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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to no longer buy Christmas presents for these relations

96 replies

ChocoPoppy · 19/10/2018 11:16

First time posting a question so will try to be clear and please forgive any cock-up's! I am an aunt to six nieces and nephews and have bought gifts for them every year since the first came along, oldest is 15, youngest is 6. Every year I spend the same amount on each child and try to suss out with parents what they would enjoy. The spending is now in the hundreds every Christmas and it takes a bit of legwork to find stuff to suit everyone.

For context I live pretty far away from them all and make it home a couple of times a year, try to deliver the presents in person where possible and check in with all the kids. So far so normal, so the issue is I never get a Christmas card back, a thank you text or even a thank you in person when I hand over the gifts, just grunts and comments of how they would prefer the cash or something more expensive, bear in mind I spend hundreds every Christmas on them. I have had a tough two years with health issues (not major but draining physically and emotionally all the same) and my family have made the effort to only visit twice in the past five years, it is a very one way family relationship, I am to travel to them, I am to spend on them, I am the one to stay in contact. The feeling in general is that as I don;t have children my time is not as important as theirs and I should always be doing and spending more for them.

Would I be the biggest Christmas grinch if this year I just did not bother at all? I am thinking of getting a box of biscuits, a box of sweets and small Christmas decoration for each household with kids and no longer get individual presents and leave it at that. I know it is not the kids fault, it is up to the parents to nudge them to say thanks for gifts, but I am just really fed up of being the one that always "gives" with no thanks. So tear me a new one Mumsnet and tell me I am a big, old meanie!

OP posts:

Nala18 · 19/10/2018 12:09

Christmas is for love and appreciation which you have done every single year without reciprocation.

Don't do it OP. I get 'you don't give to receive' but them not even thanking you or complaining is absolute bollocks. It's totally unfair on you, and the fact you've done it for so long shows how lovely you are.

Sod them.

Hillarious · 19/10/2018 12:12

I'd send a board game or a 1,000 piece jigsaw. I love a 1,000 piece jigsaw at Christmas!

NormaLouiseBates · 19/10/2018 12:14

Fuck that shit. What a bunch of ungrateful, rude gits. I would send them NOTHING this year, not even cards.

Sending you nothing, not even a card?
Not saying thank you?
Complaining that what you send isn't good enough?

Just ONE of those would be enough for me to knock the present giving on the head, never mind all 3. Stop being a mug (in the nicest possible way)!

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 19/10/2018 12:15

I get so cross when I read posts like this! My kids godmother and uncles all don’t have kids. They are so thoughtful in their gifts to mine. The kids are really grateful, talk about these people all the time, choose return gifts to them (we don’t do adult gifts but our kids buy for the adults who buy for them iyswim).

These nieces and nephews and theirs parents are awlful! You shouldn’t be treated like that. I feel embarrassed for them.

ciderhouserules · 19/10/2018 12:15

Christmas is about giving - - um what? Christmas is about spending TIME with family and people that you like, not how much you spend. I don't buy for any of my nieces or nephews (I also have 6) - a £10 in a card is it. We don't live close together and postage is expensive. I've never bought for adults - my siblings don't need anything and no way am I spending hundreds on them, even if they were to spend hundreds on me! What's the point?

Get together (If you want to/can) and spend time, not money. The board game/chocs/family box of biscuits is a good idea.

Just stop.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 19/10/2018 12:16

I would send nothing bar a Christmas card from a pack bought in Poundland.
You have had years of this so why would you carry on?
And you are wrong to say it is not the children’s fault, maybe the younger ones can be excused but any over 10 and especially a 15 year old should be quite capable of picking up a phone or sending a text or email to thank you.

MadisonAvenue · 19/10/2018 12:17

I wouldn't send anything. We've had the same with nephews from my husband's side of the family in that gifts were very much expected but never acknowledged. They're older now, and two are married, so I just send a box of chocolates to each couple. Still don't get any thanks (or even a Christmas card) and will probably just give a card this year.

There was a close friend of my husband who moved away and we always sent gifts on birthdays and Christmas to his children and not once did they thank us or even mention that they'd arrived. The only time that our gift giving was acknowledged was when we decided that enough was enough and stopped sending - their father phoned my husband and asked where the presents were, he was quite abrupt about it and their friendship wasn't the same afterwards to the point that they've not been in contact now for around 3 years.

eddielizzard · 19/10/2018 12:19

I would try not contacting them or sending anything and see how long it takes them to contact you. Probably 26th December asking where their presents are. You could say 'well you don't seem to enjoy them very much...'

LaPufalina · 19/10/2018 12:19

My Nan stopped giving my cousins money when she didn't get thank yous, and gave it to me and my sister instead no qualms from her! I miss her.

Roussette · 19/10/2018 12:25

I can't believe how horrible and rude these people are, and ones other posters have described.

Christmas is not a time for mountains of presents, not in our house it's not... it's about getting together with family, having fun, seeing people you may not see much during the busy year and just connecting.

I've learnt my lesson on this from a Godchild (I was sprung into being Godparent and should have declined). It's family, a cousin's child. Religiously every birthday I posted a present, and every Christmas I got a present to the child via relatives. not once did I get a thank you. I did this for 18 years because I was godparent and on her 18th birthday I sent a silver necklace (from an independent jewellers....costing about £80) with a nice letter and card, and saying that I won't be doing presents anymore as you are now 18 but I wish you all the best for the future etc etc.
Didn't even get a thank you for that

Never again

EK36 · 19/10/2018 12:25

Ten pounds in a card with a bag of sweets would be lovely for each child.

user1486915549 · 19/10/2018 12:26

They complain they would prefer something more expensive !!!
You have done your bit, stop this present buying nonsense right now.
Our whole extended family banned Christmas present buying years ago and Christmas is a much more pleasant experience for everyone.

