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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad that DH doesn’t want any more children?

66 replies

Beeperbird · 18/10/2018 07:25

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 8, we have two children - 2.5 and 3 months.
All our time together we’ve been talking about having three children. It’s always been what we both wanted.
We had to have IVF to have our two DC (there is a very low chance we can get pregnant naturally) and I had awful pregnancies - I had HG in both of them.
Last night we had a conversation about birth control and what to do as I’m going to combination feed soon... and DH announced he wants the snip!!! I’m gobsmacked as this is a huge turn around. I’m happy to not have IVF again (we just can’t afford it) but assumed we’d keep the door open by just seeing what happened, as three children was always the plan.
He says he’s happy with the two we’ve got now and just doesn’t want another, he can’t explain why he just says “I just don’t want another child”.
I feel like the future we’ve planned has just gone up in smoke!! I feel so sad and shocked by this.
It’s not even like I’d like another right now, but I want to keep the possibility there... but it’s a hard no from him.
I don’t know what to do.
We’ve even talked in the past about adoption if we didn’t want to do IVF & pregnancy again but apparently that’s a hard no too now - he just has changed his mind and wants no more children.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 18/10/2018 07:28

It must be hard that he changed his mind but that is his right. Your youngest is only 3mo so he may change his mind again in a couple of years. Did he say he was planning to get the snip soon?

Last night we had a conversation about birth control and what to do as I’m going to combination feed soon.

What do you mean by this? You know exclusive bf isn't guaranteed contraception?

LoniceraJaponica · 18/10/2018 07:29

I'm sorry, but the person who doesn't want any more trumps the one who does.

I could only have one child (infertility issues), so at least you have one more than me.

bubbles092 · 18/10/2018 07:30

I have one DS and wish my husband would get the snip! I'm definitely not having anymore children.

JennyOnAPlate · 18/10/2018 07:33

I was desperate for a third child at one point (it kicked in when dc2 was about 6 months old) and dh was adamant that it wouldn't happen. Dc 2 is almost 9 now and I'm so glad that we didn't go for a third, for a variety of reasons.

It really isn't the end of the world.

SerenDippitty · 18/10/2018 07:34

So you are very unlikely to conceive naturally and you cannot afford IVF, so realistically you weren’t going to have a third child anyway. And at this moment you don’t even want another child.

Perhaps your DH doesn’t want you to go through another awful pregnancy, Be grateful for the two children you have, and that he is happy to have the snip and take responsibility for contraception.

Original poster

Beeperbird · 18/10/2018 07:35

I know EBF isn’t guaranteed contraception - but it was just something that prompted that discussion. After our last pregnancy we didn’t use contraception at all as I very rarely (if ever) ovulate so I assumed we were just following the same plan but wanted to double check and talk to him about it and it seemed like the right time.
Yeah he says he wants to book it in ASAP... no idea what timelines would be for it to actually get done

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 07:35

I can see why he's saying this tbf OP. You've got a 2.5 and 3 month old so are both probably exhausted and have your hands full, been through the stress of ivf plus had HG, which is obviously worse for you but that would have impacted on him and your eldest dc.

Try and not to caught up with obsessing about a 3rd, focus on the dc you have now, they grow so quickly, you blink and they're 5, a teenager, getting married and having their own dc.

I think putting it to bed for now is a good idea and maybe in a few years broach it again, he may have mellowed and changed his mind now the dc are older but he may not.

BrightLightsAndSound · 18/10/2018 07:36

I mean.......

You have 2 already. Plenty of people dont even have one. Im not sure what having "a plan" has to do with anything. Life happens, plans change, he's happy with the family you have and you need to accept it.
Imagine, in the pre IVF world, you would have had no children. Try looking at it that way and changing your mindset to feeling blessed rather than thwarted if you see what I mean. Good luck!

Smarshian · 18/10/2018 07:36

I think yanbu to be upset but presumably dh isn't getting the snip immediately and there will be time for further conversation as your youngest is only 3months.
That being said, if he doesn't want anymore, he doesn't want anymore and you will either need to accept that or move on and find someone who wants more children with you.
I realise this may not be your ideal scenario but he has the right to change his mind.
You are in a tough stage at the moment with 2 young children so I would just encourage you not to make any rash decisions. I know as I currently have 2 under 2. It's tough and I can't imagine adding to it at the moment! My youngest is 4 months.

Original poster

Beeperbird · 18/10/2018 07:37

I know I’m lucky to have the two I’ve got, don’t get me wrong. However it’s such a complete turn around on the conversations we were having even just a few months ago before DC2 was born, and I’m so sad that he is closing this door without even being able to properly explain to me why

OP posts:

BrightLightsAndSound · 18/10/2018 07:41

Maybe he's starting to feel the financial pressure and reconsidering, would actually like to have a little spare for you guys to be able to enjoy life, not squeezing every last penny into raising a third child.

From what i understand, ivf is expensive and is also all encompassing in terms of taking up peoples mental space and emotions, is that right? So maybe he just wants to enjoy his small family and get back to you and him loving life together as a couple, rather than going back through the IVF mill.

