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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to invite this couple for Christmas dinner

65 replies

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 12:39

My family all get together for Christmas dinner. We also occasionally invite people who don't have plans, have plans that fell through etc.

This year we'd like to ask my mum's close friends but it's a bit awkward. They usually have their daughter, son, their partners and their two grandchildren for dinner. This year, however, their DD and her husband and children are going skiing with friends, and their DS and his partner are expecting a baby in early December and want to stay at home by themselves. As a Christmas present to their parents they have paid for them to have Christmas dinner in a hotel with a drinks reception beforehand.

However the parents really don't want to spend the day in a hotel with a load of strangersand are quite upset about the whole thing. The wife was in tears to my mother the other day. My mum would love to invite them to join us for the day but is worried that their children will be annoyed that they didn't use their present.

WWBU to invite them over, or should we stay out of it?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2018 13:38

I think it would be a lovely thing to do, to invite them. They can then decide for themselves what they would rather do - and maybe they can give the hotel lunch to some other people who would like to do that.

I wouldn't like it much if someone presented me with a "we're not having Christmas with you, so you can go to this hotel instead" situation - no thanks! I'd rather make my own mind up where I'm going if things are going to be different from the usual!

diddl · 18/10/2018 13:38

"I think it was a bit of cheek to just to go ahead and book it without consulting the parents. Christmas day out is very Marmite. "

I do agree with that, but we also don't know what (if anything of course) the parents might ever have said about Christmas Day/lunch just the two of them.

But to be in tears about it??

Tbh I'd have felt like telling them it was a lovely gesture & they might as well give it a try.

Loopytiles · 18/10/2018 13:40

If the adult DCs’ money is wasted, that’s entirely due to their actions IMO. Bad form to book something on Xmas day for others without their prior agreement!

Oirobnooo · 18/10/2018 13:40

I have asked MNHQ to take my last post down. But in the meantime...it looks like I am having a pop at Teaandtoast (two posts in a row) which is honestly not my intention. It's just that I am overflowing with admiration for Quips and her family and am thinking of inviting me and mine over to theirs too!

Oirobnooo · 18/10/2018 13:41

Or maybe Quips and his family....

teaandtoast · 18/10/2018 13:41

Hey, no worries, I didn't see your post.

Spankyoumuchly · 18/10/2018 13:41

I think they should suck it up and try to enjoy the treat their dcs bought them. You can't expect to have Christmas Day with your adult dcs every year. Also I spent many Christmas days with my grandma being completely sour as something displeases her. Are you sure you want to spend the day with two adults in tears because they're enmeshed in their adult dcs lives?

LanaorAna2 · 18/10/2018 13:49

The mother sounds awful. Having hysterics because your DIL will have just given birth and isn't, oddly enough, available to host you and your relations for a Xmas knees-up is not impressive.

But if you like them, go for it. I bet they won't help wash up.

diddl · 18/10/2018 13:51

"I thought the woman crying to your mother, op, was manipulative. (Surely Betty won't see us alone on Christmas Day?!)"

That did occur to me as well.

It's not, afterall as if they have nowhere to go, is it?

Perhaps a compromise would be better & invite them afterwards?

It does seem odd that the kids know their parents so little that their gify has reduced one of them to tears!

Purpleartichoke · 18/10/2018 13:51

An invitation is not a summons

Feel free to invite them and they can choose their preferred event.

KittensAndCake · 18/10/2018 13:53

I thought the woman crying to your mother, op, was manipulative.
Does seem a bit over the top. She must know her adult children have their own lives and it seems this is her first Christmas without them, so she's done well so far.

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/10/2018 13:57

Could you invite them over after dinner, so they can spend the afternoon/evening with you instead?

I will admit, I also wondered if they had quite a small social circle and this was a (slightly clumsy, admittedly) way of their children trying to enlarge it a bit. The tears also made me wonder about existing issues so it's not just about Christmas.

Willow2017 · 18/10/2018 14:02

Maybe she was in tears as she doesnt want to go to a hotel for xmas with strangers and would rather stay at home just the teo of them but felt obliged to as it was a gift?

Maybe her kids should have asked the parents if they would like that before booking it for them and making them feel guilty about not wanting to go?

Its up to them if they would rather go to ops or not. Their kids are doing thier things and the parents are entitled to chose how to spend xmas too.
Lana op says that the adult kids are all hosted by the parents. They arent expecting dil to host the whole family. And she has known them all her life i doubt they are the type to sit back and be waited going by what op said. Rtt.

pallisers · 18/10/2018 14:04

Well maybe the parents have to grow up a bit. They can't get their own way every year.

That is actually funny. Someone thinks being grown up and not getting your own way (why not as a matter of interest - who's way should you get?) means spending christmas in a way dictated by someone else who is off doing their own thing. how weird that people think adults should spend christmas in a hotel rather than with friends because their adult children who are doing something else entirely might possibly prefer it.

OP, your mum's friend sounds a bit wet tbh but maybe she is very elderly. Surely she could have said to her children "what a lovely idea but you know we'd prefer to be in our own house christmas day and we might even get together with friends so could we switch the voucher to another day" why all the crying etc. if she doesn't want to go to the hotel, she doesn't have to.

Glumglowworm · 18/10/2018 14:11

Their DC are perfectly reasonable to want to spend Christmas how they choose.

And I’m sure the present was well intentioned. But just as the DC can choose how they spend Christmas, so can the parents and if they’d rather be with your family than a hotel that’s their choice.

Encourage your parents to invite them and suggest that they ask the hotel about swapping the voucher to another night.

Original poster

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 14:12

Thanks for some of the lovely replies on here. I appreciate them.

To other posters, I hope I haven't given the impression that mum's friends are controlling or self absorbed. They really aren't, they're lovely people. But they're understandably (in my view) upset that they won't have any family around on Christmas day. They certainly haven't been crying or saying anything negative in front of their children.

OP posts:

RibbonAurora · 18/10/2018 14:17

I think the gift of dinner out, while nice per se, is a bit of a patronizing sop and it’s not for everyone. Thing is it’s ok for us to say they need to expand their social circle and change their expectations of every Christmas being spent with their adult children, but it’s not that simple if they’ve always been used to a family Christmas.

I’ve been to one of these hotel Christmases one year when we thought we’d take a long weekend away and found it faintly dismal and depressing; people didn’t actually interact and socialize as such except with servers and employees who were all very nice but it was forced-jollity nevertheless. Much rather stay home and celebrate just us if no family options are in the offing.

Crying is over the top but maybe that was in the initial moment of disappointment of not seeing either of her dc at Christmas. OP says she knows the couple well and clearly she doesn’t think there’s much likelihood of the wife being a wet blanket and ruining the day - I think it’s a lovely gesture to invite them.

PinkHeart5914 · 18/10/2018 14:27

I would offer to host them and then they as adults can make the choice for themselves.

Yes it was nice of the dc to pay for dinner in a hotel but sometimes at Christmas you want friendly faces around and a good time with people you know rather than sitting in a hotel

JakeBallardswife · 18/10/2018 14:40

Invite them, they can then decide what to do. It may be that they want to come to you and then can go to the hotel and ask to change the reservation for another day.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/10/2018 14:42

It's unfortunate that both the friends' children have broken free dipped out in the same year but I think your parent's Mother is being a bit ungrateful.

The children have at least thought about it and tried to do something nice. They might even enjoy it, although I appreciate it would be annoying to be dictated to as to how you spend your Christmases - oh wait...

As PPs have said, I would let it be known that they're welcome at yours.

FrancisCrawford · 18/10/2018 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PavlovianLunge · 18/10/2018 14:58

Well maybe the parents have to grow up a bit. They can't get their own way every year.

How unpleasant. And we don’t know that the mother ‘went crying’ to the OP’s mother. Isn’t it just as likely that Christmas was being discussed, as people do, and the woman became upset? You know, because she loves her family and would like to spend Christmas with them. Not because she’s being manipulative.

Really, some people’s comments don’t do them any favours. I hope you’re not as jaded and unkind in real life.

OP, you and your family sound lovely. Ignore the negativity and do what you think is right.

Didiusfalco · 18/10/2018 15:01

I think it’s fine for the adult dc to do something else, but I would not be happy for the lunch out to sprung on me without being asked - I’d find it a bit patronising. The parents are totally within their rights to make the plans that suit them best just as the dc have.

SenecaFalls · 18/10/2018 15:11

Did the children discuss the gift with their parents beforehand? If not that might be part of the reason for the upset. I would just invite them, and let them sort out how they want to handle the hotel voucher situation.

Clothrabbit · 18/10/2018 15:15

I think it's a bit unkind of the adult DC to both choose the same year to not join their parents for Christmas. If the son lives nearby surely they could call over for a while on Christmas Day or ask the parents to call over and see them. If that's not possible due to distance, surely the daughter could have gone skiing after Christmas.

I don't agree with posters saying the parents should just suck it up and not get upset. I think most parents would be upset if a traditional family Christmas was suddenly reduced to just them on their own. I don't know anyone in real life who would leave their parents on their own for the entirety of Christmas Day unless it was completely unavoidable or the parents insisted for some reason.

It's really only on MN that I encounter the attitude that this is perfectly fine and any parent who gets upset is being manipulative or selfish.

Toxic parents excluded.

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