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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mothers should always be with their children until they are 3 years old

522 replies

abacucat · 17/10/2018 00:11

This is what one parenting "expert" is recommending in the name of attachment parenting. And he does mean mothers, not fathers. AIBU to think this is a load of rubbish? Babies and toddlers are not damaged as is alleged, from spending time apart from their mother.

www.drmomma.org/2010/07/mother-toddler-separation.html

OP posts:
jamespond · 17/10/2018 18:38

@BumsexAtTheBingo I can assure you my wage is needed too at the moment. We have a very large mortgage after buying quite late and I also have a flat in negative equity that costs me a lot too and I can't sell the bloody thing. My partner's wage alone simply would not support the current mortgage plus bills plus my btl mortgage plus car (golf so not flashy!) plus travel to work for him (5k a year) plus food etc.

I suppose there is an element of choice in that we could downsize the house to a 2 bed and make ends meet if I gave up work. But as you say we're not married so I feel I need to work anyway despite his wage. We do the same job but I'm part time at the moment so I get the best of both worlds. I wouldn't have had children if I couldn't work too to be honest as I feel I need the security of being able to support them if we split up. I've seen enough posts on here to make think very carefully about that!

needsahouseboy · 17/10/2018 18:42

Bloody hell what nonsense. No way could I have afforded or mentally coped with bring at home with my child until he was 3! I am not the most maternal.

Deadbudgie · 17/10/2018 18:46

Does anyone think he felt his mummy didn’t love him😃

zzzzz · 17/10/2018 18:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seniorschoolmum · 17/10/2018 18:52

What a load of rubbish. Single working mum here with a gloriously happy well balanced ds.

Is this “expert” a bloke who’s got a bee in his bonnet about his wife working?

Or is he still living in the 1950s? Perhaps he’d like to go back there then. What a prat.

Momo27 · 17/10/2018 19:06

These few posters who feel so uncomfortable and at odds with the modern world ... blimey I’m glad I live in 2018 and not some bygone era when as a woman I’d have had to give up my career on having children, or even at the point of marriage. That’s if I even had a career... of course , girls’ education wasn’t valued as much as boys so chances are I’d never have gone on to higher education in the first place.

Honestly, if you genuinely feel it’s the right thing for you as a woman to give 1:1 care full time to your child for 3 years then fine... go ahead and do it. Just don’t try to scaremonger other families who choose a balance of caring and working.

Our children grow up happy and healthy just as yours undoubtedly do. Save your ‘concern’!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 17/10/2018 19:18

No way! I left DD when she was 6 weeks old for a night away with DP.

Eminybob · 17/10/2018 19:20

Like it or not its just basic biology. Animals stay with their mothers until capable of looking after themselves - mammals generally self wean when they can eat, run, survive and as they feed less, mother becomes fertile and new offspring come along

Yes, but the alternative is shoving their young out to cope in the world on their own.
That’s hardly what parents are doing sending their child to nursery is it?
I’m sure if there was squirrel (for example) daycare available, the mummy squirrels would be out gathering nuts with the dads.

MrsStrowman · 17/10/2018 19:33

I had a conversation with a good friend's DP at dinner a few weeks ago and he did he feels bad that he can't afford for my friend not to work as it is a man's place to provide so a woman can stay home. They have no DCs and my friend made it very clear she enjoys her work and regardless of how much money he earns she wouldn't want to be 'kept'. He has three children from a previous marriage one is ten the other two are 18 and at uni (he pays a lot more than CMS maintenance, which my friend agrees is the right thing to do). I challenged him and said he is so proud of his DDs and their educational achievements, what's the point if they should just give all that up and never work again once they find a man to pay for them? He did genuinely contemplate my point and seemed uncomfortable with his opposing beliefs. He's a nice guy but I genuinely think some men still live in the fifties.

DotForShort · 17/10/2018 19:37

I know it is merely anecdotal evidence, but my husband grew up in a country where the vast majority of women worked. There were state-run nurseries which were perfectly fine but not models of outstanding childcare. And yet he and everyone else I know from that country are fully functional, well-adjusted adults, no more (or less) likely to have any issues than people I know who were raised by SAHMs. Again, it is anecdotal though I find it instructive to be able to make such comparisons.

corythatwas · 17/10/2018 19:52

And ime it is only the partners of high earners of either sex who have the choice to stay at home.

For me and many of my friends the situation was the opposite: we did not earn enough to cover childcare costs. Many couples I knew had to work in shifts, with one parent working in the day and the other parent evenings and weekends. "Not able to afford to stay at home" presupposes a certain income level. We were never well off enough to reach that.

zzzzz · 17/10/2018 19:52

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LokiBear · 17/10/2018 20:03

Its absolute rubbish. Children settle in to routine very easily and understand that parents are coming back. My 20 month old dd has been in nursery since she was 1. She leaps out of my arms and into whatever nursery nurse is closest. Then jumps back into them when I pick her up. She is securely attached and happy.

