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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for advice on friend/child situation

76 replies

PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 21:41

This is longer than I thought but here goes.

Since September I’ve been bringing my friends son home from school. I have a child at the same school so am there at home time. The child’s house is a slight divert from mine but en route. The last couple of weeks I have started to get a bit fed up with friend and child. I’m not really sure how to approach it though.

In order for me to take this child home, I have to take a different route. It uses more of my fuel and I’m feeling the pinch of it. I have never been offered any fuel money. I tried to mention the financial strain in passing to friend but I couldn’t be sure if she missed my point or deliberately avoided it. Friend also rarely says thank you, and if she does it’s the kind of thank you that gives you the impression she’s trying to keep you sweet (IYSWIM). Sometimes I have to spend time in the day to check if I’m collecting this child as no one has told me if he’s coming with me this particular week or not. Sometimes it takes hours to get replies and it stresses me out. They’re probably assuming that I’ll just wait for him or he’ll decide on the day if he’s going with a friend or not. This bugs me very much and I feel used quite a lot.

This part is about the child. He’s generally quite a nice lad but he’s starting to grate on me. Examples are he sees my child sat in the front and asks why. This child is the sort of child who gets his mum to sit in the back so he can be up front when he sees it as his turn. He tells my children (2 of them) to be quiet. Today my daughter (4) was talking to him and he turned the radio up and turned his head away from her. I didn’t say anything just got my other child to talk to her so she wasn’t being ignored. He’s a nice lad but I’m starting to feel that he’s very cheeky if not a bit blunt and rude.

I get on really well with both his parents and his mum is my best friend but sometimes she can be a bit unapproachable as she’ll listen but when she’s had enough, will walk away (I see her a lot in this child’s ways). I think I could probably have a more constructive chat with her husband if I needed to.

How do I deal with everything before I distance myself from this family completely? I don’t want to be used as a taxi. I don’t want to be out of pocket. I don’t want my children to feel they can’t talk in their own car and I don’t want my 4y/o ignored.

Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 18/10/2018 22:39

It’s a tricky one OP. I think you need to address it though - unless you can see this continuing into the foreseeable future. If you’re not comfortable face to face maybe text with...

“Hi Friend. Just to let you know that after half-term break we’ll have some changes to after school activities that mean I’ll only be able to drop your DS home [on Fridays, or never?]. [Hope you can/You ok to] make some other arrangements for Son to get home after school on other days? Blah blah blah....Princess

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 18/10/2018 22:40

Sorry, cross post there OP!

Rachel0Greep · 18/10/2018 22:43

Not a friend, just a user. Her child, her issue to organise how he gets home from school. Go back and read your OP. You are stressing and wasting your own time over this. Sack this arrangement off asap.

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 22:44

@Whosthebestbabainalltheworld

To respond to your wondering if this is for the foreseeable future, it is possible that it is to happen for the rest of the academic year, bare minimum until the evenings get lighter and we are through winter. I don’t know TBH. It needs to be discussed.

OP posts:
Mickeysminnie2 · 18/10/2018 22:45

Hold on, did you offer to collect him and bring him home because you felt he was unsafe to walk home? If so, your friend owes you nothing and in fact you are the CF.

explodingid · 18/10/2018 22:51

Just message to say you can't do the lifts anymore. The relief you will feel when you send the message will be immense. I know because I have been there.

I had a friend who used to do a professional job. She befriended me the moment I walked into the school nursery and 'love bombed' me. She was always offering to take my DS to play with her DS. I didn't want him to play over all the time and missed him tbh ! After a couple of months later she manipulated me into taking her son to school in the morning. She would drop him off when we were all busy getting ready for school and then she would get me to be the after school carer whilst she was at work! So glad I untangled myself but it did take a couple of years! Grin

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 22:52

@Mickeysminnie2

I offered for the first few days of term. She said she was going to get a taxi thereafter but it never happened. I guess you’re right, I am the cf. I’m not grabby in any way shape or form as I know I’d never accept cash it’s just that it’s become ‘expected’ now.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 18/10/2018 22:53

How long is the walk? Is it dangerous? What would she have done if you hadn’t offered?

Is it likely she trusts him to get himself home on his own, and it’s your anxieties that have caused you to step in- rather than her wanting you to?

SaucyJack · 18/10/2018 22:53

BTW- you’re obviously not a CF.

Mickeysminnie2 · 18/10/2018 22:57

OK, if you only offered for a few days fair enough, you never said you had put a time line on it. Then just say you can't do it anymore. There really is no need for a confrontation. Simple communication.

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 23:00

It’s about 20mins. Long straight main road with 1 major cross, then a bit of a quieter road. She says she worries about him being accident prone but says he’s safe with us.

