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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my son in the wrong.....

83 replies

Mroogieboogie · 18/10/2018 07:30

8 year old son is a lot like me, very affectionate to the people he's close too, hates being touched by anyone else. There is a girl in his class who likes him, always trying to cuddle him and in his personal space, he's told me before he doesn't like playing with her as she always hugs and kisses him. Time goes on and this girls mother stops me to tell me that my DS kicked her DD, i said sorry, doesn't sound like him, I'll have a word etc, she said her DD was hugging him. Now my DS isn't perfect at all, but he's not a fighty type, he doesn't even get physical with his siblings, and also this girl is clearly not taking no for an answer, i don't think he should have kicked her at all, but he must have been pushed to his limits to do that. AIBU in thinking that I actually understand why my DS lost his shit with constantly saying no but still having his boundaries pushed. I can't help but feel that if my DS wouldn't leave her DD alone and she kicked out he'd still be in the wrong and her daughter would have just been protecting herself...

OP posts:

Original poster

Mroogieboogie · 18/10/2018 08:32

She was on his back hugging from behind (remember she's bigger) and he kicked back with his leg as she wouldn't get off. Sorry if that's a drip feed. I probably should have explained that in OP.

And I do honestly think switch the genders and you get a different view.

OP posts:

LittleBookofCalm · 18/10/2018 08:32

i wouldnt be talking to the other parent, that comes across as Tit for tat. teach your son to Say No to physical contact that he doesnt want.
tell teacher what happened

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 18/10/2018 08:33

Your son needs to understand he was wrong to kick, whatever the reason but you know that. As a parent I'd be less worried as you know why he did but you need to reinforce that kicking is never right and if he doesn't like what she's doing, he needs to tell the teacher. Make it clear to the other Mum you have taken action but she also needs to have words with her daughter about her behaviour being unacceptable too. If that doesn't work, have a word with the teacher

pictish · 18/10/2018 08:35

Yeah well...that’s what she gets. I’d kick out back if someone jumped on my back like that too. This is not a rodeo and if you treat me like a horse, I’ll fucking kick like one.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2018 08:38

Of course both children were wrong.

Imagine your son as an adult op. Some female hugs him and he doesn't want it, and he kicks her. Would you say well she was a heavy woman and wouldn't take no for an answer so it was ok for him to kick her? No you wouldn't and neither would anyone else.

As such, even if the other person is in the wrong, he needs to be taught the physical violence, especially to a female, even if she is bigger, isn't going to ever be acceptable.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/10/2018 08:42

I think the way @Returnofthesmileybar has it in a nutshell how you should respond to the mother of the girl who has been hugging your son - please follow her advice on this. It's factual without coming across as stressed or unnecessary.

Best of luck when you talk to the school. They should definitely begin the 'No means no' talks so that all kids understand it.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2018 08:44

I think the fact that she was hugging from behind puts a different slant on it.

That's far more aggressive and more like a 'hold' than a 'hug'.

Absolutely speak to the teacher, but I'm not entirely sure your son was in the wrong there. That's exactly what you'd do to get out of a holding situation.

Juells · 18/10/2018 08:46

Your son needs to understand he was wrong to kick, whatever the reason but you know that.

I wouldn't accept that at all. I had daughters, but if they were doing that kind of thing and got kicked I'd have considered that they'd learned a valuable lesson.

TBH the other child sounds like a bully.

Alaria4 · 18/10/2018 08:49

Speak to the teachers about this. You could try talking to the parents of said child but this is happening in school time and it would be something the teachers can monitor for your son.

This is for me the most frustrating thing to deal with at school. Children should learn personal space and also to respect other people's wishes.

My son is under a pediatrician for ASD and sensory processing disorder - he constantly has felt the need to touch, hug and kiss etc and sometimes this has been appropriate. He just started school this September and --hopefully I'm not speaking to soon-he has learnt personal space and respect.

No means no.

It's great this child clearly likes your son but there can be more constructive ways to show someone you like them, perhaps she could draw him pictures or something.

Just my opinion but I would not punish your son. He has reacted because he is not being listened to or respected. It doesn't mean you condone "violence", it simply means that you understand how frustrated he was and its a shame that he felt another way. I'd be the same if somebody wouldn't leave me alone!

LilMy33 · 18/10/2018 08:49

My daughter has been on the receiving end of this sort of thing at school from a boy. After teaching her to say to the boy to stop I went in to speak to the teacher about it. Have you not done this yet? That would be my first port of call. The mother of the girl should have done this too rather than approach you in the playground about it.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 08:50

First of all this is NOT about a man hurting a woman.
It shouod be about not using force/physical agression (unless under attack)with anyone.

Whether this girl was indeed attacking your ds is another discussion.
I think it’s worth looking at it the other way around. If a boy had been continuously trying to hug and girl and she didn’t like it, would the boy be seen as a pest and totally out of line? Yes and so is that little girl imo. She should know to respect people’s boundaries.

Going back to the analogy, if the girl who was hugged but didn’t want to,p be, was pushing the boy away, kicking him because he wasn’t taking No for an answer, would she be attacking the boy or acting in self defence? I suspect most people would say self defence. And rightly so.
Where it gets harder in your case, is that people will see a boy (man) hitting a girl (woman) and therefore something totally unacceptable.
Which makes me think it’s even more important to teach your ds to go and see the teacher, talk about boundaries and maybe also learn to say very loudly (or scream?) ‘No I don’t want a hug!’ again and again.

Juells · 18/10/2018 08:52

FFS, is there supposed to be some magical aura that hangs around women to protect them from the consequences of their actions? If an adult woman kept hugging someone who'd asked her to stop, she deserves to be physically stopped in any way possible.

