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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for advice on friend/child situation

76 replies

PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 21:41

This is longer than I thought but here goes.

Since September I’ve been bringing my friends son home from school. I have a child at the same school so am there at home time. The child’s house is a slight divert from mine but en route. The last couple of weeks I have started to get a bit fed up with friend and child. I’m not really sure how to approach it though.

In order for me to take this child home, I have to take a different route. It uses more of my fuel and I’m feeling the pinch of it. I have never been offered any fuel money. I tried to mention the financial strain in passing to friend but I couldn’t be sure if she missed my point or deliberately avoided it. Friend also rarely says thank you, and if she does it’s the kind of thank you that gives you the impression she’s trying to keep you sweet (IYSWIM). Sometimes I have to spend time in the day to check if I’m collecting this child as no one has told me if he’s coming with me this particular week or not. Sometimes it takes hours to get replies and it stresses me out. They’re probably assuming that I’ll just wait for him or he’ll decide on the day if he’s going with a friend or not. This bugs me very much and I feel used quite a lot.

This part is about the child. He’s generally quite a nice lad but he’s starting to grate on me. Examples are he sees my child sat in the front and asks why. This child is the sort of child who gets his mum to sit in the back so he can be up front when he sees it as his turn. He tells my children (2 of them) to be quiet. Today my daughter (4) was talking to him and he turned the radio up and turned his head away from her. I didn’t say anything just got my other child to talk to her so she wasn’t being ignored. He’s a nice lad but I’m starting to feel that he’s very cheeky if not a bit blunt and rude.

I get on really well with both his parents and his mum is my best friend but sometimes she can be a bit unapproachable as she’ll listen but when she’s had enough, will walk away (I see her a lot in this child’s ways). I think I could probably have a more constructive chat with her husband if I needed to.

How do I deal with everything before I distance myself from this family completely? I don’t want to be used as a taxi. I don’t want to be out of pocket. I don’t want my children to feel they can’t talk in their own car and I don’t want my 4y/o ignored.

Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/10/2018 21:43

She's using you, OP. Friends don't use each other. Her son doesn't sound nice and your children would be better off if you didn't care for him.

The thing is that if you stop looking after him, your friend will no longer be your friend. It's a difficult decision for you to make.

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 21:45

It worries me sick that she’s using me, it really does.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/10/2018 21:47

I reckon she would love-bomb another woman at school and get them to look after her son.

Are you taking her son back to your house or to hers? If it's to hers, why can't she pick him up?

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 21:49

I take him to his house. She can’t collect him as she’s working and so is husband.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2018 21:49

This cheeky cow is no friend of yours, and I hope you see that now after writing everything down. She is taking total advantage of you, and at this point, you're allowing it.

Tell her you will no longer be able to pick up or watch her son because it's not working for you anymore. End of. Don't bother with bullshit excuses and don't worry about losing this "friendship." It was never real in the first place.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2018 21:50

Whether or not she can collect her own child is her problem. Stop making it yours.

ny20005 · 18/10/2018 21:53

So who's at the house when you drop him off ?

IncomingCannonFire · 18/10/2018 21:54

How old is the boy? Do you leave him at his house on his own?
Either way sounds like you've done enough. Make up some after school commitments for your kids and bow out.

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 21:55

@Aquamarine1029

I only offered as I want to see that he’s safe. He’s very accident prone and gets in to all sorts of scrapes and it’s quite a long walk on his own, however, your words are food for thought and I’m mulling over what you’ve said.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 21:57

No one is there straight away. He’s nearly 10. His older sister gets back about 40mins after him I think.

OP posts:
ny20005 · 18/10/2018 22:01

They allow a 9 year old to walk a long way home himself ?

My 10 year old is less than 10 mins from school & he's only allowed to come home by himself this year

Mulberry72 · 18/10/2018 22:06

“This arrangement no longer works for me, so won’t be continuing after half term”.

