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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my son in the wrong.....

83 replies

Mroogieboogie · 18/10/2018 07:30

8 year old son is a lot like me, very affectionate to the people he's close too, hates being touched by anyone else. There is a girl in his class who likes him, always trying to cuddle him and in his personal space, he's told me before he doesn't like playing with her as she always hugs and kisses him. Time goes on and this girls mother stops me to tell me that my DS kicked her DD, i said sorry, doesn't sound like him, I'll have a word etc, she said her DD was hugging him. Now my DS isn't perfect at all, but he's not a fighty type, he doesn't even get physical with his siblings, and also this girl is clearly not taking no for an answer, i don't think he should have kicked her at all, but he must have been pushed to his limits to do that. AIBU in thinking that I actually understand why my DS lost his shit with constantly saying no but still having his boundaries pushed. I can't help but feel that if my DS wouldn't leave her DD alone and she kicked out he'd still be in the wrong and her daughter would have just been protecting herself...

OP posts:

Juells · 18/10/2018 09:16

Get real.

^^ this. I may have a slightly skewed attitude towards physical violence though, as I grew up in rural Ireland and my friends and I used to have pre-arranged pitched battles with children from other areas 😳 A hangover from 'faction fighting' I suspect.

Quartz2208 · 18/10/2018 09:17

You need to get it sorted it should not reach the point where the only course of action your son feels he has is to kick because honestly he should not need to be

It sounds like her hugging him has been minimised - he does not like it and it’s inappropriate talk to the teacher

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 09:17

And btw, a hug when it’s not wanted is NOT APPROPRIATE OR NICE OR CUTE.
It’s not because it’s a ‘hug’ that an unwanted touch is ok. Never.

BrisaOtonal · 18/10/2018 09:17

this girls mother stops me to tell me that my DS kicked her DD

I would go back to her mother and tell her that you will talk to your son about kicking and make sure it doesn't happen again but in return she needs to ask her daughter not to hug and kiss your son as it is inappropriate and he really doesn't like it. Also tell the teacher. I don't condone his kicking at all but her behaviour is also not acceptable.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 09:19

hello no it’s self defence from REPEATED bullying.

Or are you saying that a victim of bullying should never ever defend themselves because they might hurt the bully?

HoppingPavlova · 18/10/2018 09:19

If it is "harassment" what is the OPs child's response? Assault?

No, self-defence.

If you were walking along and some man came up to you from behind, jumped on you, hugged you and wouldn’t let go and you kicked him in order to get him off you so you could escape you really think you are going to be found guilty of assault?

willgiveitago · 18/10/2018 09:26

I agree with the poster who said he should start shouting if she keeps trying to hug him. “Stop touching me!” etc. Then he’s allowing himself to react but not with violence.
The girls behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriate - a total lack of respecting boundaries. I could very much understand that behaviour in a Reception class but this is not on at this age. I’m surprised the school isn’t doing more to reinforce that she should not be behaving like this.

SuperLambBananas · 18/10/2018 09:29

I'm on your sons side, given he is not a violent or aggressive boy in general.

I remember grabby kids and school and I'd rather be on the receiving end of a kick than an unwanted hug to be honest! That panicky feeling is awful. Adults can talk forever about respecting boundaries but his one kick has solved the problem for him, and taught her a natural consequence. I imagine the punishment is worth it for him.

I'd draw a line under it and move on, he's not going to suddenly become a thug now.

Italiangreyhound · 18/10/2018 09:41

Speak to the other mum, speak to the school. Your son was not wrong to want to escape this girl's attentions but kicking wasn't right, it would have been better to move away. The little girl needs to be told to leave him alone.

BrisaOtonal · 18/10/2018 09:42

My eldest (then 12) was on the receiving end of unwanted attention from an 11 year old girl we are remotely related to. She would cosy up to him on the sofa and touch his arm and face and tried to kiss him a few times. He didn't say anything because he says he doesn't want to be rude but he would go mad afterwards. I was always amazed when her mum said nothing about it. In the end I started to say things like "are you OK there DS1. Do you want to come sit next to me" because at the end of the day any misunderstanding there and I bet it would be my DS who ended up in the wrong. I've since told him that he is free to say "get off me, I don't like it" or "I don't want you touching me" and I am more than happy to deal with the fall out. Don't think it is going to happen though as he now refuses to go to their house because of the DD. I think if I hadn't noticed and stepped in it may have resulted in a big pushing off or a loss of temper on his part so I can see where your DS is coming from.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 09:47

I would certainly NOT talk to the other mum but go and see the teacher.

The girl needs to stop and the ds needs to have a strategy in place, agreed with the teacher (such as shouting Don’t touch me!).
A talk on ‘No means No’ whether you are a boy or a girl as well as one about respecting people boundaries/wishes wouodnt go amiss either.

Billben · 18/10/2018 09:50

I don’t see anything wrong with what your DS had done.

tiggerkid · 18/10/2018 09:51

It sounds like it may be a good idea to have an open chat with the girl's mum. You can approach her as a followup to the conversation that she started about your son kicking her daughter. Say you've spoken to him and he explained he is getting quite annoyed with her hugging him all the time. Make it sound friendly like you don't have anything against it but children are children and he doesn't like being hugged by just anyone, who might feel like it even though you appreciate her daughter is just affectionate and expressive. You might also tell her that he mentioned that several times to you already that he didn't like it.