Surely those reasons are pretty understandable?

Villainelle · 18/10/2018 07:42

Maybe he's feeling a bit down after all the stress of the IVF, pregnancy and new baby. I would ask him not to get the snip until your baby is 1 then you can reassess.

BrightLightsAndSound · 18/10/2018 07:44

@Villainelle
Although if the roles were reversed and a man asked her not to get her tubes tied, posters would be like "hes a controlling fuck who clearly has no respect for what YOU want and your own governance over your body and fertility, leave NOW"

speakout · 18/10/2018 07:51

You need to talk about this.

I am not a fan of sterilisation in most circumstances.

I understand your dilemma, but I would be thinking more about such a drastic step for his own sake,
How old is he?
No one can forsee the future.

Your children are very young, give it a few years and you may be the one who doesn't want a third child.
You may split up, your OH may want children with someone else.
An unpalatable thought, but now out of the question.

On a side note I wanted 3 kids, OH wanted to stop at 2 so we did.

As they got older I was extremely glad that we stopped.

Everyone is allowed to change their minds.

Mrsmadevans · 18/10/2018 07:58

OP , do they give you the option to bank sperm , only perhaps that would be a way around it. Congratulations on your baby

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 18/10/2018 07:58

But you've said that you are very unlikely to conceive without ivf and you can't afford it. So the 2 of you having a third child was not going to happen
Look at it this way. He is ensuring that he will not have any more children with ANYONE.

User97532468 · 18/10/2018 08:01

We always wanted 3, but again with HG in both pregnancies then PND after the second we are both in agreement a 3rd is not a good idea. I can’t go through another pregnancy. They’re 6&4 now and a 3rd would have changed the dynamics too much I think, happy with what we have! My eldest loves babies so often asks for more so we haven’t rules out adoption but when they’re much older and we’d probably try for siblings.

beccii161016 · 18/10/2018 08:08

However it’s such a complete turn around on the conversations we were having even just a few months ago before DC2 was born

To be fair, there is a difference between expecting DC2 and having them here with now two children to look after. Maybe he is finding it more difficult than he first imagined. Also, you may have had a "plan" but he is more than entitled to change his mind, as of course would you have been.

Also, you say you're upset mainly because he "can't give you reasons" but if you're 100% honest with yourself, knowing how much you currently would like 3 children, would any of those reasons be good enough for you anyway?

Let this sink in and don't let it take away from the time spent enjoying your current DC's. As others have said, it may be that you decide you wouldn't like a third DC further down the line or it could be that DP does. Who knows? 3 months post partum is very soon and plans change as you have discovered.

SilverLining10 · 18/10/2018 08:09

yabu. It was a difficult process each time and you said it wont be affordable. Maybe the pressure of all that is what your dh doesnt want to go through. And thats fair and reasonable enough.

I think what's sad is that you have a brand new baby and you are focused on a child that doesn't even exist. Isnt your 2 enough? Why is 3 the magic number.

puzzledlady · 18/10/2018 08:13

You had HG. So did I - for almost all of my two pregnancies. Were you on the hardest stuff going - the ones they administer to cancer patients after chemo to help keep food down? If so, then I totally understand why your husband might not want you to go though another pregnancy. You have two. That’s amazing already.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/10/2018 08:14

At the very least he needs to be sympathetic and understanding to your position, because he’s the one who has gone back on your agreement. He’s pulled the rug out and owes you a proper explanation and support whilst you adapt.

kamilakarmin · 18/10/2018 08:20

Me as well. It takes a lot of courage to get a vasectomy - from both sides. But I'm still afraid that one day he'll regret it and will blame me for this decision.

Cutietips · 18/10/2018 08:20

Sorry but it seems a bit dramatic to say the future we’d planned has all gone up in smoke. It’s changed a bit from three to two children, but you’ve still got a future and you’ve still got family life and your children are so very young. Maybe he’s realised that it’s much more pressure than he anticipated having two actual children compared with when he imagined the three theoretical children. It’s been a difficult road for both of you with IVF and then HG and then two children under three. How easy are you to talk things through with? You may have to start mourning the fact you will only have two children because both people have to agree to have more and he really is entitled to change his mind.

AnotherEmma · 18/10/2018 08:29

YANBU to be upset and disappointed that he has changed his mind. But he does have the right to change his mind, of course. Perhaps it would be easier for you to accept if he was able to articulate his reasons more clearly? Perhaps you just need some time to adjust, and “grieve” the idea of the third child you were hoping for one day?

FWIW I only want two so I think it’s sensible to stop at two, but I can imagine that I’d feel very upset if DH unilaterally decided to get a vasectomy now (we had agreed on two but since our first child was born he’s not so sure!) Luckily we have agree to wait and see.

Your DH sounds absolutely sure but perhaps out of respect for your feelings he might agree to wait a bit - maybe 3 months or so - before booking the vasectomy? That way you have some time to talk and get used to the idea?

diddl · 18/10/2018 08:34

Is it a big turn around to change the number of kids that you want by one?

Sorry Op, but you sound really ungrateful for what you have.

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