AIBU to think this is a bit controlling from DH?

[mumsta90]

Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.

On holiday recently, buffet restaurant meal plan thing, I started picking up a plate of carvery and then noticed that the "special" meals that night were Chinese, so had a small plate of carvery and planned to go back to try some of the Chinese stuff I wouldn't want to buy a whole thing of to try normally. After all, we were on holiday and I wanted to enjoy myself and take advantage of being in a buffet restaurant to try new things. In hindsight (if i'd seen the Chinese first) I probably would have had that plate first, and only gone back for Carvery food if I hadn't liked the Chinese. (Unrelated) but the beef in oyster sauce was amazing!!

Told DH the plan when I got back to the table with the Carvery plate. He then spent the time I took eating my carvery saying things like "This is just what [name large relative that can't control their eating] would do" and then "I don't find you attractive having this". Continued with "If you have desert [further mean comments which I don't recall]. (So I had the desert as a bit of a F-you to him).

The "I dont find you attractive" one got to me, and it's not the first time it's been said. A few months ago it was said in a "If you wear Pandora bracelet I won't find you attractive" (I got the bracelet anyway!). I also remember he said it another time but can't remember what it was about.

Bit of back story, I am overweight, and gained too much weight during pregnancy with DD, but am now back down below my pre-pregnancy weight and on track to keep losing.

I brought it up with him on the evening of our hol when this happened, but he thinks I was completely BU and overreacting and he was annoyed at DD being a bit fussy really. (DD was tired but not really being too bad)

AIBU to think that I wasn't overreacting by being annoyed at DH comments, and by thinking they were just an attempt to control me?

[bluetrampolines]

Everything everyone has already said.

[Flowershower]

He’s an absolute arse.

[Myusername101z]

what his body like ? Does he work hard to keep a good body for you to admire ? What was your body like when you met ... this might not go down well but to offer a different perspective my partner is over weight and I work very hard to keep in shape and look nice for him and more importantly myself. I do sometimes find it annoying than he makes absolutely no effort to improve his body and keeps on piling on the weight(whilst moaning about it) it is unattractive so I understand where he is coming from but he is completely out of order to say this to you in such a nasty way I would never say such things to my partner

[blackteasplease]

He Sounds horrible. I'd really reevalute why you are with him.

Yy to saying "I don't find you attractive when you are a twat" but I would also take it more seriously than that.

It's so sad you feel you need to justify even on here why you were having the two different things

[AnoukSpirit]

If he's made being such a vile, abusive arsehole seem so normal that you're questioning if this is even rude, then I'm really worried what else he says to you.

Likewise.

It also stands out to me, and concerns me, that you felt compelled to go to such lengths in your op to justify yourself and explain your thought process behind something so unremarkable I wouldn't have even given it a second thought, let alone come close to thinking it was unreasonable or warranted the nastiness you received.

Do you spend a lot of time having to justify yourself and being made to doubt your judgement? Because the way you've tried to reassure all of us makes it seem that you're used to being told everything you do is wrong and weird, so you spend your time in the mindset of preparing a defence to everything you do.

Taking advantage of a buffet to try samples of foods you wouldn't normally get the chance to try - whether because of cost or potential waste - is normal and sensible!

You may find the Freedom Programme helpful: //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

[Bluntness100]

It's a bit of an odd way to deal with it to be honest. He appears to think him not finding you attractive is some form of major threat., like your world will collapse if he doesn't.

Is he generally arrogant and feels you're lucky to have him? I can't imagine my husband saying something like that to me, and if he did I wouldn't have to post on mumsnet about it, my response would be immediate, rude and ensure he didn't wish to repeat his error again.

[Eatmycheese]

Just awful.
Sorry to continue the food theme but a man that spoke to me and treated me like this would be toast.

Don’t put up with this shit as it’s clear you are his emotional punchbag. If it wasn’t food and weight gain I suspect it would be something else because he’s just one of those toxic twats.

[Mrskeats]

I echo everyone else. I wouldn’t find someone attractive who spoke to me like that tbh

[civicxx]

Jesus Christ I ate a plate of anything I fancied on holiday, our resort was amazing & we ate in the restaurants 5/7 nights but the two in the buffet & at lunch I ate anything I wanted too try! I'd of flicked a noodle at OH if he had said a thing, what a twat!

Equally OH ate whatever the hell he wanted as did DD with the pair of them having ANYTHING with chocolate & sprinkles at 10am!

We are all of normal weight 😊 not that I would have posted that if OP hadn't mentioned weight in original post!

[blackteasplease]

My experience is they try to find something you are sensitive about and will believe is your problem.

