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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sad that DH doesn’t want any more children?

66 replies

Beeperbird · 18/10/2018 07:25

Been with DH for 15 years, married for 8, we have two children - 2.5 and 3 months.
All our time together we’ve been talking about having three children. It’s always been what we both wanted.
We had to have IVF to have our two DC (there is a very low chance we can get pregnant naturally) and I had awful pregnancies - I had HG in both of them.
Last night we had a conversation about birth control and what to do as I’m going to combination feed soon... and DH announced he wants the snip!!! I’m gobsmacked as this is a huge turn around. I’m happy to not have IVF again (we just can’t afford it) but assumed we’d keep the door open by just seeing what happened, as three children was always the plan.
He says he’s happy with the two we’ve got now and just doesn’t want another, he can’t explain why he just says “I just don’t want another child”.
I feel like the future we’ve planned has just gone up in smoke!! I feel so sad and shocked by this.
It’s not even like I’d like another right now, but I want to keep the possibility there... but it’s a hard no from him.
I don’t know what to do.
We’ve even talked in the past about adoption if we didn’t want to do IVF & pregnancy again but apparently that’s a hard no too now - he just has changed his mind and wants no more children.

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/10/2018 09:59

Hi OP you're not unreasonable in being upset, you both had a life plan for a long time and not only has he changed it, he can't tell you why.

That doesn't mean he is being unreasonable either though. Talk to him and explain you need some time to get your head around the loss of your imagined third child

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/10/2018 10:07

Also I'm not sure why lots of posters are saying you need to respect his decision and be grateful for what you have - for me, nothing you've posted implies that you are going to try and railroad him into a third and aren't grateful for the two you have already! You can still be sad at not having a third while feeling respectful and grateful

AlphaBravo · 19/10/2018 10:17

@SalemBlackCat4 no, it is actually incredibly selfish. This isn't a first child or a 2nd. And as a race we are selfish. Wanting a 3rd imo after going through IVF and her husband going through it too, is selfish.

Original poster

Beeperbird · 19/10/2018 12:08

I think some commenters misunderstood what I said - I didn’t think it was guaranteed for this to be my last time with a baby which is why I now feel sad that it is! I don’t just want a baby, I understand that a baby grows into a child, a teenager, an adult and I enjoy the changes I see in my toddler as he gets more independent.
I’m sorry but I’m going to ignore those people calling me selfish, you’re entitled to your opinion. I personally don’t understand how going through ivf makes me more selfish than anyone else who can have a child naturally?!

OP posts:

SalemBlackCat4 · 19/10/2018 12:19

@AlphaBravo If that is so, then the HUMAN CONDITION is selfish. We are hard-wired to procreate, from the beginning of time. You may view it in modern terms as being over-populating or selfish, but families used to be quite large. It has only recently become the norm to have smaller families. Wanting more children is the human condition, it is normal, it is in no way remotely selfish. It can be argued that not wanting them is selfish.

Loopytiles · 19/10/2018 12:22

Understandable to be sad, but your H isn’t being at all unreasonable not to want more DC, and to want to take responsibility for ensuring he doesn’t have any.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/10/2018 12:23

Wanting more children is the human condition, it is normal, it is in no way remotely selfish

The OP would need IVF to have another baby which she has said they can't afford, which I'm guessing is one of the main reasons the H has said no more.

SalemBlackCat4 · 19/10/2018 12:29

True. But I was talking more in the spirit of as a human race we are selfish (well, duh, we are here to be happy and to feel fulfilled of course everyone is a bit selfish! That in itself isn't a bad thing necessarily, sometimes its good to be a bit selfish). We all have a right to be happy. Not all selfishness is bad. We are not supposed to be 100% selfless and unhappy and miserable. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. I am sure we all do something, even AlphaBravo, that can be considered 'selfish' to someone, somewhere. The point is, we are human beings, and wanting to procreate is the most normal essence of our make up. Whether we can afford to though, or should, admittedly is another matter.

SerenDippitty · 19/10/2018 12:30

Wanting more children is the human condition, it is normal, it is in no way remotely selfish.

It’s about wanting to ensure the survival of YOUR genes. So ultimately it is selfish.

Original poster

Beeperbird · 19/10/2018 13:15

Also please before criticising me for wanting more IVF to have another child, or that being the reason my husband doesn’t want another child - I don’t want more IVF and I said that in my original post.

(But I also would not judge anyone who did do IVF for multiple children - it’s an emotional rollercoaster and they would be so brave in my opinion!)

OP posts:

autumnbreeze25 · 19/10/2018 13:21

You need to let your existing children grow, enjoy all the moments you have with them and agree to think about the decision about the third in three or four years time.

Your children are really young, and it is easy at this stage, as they age and you age you may be very glad you stuck to two (I know I am) Enjoy motherhood now and your baby is only 3 months old and won't be a baby for long, and see how life pans out.

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2018 13:29

I think the IVF is a red herring tbh. Obviously you went through a difficult journey to get your two DC. But I suspect you would feel the same about a third regardless of how the first two were conceived.

We’re not always rational, we’re also emotional creatures, and sometimes we want more children even if we had a difficult time conceiving / gestating / birthing / raising the child(ren) we have.

I didn’t have to go through IVF but I did have a difficult pregnancy, birth and aftermath. Still want another 🤷🏻‍♀️

Loopytiles · 19/10/2018 13:49

With respect to your concern about how your experiences to date may have affected your DH’s wishes, you can’t know how either of you might have felt had things been different.

For example, DH and I had both originally hoped to have 3 DC, but following our experiences over time between being a couple with no DC to having two DC (yay!), including in relation to my health and fertility, we decided not to ttc DC3. In our case we were in agreement, so things were easier.

SilverySurfer · 19/10/2018 17:29

The bottom line is that he is entitled to change his mind. If he continues to say no and has a vasectomy, you will have to decide whether to continue with your current life or leave your DH and hope you meet another man with whom to have a third DC. That is assuming you can find the money for more IVF or somehow become pregnant naturally.

Tobythecat · 19/10/2018 17:37

I dont think some people realise how lucky they are 😢

FrightsaidRed · 19/10/2018 17:40

To offer advice, as opposed to an opinion on whether your DH is BU or not, in your shoes I’d say to him that I understood but could you wait a while and go on alternative BC for a time. If after that period of time he still feels that way then ok. My DH is booked for the snip and they don’t do it lightly, he’s got to have a couple of appointments to be really sure and even then they’ve said it’s a 6 month waiting list.

I think just having a ‘let’s pause a moment’ conversation would be a good idea.

I can understand why you’re upset but nothing is set in stone yet so breathe, and talk about it properly with him.

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