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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask colleague why he is so rude

81 replies

salterello1 · 17/10/2018 12:31

I work in a school and one of the male teachers is rude to me. We’ve never had anything to do with each other but if I need to speak to him about anything he’s flippant and unhelpful.

If I see him in the corridor and say hi or good morning he kind of murmurs something back but deliberately avoids eye contact.

I’ve previously gone out of my way to try and make small talk to try and be friendly and he completely blanks me.

I’ve seen him laugh and joke with other colleagues so it’s not his personality it’s me.

There is absolutely nothing I could have done to annoy or upset him as we don’t work directly together and therefore have nothing to do with each other.

I’m getting really pissed off with his blatant rudeness towards me and really feel like I want to confront him (politely) and ask if he has some sort of issue with me, but I imagine he will just look at me stupid and act like it’s all in my head (which it’s not) and therefore make me feel even more shit.

The head teacher is lovely but I can’t really go and say anything to him can I? It just looks like I’m being overly sensitive- which I don’t think I am as I generally brush things off but it’s been going on for several years now and it’s making me angry to the point where I’d love to go right up to him and call him an arrogant prick who needs to get over himself!

Any ideas before I punch him in the face?

OP posts:

Original poster

salterello1 · 17/10/2018 13:06

No I don’t think he fancies me and I certainly don’t fancy him yuck 🤢

OP posts:

Lucylugs · 17/10/2018 13:15

I have found in the past people like this seem to see friendliness as weakness and it seems to make them think you are looking for their approval. I usually then very deliberatly ingnore them and treat them they way they treat me and amazingly they then want to be friends. Even if it doesnt work out that you'll feel better for ingnoring him.

Tinty · 17/10/2018 13:18

This screams academic v support staff arrogance to me- is that it OP?

OP I am also thinking this is the case. Are you just a TA is he a very big and important actual all in his head teacher.

GretchenFranklin · 17/10/2018 13:19

He sounds horrible.

dalmationdotty · 17/10/2018 13:20

Im not sure you'll get any satisfaction out of raising it with him. If it's a small school it might make things more awkward between you even? Be best to try and ignore it and just get on with the colleagues that you do like. Sadly in the workplace there will always be people that get on your nerves or you don't like and you can't always fix it.

twoheaped · 17/10/2018 13:21

Are you support staff?
Sadly, some teachers seem to think peopke are defined by their job and see you as a lesser person.

PlinkPlink · 17/10/2018 13:22

No, not everybody has to like the OP. She hasn't stated that she wants that. When you work with someone, to keep a friendly environment, you are allowed to expect them to conform to the societal convention of saying 'Hello' back or acknowledging her efforts to engage in conversation.

We all have to work with people we don't like. My QTS trainer was a complete sexist prick but I still had to be cordial and polite. I still had to establish a working relationship with him.

OP, as much as it's kind of you to try and engage this man in a bit of chit chat, he clearly doesn't have the skills yet to do this with you. Leave him be for now. If he continues to be rude, start blanking him completely. It'll make life easier.

Just engage with the people you do like and don't give him another thought.

By the way, are you a musician or drama teacher? I'm presuming thats the kind of activity? Alot of people don't think that stuff is really worth the kids time and look down on those subjects so it may be that. If that's the case you'll just have to acknowledge that's the way he is and nothing is going to change that I'm afraid.

Juells · 17/10/2018 13:22

Start blanking him back

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/10/2018 13:23

AH! I had one of those. Unqualified, 2 years experience and boy was he a fucking genius?

Rude, opinionated, late, careless, aggressive... and when he went through his PGCE he collaborated the shit out of it (that's cheating for those who aren't sure).

Staff were split 50:50 thinking he was a pure bloody genius and a total gobshite.

I hope you haven't inherited him, he doesn't change. He takes the same issues with him wherever he goes.. and gets really angry when they run his shiny new career all over again!

He is very insecure, really. Maybe your is too!

Gabilan · 17/10/2018 13:24

I’m more a happy and helpful person

If you really want to piss him off, ramp up the friendliness. Not just "hi" but "hello, how wonderful to see you again, how's your day been, oh is that a new shirt, it looks lovely on you." It's childish but it will annoy the hell out of him whilst enabling you to be happy.

NB this is not a particularly serious suggestion.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 13:28

Don't ramp it up, it's just silly games.

Honestly, don't give this mindspace, he is what he is. Just nod politely as you pass by him, don't give him any focus or attention, coldly polite.