MrsMiddleton · 18/10/2018 22:07

I had a school mum like yours at DS's primary school. She was a CF and treated all the mums like unpaid nannies. She would get cross if she arrived to collect him and he hadn't done his homework- but no thanks for feeding him.

We were all very pleased when he went to a different secondary school.

PennyArcade · 18/10/2018 22:08

"My circumstances have changed. I can't pick your DS up from school anymore". That's it. No more needed.

CF's will use people who are willing to be used OP. You're worth more than that. Walk away. Your friend's childcare is not your problem.

Ellisandra · 18/10/2018 22:13

Bloody hell, she sounded like sone school mum you’d picked up as an acquaintance along the way as your kids were friends.

Then I was Confused that’s she’s your best friend?

Save your time for developing other, better, friends. A best friend is not someone that you can’t bring up money to, not someone who just walks away when they’re bored of listening to you!

Backbone time.
Decide whether you’re prepared to take him.
It yes, tell her you’ll only do days that are text confirmed the night before, and each drop off will be £.

With him: Any time he mentions being in the front, tell him no. Then move to “I’ve told you X goes up front in my car, don’t keep on about sunshine”.

And when he turns up the radio? Turn it down again, and tell him not to touch your settings. I actually think it’s a lot to ask a 9yo to show an interest in a 4yo rambling though Grin

How can he even reach your radio? Please tell me you don’t let him sit up front?

Backbone!

You describe him as a nice boy - actually, he’s rude.

SputnikBear · 18/10/2018 22:14

Do you have an additional child restraint in your car for this child? Fairly certain it’s illegal if he’s 10yo and isn’t using one.

Ellisandra · 18/10/2018 22:16

@Sputnikbear my child is 9 almost 10, and short for her age at 134cm.
The requirement for a booster is only until 135cm I think - almost none of her friends still use them.
I actually won’t move her out until she meets all the safety points (e.g. belt fitting across thighs) but legally I expect most 9/10yo boys are tall enough.

GreenLantern53 · 18/10/2018 22:20

My daughter is 7 and almost tall enough to not need a car seat (couple inches off) im sure an almost 10 yr old is tall enough not to need one.

Mickeysminnie2 · 18/10/2018 22:20

Did your friend ask you to pick him up and bring him home or did you offer when you saw him walking?

HollowTalk · 18/10/2018 22:23

I think if you want to keep your friend, you should ask for some money for petrol, given it's out of your way, and you should just be really firm with your son. I was thinking you were spending more time with him - if you're just giving him a lift then that's a bit different.

Rudgie47 · 18/10/2018 22:23

Just text her now and say from Monday you wont be able to do it anymore, then block her. Shes a user and her childcare problems are not your responsibility.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2018 22:25

OP a friend would hate the thought of putting you out, you bring out of pocket and struggling, you waiting around all day as being inconvenienced, your children being upset.

If you’re around during the day it’s so you can pick your own children up, have time with them. You haven’t organiser your life this way to be unpaid childcare for other people who choose not to make suitable arrangements for their own children.

Put your children and your time first love.

Musicalstatues · 18/10/2018 22:28

How long has she been your ‘best friend’ for?! Shock

What does she do that makes her your best friend? I’m struggling to see how she could be your best friend but you can’t talk to her about this?

Bebopaloola · 18/10/2018 22:36

I wonder can you get out of this without ruining your friendship? If I were you I'd tread carefully, Best friends are hard to come by and it's very easy to fall out over kids. Having said that, I think the best way to retain your friendship is to stop the arrangement. If I were you I'd just be less available over the next few weeks so she doesn't rely on you anymore. Surely it'd be better for the child to walk home, healthy exercise? than to be home alone.

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 22:39

Thanks everyone. I’ve read all replies and I am going to talk to her tomorrow. There’s an event at the school that we are both going to so I’ll talk to her after in her car. Then she can’t drive off and just leave me. I know that her just walking away sounds awful but I think she feels awkward in scenarios when there’s a bit of (possible) confrontation.

OP posts: