to be sad that DH doesn’t want any more children?

[Beeperbird]

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 8, we have two children - 2.5 and 3 months.
All our time together we’ve been talking about having three children. It’s always been what we both wanted.
We had to have IVF to have our two DC (there is a very low chance we can get pregnant naturally) and I had awful pregnancies - I had HG in both of them.
Last night we had a conversation about birth control and what to do as I’m going to combination feed soon... and DH announced he wants the snip!!! I’m gobsmacked as this is a huge turn around. I’m happy to not have IVF again (we just can’t afford it) but assumed we’d keep the door open by just seeing what happened, as three children was always the plan.
He says he’s happy with the two we’ve got now and just doesn’t want another, he can’t explain why he just says “I just don’t want another child”.
I feel like the future we’ve planned has just gone up in smoke!! I feel so sad and shocked by this.
It’s not even like I’d like another right now, but I want to keep the possibility there... but it’s a hard no from him.
I don’t know what to do.
We’ve even talked in the past about adoption if we didn’t want to do IVF & pregnancy again but apparently that’s a hard no too now - he just has changed his mind and wants no more children.

Life happens, plans change

Exactly, the way OP is talking you'd swear he signed a contract in blood.

He's changed his mind. Don't blame him tbh. It's been gruelling getting to two. And two is pleasant. You don't have to change the car, holidays are easy to book, you can afford stuff for two, one kid for each pair of arms....... Having three is no joke. There have been a lot of threads on it here "I don't regret having a third but by god it would have been easier to stop at two" kind of thing.

You have two kids. Try to live in the moment.

'I don't want anymore children' IS a reason.

I can understand you being shocked that he wants a vasectomy when previously you both said you'd like 3 children and I think AnotherEmma's suggestion of him waiting 3 months to have it done is a good one as it will give you time to come to terms with everything and get your head around it.

Also if you couldn't afford anymore IVF it's very unlikely that you would get pregnant naturally anyway so that's something to keep in mind.

Hopefully once you've got used to the fact you're sticking with two you can put this to bed and concentrate on the children you have and not the one that you're unlikely to have. Focus on them.

I have sympathy with how you feel as it is a closing of a door, and it's OK to mourn that.

That said, dh and I always talked of having 4, then has the first 2 close together and he rightly said we were stopping there. I knew I couldn't cope with another at that point and that it was a sensible decision and came to terms with it.

We then talked about a third when the others were older and went for it. Have been very glad we did, but I also know I had come to terms with stopping at 2 and that that was OK too.

I now would love to have a 4th and dh wants the snip. He's right. We can't afford another and I take heart knowing that I came to terms before and will again.

I hate these posts sometimes. Everybody ends up pointing out that the OP should just be happy with what she’s got. It ignores a bigger issue.

In a marriage, you’re a unit. Yes, he is allowed to change his mind. But I really feel things of that magnitude should be discussed, not just decided unilaterally by one party. It results in the other party feeling blindsided and let down.

You see posts on here where couples find out after the fact one wants kids and the other doesn’t and everyone asks why didn’t you discuss this before you got married?

OP isn’t trying to necessarily force her husband into having another child. She’s grieving a loss of what she imagined her life to look like, whether it would’ve happened naturally or not. And she’s questioning how someone who’s supposed to be in a partnership with her is negating her feelings in the matter and just setting down the end result as if it’s a done thing.

For some people, it’s hard to wrap your head around. One of the —many— final breaking points for my XH and I was him telling me four months after I’d married him that we were never getting a dog. I’d discussed this at length before we got married as it was important to me and the picture of how I wanted my life to look like. His sudden refusal, and the general consensus that the person who doesn’t want the dog trumps all, was a big breaking point. I felt conned into marriage when he suddenly changed the picture and just told me as if it was a fait compli. The removal of any serious discussion or choice in the matter broke my heart, and it was only a dog. The OP is allowed to be heartbroken she will be giving up her dream to have 3DC. People are allowed to have emotions, and having children is a pretty emotional thing.

@Rtmhwales .... you summed it up much better than I did, thankyou.

I don’t want to force him to have another child, it would be a disaster I think to do that to our marriage. I love my two DCs so so much and I am so grateful to them.
I just feel blindsided by this, he didn’t bring it up, he didn’t discuss it, he just said no which I realise he’s entitled to do but it seems very harsh to me.

Thanks for the suggestion of waiting until DC2 is a year or so for him to get the snip, that makes sense. I can go on another form of contraception until then. It is hard currently with two under 3.
The fact that I have had IVF makes me really sensitive to having kids, and I absolutely agree not to have IVF again.
I just didn’t want to close the door completely and take the “if it happens, it happens” approach even tho my chances of ovulating each month are under 1%. Him having the snip just seems too final.

