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to not take something of a deceased neighbour

198 replies

GoingNuckingFuts · 17/10/2018 09:31

my neighbour passed away two weeks ago she was 68 (im 30) i often (2/3 days a week) would go sit with her have a brew and a jangle (we could of ruled the world us two with our putting to rights convos haha) i would see if she needed a hand with anything around the house, shopping picking up, even though she had a friend a few days a weeks to help her with these things, i would often put some washing out, iron a few things, or pick her up a few bits and bobs, would make her some lunch take over cakes if id been baking, because i wanted to help my friend and i really enjoyed her company.

she became a frail lady over the last 12 months but remained sassy as hell, absolutely hilarious, and i loved spending time with her.

she was a good friend to me when i had cancer 3 years ago she and another neighbour (in 50's) would often make pans of stew/sunday dinners/spag bol, take our son over to their house's for lunch/dinner or just to play with their grandkids for an hour or so to give me and my DH a rest while was going through chemo,(i was very ill i nearly died im very lucky to be here) both ladies actually did more for me than my own mum who didn't cope well with my illness,

her passing was a shock but not huge as she had been really poorly, it broke my heart, i long for my friend back, she has left a little gap in my life, i miss our conversations more than anything, we had such fun.

her family have now been told they need to empty her house within the next 4 weeks I've offered to give them a hand and they have been grateful, her 3 sons have asked me to come and pick a little trinket of hers to keep as a thank you for all the help in her last few years but i really don't want anything, im just happy i got to spend time with my friend in her last few days and that i helped her with odd little things, and happy i have some fantastic memories with an incredible lady, i don't want her sons to think im ungrateful for the offer i really am not i am just as i said happy i made such a lovely friend and i hopefully made her life a little easier as she made mine when i was ill,

would it be unreasonable to not accept a small gift? i feel like it might be, she has quite a lot of grandkids and people she was friends with for much much longer (we had been friends around 5 years) that should have a little token, i don't want to offend them .

thoughts, please.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 17/10/2018 09:34

I would just take it. In a small way it's probably helping them with their grief by feeling they're doing right by their mother recognising your friendship and support in this way.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2018 09:38

It's really kind of them to offer and I think you'll regret it in later years if you don't. I also think it would be a bit rude...

Maybe take a couple of mugs you had your tea in or a little ornament.

Sorry about your friend.

GreenMeerkat · 17/10/2018 09:40

Yes I would take it, but if you feel uncomfortable just take the smallest and least valuable thing you can find. Plus you'll have a special reminder of your friend

AdaColeman · 17/10/2018 09:42

Why not just take it? It might cheer you up a bit in the future when you are missing your friend. Perhaps a photo of her would be nice?

You both sound like lovely people. Thanks

OutPinked · 17/10/2018 09:42

I would take it. You never know when you might want to look at it and be reminded of the fond memories with her. It would be quite odd and rude to decline as well.

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2018 09:42

I think this is the kind of offer it would be kind to accept. As a PP said, maybe take a couple of tea mugs or something practical like that. Or a cutting from the garden? Something that will make you smile when you use it or something little that doesn’t feel like you have to ‘treasure’ it?

JosephineBucket · 17/10/2018 09:43

I was going to say take a mug - it'll remind you of your brew and chats.

Easilyflattered · 17/10/2018 09:43

I think you should take something for her sons sake, it's as much about their benefit as yours.

I like the PPs suggestion of mugs.

xandersmom2 · 17/10/2018 09:43

I think it would be a small comfort to the family if you accepted a little bit of something. A small ornament that you can tuck into the corner of a shelf but that might make you smile when you saw it, or similar.

Sohardtochooseausername · 17/10/2018 09:43

You sound so lovely. I am sorry for your loss. The idea of having a mug of hers is a nice one. I was offered the chance to take something of my granddads and I didn’t and I really regret it now.

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2018 09:44

If there are other friends you think would appreciate something you can mention it to her sons and offer to take them a token too if they’re disposing of a lot of things. Obviously not if they’re wanting to keep things themselves but it doesn’t sound like that?

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 17/10/2018 09:46

Bless you, this sounds such a lovely friendship and you were both lucky to have it. I would take something small too, like others have said a mug or a photo. You might regret not doing so in future.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 17/10/2018 09:46

You absolutely don't have to, but like others, I think it would be kinder to the family if you did. A mug would be perfect.

stellabird · 17/10/2018 09:46

You really should accept it. It will make her relatives feel better - I remember being in that position when my Mum died and it did help us to think that her lovely neighbours had a little token to remember her by.

I'd agree with NoSqirrels, one of her tea cups or mugs would be a fitting memento of your time together.

Gazelda · 17/10/2018 09:52

I've got a fairy cake baking tin that used to belong to someone I was very close to. And her plastic mixing bowls. I think of her every time I use them.
A mug is a lovely idea. You'll remember your friend every time you have a brew.

ThisIsTheNational · 17/10/2018 10:07

I have a worthless paperweight from a friends house. I love to look at it every day and remember the live she showed me.

GoingNuckingFuts · 17/10/2018 10:21

Thank you everyone for you condolences.

A MUG Perfect! We spent most of our time together drinking tea setting the world to rights so that would be a fitting momento!

A photo is a good suggestion aswell I have quite a few of us but she has one in particular on her wall there alongside her friends kids and grandkids,
Its of the two of us it was my birthday I was attached to a chemo drip she came to visit,
And I look DREADFUL!
when I noticed it on her wall I said " Jesus Christ why have you put that on your wall"

Her reply " because you look like shit and I look effing fabulous and at my age if you look good next to some one in their late 20's you take it and run!"

"Eerrr jean (not her real name) I was literally dying there"

"So what you're still here aren't you, go put the kettle on" I almost wet myself laughing

Now to many that would seem insensitive but anyone who knew her would know there was no malice in it she was making the best of a bad situation. She saw the lightbin everything one of many reasons I loved her

I'm there today so I will suggest either one of those.

For those who said I'm lovely I'm actually not I'm a bit of an arsehole I just look after my friends she was incredible though

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 17/10/2018 10:24

They sound perfect. I’d take both if you can SmileFlowers

Aprilislonggone · 17/10/2018 10:25

Wow she sounds like an ace friend, as do you!! Take the most old ladyish ornament!! And a cup.
Raise a Brew to your mate op!!

SeaViewBliss · 17/10/2018 10:26

You both sound lovely. I’m sorry for your loss.

Flowers Brew

Returnofthesmileybar · 17/10/2018 10:31

She sounds so lovely. You absolutely have to take something and I think the mug and photo are perfect suggestions! You sound lovely too, I am see why you were friends, I am sorry for your loss Flowers

angieloumc · 17/10/2018 10:32

Sorry for your loss OP. I think mugs and that photo sound brilliant ideas. It will also comfort her family knowing that she had such a good friend in you.

spiderlight · 17/10/2018 10:53

She sounds fabulous! So sorry for your loss. I agree that a mug or something small to hold onto will make you smile in the future.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/10/2018 10:54

If you take the photo too, please do tell her family that anecdote and how it sums up why you loved her. It brought tears to me eyes and I didn’t even know her.

Pringlecat · 17/10/2018 10:57

I think taking the mugs and photo is a fab idea. You're not taking anything of value from the estate, but the story behind why you're choosing them will give her family some comfort in this difficult time.

Sorry for your loss. Enjoy having a brew in one of those mugs and thinking about what your friend would have said about whatever is on your mind. I'm sure you'll have a fond chuckle or two in her name.

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