to ask for advice on friend/child situation

[PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar]

This is longer than I thought but here goes.

Since September I’ve been bringing my friends son home from school. I have a child at the same school so am there at home time. The child’s house is a slight divert from mine but en route. The last couple of weeks I have started to get a bit fed up with friend and child. I’m not really sure how to approach it though.

In order for me to take this child home, I have to take a different route. It uses more of my fuel and I’m feeling the pinch of it. I have never been offered any fuel money. I tried to mention the financial strain in passing to friend but I couldn’t be sure if she missed my point or deliberately avoided it. Friend also rarely says thank you, and if she does it’s the kind of thank you that gives you the impression she’s trying to keep you sweet (IYSWIM). Sometimes I have to spend time in the day to check if I’m collecting this child as no one has told me if he’s coming with me this particular week or not. Sometimes it takes hours to get replies and it stresses me out. They’re probably assuming that I’ll just wait for him or he’ll decide on the day if he’s going with a friend or not. This bugs me very much and I feel used quite a lot.

This part is about the child. He’s generally quite a nice lad but he’s starting to grate on me. Examples are he sees my child sat in the front and asks why. This child is the sort of child who gets his mum to sit in the back so he can be up front when he sees it as his turn. He tells my children (2 of them) to be quiet. Today my daughter (4) was talking to him and he turned the radio up and turned his head away from her. I didn’t say anything just got my other child to talk to her so she wasn’t being ignored. He’s a nice lad but I’m starting to feel that he’s very cheeky if not a bit blunt and rude.

I get on really well with both his parents and his mum is my best friend but sometimes she can be a bit unapproachable as she’ll listen but when she’s had enough, will walk away (I see her a lot in this child’s ways). I think I could probably have a more constructive chat with her husband if I needed to.

How do I deal with everything before I distance myself from this family completely? I don’t want to be used as a taxi. I don’t want to be out of pocket. I don’t want my children to feel they can’t talk in their own car and I don’t want my 4y/o ignored.

Please give me some advice.

Op bless you and your good heart but her child is NOT your responsibility...Your friend sounds entitled and rude and why you would deem someone like that a friend is beyond me! Friends make lives happier and better for us,she is making you feel angry,used and upset..non of my friends would ever make me feel that way.She has made her problem yours to deal with,and I can promise you she won't care a jot about the pressure you are under regarding lifts etc of her son,however she will care when her cage is rattled by you not doing it and even then I bet she will be hurt by you letting her down...She has no thought of you being a friend, she will look upon you as the hired help,and free help at that...thats not how a friendship works xx

I'm a bit at some of the answers on here. We see numerous examples of CFs asking for childcare on Mumsnet but I really don't think this is one of them

It's a journey you're doing anyway, you say yourself that it's not far out of your way, you originally offered and she's a close friend (not someone who would never talk to you or do anything for you otherwise)

I'm not saying you have to keep doing it, obviously you don't! But if you haven't explicitly told her it's bothering you, how is she supposed to know??

As a pp said it seems unlikely that the extra petrol is costing you much- I wouldn't offer a friend petrol money for a short distance drive and they wouldn't offer it to me. Obviously everyone is different. Would it be normal in your friendship group to offer someone petrol money in these circumstances? Have you asked her directly?

You could also say you like to plan ahead and ask her to be Pro active about letting you know when you're taking him home (if you're still happy to do so)

She won't know that her DS is being rude to your DD unless you told her. I think it would be reasonable to ask her to have a word with him about his behaviour in the back of the car if it's bothering you. It sounds like ordinary 9 year old lack of social awareness rather than anything really disrespectful

Essentially if you don't want to do it any more then just tell her and ask her to arrange the taxi she originally planned, (and you don't need to bother with any of my suggestions above!) but I don't see any CFery or reason to assume she will instantly end the friendship

Oh everyone meets at least one of these in the course of your kids school career.

A text. Today.

After today I can’t pick Johnny up after school any more. You’ll have to make other arrangements.

No sorry. No apology or soft language. Simple and direct is the way to go.