But if he doesn't want another baby he doesn't want one.

I agree he's been insensitive in the way he's gone about it and should have talked to you about he was feeling instead of blurting out that he wanted the snip.

Talk to him again after you've digested everything and explain how much this has come as a shock and how hurt you are.

Iagree that children, how many you would like to have, when etc is something that everyone should discuss with their OH to ensure they're on the same page. However, it's easy to say "I'd love to have 3 children" before you've had any children. Having a child is something no one can really appreciate he magnitude of until it happens. Some people find one is enough coping wise, other people two, three, four whatever works for them.

I don't think YABU to feel upset abouT DH changing his mind but I do think there needs to be a little more understanding on your part. He wanted 3 children before you even had 2 to look after. You now has 2 and he feels he doesn't want anymore. Of course it will take time for you to come to terms with and no one should expect you to just be okay with it right off the bat but he is well within his rights as would you be if you decided you didn't want any more children despite DH wishing for more.

Also, no one knows how the future will play out and DP could change his mind or so could you. 3 months PP with DC2 is early to be thinking about number 3. I know some people do and that's absolutely fine but maybe it would be good for both of you to take a little more time having 2 DCs before making any concrete plans on future children.

Ignore the folk saying "at least you have two, that's one more than I can have" because that is really rrelevant.

Having fewer children than originally planned can be hard to get used to. You have in your mind what your family will look like in the future and now you need to adjust that mental picture.

It's difficult to hear and it takes time to understand a shift in position. I would leave the conversation for a while. Give yourselves some breathing space and see if you can have another conversation in a few months where you are less surprised bynhis position and he may be less defensive.

He's allowed to 'finalise it' any way he wants. I think after the stress of IVF twice, he's probably had enough of baby making to last him a lifetime. Your posts seem incredibly selfish tbh OP. He said two and done - respect that.

@BrightLightsAndSound "You have 2 already. Plenty of people dont even have one." What kind of an argument is that? That sounds very thoughtless and callous. So, just because some people don't have any children, that automatically means a person isn't allowed to grieve at not having more? Why do people make such silly arguments? It's like the argument the anti-choicers say. You should not abort because 'some women would love to have children'. We are all individuals. Some women might not be able to have any, that DOESN'T mean we cannot choose to terminate OR to have more. Why do people make such asinine and immature arguments?

@AlphaBravo how is she selfish? She is a mother who wants to follow her primal urge to have another child. If that is selfish, then human nature is selfish. She has every right to feel sad. She is the mother. No woman should be told they are 'selfish' simply because they want another child! The problem is the way her husband has gone about it, made a final decision without even telling her until now. He was rather insensitive and selfish I feel, in the way he told her.

"I hate these posts sometimes. Everybody ends up pointing out that the OP should just be happy with what she’s got. It ignores a bigger issue. "

Right on, Rtmhwales. It is like people saying a woman who got pregnant and wants to terminate should be happy and keep the baby because 'other women can't have any at all'. What sort of logic or argument is that? It is so bizarre.

We always talked about having 4, but when dc 3 came along I felt like I was done. DH was booked for the snip, but I got cold feet and asked him not to do it, so he didnt.

10 years later I wish I had!! I never felt the need for that 4th child after all. I just didn't realise our family was complete at the time. Now the idea of another fills me with horror! But I am now the one with responsibility for birth control, which I wish I wasnt! Your children are going just now, but as they get older and you start to get a bit of freedom back, it's hard to imagine going back to the baby stage.

I totally understand how you're feeling - I'm going through an almost identical situation here now too. I'm also struggling.

Briefly - I have twins who are 9 yrs old - DP is not their biological dad but has been on the scene since they were tiny babies. As far as he and they are concerned, he is their dad. Bio dad not seen them, not interested, I've never taken money in maintenance. I was single when I went through pregnancy - my children were very premature and in Intensive Care for a while. It was a tough old time that I went through alone. I've always wanted to experience that with someone. DP has said from the start he wanted more children. However, DS has autism and it's been tough. He can't do mainstream school. DD is possibly on the spectrum too. So we've deferred and deferred - and now I'm 42 and it's crunch time. He's decided he doesn't want more kids - he's worried about how much time I will have to devote to DS in the future and also, he says he wants to enjoy a future with me and him, not just spend our entire lives rearing children. He's 8 yrs younger than me by the way.