OP posts:
TurtleCove · 18/10/2018 23:00

Stop letting her use you as a taxi and see if she's still interested in the friendship. Then you'll know what she's actually like.

Original poster
PrincessEugenieOfYorkieBar · 18/10/2018 23:02

@Mickeysminnie2

It’s just when you get told “I really don’t know what I’d do without you”, you think, oh crap.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 18/10/2018 23:11

I'd be very uncomfortable about dropping him off to an empty house, particularly as you describe him as accident prone. Now before everyone jumps on me, that's because the OP is being the responsible adult for the friend's child by collecting from school, than anything to do with what age a child is o.k at home alone.

Do you think your friend was hoping you'd offer to take him to yours?

tiredgirly · 18/10/2018 23:15

The walk home sounds absolutely fine for a child in year 5!!
She was fine with the idea of him walking , what seems to be an absolutely appropriate route.You interfered and put the idea into your friend and her son's s head that it was unsafe and you would give him a lift and now you want out.
You are the CF not her!!

KurriKurri · 18/10/2018 23:21

It’s just when you get told “I really don’t know what I’d do without you”, you think, oh crap.

Of course you do - that's what you are meant to feel, it is emotional manipulation. Don't let her make you do something you clearly do not want to do. She's taking advantage, she knows she is. her kid is rude, they don;t thank you, they don;t offer money for petrol (even if you wouldn't accept - they should offer or buy you a bottle of wine, bunch of flowers or something)

What would she do without you ? - She'd organize herself and get some proper childcare srted that doesn;t involved her sponging off and manipulating other people. Like everyone else who works, she'll have to pay someone to care for her child, send him to an afterschool club or a childminder. She should have sorted this out before the school year started in September.
It's one thing to ask an occasional favour from afriend that you can reciprocate at some point, it is quite another to take the piss. Friends do not do that.

Tell her that as from Monday you won't be giving any more lifts. Don't give reasons other than 'it's not convenient for me any more' (repeat ad nauseum if she asks you for explanations.)

zzzzz · 18/10/2018 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anniehm · 18/10/2018 23:31

My daughter walked with a friend who lived around the corner to school as I worked, but once they started secondary I drove her friend every day until they got their bike permissions (after feb half term), later they repaid the favour for upper school - it's a case of helping out. By 9 though they walked home alone (our friends son finished 15 mins earlier) - but I was home, I wouldn't accept them going home to an empty house

Walkingdeadfangirl · 18/10/2018 23:36

Quite a simple solution, just tell her "sorry, I cant pick your DC up this term anymore". End of. You do not need to explain yourself. If she asks why, look at her as if she is an alien and say "huh! because we can't, obviously".

Candlelights2345 · 18/10/2018 23:37

You are not the CF!!! You’ve had enough of this arrangement and it’s fine to cancel it - I’d do it politely and hope she’s still be a friend. Good luck OP.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/10/2018 01:54

Hold on, did you offer to collect him and bring him home because you felt he was unsafe to walk home? If so, your friend owes you nothing and in fact you are the CF.

Mickey Mouse logic there - clearly you're in no way, shape or form the CF in this scenario.

The situation doesn't work for you, so you can't help any more.

When she pushes it, you can say the situation has never worked for you but you did it. Now you can't anymore.

Good luck.

As ever, people tip toe around cheeky fuckers, while rhino-hide CFs stomp around everyone else's feelings without a care or consideration in the world.

It doesn't matter if you upset a CF. It only matters when you upset someone who's kind and considerate to you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/10/2018 02:31

I don't think a nine year old should be making his own way home and going back to an empty house. Your friend should be organising after school care. By taking him home you are making yourself responsible if something happens to him after you've dropped him off.

EK36 · 19/10/2018 02:31

Just message her and tell the truth. You can't collect him anymore because the children aren't getting along. That's all you need to say.

Lostthefairytale · 19/10/2018 03:18

To be fair to your friend she probably did miss the point about financial strain. If it’s only a 20 minute walk (about a mile) and you only have to make a slight divert than then realistically it can’t be costing you more than about 50p per week, if that. Given that you describe her as your best friend it seems a bit mean to begrudge it this much. It’s a small kindness which obviously you are unhappy with but it sounds like you are getting stressed out over minor issues which don’t really need a second thought.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/10/2018 07:40

OP does she ever have your kids? Does she or would she help out in an emergency? Would she ever offer to babysit for the evening so you and your husband can go out? Friendship works both ways so if you haven't been able to answer yes to these questions then she is being a CF. There are lots of options for after school care - after school clubs, childminders who pick up or reciprocal arrangements with other parents and flexible working etc. These cost so you are currently saving her hundreds of pounds and you're not getting anything out of this