No matter what they come back with just “that doesn’t work for me. I can no longer pick up Johnny”

It really doesn't sound that bad. Your friend thinks you're happy giving lifts home, if you haven't said anything before. She's been a bit presumptious but you've not given her reason to think it was a problem? People.can put their heads in the sand. However a year 5 can do a 20 mins walk home on their own,my sister and I did from far younger. It's the not being there at home when he lets himself in that's more unusual.
But some parents do that.

"DFriend, Now he's older, you might want to make other arrangements, it's getting a bit much to do a lift home every day. My DC want to do other things, have playdates with other children, spontaneously go out after school or somedays just get straight home...I've helped you for (..a year.../ a few months...) but can't anymore. "
Voila. A good friend would accept that and not have any impact on your friendship.

Any but I rely on you, you're letting me down or guilt trips would speak volumes, in which case you'd be perfectly ok to say 'i didn't realise I had become your childcare and had only offered for first few days. Really you need to sort something out"

I wouldn't mention her boy being irritating in car or money for extra petrol or anything. If you don't want to do it anymore, then say so.

It's perfect timing as we go into half term, you has time to consider other options and you can start afresh no more lifts in 10 days time.

*she has time, DOH!

If she's your best friend just say
... Look this looks like it's turning in to a permanent arrangement. We'll need to agree weekly petrol money as it's leaving me short. Also I need to know if he has plans latest the day before." Take no it's ands or buts.

Also if he's your best friends son. Just tell him off if he's naughty. I would!

If shes a genuine friend she'll understand,she might be a bit surprised you've ended the arrangement but she shouldn't end the friendship if she truly isn't using you.If you broke your leg and couldn't drive she'd have to think of alternatives and it's her job as the parent to sort out her ds not yours

Hi everyone, I’ve read all replies and thanks to everyone for your thoughts.

I will speak to her today. It’s important for me to know what I’m doing daily so I’m going to get her to tell me on a Sunday what’s happening for the week. If I don’t hear anything, I’ll be assuming I’m not collecting and he’ll have to walk. Agree the walk isn’t that bad, I think I mentioned it as I know he’s clumsy etc and he’s worried about being snatched....

Sorry if I’ve come across as cf to anyone, that’s not how it was meant but on reflection yeh the amount of fuel is trivial.

@QueenOfMyWorld

The broken leg thing was something that I randomly thought of the other day but let’s not be jinxing anything now!!!!

YANBU; however I don’t understand why he can’t sit in the front sometimes? We always had to let our friends sit in the front to be polite, or in the back with them, and if we did car sharing we took it in turns. That’s just good manners.

I don't know why your going to ask her to let you know weekly & let her away with the extra fuel cost

Tell her it's no longer working out for you & she'll need to make other arrangements

@crispysausagerolls

It’s not really an issue, it was more the way he spoke about it, like “WHY is he in the front??”. I decided we should let them take turns so as to keep the peace.

I once had to give a lift to a bloke (favour for a friend) who spent the entire 45 minutes talking about how he hadn't defacated into a water based toilet for 20 years. That was the longest car journey I've ever had.

Either you want to keep picking him up, or not.

Forget asking for petrol money because you know damn well you'll be chasing them for money, as well as chasing them for confirmation about picking their child up, as well as taking him home, as well as dealing with the fact that he's rude.

No amount of money is worth this agro.

Oh, and she may be your best friend, but I don't think you're hers.

The thing is.. with the walk, he'd be home alone for less time as well.

Why are you driving at all if it is that close?

If she says oh I don't know what I would do without you - you just say Oh you'd be fine, there's taxis, after-school clubs, childcare, all sorts.

Thanks everyone. To update; I have spoken to her, she finished early today which I’d not realised. Told her everything and I’ve agreed to help till last day of term then he will go home on his own. I don’t know the finer details, that’s her call either way. As pp said, he will be home less time walking anyway. Thanks for all advice and suggestions.

Only till half term starts. It’s only one more week. I guess I don’t want to drop her in it without time to sort things.

Drop her in it? But she can arrange a taxi like she was originally intending to do all along

@zzzzz

No, no thankyou’s

@ACatsNoHelpWithThat

I don’t think she can afford a taxi bill at the minute. Half terms gives a clear week to sort something properly but walking is free