The revelation came about 3 months ago and crippled me emotionally. I'm well aware I've got two gorgeous children and that practically he's probably right. However, I'm now never going to have the chance to experience the joy of pregnancy with a partner and I feel like I'm grieving for a huge loss. Probably selfish and stupid. Also not being helped by feeling that my children are suddenly growing up. I am not ready to become "mum" and no longer "mummy" - if you know what I mean.

Emotions don't always make sense - but also sometimes the reality is very different to how you imagine it. I held a tiny baby the other week for a while, and even gave it a bottle. My children were in the room and I felt stressed the entire time because my hands weren't free (my son can be volatile at times and I need to rapidly intervene). So yes, that helped me a bit. I still feel sad at times, but I'm slowly getting there.

I think what's important is that your DP understands this is a loss for you, and something he needs to support you with while you adjust. My DP while being very adamant that he doesn't want more kids has been incredibly supportive of my feelings. Sending hugs - enjoy every moment with your babies xx

@TwinMummy1510 - I totally get you, and I don’t think it’s selfish and stupid, as you said emotions sometimes just don’t make sense - big hugs.

My older DC, even though only 2.5 has started called me “mum” and by my first name when he speaks to me... and doesn’t really want cuddles anymore.
Every time I cuddle my youngest I’ve now got a sad niggle in the back of my head about this being the last time I get to see this stage.
I didn’t have that before this conversation with DH and although it’s not spoiling my time with my DC I’m feeling frustrated that it’s introduced this niggle.
I think all this links back to my emotion about my fertility issues, if we didn’t have to have IVF in the first place then maybe he would want 3. I know I can’t change what’s happened but even after having children I still feel ultra sensitive to the fact that I can’t get pregnant naturally, it’s really hard not to and probably difficult to understand for those that don’t want kids / can get pregnant naturally

It is like people saying a woman who got pregnant and wants to terminate should be happy and keep the baby because 'other women can't have any at all'. What sort of logic or argument is that? It is so bizarre.

No, it’s actually not like that at all. Someone in the position of having an u wanted pregnancy is not the same as someone already having children being sad they can’t have any more.

Beeperbird

My kids are 20 and 18.

I get plenty cuddles from them.

You don't know what is ahead of you in terms of parenting.
Plenty mothering moments of joy ( and huge expense) that are as least if not more fun than the baby/toddler stage.

It's not all about the tiny stage.

I think huge decisions like this shouldn’t be taken when you have such tiny babies anyway. The surgeon who did DH’s vasectomy said he didn’t like to do it to men with babies under 18 months.

It sounds like he’s jumped this on you a bit OP, so I can understand your being upset, but actually practically speaking it makes very little difference, because the odds of you having another child were always small. My real reservation is that vasectomy is quite a drastic step, with a significant minority experiencing nasty side-effects, so perhaps an irrational thing to do in your circumstances.

We have two and I had HG in both pregnancies and for the full nine months the second time. We had no fertility issues and never set a number. I did toy with a third for a while when youngest was between maybe 2 and 4 and dh absolutely would not entertain it. He found it so hard to watch me being sick first time and second time in and out of hospital whilst working full time and minding our eldest. He was scared and worried I would end up with long term health complications. I was a little disappointed at first but now I see many advantages in having two and love it. The hugs thing and calling by first name is most likely a phase. Mine are ten and six and spend their lives sprawled all over me hugging me so I'm sure there are many years of hugs ahead!

I used to say I wanted three children - I did but I didn’t realise what I was saying!

We have two children and I am 100% sure I am not having any more. I have changed my mind because I now see the full picture and that is my right!

My DH still wants three children but is happy with two. If he didn’t respect my decision I would get LTB on here!!

You need to respect his decision.

"My older DC, even though only 2.5 has started called me “mum” and by my first name when he speaks to me... and doesn’t really want cuddles anymore.
Every time I cuddle my youngest I’ve now got a sad niggle in the back of my head about this being the last time I get to see this stage."

Is it another child you want or another baby?

DD is a teenager, and TBH, I have found parenting a teenager the hardest thing I have ever done. Small children need you more in a physical sense, teenagers need you more emotionally. And what a rollercoaster that can be.

I have dealt with bullying, friendship issues, depression, self harm, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels. Once was more than enough. Times that by three? No thank you.

Sorry op, but having seen the devastation that failed IVF causes, I believe you're incredibly fortunate to have two and I'm surprised that as you've been through it yourself you can't see that. While I have sympathy with your feelings (I too get dewy eyed when I look at how quickly my dc are growing up), I would focus on what you have got if I were you.

Is it another child you want or another baby?

Good point.

And parenting young adult children is harder than parenting teens.