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To think that it's not appropriate..

59 replies

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:04

For the male member of a couple I worked for two years ago to be randomly messaging me late at night.

I am still in contact with the couple for business reasons. I 'friend' a lot of people on my personal page due to the nature of my business (which they are in agreement with) but invariably, the majority of my contact is through the female party (unless a same sex couple in which case a more considered discussion will take place-otherwise I consider it most appropriate to have the female contact as my first port of call)

I have not spoken to this man directly for around 18 months. All conversations go through his wife. She's lovely and we have become friendly in a relaxed snd 'every now and then friendship' sort of way. All of a sudden over the past 3-4 nights he has 'waved' at me via fb messenger. I have ignored. I am aware there is an outstanding business issue to sign off.

He did it again tonight and I wondered if he was doing it to chase this project I have as outstanding for them. I have had a bit of backlog and I wondered if maybe his wife had asked him to get on to me instead of her doing it. so I messaged saying hi, how are you, I know I need to get some stuff over to you, he made it clear that was not why he was messaging me, so it was obvious he was contacting me for personal reasons.

He didn't say anything inappropriate but it made me feel really weird.

I told my BF about it as I had issues with a previous partner accusing me of having affairs etc (I didn't) if ever I was in contact with men without his knowledge (never ever anything other than friends or business meetings) Bf is lovely. We discussed appropriate responses etc and agreed it's weird and odd that a client should be messaging me like this.

I guess my aibu is why do I feel guilty even though I've done nothing wrong?
Aibu for feeling guilty that I've somehow brought this on myself by not reading signs correctly or misinterpreting things.

I am good at my job. But I would hate to feel that I'd done something to encourage this,

I absolutely haven't. So why do I feel guilty that this man was messaging me behind his wife's back?

Sorry. Bit of a ramble. But it totally freaked me out tonight. Just guess I'm asking for perspective,

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Dollymixture22 · 17/10/2018 23:15

I think you are overhinking this - and then some. This man has contacted you through social media - he hasn’t suggested a meet up or sent you anything inappropriate. If he did then he should feel guilty you not you.

Trot him wiht the sa,e professionalism you would any other client. You aren’t a teenager (I assume!) and neither is your boyofriemd. If this man make sure any inappropriate comments shut him down firmly but politely. This should be easily dealt with.

Dollymixture22 · 17/10/2018 23:16

Sorry for the typos - treat him with the same professionalism

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:21

@Dollymixture22 of course I've dealt with it professionally. I'm talking about how it made me feel.

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JoyfulMystery · 17/10/2018 23:25

Why on earth do you only have contact with the female partner in couples for whom you are doing a professional job?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/10/2018 23:28

Men and women can talk and even be friends, as horrifying a thought as you clearly find that. I'm sure you can be friendly without falling on his penis!

PersonaNonGarter · 17/10/2018 23:30

What is your job? Interior designer? Hooker?

VladmirsPoutine · 17/10/2018 23:32

I'd suggest you have a good night's rest and look in to why you have extreme reactions to situations that really don't warrant that sort of reaction.

Singlenotsingle · 17/10/2018 23:33

We're all wondering that, Ginger

Strongmummy · 17/10/2018 23:35

Trust your gut. He was probably trying to initiating sexting. Can you block without ruining your business relationship with his wife? If not, definitely ignore

nokidshere · 17/10/2018 23:37

How,did he make it clear he was contacting you for personal reasons? It's not that unusual to send a wave to someone you know is it?

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:38

Hooker? Really? What does it matter what I do? It's nothing to do with sex. Ffs

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AtrociousCircumstance · 17/10/2018 23:38

Wow, posters are being strange! Confused

I get you, there’s a change in behaviour, and the late night thing would strike me as unprofessional too. Just don’t respond to any late night messages again. Don’t worry - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:41

He made it clear because having ignored his 'wave' for three nights in the trot I realised that maybe his wife had tasked him with chasing me up for the project they are waiting for. When I said 'oh I know you must be contacting me to chase me about X' he said 'oh no, I fidnt know anything about that' then continued to talk about something personal to him that I had never discussed with him before and was completely out of the range of our conversation previously

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Chalkhillblu3 · 17/10/2018 23:44

You could add his wife to the chat thread.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 17/10/2018 23:44

Why can you only communicate with men through their partners?

Unless he's messaging you asking you to show him your tits or something similarly too familiar then you're over thinking it.

user1473878824 · 17/10/2018 23:44

@PersonaNonGarter my thoughts exactly

QuiVivraVerra · 17/10/2018 23:46

I think you will know better than anyone else. I tend to find that my gut feeling is usually right. I'm a female, at home on maternity leave, DP is in bed and I'm texting one of my male colleagues who I haven't seen in a few months as he switched department. No random waving. Just normal conversation about work and life in general. He's married and I'm happily in a relationship expecting my first baby. Nothing weird about it and I don't have a feeling of guilt.

I am not a massive fan of social media and don't have Facebook. If someone sent me a message waving at me I would think they needed to grow up and ask a question or initiate conversation. It had all become a little bit sad and weird... I also don't think you need to feel one bit bad about him messaging you. What exactly is making you feel guilty? You have no control over his actions. Stop beating yourself up and just forget about it.

Just go with your gut. No need to even tell your partner that you've had the conversation. Just keep it very professional, make it obvious to him that you are only going to talk about professional matters and you will have absolutely nothing to worry about. It really is that simple. Even if he does fancy you and wants a bit of a flirt, so what? Just keep it professional and only start to worry if he actually crosses a boundary.

Sounds like he's just wanting a chat...

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:47

@WelcomeToShootingStars I am happy to deal with whoever is most keen to do the legwork. Sadly, it seems to be mostly the women. That's what they feel comfortable with and it's my job to ensure that the service and subsequent product I supply works and 8.5 times out of 10 the female partner prefers to be in charge.

Not my making. Just a tendency of the industry I work in.

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PickAChew · 17/10/2018 23:48

Just reply in office hours.

I often send official emails and messages late at night, purely with the expectation that they'll be read the next time the recipient is at work.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 17/10/2018 23:49

Genuine question - why do you have contact “invariably” with the female partner in a couple? Just struggling to understand that bit and I think it is relevant as it puts him contacting you into its proper context/why this is odd/ringing alarm bells for you. Not asking your job if it’s outing but am interested to try to understand this.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 17/10/2018 23:50

Sorry - cross post, see you’ve picked up that point.

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:51

@user1473878824 so you think I'm a hooker!? Based on what exactly.
The fact that I'm keeping my profession deliberately vague?

There are lots of reasons for that.
I'm not a sex worker. But even if I was your nasty sneery attitude is very unpleasant.

Perhaps read the words I wrote rather than project your own interpretation.

A situation occurred tonight that made me feel very uncomfortable. I wasn't asking for speculation in my profession.

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user1473878824 · 17/10/2018 23:54

No but if you read your first post back you’re being so ridiculously vague and do everything through wives jokiley yes it sounds like that or a nanny. You’re just over thinking something massively.

gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:55

Ok. So for your clarity I should spell out exactly what I do?

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gingergenius · 17/10/2018 23:58

Yes I'm being ridiculously vague, because it would be ridiculously easy to work put what I do and where I am if I were to be more specific. That could in turn damage both my reputation and my livelihood.

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