you along with a nice spa massage.

I have children but don't expect my friends and family without children to do all the running. It is not on year after year. They are taking advantage of your kindness.

Oh wow how rude! If you don't see them much it wouldn't be atall as awkward to just send a card this year as it would be all around the Christmas tree! I don't think they deserve a lovely present even of wine/choccy/games per household if the children themselves nor parents give them a nudge to say thankyou!

Yes YABU, Christmas is about giving and they are your neice's and nephews

Oh yes, I remember now. Jesus had a hell of a long Christmas list didn't he?

If it is about giving, why is no-one giving her anything? A 15 year old could definitely give a small gift, but they don't. They don't even give her a thank you.

If your comment came from your own personal viewpoint, make sure you encourage your dc's to thank their relatives, or you may see their gifts dry up...

If you're staying with family, definitely take wine and sweets/biscuits, but otherwise I would reciprocate with what you usually receive. If you get wine and sweets, take wine and sweets.

I would just drop an email/text to each family now-ish letting them now in advance you'll no longer be buying gifts (blame it on money issues if you don't want to tell them the truth). Let the sulking dissipate before December!

Just to reply to the previous posters who asked no I never get a card of gift from any of them, the more I think about it the more I realise I have been a mug for years. A simple "thanks for the gifts" text from the parents would do, but no they can't be arsed to do that much.

I'm so glad to get to the end and see that you've already decided not to send any more presents, I was getting annoyed just reading about the ungrateful people.

Don't give it another thought, your life will be so much less stressful now

Another vote for stop it all together, ungrateful little toerags.

Please don't give them another thing! Forget wine and chocolates - unless you buy them and scoff them all yourself instead of sending them!

Move on, find worthwhile people to spend your time and money on.

I also think the fact you live overseas is relevant. How long have you been there? I used to live overseas and I think that we leave and kind of think time stands still and it will be like it was when we go home to visit and when we eventually move back. Unfortunately, what I found was that they don't wait for you and they get on with their own lives and make new friends and become close to others. Its like as if, well you moved away and can't expect for us all to wait around for you. If you are having a good expat life there may also be some jealousy there as in Aunty Choco is loaded, we expect massive presents from her and she doesn't need anything back.

I was hurt when I realised that some of my family wasn't as close as I remember. Do you think there is an element of buying because you don't see them as much? Your family do sound ungrateful but I think your present buying is OTT. I also think that if you are an expat, family not coming over to see you is one of the downsides and is hurtful. That said, now I live in the UK and other family are expats and I think "you are the ones who went away, why should I spend £££ coming to see you?"

Off topic, sorry.

reciprocate with what you usually receive

Exactly this....

I’m surprised that you’ve carried on as long as you have, OP. I’d have stopped sending the ungrateful selfish shits anything years ago!
In future years, send nothing, not even a card. Use the cash you save to donate to a charity of your choice and to buy yourself a nice treat in lieu of all those presents they never sent you.
If they have the brass neck to complain, tell them straight that you’re buying for yourself instead, because they never did.
I hope your health improves and that you have many good years of happy, charitable and self indulgent Christmases to come! God bless.

Mugs are rarely happy. Be happy OP, you deserve better from your family.

Send them a card saying this year you’ve decided to donate to charity instead of buying everyone gifts.
End of.
Sound like s bunch of entitled fuckers to me!

Just get each family something small!! after all it's the thought that counts. If they don't like it they can lump it

£10 each for rude parents and kids that can't even say thanks? No way no how. I was sat down and made to write thank you letters on floral paper as a kid. [My mom still has one that my sister wrote age 6 to an elderly auntie - "Thank you for the cardigans which you are always knitting for me" LOL]

I totally agree on chocs and prosecco. By all means tell them you are donating to charity if that's easier, but if you have had health issues spend it on a weekend break for yourself, or a swimming pass or something.

Don't send them anything this year! Often my aunt's would forget and we wouldn't mind because it's nice to receive a gift, but never expected!
Our parents made us write down each present/who it was from and write thank you letters etc... It honestly appalls me that this isn't the norm. You've taken the time to earn the money, go out buy the gift, wrap it and bring it to them, they can sit down for 2 minutes and write you a bloody thank you note!

I've been in this situation with godchildren. Am always tempted to send a thank you cards writing set as the most unsubtle hint possible. Not got the guts up to face the fall out yet but it getting closer!

I would send them a framed photocopy of my butt so that they could kiss my are

I wouldn't even send them a card. When they complain tell them that you thought that's what the family had decided, seeing as how they never send you anything.

Honestly, just forget about them.