If you don't feel comfortable with that, then maybe it would be a good idea to approach that with the school and let them talk to the mother of the girl.

I know it's not ideal and may even seem petty to some but I personally think that if this is left unresolved, it's only likely to get worse. It's not particularly fair to be telling your son that he has to just accept it either because he doesn't have to accept those hugs any more than any adult would have to accept constant hugs from a work colleague.

Italiangreyhound · 18/10/2018 09:53

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday "I would certainly NOT talk to the other mum but go and see the teacher."

I'd usually agree with this and always go via the teacher but the OP said "Time goes on and this girls mother stops me to tell me that my DS kicked her DD, i said sorry, doesn't sound like him, I'll have a word etc, she said her DD was hugging him."

I think I would want the other mum to know from me, because she started talking to me about it. That's why I said but, but I can see your point MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday.

itsonlysubterfuge · 18/10/2018 10:02

I don't think your son was wrong. If you change 8 year old to 18 year old..

We so often teach our kids that hitting isn't the way, but as an adult, if someone was hugging me and wouldn't let go, despite being told to stop and I couldn't get a way, I would definately be hitting and kicking them.

Your son has used all avenues available to him. He's told an adult he trusted, he's used his words to express it his views, he's avoided her when he can. What else is the poor boy suppose to do?

RedDrink · 18/10/2018 10:03

You've talked to your son about kicking, now the other mother needs to talk to her daughter about harassment and respecting the word "No.".

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2018 10:05

He’s 8. I hate the use of them like violence. He’s 8, she annoyed him so he gave her a kick. Happens all the time. Not a big deal.

She needs to be told not to kiss or hug him because he doesn’t like it. He needs to be told not to kick other children when they do things he doesn’t like.

He also needs to know he can stand up for himself. She needs to know it’s lovely to be affectionate, but not everyone likes it.

Keep it light - have a giggle with the other mum. But let her and the teacher know what came before the kick.

havingabadhairday · 18/10/2018 10:09

And anyone who sees hugging and kissing as harmless - would you see it as harmless if it was a 15 year old boy to a 15 year old girl?

I was about 14 or 15 when one of the boys in my class grabbed me and hugged me. I actually drew blood when he wouldn't let me go - long nails!

No idea what he thought he was doing, he was usually decent and not one of the boys prone to groping the girls.

Happyandshiney · 18/10/2018 10:09

So if for example a drunk female colleague leapt on a male colleague’s back repeatedly and wouldn’t let go you’d think the man kicking her to remove her would be acceptable?

Because I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be in real life.

The situation changes if it was a stranger or if you were in fear for your safety of course. But neither of those is the case here.

NB: I’m neither defending the girl’s behaviour nor feeling sorry for her, I just don’t think kicking was the right course of action here.

BarbarianMum · 18/10/2018 10:11

Go see the teacher.
Remind your son that loud verbal warnings come before kicking.
Ultimately though self defence is not a crime. Even if you're male.

BarbarianMum · 18/10/2018 10:14

Why wouldnt using force to stop a colleague jumping on you be acceptable Happy? If they are not responding to verbal requests to stop wtf are you supposed to do?

The OP has explained why it was a kick - his arms were pinned so he couldnt just push her off.

slimjemima · 18/10/2018 10:25

well, I don't understand why the matter of the hugging and kissing has been allowed to get so far with no previous action bein taken.Did you or your DS report it to the teacher? That is the obvious first step, or how does the little girl know she is doing anything wrong?
Kicking her is an extremely aggressive overreaction (although I can understand it is extremely embarrassing for your DS as well as the invasion of space). He could have held his arms out to stop her being able to move in close, or pushed her away. It is actually pretty difficult to kick someone who is close enough to kiss you, they have to be a bit further away.so I would assume the kick came after the event, in which case it was not self defence

slimjemima · 18/10/2018 10:31

Sorry RTFT now
She was on his back hugging from behind
so that changes everything!!!
.Leaping on someone's back and squeezing them is not a hug- that is a fight move to bring someone down!
How come the teachers don't see kids leaping on each others backs?

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/10/2018 10:34

@hellomatey. As the mother of the girl you would be fuming? I have one DD and 2 DSs. I have experience of this kind of thing unfortunately. After that I told my DSs never to hit a girl first, but if a girl hit them first to retaliate. Girls should not go around thinking they can physically touch/hit/hug boys with impunity. OP's DS didn't retaliate hard the first time this girl hugged him without permission and against his will.

I used to say to my DC before I learnt better, turn the other cheek, tell the teacher... That didn't seem to work. Retaliation worked... immediately. There's idealism and there's pragmatism. I much prefer pragmatism. It might have saved my DD many years of heartache and damage to her mental health.

beachysandy81 · 18/10/2018 10:52

Tbh kicking in that situation is just self defence. They are 8 so the boy/girl strength thing is not an issue, in fact it sounds like the girl is stronger. Have a word with the school. They wouldn't put up with boys trying to force hugs and kisses on girls so it should be the same the other way round.

I don't think the mother should have approached you about it but at least you know the situation now.

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