To think that it's not appropriate..

[gingergenius]

For the male member of a couple I worked for two years ago to be randomly messaging me late at night.

I am still in contact with the couple for business reasons. I 'friend' a lot of people on my personal page due to the nature of my business (which they are in agreement with) but invariably, the majority of my contact is through the female party (unless a same sex couple in which case a more considered discussion will take place-otherwise I consider it most appropriate to have the female contact as my first port of call)

I have not spoken to this man directly for around 18 months. All conversations go through his wife. She's lovely and we have become friendly in a relaxed snd 'every now and then friendship' sort of way. All of a sudden over the past 3-4 nights he has 'waved' at me via fb messenger. I have ignored. I am aware there is an outstanding business issue to sign off.

He did it again tonight and I wondered if he was doing it to chase this project I have as outstanding for them. I have had a bit of backlog and I wondered if maybe his wife had asked him to get on to me instead of her doing it. so I messaged saying hi, how are you, I know I need to get some stuff over to you, he made it clear that was not why he was messaging me, so it was obvious he was contacting me for personal reasons.

He didn't say anything inappropriate but it made me feel really weird.

I told my BF about it as I had issues with a previous partner accusing me of having affairs etc (I didn't) if ever I was in contact with men without his knowledge (never ever anything other than friends or business meetings) Bf is lovely. We discussed appropriate responses etc and agreed it's weird and odd that a client should be messaging me like this.

I guess my aibu is why do I feel guilty even though I've done nothing wrong?
Aibu for feeling guilty that I've somehow brought this on myself by not reading signs correctly or misinterpreting things.

I am good at my job. But I would hate to feel that I'd done something to encourage this,

I absolutely haven't. So why do I feel guilty that this man was messaging me behind his wife's back?

Sorry. Bit of a ramble. But it totally freaked me out tonight. Just guess I'm asking for perspective,

Just reading through the thread and the reasons you gave for normally being in contact with the female partners. That all sounds fairly standard - but your original comment on your post was a little odd "otherwise I consider it most appropriate to have the female contact as my first port of call".

The fact you find female contacts more appropriate is a little unusual - most professionals (regardless of profession) wouldn't find it inappropriate to deal with either partner. It makes me wonder if the personal past you've alluded to has created some very deep-seated discomfort with men and interacting with them.

However.....

Having said all of the above, I say on this occasion trust your gut. There may not be anything tangible or obvious but it seems to me that you're instinctively picking up the fact that it's a bit of an odd conversation. You've hardly kept in close contact, he's messaged you late at night out of the blue and discussed personal subjects which you wouldn't normally broach. I agree it sounds hinky and I wouldn't be surprised if he has an ulterior motive. Having experienced the same in the past myself which then led on to the individual concerned revealing his true intent, I can see where you're coming from.

The reason why you feel bad is because you're doubting yourself and whether you've accidentally given off the wrong vibe. If your suspicions are correct it also feels very sleazy - and given your past it's not surprising that it presses your buttons. Keep doing as you have been, just keep everything cool and professional - I agree with other posters, only reply during business hours.

And as I was posting that last update, the man in question tried to call. I know him professionally through him and his wife. They are equally important in the business arrangement but it usually ends up with me dealing with the female party. Nothing salacious. Nothing underhand or illegal or remotely morally or ethically questionable.

BUT for a man I havent had ANY contact with directly god 18 months, to suddenly want to interact got my hackles up.

And now he's just tried to phone me.

No drip feed
I'm not a troll
I'm just someone who was genuinely freaked out, for genuine reasons.

I've been on this site for a really long time.
I was one of the song writers of the patio doors/spangran saga. Do please look me up.

Nope, you are not being UR. Sounds like this bloke likes a drink and chucks out the occasional 😍. You did the absolute right thing by telling your partner 👍🏻

Ok. I tend to deal with the female party BECAUSE THAT IS THEIR PREFERENCE. Not mine. I don't care who I deal with as long as they give me the information I need, when I need it.

I am sure you kept the comms professional OP. Sounds like he may have poor boundaries (innocent explanation and would apply to some of my past clients though that usually manifested itself as slightly too much interest in my personal life and/or unsolicited and unwelcome - albeit well meant - advice). That would be irritating but not sinister. Or he is dodgy and was after something. Which do you think seems more likely?

And sadly, it seems that even in our supposedly enlightened days of make and female equality, the female of the partnership still seem/comes across/considers herself/he considers her (delete as appropriate) the one who ensures that contracts are paid/details are articulated and action plans are adhered to.

Sorry for being vague. I just wanted to get a feel for whether my vibes were off and why did I feel guilty even though I'd done nothing wrong,

@PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler I don't know. It just felt really weird.

I get the impression that had I not been professional and shutvyje conversation down, and asked him to say hi to his wife etc that he may have seen an opening in the conversation that really wasn't there.