Sweetpea55 · 19/10/2018 12:30

I stopped buying gifts for a nephew and niece because i never got a 'Thank You' And they weren't small children either when i stopped, think 'at uni'.
After the last episode of ingratitude I asked my DN why they hadnt let me know if the gift was ok,,etc
'I forgot' was the answer So I immediately 'forgot',, birthdays and christmas after that.

Didiusfalco · 19/10/2018 12:30

They sound rude and awful - particularly the entitled adult.

For the sake of peace I think I would do what an earlier poster suggested and just send them all £10 vouchers. I would do it by post too, so I didn't have to see the ungratefulness or hear the moaning about 'is that all'. I wouldn't even bother with the sweets as they will cost you more to post. I think I would then feel that I had ticked that box and not give it any more headspace!

Original poster

ChocoPoppy · 19/10/2018 12:33

Thanks all, had a think and decided bottle of wine and box of sweets for each family, and I am matching the cost of that in gifts for a local charity that collects for people who are in domestic violence situations and need resources to leave. Decision made, job done.

As I wrote earlier I have had a tough two years health wise and very emotionally drained and was thinking over things (like you do when feeling a bit low) and came to realise that at times if I was any more of a mug I would have a handle. Just making a decision to start changing things for myself and this is the first step, so thank you all and very early Happy Christmas.

OP posts:

BrisaOtonal · 19/10/2018 12:43

One of my siblings has the best idea. They said, stuff this present malarkey, let's just meet up somewhere for a lovely lunch, enjoy each others company and have a good time. It is my favourite part of Christmas.

OP I think you have created a rod for your own back. You need to break the cycle. It seems to me like they are ungrateful but it may also be the they don't actually want anything. I get asked by extended family what my DC want and they don't actually want anything. Then the relatives get upset. I also once got a massive dressing down for not sending someone a thank you card. We did say thank you at the time but that wasn't enough. Truth is, I'd rather they just didn't buy us gifts. My DC aren't spoilt at all. They are not into "stuff".

I also agree with the comment about time. We have aunts and uncles who want to buy my DC gifts and I just think well actually they would prefer you to take them to see a film and buy them a box of popcorn. They don't though and buy them expensive gifts. I have nephews and nieces and I am really close to them because when they were small I would take them out and do things with them rather than buy them toys.

Roussette · 19/10/2018 12:46

Well don Choco and if you get one hint of complaint for your gift to them, I honestly would stop it altogether. Or challenge them. Or both

KC225 · 19/10/2018 12:50

That is so wrong. I don't know why people are telling you to put tenners into cards or buy board games when these people don't even bother to send you a card or worst still - don't even say thank you in person and grumble that its not enough. I get that teenager/small kids have lost the art of thank you cards but what about the parents what is their excuse for bad manners?

If you stopped spending hundreds of pounds and all the man hours choosing and wrapping gifts for these people, what would happen? Would they grumble its not enough, not acknowledge your effort and stop sending you Christmas cards - oh wait they are already doing that to you.

If you have had a couple of tough year healthwise, I am assuming these neices and nephews, parents of - have offered support and sent best wishes and get well cards? I sincerely hope this is a yes.

Write an email/letter/send a text saying you will be stopping the gifts for extended family this year and likewise do not expect anything in return just to give them plenty of notice. Add that you will look forward to seeing them when you next visit. When you do visit, take a tub of sweets and a bottle of wine, but you know what OP I bet you already do that.

KC225 · 19/10/2018 12:53

Sorry OP cross post. I see you have already made a wide choice

peachescariad · 19/10/2018 12:55

I wouldn't bother giving anything at all.....In my card I'd write that this year I am buying a goat for an third world village.

Goat will be hugely appreciated....and you''ll get a lovely thank you.

What vile children.....

mcmooberry · 19/10/2018 12:57

Would do what you planned and cut right back. I used to send money year in year out to a friend's child and didn't hear a thing so stopped and funnily enough, that year, I got a thank you for the card message!

confusedmomm · 19/10/2018 12:59

Break the cycle! A simple thank from their part Costs nothing and makes them sound utterly ungrateful. Card with box of chocs is all they need.

ManILurveCake · 19/10/2018 13:03

I can completely relate to you OP. I have had a difficult few years (OCD/anxiety) & on low days I would get upset about the effort I've made for family members & how it was never acknowledged/reciprocated. Wether it was a Thankyou for a gift or a text just to ask how I was doing.

Being the present buyer in our relationship I was the one going out buying cards/gifts, wrapping & posting but ironically it was my birthday that kept getting forgotton year after year. After 5 years I (like you) decided to stop being a mug anymore, stopped sending stuff & emailed them to say why.

Sending the email caused me lots of anxiety but I felt I needed to explain how I felt otherwise they would just think I had become as forgetful as them which wasn't the case.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas 🎅 xx

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2018 13:08

Glad you’ve come to a decision OP, they have been taking you for granted and this works a lot better.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/10/2018 13:09

No don't buy anything, just a card, very rude when you are spending all that money and effort. Time to cut it dead right now.

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