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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to invite this couple for Christmas dinner

65 replies

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 12:39

My family all get together for Christmas dinner. We also occasionally invite people who don't have plans, have plans that fell through etc.

This year we'd like to ask my mum's close friends but it's a bit awkward. They usually have their daughter, son, their partners and their two grandchildren for dinner. This year, however, their DD and her husband and children are going skiing with friends, and their DS and his partner are expecting a baby in early December and want to stay at home by themselves. As a Christmas present to their parents they have paid for them to have Christmas dinner in a hotel with a drinks reception beforehand.

However the parents really don't want to spend the day in a hotel with a load of strangersand are quite upset about the whole thing. The wife was in tears to my mother the other day. My mum would love to invite them to join us for the day but is worried that their children will be annoyed that they didn't use their present.

WWBU to invite them over, or should we stay out of it?

OP posts:

presentcontinuous · 18/10/2018 12:41

A "you'd be very welcome to join us if you'd like to" should be enough, then they can decide for themselves. You can't be blamed if they don't want to use their present

Socksandshoes · 18/10/2018 12:41

I would ask and then they can make the choice.

SputnikBear · 18/10/2018 12:43

It’s a shame to waste the ridiculous amount that has no doubt been paid for their dinner. I wouldn’t want to lose that money regardless of whether I was the giver or the recipient.

Can they get a refund or sell the tickets? Or can they enjoy a nice dinner and come to yours afterwards?

Also, if you don’t know them then surely they’d be spending the day with strangers regardless of whether they come to yours or stay in the hotel? Do they even want to come to yours?

Personally I’d invite and leave the rest up to them.

GertrudeTheGuineapig · 18/10/2018 12:43

Agree with pps. Just say that if they’d like to join you they’d be very welcome. I bet if they speak to the hotel they can use the voucher another time.

Original poster

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 12:45

Sputnik we know them very well. They were my parents closest friends all the time I and my siblings were growing up and are still very close to my widowed mother.

Thanks for the advice. I'll tell mum that she should just make it clear that they're more than welcome to join us if they'd like to.

OP posts:

serbska · 18/10/2018 12:46

Not your problem if the children are annoyed the gift wasn’t used.

Invite them and it’s uo to them what they do and how they manage the dynamics with their own children.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2018 12:46

Agree, it's hardly your parents' fault if they chose to spend time with you! They could always spend time with you during the day then use the hotel voucher to stay over.

teaandtoast · 18/10/2018 12:47

I'd stay out of it. Maybe invite for drinks later in the day at most.

It may be that their daughter and son are trying to break the parents' expectations of them going to their parents every Christmas.
You might just be stepping in with a new habit for the parents!

Belina · 18/10/2018 12:49

why not

Littlechocola · 18/10/2018 12:50

I would invite them. They could always have Christmas dinner with you and still stay at the hotel if it’s not too far.
It feels like the family can’t be bothered so have chucked money at the ‘problem’.

KC225 · 18/10/2018 12:52

Perphaps the hotel can swap the Christmas dinner to New Years eve or an ordinary dinner on a night.

I think it was a bit of cheek to just to go ahead and book it without consulting the parents. Christmas day out is very Marmite. I know people who swear by it and love it but I would rather warm beans over a candle and I love eating out the rest of the year.

Ask them if they want to spend it with you and tackle the hotel later. They hotel have plenty of time to re-book or offer vouchers. There is no need for it to go to waste.

Original poster

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 13:02

Yes, I think it was a misguided attempt to take the sting out of neither sibling spending Christmas day with their parents. But it's not really what they want to do.

OP posts:

teaandtoast · 18/10/2018 13:08

Well maybe the parents have to grow up a bit. They can't get their own way every year.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 13:12

I too would invite them, and leave it up to them. You are being super kind inviting them and I am sure they would much rather be with you than in a hotel.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/10/2018 13:13

surely it's worth seeing if they can swap the voucher? They can ask the question. (once they've had the invite, of course!)

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/10/2018 13:20

Are you sure you want to invite them? Or will she/they ruin Christmas by moaning about how awful their children are for wanting to spend one Christmas with their own new families? It’s all so overdramatic.

Rebecca36 · 18/10/2018 13:26

It would be nice of you to invite them. Perhaps they can transfer the gift to another date, suggest that but ultimately it's up to them what they choose to do.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas. You sound like smashing people.

Oirobnooo · 18/10/2018 13:27

Coming out of lurk mode to say....how LOVELY it is to read this from you Quips When so many people batten down the hatches and really don't want anyone other than their own inner circle, that you are worried about giving offence by inviting rather than NOT inviting is just heart warming....I am welling up here.

Have a lovely Christmas. I am sure you will,

DarlingNikita · 18/10/2018 13:28

surely it's worth seeing if they can swap the voucher?

I agree with this, but also agree that all you can/should do is extend an invitation. Everyone involved is an adult and the parents can make their own decision, and their children can choose to take the huff about it if they want.

Oirobnooo · 18/10/2018 13:29

And indeed there are so many examples of the snippiness that I would have expected even on this very should thread!!

For eg:

Well maybe the parents have to grow up a bit. They can't get their own way every year

That is just awful!

Oirobnooo · 18/10/2018 13:30

Very short thread.

Told you I was welling up...can't even see the keyboard properly!

lottiegarbanzo · 18/10/2018 13:32

Let them know they'd be very welcome. They will make their own choice, worry about exchanging their voucher if they wish. They are grown-ups.

teaandtoast · 18/10/2018 13:33

I think it's interesting that the adult dc have not just paid for Christmas dinner, but have chosen somewhere with a drinks reception beforehand. Do they think their parents need more friends? Do they find they rely on their adult dc for a social life and want to wean them off a bit?

I thought the woman crying to your mother, op, was manipulative. (Surely Betty won't see us alone on Christmas Day?!)

Oirobnooo · 18/10/2018 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loopytiles · 18/10/2018 13:37

In that situation I would invite the couple, directly.

If the couple don’t want to attend the event their DC booked for them without prior consultation, that’s between them and their DC. They have the assertive option of declining the gift and doing whatever they choose: no need whatsoever for them to be crying to your mother!

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