ImtiredandIwanttogotobed25 · 17/10/2018 20:59

I had a SAHM until I was 18. My mother was - and remains - overly involved in my life and controlling (she still insisted on picking my clothes for me in my 20s and would do so now if I let her). She was often an emotionally unavailable mother when I had problems, yet she "dumped" on me a lot in my teens (e.g. regarding her extra-marital affairs) because she considered that the fact that we were "so close" and "could talk about anything" was her reward for being the perfect self-sacrificing SAHM. She also pushed me very hard academically because she'd given up her own career, whilst convincing me that I was the one who was putting pressure on myself and had a burning desire to succeed (I didn't).

Obviously, I'm not suggesting that she was a typical SAHM, but I think that, in our case, we'd have a better relationship now if she'd had other interests in her life apart from me, including work. All families are different and have different needs, when it comes down to it.

Jeanclaudejackety · 17/10/2018 21:05

I'm sorry but a child not able to start school until they are 8 because they don't want to be away from mum is not normal!!!!

peakydante · 17/10/2018 21:18

they also need daily contact with a group of other children that they know and see regularly (tumble tots once a week is not the same). This is why I believe that part-time nursery is essential for toddlers between one and three.

They really don't and it really isn't.
Depends on the child, but generally speaking, tumble tots once or twice a week is fine for the average toddler! They don't play together at that age anyway it's more parallel play.

The reason most countries support and subsidise nursery from 3 years old is because this is when children "need" the regular socialisation with peers. Under 2's in particular definitely don't "need" nursery settings. That said some children thrive but they'd most likely thrive just as well at home unless they had a disinterested/negligent parent.

zzzzz · 17/10/2018 21:57

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HellenaHandbasket · 17/10/2018 22:31

I'm sorry but a child not able to start school until they are 8 because they don't want to be away from mum is not normal!!!!

She's perfectly normal. Not the norm, but normal...and all the exclamation marks in the world won't change that. Children are just like adults, they're all different. She wasn't emotionally ready to be away from home (not just me) for that length of time, every day of the week. We could have forced the issue, but didn't need or want to. She was anxious and desperately unhappy, which is not how a 4 yr old should be.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 17/10/2018 22:34

@HellenaHandbasket it may have been your experience but I'm sorry that's not normal.

Plenty of children struggle starting school but to be that unable to handle being away from her parents until the age of 8? That must be some serious anxiety!

zzzzz · 17/10/2018 22:50

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abacucat · 18/10/2018 10:58

Christ I didn't mean to start a thread about SAHM versus working mothers. Do what suits you best. As long as you love and interact with you kids, and any care provided by others is good, your kids will be fine.

OP posts:
abacucat · 18/10/2018 11:01

Like it or not its just basic biology. Animals stay with their mothers until capable of looking after themselves - mammals generally self wean when they can eat, run, survive and as they feed less, mother becomes fertile and new offspring come along.

And this is wrong. Many mammals have other adults also sharing the care. And in traditional tribal societies very young children spend up to 50% of their time with adults who are not their mother. It is basic biology that young children need a caring adult to take care of them. But that can be other adults.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 18/10/2018 12:29

I’m not sure if I should or shouldn’t be reading this thread! First day back after mat leave and my 1 year old started nursery today and I feel sick!!

Luckily he is being picked up early by DH but he has been upset on and off all morning and wouldn’t eat his lunch. I feel like handing my notice in right now and going to get him!!!

corythatwas · 18/10/2018 12:31

"Like it or not its just basic biology. Animals stay with their mothers until capable of looking after themselves - mammals generally self wean when they can eat, run, survive and as they feed less, mother becomes fertile and new offspring come along."

Wouldn't it be helpful if people specified which animals and explained why they had chosen those particular ones?

Deer hide their babies and stay well away from them except during the actual moment of suckling until they are old enough to keep up with them. If a tiny fawn tries to get out of the nest where the mother has hidden it, the mother pushes it back and goes off.

Small American monkeys, like tamarins, are often cared for by the father, sometimes by other older males of the flock.

Capybaras are nursed communally by all the females in the flock.

Young elephants are also looked after by all the female members of the flock.

Wild dogs can nurse from other females as well as the mother and once able to walk (but not able to survive uncared-for) the pup is the responsibility of the whole pack.

Catfish fry are typically cared for by the father, not the mother; in many cichlids care of the young is shared by both sexes, though of course many fish species simply eat their babies as a nourishing snack instead.

Emperor penguin eggs and newly hatched chicks are nursed by their father while the mother is off to the sea to feed for 2 months. When the mother returns the father is often reluctant to leave the chick which he has bonded with. But eventually he goes off, and once he was fed and returned, they take it in turns. As soon as the chicks have reached an age where they don't need a parent to keep physically warm they huddle together in flocks with other chicks so both parents can go off and feed.

ZigZagZebras · 18/10/2018 12:35

I do think there is some basis to this - but not that it will necessarily do harm not doing it.

It fits with the feelings a lot of mums get when having to leave their young DC that its not natural to have to.
I've been lucky to be able to SAH with DC2&3 so they are nearly 1 and 2 and I've definitely noticed they're a lot more secure and content than DC1 was who I went back to work at 1 with.

But then there's the other side of it, where if the mum doesn't find it easy not having any time to themselves as 'adult time' at work or free time etc then its probably worse outcomes for the child to be with them all the time in the early years. There isn't really any one ideal there's a lot of factors to consider.

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