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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a bit controlling from DH?

95 replies

mumsta90 · 17/10/2018 10:18

Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster.

On holiday recently, buffet restaurant meal plan thing, I started picking up a plate of carvery and then noticed that the "special" meals that night were Chinese, so had a small plate of carvery and planned to go back to try some of the Chinese stuff I wouldn't want to buy a whole thing of to try normally. After all, we were on holiday and I wanted to enjoy myself and take advantage of being in a buffet restaurant to try new things. In hindsight (if i'd seen the Chinese first) I probably would have had that plate first, and only gone back for Carvery food if I hadn't liked the Chinese. (Unrelated) but the beef in oyster sauce was amazing!!

Told DH the plan when I got back to the table with the Carvery plate. He then spent the time I took eating my carvery saying things like "This is just what [name large relative that can't control their eating] would do" and then "I don't find you attractive having this". Continued with "If you have desert [further mean comments which I don't recall]. (So I had the desert as a bit of a F-you to him).

The "I dont find you attractive" one got to me, and it's not the first time it's been said. A few months ago it was said in a "If you wear Pandora bracelet I won't find you attractive" (I got the bracelet anyway!). I also remember he said it another time but can't remember what it was about.

Bit of back story, I am overweight, and gained too much weight during pregnancy with DD, but am now back down below my pre-pregnancy weight and on track to keep losing.

I brought it up with him on the evening of our hol when this happened, but he thinks I was completely BU and overreacting and he was annoyed at DD being a bit fussy really. (DD was tired but not really being too bad)

AIBU to think that I wasn't overreacting by being annoyed at DH comments, and by thinking they were just an attempt to control me?

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 17/10/2018 11:17

I don't find you attractive having this

Big danger here OP- he thinks him finding you attractive is the thing he can control you with/ thing that will hurt you the most. He's emotionally abusive.
Also
This is just what [name large relative that can't control their eating] would do
speaking so horribly about a family member with an issue would be a big No from me.

crochetmonkey74 · 17/10/2018 11:18

I actually don't get posts like this, and they're daily on mumsnet. You're writing as if this is a small issue. It isn't imo. You just dont talk to your loved ones like this. It isn't acceptable, nice, kind, or what people in love would do

YES YES YES

Merryoldgoat · 17/10/2018 11:21

I can’t bear it anymore. I can’t bear hearing all these stories from women with these vile men. It’s so upsetting.

OP - he is nasty and controlling and unkind.

I am obese. I have put on around 3.5 stone since being with my DH. It’s not good and I’m dealing with it.

My DH has talked to me about it as he’s worried about ME and he loves me. He tells me daily he loves me, thinks I’m awesome, that I’m a good mother, that he looks forward to our future etc.

When I potter around with mad hair, yesterday’s makeup on and no bra he says I look ‘sweet’, cuddles me and makes me tea.

He would NEVER say those things. He’s not a paragon: he’s entirely typical of all of my friends’ partners/husbands.

I don’t even care if I sound victim-blamey now. Until women stop putting up with this shit it won’t stop. Urgh.

TokyoSushi · 17/10/2018 11:22

Gosh MN is full of horrible husbands this morning,  for you OP

WheelOfMisfortune · 17/10/2018 11:29

He’s a prick.

I am in recovery from an eating disorder and my OH will watch me at a buffet or at big dinner, may make the odd comment about ‘that looks nice’ to steer me towards something ‘danger free’... but he would never ever be so cruel and nasty. You can be supportive without being unkind and your husband was unkind. He also made it about himself.

I reiterate- he’s a prick.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 17/10/2018 11:29

Are you married to my emotionally abusive ex? I was once in a bar in Spain and started snacking on the free crisps and nuts they give you. He said 'this is why you struggle to lose weight. You have no self control' I was a size 10 at the time .....absolute dickhead.

EK36 · 17/10/2018 11:33

Oh no he sounds horrid. I feel sorry for you having to put up with that controlling bully.

BlueSpangles · 17/10/2018 11:35

Horrible man! I'd have gone up for a 2nd desert.