My ea ex used to use little things about the housework as he knew I used to be very messy when younger, and would instinctively believe "oh silly old blackteas shes so messy everyone thinks so". Went on about it in counselling then went back on all agreements to do more housework between us (both work ft).

Now his house is a state and mine is lovely.

[muttleydosomething]

Carry on losing weight for your own wellbeing, and then ditch him for someone with a nice personality who actually loves you and will be a good role model for your kids. Sorry. But you only have one life.

[BruegelTheElder]

Your DH is a horrible prick.

[ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName]

Was on holiday with a similar set up this summer. Husband was actively encouraging me and our daughters to go and have a bit of everything- in fact he invented The Cheese Course and gave our 2 year old a taste for Brie to the extent that when we got home she was asking at dinner where her Cheese Course was!! That’s what this picture should look like, your husband sounds like a prick.

[BruegelTheElder]

I can't imagine my husband saying something like that to me, and if he did I wouldn't have to post on mumsnet about it, my response would be immediate, rude and ensure he didn't wish to repeat his error again.

This. And the fact that you didn't, suggests his abusive behaviour has already worn you down enough that you couldn't/didn't react that way.

[BabySharkAteMyHamster]

Leave the bastard.

[crochetmonkey74]

What always annoys me about men like this is they would not DARE say stuff like this to colleagues/ acquaintances as they know it would make them look like a
(they probably still think it)
But they think it is fine to so stridently emotionally batter the people they say they love the most. It's awful

[lisasimpsonssaxophone]

He doesn’t find you attractive when you’re tucking into a nice meal on holiday and enjoying something you wouldn’t normally get at home? He’s a twat

My ex was emotionally abusive in a similar way, not so much about food but I definitely got the ‘I don’t find you attractive...’ threat a lot. For example, I ended up with the most boring, bland wardrobe of basic clothes because every time I tried to buy something with any kind of pattern or colour he would go ‘ugh, that’s ridiculous, you can’t wear that.’ Then of course he would complain anyway about my wardrobe being so boring. It’s all just a way of controlling you and making sure you’re constantly seeking his approval.

My lovely current partner has gained three or four stone since we met and is currently classed as ‘morbidly obese’ as a result of several injuries that have meant he can’t exercise, and a brutal work schedule which means his diet hasn’t been great. I would never, ever shame him about it or talk to him the way your husband talks to you. The only thing I will ever say is perhaps ‘maybe we should get something a bit smaller for dinner as we’ve eaten a lot today?’ or gently remind him we’ll be having dinner soon if he goes to get a snack. But ultimately if he wants to eat something then it’s up to him and it’s not my job to police him.

I always find it sad when people reply to threads like this talking about how partners should stay in shape for each other. Things like illness, pregnancy and injuries can affect some people’s weight dramatically. My feelings for my partner don’t change based on a number on the scale.

[WhatAboutTheWeather]

My dad used to do this to my mum (they are now divorced). She put on loads of weight coz she ended up eating ,things just to wind him up. She'd eat puddings right in front of him whilst he scowled at her.
Not a very good dynamic for the kids to watch.

[EthelHallowsBroomstick]

Another vote for this

I actually don't get posts like this, and they're daily on mumsnet. You're writing as if this is a small issue. It isn't imo. You just dont talk to your loved ones like this. It isn't acceptable, nice, kind, or what people in love would do.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Well I'm glad you did it anyway!

Have you tried saying "When you constantly criticise and belittle me, I don't find you attractive at all either"?
Because I would.

[veggiethrower]

What a knob.
Tell him to go fuck himself.

Honestly, there are posts like this every day on Mumsnet. What on earth is wrong with these horrible men?
I know a couple of men who have gone on at their partners like that and the men themselves weren't oil paintings and were slobbish... then making a fuss about what their partner eats or wears or whatever.

"I don't find you attractive"... well that's his problem then isn't it. He can go screw himself. You are too nice OP - he'd have been wearing the Chinese food if he'd said that to me.
He's given me the rage. How on earth do you put up with him?

[Rhiannon13]

He said this in front of your DD? Reason enough to move on I'd say.

[Raffles1981]

Emotional bully. My ex husband was the same. He would say things like this all the time. And it became exhausting trying to reason with him, fight back or just stick up for myself. He's a gaslighting prick. But like me and many others before us, you won't see this kind of behaviour for what it is until you want to. Not your fault, it's just the emotional bubble he has put around you so you cannot see normal.

[AlphaBravo]

He's rotten OP. Get your leaving plan in order sharpish if you have any self respect.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I wonder if the op has disappeared because she was expecting comments along the lines of;
' Men, huh. Mine's the same. Don't let him control you hun. I found I lost weight through slimming world.'
And has now been sent in to shock with everyone telling her her husband is an arsehole and she should make plans to leave.