Original poster

salterello1 · 17/10/2018 13:29

I’m employed by an external music service provider with to work with smaller groups of children - which parents pay a small fortune for - not sure if that makes me ‘support staff’

OP posts:

CookPassBabtridge · 17/10/2018 13:30

Some people just decide to dislike others for no reason OP and it does feel awful at first. There are a couple of mums at school (not linked to each other) who I've never had any issues with, I am a chilled easygoing person who gets on with everyone, smiley and laughing, but I get stinkeye and ignored by them when they get on with others fine. Some people just don't like your face or maybe you remind him of someone he doesn't like. It's his thing. I just don't bother smiling and making an effort with this couple of mums anymore and it's very freeing! I can't be rejected if I don't engage with them.

FritataPatate · 17/10/2018 13:30

Is it just the way he looks at you ? Has he actually said anything rude to you? It might be a case that he is socially awkward and you are socially sensitive!

GlassSuppers · 17/10/2018 13:32

There's your answer OP. He thinks he's better than you and he doesn't think he has to talk to you because you're not on the same level as him (in his opinion)
He's an arse. You don't need to be friendly with people like that, leave him to it.

SilentIsla · 17/10/2018 13:34

Ignore him.

GraceMarks · 17/10/2018 13:36

Yes, I'd say just don't engage with him any more - don't start being petty or play games back, just go for bare minimum interaction and leave it at that.

He could simply have taken an irrational dislike to you for no good reason - maybe you look like someone else he hates, or he doesn't like the way you pronounce a particular word, or there's just something about you that grinds his gears. Have you never done that? I know I have, but I take a lot more care over not letting it show than this man seems to be doing. Yes, he is being unprofessional and impolite, but he sounds like he would be the sort to deny that there's a problem if you ever did try to talk to him about it, so I think distancing yourself if the best way to go.

Cornishclio · 17/10/2018 13:37

I would say he either thinks he is better than you as he is a teacher and you work for an external services provider or he resents the kids coming out of his lessons for something he considers unnecessary and disruptive to his lessons.

Either way I would ignore him. Some people are just full of themselves. I would not put myself out to be helpful or friendly to idiots like that.

Jaxhog · 17/10/2018 13:37

Just carry on being polite when you have to interface with him. No small talk or trying to make him like you. I don't like everyone I know, and I'm sure not everyone likes me either. Sometimes we just don't.

SilentIsla · 17/10/2018 13:39

Perhaps if he teaches a Core subject like English or Maths, he does regard Instrument Practice as being less important - hence the arrogance or irritation.

Emmageddon · 17/10/2018 13:40

Just carry on being friendly and professional in all your dealings with him. Acknowledging his rudeness may give him some satisfaction so ignore it. Water off a duck's back and all that.

EstuaryBird · 17/10/2018 13:43

When I worked (for nearly 30 years) in a school there certainly were some teachers who considered Support Staff as a lesser species - although I would like to have seen them manage the school without us!

The biggest problem is that the pupils will always pick up on this and lose respect for the member of staff who is being disrespected by other staff.

I may be reading your last post wrongly OP but it reads as if you consider yourself above 'Support Staff' (apologies though if I've got that wrong).

puzzledlady · 17/10/2018 13:47

Yes it’s bit rude , but maybe he just doesn’t like you, he doesn’t have to. It’s nice to be polite and friendly but he just isn’t so I would just ignore him in the future if it bothers you that much. I’ve had this and I’ve learnt to just ignore them - it’s them not me sort of thing...

whynotgetalong · 17/10/2018 13:47

I have bent over backwards to try and fit in with him.

I think this could be part of your problem OP. I've noticed that when someone thinks they are better than me (for whatever reason), if I bend over backwards to be polite, friendly, accommodating, etc then they will treat me even more like shite because they seem to think they can because I'm trying so hard to get along and not standing up to their shite.

Next term, I would say to him 'I have X and Y times available. Which is best for you?' and not be as accommodating and flexible. Still be polite, but call him on his shite. 'I'm sorry, did you just roll your eyes at me for a reason?' 'I'm sorry, you seem to feel your time is more valuable than mine. It isn't.' No small talk, just ignore him in general unless you have to work with him and then big smile, tinkly MN laugh and a firm 'F Off!' if necessary. He'll soon learn.

Haffiana · 17/10/2018 13:49

He has an air superiority and looks down his nose at me when I go to his class room

He just makes me feel like a massive inconvenience and completely devalued- I really wish I didn’t care but it’s clearly bothering me.

You have no idea what he is feeling about you. You have no idea if he feels superior to you. He may not be thinking about you at all - can you imagine that?

This is all about your hurt feelings and your self esteem. You are projecting your problems on him.

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