I have come from an emotionally abusive relationship wher my ex would accuse me of all sorts for buying a laptop off my brother in law (who delivered it when he wasn't around). Whis is why I posted the aibu in the first place because I don't trust my instincts.

I'm happy to be given guidance on how I can manage my perceptions here. I'm not prepared to be told I'm a sex worker (and even if I was I would not expect to be shamed for it) on the basis that I've kept my profession discreet and my job in itself, is not as important as the client dynamic.

It's not that hard to imagine the type of job that would involve the OP having more contact with the female in the couple. She could be a wedding planner or photographer, for example. I can't believe people are saying hooker!

I've had this happen before, OP, and while I didn't feel guilty with regards to my own relationship as I knew I'd done nothing wrong, I felt guilty and very conscious of what I wrote, taking into account that the GF might see those messages. I say, stay completely professional and when it veers from that, either don't reply (although that could be construed as unprofessional so maybe say you're a bit busy at that time) or try to keep mentioning the GF, e.g. "that sounds fascinating. I bet Mary thought it was hilarious that you did that on your stag do. By the way, let Mary know I'm still putting together the album and I'll send it asap."

So basically YANBU. It's uncomfortable being drawn into those situations and it does sound odd to me that he's sending you these waves and messages.

Take no notice of user147, OP. He's quite often on here, and he's often quite goady.

Trust your gut OP and keep him at arms length if you can.

Maybe think about messaging his wife tomorrow and just mention that her DH had tried to ring you but you missed the call and was there anything wrong(job wise)that she needed you to know,that way you've behaved professionally and she'll be able to tell you if there was anything you need to know work wise and if not her DH will know that if he was trying to contact you for anything other than work that it's not going to get him anywhere.

You'd be better of posting sensitive stuff in relationships, op.

AIBU can be a bit vicious

ps he's a wanker. Your instinct is absolutely on point.

was this ph cal thorugh facebook or your actual mobile.
I'm asking becasue my Facebook name was recently 'spoofed' and someone was being weird pretneding to be me.

I really need to fix that dammed spellchecker oi🤦‍♀️

You are right to trust your gut. There is no need for him to be contacting you and calling you about personal matters. Sounds like you handled it well though.
And people suggesting she's a hooker? That's absurd.

There's no appropriate reason for him to be calling you at midnight.
Ignore him, and reply in the morning requesting that he needs to contact you re (your business), he does so only in office hours

I think given your updates OP that it sounds as though you are likely to be right to be wary of this man. He has clearly made you uncomfortable - it could have (as I said before) been an irritating but innocent lack of boundaries but the more you post the more I am leaning towards it being a bit off and inappropriate.

(FWIW the “hooker” type comments are really really weird - I am not sure why that is where someone’s head would go as a first possible option!)

@TheMaddHugger yes phone call was via fb video call (didn't even realise it was a thing! Am clearly a Luddite!)

Have not veered from the professional and have now muted him so hopefully it was an odd one-off!

Thanks all.

Trust your gut. He sounds like he is fishing.

I have just seen that’s o offended you by my response - that wasn’t my intention and I apologise.

I don’t really understand why you are having such an emotional response to this mans contact -so yes I think you are being unreasonable - sorry.

You do seem to have some issues with dealing with males, and I am sorry your ex made you feel like this. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But you need to learn to deal with this sort of thing with confidence and not take it all so much to heart. In the work place people will occasionally act inappropriately or try to push the relationship into a more intimate space. Its no big deal as long as the other person accepts a firm rebuff.

Again I am sorry that I offended you

It sounds like he is drinking & fishing, I agree. I would ignore him.

I might be the obly one, but I don't think you are being ridiculous to think it's weird that he suddenly messages you. It's not like you are friends or anything. He just out of the blue starts to message you as friend when you are doing business I work in people's home and I would feel really uncomfortable if a man (or a woman) I work for started to send me waves, pokes or personal messages...

It's a bit daft to say men and women can be friends in this situation. Yes they can but what are the chance that guy just suddenly decide to make friwnds with OP...

Sorry for the horrid faults... It's my phone's fault, I promise

It's not appropriate, something has brought you back to his attention, he's remembered that he fancies you and he's trying it on. Ignore him and he'll go away. It's nothing you've done.

He wants female attention, and is putting the bait out to see who’ll bite.

Nothing for you to feel guilty about. Just keep it strictly professional, and he’ll get the message when he sobers up.

Whatever people are spouting on here in reality platonic mixed sex friendships which include late night messages and calls don't exist or are at least very rare. I completely understand why this made you feel weird and I'd have felt the same. Politely message saying you're sorry to have missed his call but you're happy to respond to any queries he has regarding the service you're providing them in office hours. Don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong. Luckily you're new partner sounds sensible and caring, so try not to let your past relationships make you feel bad about yourself.