I've seen teenage boys bullying a boy from another school, and all they were doing was tipping the back of his neck with a ruler as he sat waiting for a train. But they kept doing it, over and over and over again. It wasn't violent, but it was unwanted physical touching. Imagine if he'd kicked one of the bullies, the cries of 'they were just joshing around and he turned violent!" .

Alaria4 · 18/10/2018 08:55

*felt there was no other way.

Just read your updated comment about how it happened - what else was he meant to do then?? Definitely don't think he is in the wrong at all!

What should he have done? Just accept it and let it happen?

Seen a few previous posters and have this to say;

If a woman is being hugged and in the process of being restrained by a man, is this OK? Should she lay there and take it?

OP, I think you are right about the switching of genders.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 08:55

even if the other person is in the wrong, he needs to be taught the physical violence, especially to a female, even if she is bigger, isn't going to ever be acceptable.

This is where the issue is and where I think things can go wrong.
Most people will think it’s NEVER ok for a man to hit a woman.
They seem to forget that actually some women are aggressive and will attack men. This is why it’s so hard for men to come forward and talk about domestic violence (of a woman on a man).

Now I fully agree that MOST aggressions are committed by men. But I disagree with a blanket statement. And the OP’s case is a very good example of that.
If they were adults and not children, i would see that behaviour as assault just like I would see a man forcing a hug on a woman as assault too. It shouod be treated as such.

Happyandshiney · 18/10/2018 08:58

And I do honestly think switch the genders and you get a different view.

I wouldn’t think it was acceptable for my DD to kick my DS if he jumped on her back.

I’d think it was acceptable for herto move to pull his arms apart, roll to the side to drop him off or yell at him.

You are opening a can of worms if you tell him it’s ok.

hiddeneverything · 18/10/2018 09:01

I can totally understand his frustration and understand why he kicked her. At 8 he is still a child and learning about how to stand up for himself, and she is still a child learning about boundaries too, so this is a good lesson for everyone. My DS (3 at the time), normally an Angel, slapped his best friend across the face at nursery one day. Similar circumstances, the boy just kept on and on and on at him to play, do this, do that, and ds just wanted to play himself, so the boy eventually got a slap in the face. Of course I gave DS a massive row, but tbf the boy is really annoying....

Lalliella · 18/10/2018 09:08

OP YANBU and your son definitely isn’t in the wrong, it was self defence. The other mum is in the wrong for approaching you, that is absolutely not allowed at my kids’ school at all, everything has to go through the school.

When we have discussed sexual harassment with our kids, my daughter has said she’d kick someone in the balls who was touching her against her will, and I would condone this. I don’t think it’s any different if the genders are reversed. No means no and if it takes a kick for that girl to realise that then hopefully she has now learned a lesson.

Anybody saying it’s wrong, what would you do if you wanted to get someone off you that had grabbed you? Attempt to reason with them or use physical force? Get real.

Hellomatey001 · 18/10/2018 09:11

Slightly aghast at some of the responses here.

A lot pretty much along the lines "yep pretty much ok to kick a girl if she hugs you."

I presume the girl is 8 too. An 8 year old girl hugging someone and getting kicked as a result is horrible. I can imagine people's responses if the girls mum had posted here, it would "that's outrageous /disgusting /terrible...physical violence against a girl" . If I was the girls mum I would be fuming. Posters have claimed she was "harassing" him (she's a child too btw) even so, but then should the response be violence?

I think you needed to speak to the school if your son was uncomfortable and the girls mother before thus incident.

With all due respect, it is concerning that you are making excuses for his violent behaviour (he was pushed to it, had had enough). I think speaking to him about his behaviour about not getting violent and talking to parents/teachers is the best way forward.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 09:11

Happy I agree that this is what I wouod expect the FIRST time to happen. After several weeks of saying No and the other person been pushy and not listening? I’m not so sure. Because yes it’s transformed itself into bullying/harassment.

Bekabeech · 18/10/2018 09:13

Okay - my take - anything that happens in school is the schools responsibility.
Which means my first response to the Mum would be "What did the teacher say?"

Second I would have a word with the teacher. To be honest hugging and kissing is pretty inappropriate in school (even at 8) and especially if the other person doesn't like it. Your son shouldn't have kicked her - but she definitely shouldn't be hugging or kissing people.

(And anyone who sees hugging and kissing as harmless - would you see it as harmless if it was a 15 year old boy to a 15 year old girl?)

HoppingPavlova · 18/10/2018 09:13

I wouldn’t think it was acceptable for my DD to kick my DS if he jumped on her back.

If my DS jumped on my DD back and held her in a hug and she told him to stop and he didn’t i’d fully back her breaking his fucking ribs if necessary to get him off.

SoupDragon · 18/10/2018 09:13

A lot pretty much along the lines "yep pretty much ok to kick a girl if she hugs you."

No there aren't. It is long standing, regular harassment, not a hug.

diddl · 18/10/2018 09:14

"I’d think it was acceptable for herto move to pull his arms apart, roll to the side to drop him off or yell at him."

Good grief, why must she show such restraint to his unrestrained action of leaping on her?

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 18/10/2018 09:15

I have to say if I had a girl and they were harassing someone, boy or girl, for weeks like this (because trying to hug someone when they don’t want to is NOT nice or cute. It is bullying/harassment/non respond someone else boundaries), then i would not be surprised by the answer of the other person.
Actually I would have drummed into my child that if another child says NO, they have to stop.

The issue in this case (and the way some posters have presented it) is that it will probably be the first time the dd mum hears about her dd wanting to hug the OP’s dc so she is likely to see it as a one off rather than a totally undesirable behaviour/bullying/harassment

Hellomatey001 · 18/10/2018 09:16

If it is "harassment" what is the OPs child's response? Assault?

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