Gingerrogered · 17/10/2018 11:42

Yeah. If your partner is concerned about your weight then there are ways and means of discussing that tactfully. Approaching you while you’re on holiday and saying he won’t find you attractive is horrendous.

And the Pandora bracelet. WTF. How can you find someone unattractive because they’re wearing a bracelet?

thisneverendingsummer · 17/10/2018 11:43

I would be getting a bag of fish and chips AND a massive kebab AND a large box of Dairy box, and scoffing it all right in front of him, (in front of the tv,) as soon as possible. And get a 1 litre bottle of coke so you can throw in some massive burps too.

What a cunt he sounds! Tell him you will eat what the fuck you like, and if he doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself.

ShalomJackie · 17/10/2018 11:45

If he ever says I won't find you attractive say to him "When you are being a nob I don't find you attractive, and unfortunately you keep on being one!"

Gemini69 · 17/10/2018 11:45

Well done on your weight loss OP... I have to agree with everyone here lady.. He is horrid Flowers

MinnieRabbit · 17/10/2018 11:45

What a massive fucking prick. Here, have my first "LTB".

bibliomania · 17/10/2018 11:48

He's horrible, OP. It's good that you're not giving in to his attempts at controlling you, but from my experience, someone like this can really wear you down over time - you're already questioning whether it is controlling or not.

Just because you're not giving in easily, don't think "I'm strong = I can't be subject to abuse". I'm saying this as someone who fell into that trap myself. I'm not saying you have to LTB immediately, but I think you need to take a cold, hard look at your relationship and whether you really want to live like this for the rest of your life, because from outside, I can't say it looks like much fun. Your partner is meant to love you, and he's not acting lovingly.

thisneverendingsummer · 17/10/2018 11:53

I also agree with the posters saying there seems to be a lot of posters just lately, who have men who are controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive, gaslighting cunts.

What's worse is that they put up with it!

Why?

danigrace · 17/10/2018 11:57

Big hugs OP. You need a serious chat and things need to change drastically one way or another.

In a loving relationship you should be kind and supportive, not belittling and cruel. The fact that you told him you were upset and instead of apologising he flipped it back on you is another big red flag.

Agree with all other posters.

You sound like you are doing really well despite his lack of support OP. It's him that needs to shape up or do one. Flowers

DailyMailWankers · 17/10/2018 11:57

This is horrible OP Flowers

Don't put up with it. Don't raise your daughter to think this is OK.

LTB. He is a disrespectful controlling twat.

nonetworkaccess · 17/10/2018 11:58

Trying small amounts of food you've never tried before is the great thing about these buffets. Make sure you do.

Now. On to DH.

You do know he's the kind of bloke who is never going to stand by your side? What if you lost your hair through chemo? Put on weight due to steroids?

Stick with him if you must, but ALWAYS have a Plan B.

Good luck OP.

Shockers · 17/10/2018 11:59

His feelings for you could change because of a bracelet or a slice of meat?

He’s a massive twat.

Do you respect him, or his opinion of you?

Flatwhite101 · 17/10/2018 12:01

I could think of an easy and immediate way to lose 13 stone of dead weight dragging you down

kaytee87 · 17/10/2018 12:01

He's an arsehole op, are you sure you find him attractive. Your dd will grow up to think this is an acceptable way for her future partner to treat her.

ahouseofleaves · 17/10/2018 12:02

Ugh! What a bastard. I couldn't deal with that. I'd have to tell him I don't find belittling and emotionally abusive men attractive, and then I'd make plans to leave. Life really is too bloody short, and you have to be careful of what your daughter internalises from his comments when older.

lifechangesforever · 17/10/2018 12:05

Good job he isn't my husband.. I make at least 8 trips when it's a Buffett.

Agree with PP, he's a controlling arsehole, there's absolutely no respect for you. Get rid.

PositiveVibez · 17/10/2018 12:08

If your daughter grew up and told you a man had said this to her, what would you think?

He sounds absolutely vile.

'i won't find you attractive'

'okay, well off you fuck then'

Nothisispatrick · 17/10/2018 12:09

Nasty man. DP basically congratulates me when I eat loads at a buffet, that’s the point of them.